Day 824 of Captivity

The infidels spent much of the morning lying in bed the odd groan and escaping of noxious gases  emanating from their direction.  They went out last night to see a live band, how that entails rolling home drunk as lords in the small hours of the morning I will never know!  This clearly was not a band of the classical persuasion, as I head them regaling tales of their crowd surfing activities during the show.  They are such hooligans!  The female infidel looks like death warmed up and is complaining about her self inflicted headache.  I have done a spot of singing this morning and bounced off her head a couple of times in an attempt to get her to snap out of her self pity and wallowing.

I have just been attempting to assist the female infidel with cooking the dinner and doing a pre wash of the dishes.  She is so ungrateful!  When I jumped up at the counter to assist with the cutting of the sausage, she looked aghast and muttered something about being in the room.  The infidels all sat down and quaffed a huge plate of pasta each.  It looked so much more tasty than the ghastly chicken we are served up daily!  Of course they didn't spare us so much as a whiff of their meal.  After dinner my many attempts to pre wash the dishes were unsuccessful, and after the female infidel had pursued me around the dining room table for the fifteenth time, she seemed to lose the will to live.  I am now behind bars no doubt until the cycle has finished on the dishwasher so that the female infidel can remove the dishes from the sink.

They tire so easily, the same thing happened this afternoon when I ran up and down the stairs with the male infidel's work shoes.  He played with me for so long and then decided that the game was rubbish!  I was forced to toy with the nerdy Infidel, I stole a pencil from his computer desk and giggled as he made chase like a pathetic rag-doll whining my name and telling me to stop in THE most feeble voice I have ever heard.  Needless to say I did not feel compelled to stop and I carried on the game until he bored me and his grating voice became too much to bear.

Day 819 of Captivity

I haven't been able to get near the laptop for love nor money.  The female infidel has been sitting over it attempting to look intellectual and failing miserably!  I have no idea what she can be doing that requires her to hog the laptop like she has and I am not very pleased!  Apparently she has become involved in rescue and has had important things to do.  Rescue is just an infidel code word for capturing poor innocent animals and holding them against their will,  I was "rescued"!  

The female infidel wasn't very well last week and was up in the night.  She spent some time locked in the downstairs bathroom crying into the porcelain.  Whilst she was incapacitated, I followed her down and took full opportunity to create havoc by deciding to eat a pencil.  I made sure to chomp it very loudly and tittered to myself as I heard her shrieking that she was going to kill me once she was out of the bathroom.  It was even more hilarious, as she had no idea what I was chewing.  The rage was evident in the shrill bleatings emanating from the bathroom door.  I tired of the pencil and left the shredded remains on the lounge carpet for her to decipher when she had finished being feeble.  I then returned to my repose.  The old crone finally stomped back up the stairs and threw me a piercing look as she entered the bedroom, huffing and chuntering under her breath, still clearly enraged at the loss of a pencil.  Once again the male infidel managed to maintain a narcoleptic state throughout the entire episode, until the female infidel got back into bed and poked him in the ribs and began relating the sorry story to him.  She lost the plot when he lapsed back into unconsciousness mid tale, snoring like an asthmatic rhino.

Last week the female infidel invited the friend she is in cahoots with "rescuing" animals to the house.  She is a Vit, apparently that is New Zealand for Vet.  I ran around the house barking and leaping into the air sporadically, illustrating the female infidel's lack of control over me.  There is nothing better than humiliating an infidel in front of a Vit.  It was even better when they discovered that I had consumed the Vit's Raybans whilst they were all prattling on incessantly.   I left their crumpled remains on the couch for the female infidel to discover when the Vit had to leave.  The female infidel jibbered like a baboon on an electric fence when she discovered my crime.  The comedy way in which they were perched on the Vit's head as she left,  was a fitting testament to my disdain for them all.

Day 803 of Captivity

The male Infidel and the angst ridden adolescents have returned from their vacation, finally  alleviating me from the ennui of being left alone for what seemed like an eternity with only the irksome female for company.  The male returned sporting 3rd degree burns to his legs having been vacuous enough to go to the beach minus the vat of factor 50 sun cream that the  female Infidel packed him off with.  She just hasn't been irritating enough in her scathing comments to the male about his foolishness.  Oh to be as enlightened as she!  He has spent much of the week rolling his eyes at her and keeping his legs away from my karate chopping antics.  I did manage to leap on him in  the night and lie on his crispy limbs for a minute or two, the resultant shrieks would not have shamed a castrato in their pitch and intensity and were only made more satisfying by the fact that he was unable to chase me.  

The males kindly brought back some new souvenirs for  me to distress, I have my eye on a carved Bayon head that seems to have taken up residence on their coffee table.  The look of serene smugness on all of it's four faces just asking to be gnawed.

