Day 139 in Exile

The shrew has finally lost her mind!  She took us for a walk this morning in the most atrocious weather.  She has recently bought a new car, nothing like the luxury of my previous ride, but a more utiliarian vehicle.  I am forced to lie in a cage in the back, while she whoops in delight as she hurtles down a mud track littered with potholes and rocks.  Whoever declared this a road needs to be executed immediately!  I fear if we venture down there too often, my poor spine will be shattered into a million pieces as her ugly utilitarian monstrosity trundles down the track in a most unsatisfactory manner!  The shrew seems delighted with this vehicle, I hate it and may just vomit in the back if she isn't careful!

As usual the old crone planned ahead by watching the 200 weather forecasts that are aired in the morning and totally ignoring them!  Some 20 minutes into the walk the heavens opened and we were subjected to a deluge of Biblical proportions, icy rain drenched us to the skin and the wind whipped around us.  Walking where there are a lot of trees and winds of around 50MPH was such an awesome idea on the shrews part!  I was terrified as we walked along and the trees creaked and strained against the winds.  It was so cold I felt like my eyeballs had frozen in their sockets.  When I gave her an evil stare, she whittered about how this was a perfect day for us to wak, because we were less likely to meet anyone else.  That is because no one else could possible be as insane as she is!

We trudged on and finally the weather eased a little and the sun came out and there was a beautiful rainbow up in the sky.  The female looked at me slyly, clearly feeling vindicated as she triumphantly declared "See it didn't last that long!" I scowled as my teeth chattered and I dug in to try and get back to that hideous vehicle of hers as soon as possible and put this whole sorry situation behind me.

We walked on and finally the end of the walk was in sight.  We came out of the wooded area and into a large clearing.  No sooner had we hit open ground again when the driving icy rain and high wind returned, it was so windy I was almost blown clean off my feet several times.  I was furious and trudged on, the shrew was behind us bleating that we were weaving about and tripping her.  I tried to take cover behind the kelb's beefy carcass, as the rain turned into horrid little pricking hail and bit at my face.  The female was huffing and puffing that the weather was vile and trying to hurry along only to keep stumbling as we zigzagged across her path, she will pay for this!  FINALLY, after what seemed like hours we made it back to her ugly little car and I for one was so happy to see the beastly hunk of metal.  The female infidel peeled off all the wet layers I was wearing and I jumped into the cage with glee, finally somewhere dry and warm!  As the shrew was unwrapping the kelb from his arctic wear, I almost choked with laughter as the wind blew the door hard and it tried to shut.  It hit her in the back and she was knocked into the towing hook.  The air turned blue as she bashed her shin on the large metal hook and fell against a most unimpressed kelb, who looked horrified to see her burly carcass hurtling towards him.  Finally we were on board.  The shrew who now resembled something of a cross between medussa with her wild, wet hair and the swamp thing all muddy and wet from the trudge through the glen looked a sight.  I was rather glad that we had not met anyone else on the walk, as the shame of being seen with her would have been all too much to bear.

She got into the car sighing with relief that we had finished the walk and then she sat and drank a hot cup of coffee if you please!  The kelb and I were left shivering in the back of the truck, even he looked pretty miffed by this mornings "bright idea".  We drove off back up the hill and my poor bones were once more rattled into dust as she zoomed up the road like the Stig, not taking any care to avoid the lumps and bumps and delighting in how the car "coped with it all."  I think I actually loathe her!

Day 81 in Exile

This morning, the shrew, myself and the kelb took our usual trot down to the beach and up into the hills.  Today she decided to take us up into the village on a circuit first and it turned out to be quite fun.  We walked up the hill out at the front of the house and on into the village.  Just at the top of the hill there is a builders yard and to the left of it a large pond teaming with ducks and geese.  The gate was open leading into the pond and I thought it might be fun to engage with these creatures.  I let out a bark and to mine and the shrew's absolute horror a big goose at the front reared up, all wings and beak and started to charge at me!  Very rude indeed!  I barked even more and started to rear up myself trying to free myself of the infidel shackles that they insist on walking me in.  The female was becoming hysterical as the goose ran up the lane towards the gate honking, closely followed by two or three others, all wings open and looking rather annoyed.  The harridan began to berate me and drag me up the road as she attempted to flee from the oncoming onslaught.  She almost tripped over me twice, as I was trying to pull my lead off and the kelb was as usual looking on gormlessly, as were a couple of villagers that had just come out of the shop.  I am not sure they have ever seen anything quite like it in their lives, a red faced shrieking harpy legging it up the road with a gormless kelb and a bucking hound, looking rather harrassed as she sped past them and yelled out "Sorry!"  The geese finally tired of chasing us and returned to their pond.  The villagers watched as the shrew darted out of sight into the scrub, giving me the stink eye all the way down the road.  I think she will find the beach and hills far less stressful in future!

Day 73 in Exile

This morning it has not been the harpy's day. We went for a walk on the beach and up into the hills, she had to make a slight diversion as there were sheep on the usual trail we take and whilst we can now walk past a field of them without yelling and pointing, she is not 100% confident about teetering on the edge of a cliff and passing them by.  No sense of adventure!

As we got up into the hills this morning a cheeky rabbit shot out of the dunes right into my path.  I was momentarily shocked, but being quick witted managed to grab it despite being on a lead and hold it.  At which point the shrew was utterly astounded and for just one moment speechless!  Of course her silence did not last and she told me to release it at once.  By this time the kelb realised that I had some treasure and also wanted to have some, so I was growling at him!  I don't share!  The shrill grinding of the shrew's voice was too much to bear and I decided to let the rabbit go, as I am a chaser not a killer and all my joy comes from running after the little furry creatures.  As I let it go I saw the horror on the female infidel's face as she braced herself and the kelb and I both took off in different directions, still on leads.  She was almost pulled in half like a wish bone and began shrieking even more.  She sounded like a crow sqwuaking and was flapping her arms around in an alarming manner.  Finally she got us back under control and the rabbit had made off into the dunes to no doubt have a heart attack.

We carried on walking through the hills and headed back towards the beach.  Just as we reached the top of a dune a little bird flew across her path bouncing down the hill in flight.  My running instinct kicked in and I took her off guard as I plummeted down the hill after the little bird taking her and the kelb with me.  I was quite impressed by the fact she remained upright until she was half way down the dune, which was pretty solid from the ground frost.  She tripped over her own feet and stumbled and once again the female infidel was flat out prone position face in the sand and miraculously still gripping onto our leads for grim  death.  She was very red in the face and through gritted teeth she yelled "STOP!".  The kelb was gormless as ever wondering what had just happened.

The shrew got up and brushed all the sand off herself, regained her composure and we made our way back along the beach towards home.  Normally she takes a little pathway back, but this morning she looked at it and it was very icy, so she decided to go back through all the fields.  We ambled along, and she almost lost her mind as the kelb started to munch on the frozen horse manure that was spread in the field.  I think this was a bridge too far for her this morning.  If only she had known that just as we tunred out of the last field the local farmer would send his flock down to the fields directly into our path.  I thought she would spotaneously combust as she attempted to scrabble back to the safety of the field we had just come out of, dragging us along behind her as she speed marched us up the road away from the oncoming sheep heading our way.  She somehow managed to shove us through the gate just as they all ran up the hill past us bleating and blowing raspberries at the kelb and I, who by now had been rugby tackled to the ground and were being held hostage behind a wall in a frozen field, as the shrew lay in the freezing mud  clinging onto our collars like her life depended on it cursing like Mrs De Nero and looking rather ticked off.  I don't know when we shall be walked again.

Day 65 in Exile

Oh my stars, todays walk was so funny!  It is wild out there today, rain and high winds.  The shrew decided that she would walk us anyway, so we went through the ritual of bundling up and heading out.  Everything was going well until the kelb (yes I know you are shocked but I seriously was not enjoying the weather this morning) saw a rabbit on the beach.  The old bat must have seen it first, because she had already cunningly secured him to his lead.

After seeing the rabbit the female infidel decided we would get off the beach and head into the hills.  Well the boneheaded buffoon went into some kind of rampage, which resulted in the female having to attach him across her body so that she had her full weight (quite a considerable weight I can tell you) behind him as he dragged us most unceremoniously through the dunes, nose to the ground while the wind whipped around us.  The shrew bellowed like a cow in labour as she stumbled through the hills red faced and looking rather harrassed.

She obviously tired of this and turned back towards the beach.  Just as we reached the top of a dune I could see the cogs turning in her tiny mind and she decided it was far safer to let the kelb make his own way down the bank than to be dragged there by his beefy carcass.  She released him and he turned back to the hills teaming with rabbit warrens.  Most displeased and half way down the bank the female yelled to him to return immediately.  He turned and looked down on us from his vantage point and then suddenly to the shrew's absolute horror the dull witted buffoon decided to launch himself off the dune to the part of the path we were gingerly making our way down.  All I heard was the shrieking of a terrified infidel as the fat kelb landed right on top of us knocking the female infidel off her feet which resulted in us both rolling down the hill in a heap onto the beach.  Needless to say I was most diepleased by this and let them know by joining in the shrieking as we tumbled down the hill with the kelb in hot pursuit.  As we landed at the bottom all I could see was the gormless face of the kelb looking down at us wagging his stupid tail, the harpy by now was bright red and furious.  Needless to say that was the end of that little expedition and we went home with the kelb on an extremely short lead.  Even though I am very cross with him for knocking me over, I can't help but snigger that "Mr Perfect" is currently the one in trouble with the harpy this morning.  If I had not been so put off by the hideous weather, I might have joined forces with him on this one occasion.    He has certainly gained a tiny bit of kudos with me.