My recent attempt at a hunger strike failed miserably, upon my discovery that as much as I try I cannot resist chips.  However, I have been keeping the Infidels awake by dry retching in the night, having only my hatred of them as sustenance (and of course a few of the aforementioned chips)!  Of course the male Infidel managed to sustain his powers of narcolepsy throughout the entire episode, much to the annoyance of the shrew.  Yet he is able to hear a tea bag being gently placed into a cup from the concrete tomb in which he slumbers, which is enough to send the female into a blind fury. 

I was forced to discipline the kelb quite harshly earlier this week, when the impudent beast attempted to steal a bit of chicken that I had discarded.  I may not have wanted to consume it but there is no way I would share even a sneer with him.  The spineless cur has not been able to meet my eye since I castigated him.  He is now sporting a chewed ear and a scratched head for his impertinence.  The female was absolutely horrified and we were both given the sharp end of her tongue (which is so sharp you could shave a rhinos bum with it!).

I am currently dropping my kong onto a glass side table in an attempt to either dislodge the hideous painted tile the female brought home from her trip, or send her into a fit of apoplexy at the thought that I might!  It is having the desired effect as I can see the veins in her neck twitching spasmodically.  Job done, I am off to my crate to sing the theme tune to the "Antiques Roadshow" over and over.  Who will crack first I wonder? Dee dee dee dee der der dee Aroooooo!

Day 787 of Captivity

I haven't managed to post much recently, because the fatuous female Infidel broke the laptop last week.  I think you have to be some kind of special to break a Mac, but it seems the female has won her spot on the sunshine coach!  She spent much of last week either swearing at it or threatening it with violence.  It is repaired now, but no thanks to the old crone, she had to call on the help of a techy type, I think they are referred to as geeks.  He seemed most amused at the level of stupidity displayed by the female Infidel, while she prattled on about how the laptop came to be in such a state of disrepair he seemed to be choking down hysterics.  

The female Infidel has spent much of her time tied to the laptop attempting to collect her e mail from 2006!  All the while she has been intolerable.  She hasn't paid me much attention, so I have been forced to fetch pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard and gallop about the lounge with them.  I even resorted to dragging 2 frozen chickens off the kitchen counter last week.  It was to be our meal the following day anyway.  The kelb was horrified I was going to consume both and the impudent creature bowled me out of the way in a most undignified manner.  Of course I wasn't about to let that go unpunished and I berated him, until finally the female Infidel lost the plot.  The shrill harpy sent us to our beds for the evening and continued to swear at her laptop, I am beginning to wonder if she has Tourettes.  Her language would make a Sailor blush!

Once the laptop was working properly again she seemed to calm down.  She claimed to have lost some very important e mail, I find it difficult to believe that anyone would entrust anything important to the old shrew.  She also lost all of her holiday snaps, so thankfully we will be spared the torment of having to view countless photos of the old shrew.  I am still peeved that she ignored me for much of last week, and have continued to fetch shoes from the cupboard and drag blankets off the couch and gnaw on her cushions.  I have also beaten up the kelb, thrown myself into the dining room window every time someone has passed by or I have seen a peasant cat on the street and skulked round looking shifty so that she has to investigate.  All of these things get her very annoyed.  The male Infidels have still not returned from their travels, it is bad enough when they are all here, but the female is the most irksome of the Infidels.

The witch bathed the kelb and I yesterday.  Of course the big fat creep jumped in and out of the bath for her.  I was not about to make it so easy, I clung onto the door frame and pulled the shower curtain down onto her head as she tried to place me into the bath.  She did not seem too amused to be wrapped in it, and when she freed herself she was sweating and gasping like a wounded Rhino.  I think this is why she then proceeded to "Furminate" me after my bath.  This can only be described as a medieval torture tool that is dragged through my coat stripping out any of the dead coat.  The female Infidel just loves this implement of torture, the kelb and I hate it.  As soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to eat it!

The buffoon of a kelb is rolling about the dining room on his back looking like a lunatic.  The female is cooing over him, making him loll about even more grinning like an imbecile.  I would never degrade myself and stoop to such a level.  The female is lucky if I throw her a disparaging look.  Will this torment ever end? 

Day 779 of Captivity

The female Infidel has gone too far this time!  She has obviously been scheming for some time and she has come up with a plot to sabotage me, one of such cunning I never thought she had it in her.  