Day 64 in Exile

Life at Ice Station Zebra has certainly got a hell of a lot chillier.  I never knew it was possible to be so cold!  Frozen white stuff has been falling from the sky for days, covering the ground in a crisp white carpet of icy horridness.  Walking with the harpy is such a bore at the moment, as she gingerly crawls along at a pace that would have a snail overtaking her!  Her dulcet tones filling the air as she shrieks at the kelb to "Go steady!".  I have even caught her toady rolling his eyes on walks of late, as she inches along the lane like an asthmatic tortoise.

This morning was hilarious!  We took a short walk to the beach this morning, as the shrew keeps bleating about a bad knee.  She was even more cautious than ever today, because the temperatures have dropped and the fallen snow has turned into a vast landscape of slippery ice.  Getting ready to go out takes forever, as she layers herself and us up in coats, attaches spikes to her shoes and wears all manner of bizarre attire before she will even contemplete stepping out of the house.  Once we were finally trussed up like stuffed penguins, we all waddled down the road to the beach.  Just as we reached the bridge to the beach the kelb became very excited and alerted me to a field full of sheep, the sheep seeing his gargoyle like features, took off across the field in fright ( he is very ugly).  I then decided to join in pointing out the sheep to the Harpy, who started to turn very red and become shriller and shriller as she was trying to fasten the gate shut again whilst holding onto a flimsy bag of (the kelb's) feces she had collected on route (a very strange infidel ritual that I am yet to undserstand) and both of our leads.  As we were both boisterously pointing out the sheep the bag of poo was being flung this way and that, I was sure it would burst open onto her head.  This was making her redder and redder and she became rather enraged at this point.  She finally managed to secure the gate and decided to leave the bag there to collect on the way back.  We headed for the bridge, at which point we were so excited at the prospect of some running that we rushed across the bridge at a rate of knots dragging her like a sack behind us as she stumbled and swore her way onto the beach.  The beach was also covered in ice at the top end where the sea had not reached and I burst into hysterics as the kelb was released and took off like a bat out of hell across the beach, only to hit the ice and skid legs flailing like a new born deer until he eventually landed in a crumpled heap winded and did a couple of rolls yelping.  he got up and then tested each leg trying to work out which one to feign injury from.  He is such a gormless git!

We had a run up and down the beach and then returned home.  I still felt hyped up after the walk and once the female infidel had freed me from my layers of coats and leads I rushed upstairs and un-made all of the beds.  She came up behind me and sent me back down, but as she was re-making the beds I followed her round at great speed and undid them again. However, she did not find it as amusing as I did! 

I am now lay in my basket under a balnket sleeping off this mornings shenanigans.

Day 21 in Exile

Walking in this God forsaken land has proven to be a living nightmare!  Yesterday the female infidel dragged us to the beach, the winds were so high that I was literally blown clean off my feet 3 or 4 times at least!  The female infidel fancies herself as a comedienne and has discussed attaching weight bracelets to my ankles!  I might bite her!

The only consolation to all the misery is watching the kelb, he is even more of a buffoon than ever these days.  When we went to the beach yesterday, not only was I blown all over the place, but I was sand blasted to within an inch of my life as well!  The kelb didn't even seem to notice and spent his time "murdering" sea weed.  He was running up and down the beach like a lunatic.  I swear if he body slams me one more time I shall eat his liver!  The miserable shrew would not let me lose to dispatch a couple of crows that were taunting me, she was worried if I ran I would keep on running.  Whatever gave her that idea?  My life is so great, I bent over and a rainbow shot out of my ass! Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

I was reduced to hysterics last week when the male and female decided to drag us out in the most horrific weather.  The wind was howling and balls of ice were falling from the sky for goodness sake.  We walked along to the pier over the hill.  In order to get there one must negotiate a cattle grid, however there is a gate that can be opened, so they decided to take that option.  Before they had a chance to walk over to the gate, the kelb flung his beefy carcass across the cattle grid with all the grace of a stunned rhino!  The male infidel totally unexpecting this turn of events was dragged with him and the kelb did a double roll and landed in a heap the other side of the grid.  The female infidel then became enraged with the male infidel and yelled at him, as if the kelb's foolishness was all his fault, all the while I sniggered under my breath.  Thankfully the kelb's utter stupidity brought an end to the torment of having to walk in driving rain and we turned back for home.  The kelb put on an Oscar performance of being injured, but as usual he forgot which was the right leg and kept limping and holding out alternate legs.  I think the pier is now off the list of walks for the forseeable future.

Day 14 in Exile

Where have the infidels brought me?  They have just taken me out for a walk in the wildest weather I have ever seen, I half expected an ambulance to pull up and for the infidels to be wheeled away in white jackets!  WTF were the balls of ice falling from the sky?  It was absolutely baltic out there.

I am currently sulking on the couch looking like a drowned Rastafarian!  My coat has become crimped to within an inch of its life, despite the fact I had an over-sized coat on to walk in.  I am not sure I shall ever speak to them again!  The television is being drowned out by the wind howling down the chimney.  The infidels are sat around in tracksuits drinking tea and looking soggy, the lounge looks like a Chav convention!