She rearranged the furniture in the lounge a couple of days ago.  It has been done in such a way, I can no longer skulk in the dining room undetected, or behind the console table chewing the cables because it has been moved, I cannot climb all over the back of the couches and I am unable to lie in the window shouting and engaging in a spot of banter with the gardeners or the binmen.  In fact it is very difficult for me to look out of the window  in the lounge at all, because the console table is in front of it and I can no longer loaf on the back of the couch whilst I am doing it and am forced to stand looking like a common kelb.  I am outraged!  The old crone doesn't even have to get off the couch to find out what I am up to when skulking round.  The only safe haven left is the kitchen and it is so boring in there, because the old miser hides any contraband in cupboards and fridges.  I suffer enough malaise just residing with these hairless clowns and now any possible entertainment has been shut down.  She has reached a whole new level of cruelty!

The old shrew returned from her vacation with a head cold and a chest infection.  She has been looking feeble for days and taking various medications in an attempt to shift it.  The males were all very unsympathetic when she returned and told her to stay away, as they were due to go away on holiday.  

Yesterday, after feeding us an insipid meal of gruel of chicken, she went in the shower and left the kelb and I in the bedroom lying on our chairs.  She left the door to the en suite open so she could keep her beady eyes on our activity.  I lay on my chair looking the picture of sweetness and light.  I have spent the entire day chuckling to myself.  Happy in the knowledge we were quiet and behaving she showered.  During her shower I vomited my meal of chicken in amongst the scatter cushions on her bed.  She must be deaf as a post with this cold, because she didn't hear a thing.  I lay back in my chair and when she emerged from her shower and got dressed she called us to follow her downstairs, not seeming to care that the bed was ever so slightly disheveled.  

It was just delightful to see the look of sheer horror and revulsion when she discovered my grisly deed later on that evening when we went to bed.  I have never heard such language!  It would put a docker to shame.  She did not seem amused to be scrubbing the wet marks off the mattress late in the evening and we all had to sleep in the weedy Infidel's room while the bed dried out.  It smells of adolescent in there and feet.  

She hasn't moved the furniture back this morning, in fact she seems to be taking even more pleasure out of my dissatisfaction today!  She truly is the epitome of evil!

Day 775 of Captivity

Oh kill me now!  The shadow of bore has returned!  She deigned to bring me some manky toys from her travels, I have subsequently obliterated them to show my disdain for her meagre offerings, it is hardly recompense for her abandonment of her duties.  I also shredded the kelb's just to upset him.  

He has been like a lost sheep all week, moping about pathetically, crestfallen and close to tears.  Since the return of the female Infidel he has been overjoyed and she cannot move without him accompanying her just in case she manages to sneak out again.  He almost breaks his neck to follow her, it is really quite contemptible!  I enjoyed a week of doing as I please without the miserable old shrew on my back all day; the males are far more laid back and seemed to concentrate their efforts on telling the puling kelb to "sod off".  

I managed to sequester a box of Paracetamol earlier, plotting to put them in the crone's tea, but the male Infidel mistook my theft as an attempt at self harm!  He was rightly horrified.  I shall miss the old hippy when he goes off on his travels tomorrow, especially as he is taking the adolescents with him and leaving me with the shrew for three whole weeks!  Hopefully he will bring back an offering befitting my status on his return.  I hear that the jade is very beautiful from that part of the world.

Day 765 of Captivity

Yes!  I am getting rid of the shadow of bore that is the female Infidel for a whole week.  She is heading off for a holiday tomorrow and leaving the kelb and I in the care of the male Infidels.  This is great, because the males are such pushovers and are powerless to resist my fluttering eyelashes and astonishing good looks.  They are not as relentless as the old shrew, although I have to admit the hairy one can be a bit of a tyrant when he is in a hormone induced rage.  I am also so looking forward to the male Infidel attempting to cycle with us; the female is very adept these days, it will be fun to have some new blood to toy with.  I am prepared to wager that by the end of the first day, he will be covered in pooh (having fallen off) and reverting to pedestrian methods of exercising us.

The kelb, however, does not seem to be as overjoyed as me that his beloved patron is leaving him.  He has been pouting on the couch ever since he clapped eyes on her suitcase and he won't even sit with her.  The big twit looks close to tears!  I am too of course, but mine are tears of joy and elation!  I won't have to listen to the rasping tones of her scolding me for some minor infraction or other.  I think it is brilliant and it can't come around fast enough!

She was very selfish when packing her bags to leave and kept everything out of the way.  She would not let me assist her.  I believe that there is some very important documentation in one of her bags, but the miserable bat has put the bag on top of a cupboard well out of my reach.  I was hoping to have a ferret about in this bag, but she is taking no chances.  All I have managed to abscond with is a rather large and tired old pair of pants, I am sure I have saved her much embarrassment by snatching them!   Her wardrobe like her hairstyle could do with being brought into the fifteenth century.  

I am taunting the kelb by singing "Leaving on a jet plane", he will be reduced to a snivelling wreck (well more of a snivelling wreck) before the night is out.  Oh what fun I will have with him, now that his protector is out of the picture for at least a week.