Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Day 3 million and 42 (or something like that) in Exile

The shrew let us into the garden a couple of days ago while she was hanging some washing up on the line.  The kelb and I were mooching about, when all of a sudden the trees at the top of the garden started to shake and a Border Collie burst through them having heard us respond to a bark and decided he might join us!  He was a cheeky young upstart and came into the garden wagging his tail and thinking we might play if you please!  I don't like kelbs at the best of times, but an interloper!  The very idea that I would engage in any frivolity with such an impudent beast!  I decided to box his ears.  A great deal of commotion broke out as I cuffed the young scoundrel and gave him a piece of my mind.  The kelb decided to come over all chivalrous and came to my aid and we mounted a 2 pronged attack on the Border Collie.

Meanwhile the shrew became hysterical and was squawking in the background like a demented chicken, flapping her arms around and screeching at us all to cease.  We continued to berate the intruder the full length of the garden.  All of a sudden I heard a dull thud and found myself covered in washing!  The shrew in exasperation threw her laundry at us complete with the basket, which thudded off the Border Collies head.  We were all 3 covered in Pajamas and the shrew's enormous pants!  We all scattered in different directions.  I attempted to gather my composure and continue castigating the cheeky trespasser, but the shrew had by then grabbed my collar and was holding the Border Collie at arms length too.  I attempted a few snaps at his tail as she dragged ME towards the house.  The kelb then appeared to wag his tail and befriend the Border Collie!  He is such a traitor!  The shrew shoved me into the utility room and shut the door and a few moments later the kelb was thrust through the utility room door as well.

The shrew came inside and put me in my crate and then she left.  Apparently she was taking the criminal Collie to the police station.  Apparently en route it occurred to the shrew to call into the vet and see if the Collie was chipped or known to them.  Eventually the Collie's owner showed up, he had been visiting his daughter when the naughty young pup had suddenly vaulted the wall.  I suspect that he won't be making that mistake again, but I am carrying out stringent border patrols to ensure that he doesn't.  If he comes back, I will be ready for him!  One does not simply encroach on a Saluki's territory and live to tell the tale!

The shrew spent the evening being pale and hysterical and having a rather large glass of wine or 3!

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Day 3 million in Exile (it sure feels like it)

Well I haven't blogged in some time, the shrew was so busy with sorting out our old house so that we could sell and move on.  Eventually she announced that we were moving to Buckie, I became so excited!  FINALLY the shrew had realised my status in life and secured me a palace befitting my status, although I thought her rather crude calling THE palace "Buckie"!!

You can imagine my dismay when I discovered we were not moving to the palace of my dreams but to a little Scottish fishing town in the Highlands! 

Thankfully the house is actually quite nice and best of all it sports a huge walled garden that I have been able to run free in.  I have made the most of this, spending many an afternoon zooming up and down the length of the garden.  Last week the shrew got in my way and I ran into her at full speed, she spent the next few hours being really dramatic and likening it to being run down by a train!  How VERY dare she, besides it was her fault for getting in the path of a full speed Saluki!
Yesterday we went out walking along the sea front, it is just out the door for us and a nice walk.  There is a park just along the way which we passed through.  As we were walking along a kelb came in the opposite direction with its owner, it was on a lead and didn't dare to make eye contact with me ( he obviously knew his place), just to be sure he knew how powerful I was I reared up on my back legs and windmilled at it to make sure it stayed far away from me.  As I was windmilling I somehow managed to clip my own toe to my lead with the clip fastening that attaches it to my collar.  Aside from this being extremely embarrassing it blooming hurt as well as it was pinching my toe.  There ensued a scene from Platoon as I launched myself into a dramatic death roll and began screaming like I was being murdered.  The shrew became quite flustered as she attempted to release me from the torture, but the clip was one that pushed inwards rater than down (I have escaped from a downward clasp lead several times now).  Every time she tried to push the clasp in to release it my toe was in the way and my shrieking became louder and my psychotic outburst more and more dramatic.  In the end the shrew lay me on my side and lay ON me and quickly released the catch.  I was still horrified that she had lay on me it took a while to realise that my painful trauma was over!  We did continue on with the walk, but the shrew has decided to try a harness so my lead is behind me to prevent any further episodes, as she knows I will always shake my fist at a passing kelb. 

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Day 497 in Exile

The shrew attempted to poison me this morning with a putrid offering of lambs kidneys for breakfast, I spat them out all over the kitchen floor to let her know that I was not amused at her disgusting offering.  I have no doubt that her corpulent toady scoffed them as soon as my back was turned!  I was reduced to eating a bowl of wicker balls that were on the coffee table.  They didn't do a lot for me either, they tasted perfumey!  I had no choice but to spit the pieces out all over the living room carpet, which appeared to irk the shrew somewhat and brought on another of her skull numbing lectures about what a "horrid little dog I am".  I was given two measley sausages to tide me over to the next meal and that was only because the kelb had to have his "old fart" medication and is far too dim witted to work out that the shrew conceals them in sausages.

The shrew has been a real drag of late, she appears to be studying for something and is constantly found with her nose in a book or gnashing over her laptop with a furrowed brow.  I sincerely hope that she isn't attempting to train me again, that really didn't work out so well for her last time...

Anyway, I have been doing some reading of my own, although I am pretty sure I could teach the dogs in this book a thing or two about being really dastardly!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Day 420 in Exile

Another walk down to the beach this morning.  There was a dead seal washed ashore and the seagulls were all feasting on it, until the kelb arrived!  He spent most of the morning chasing seagulls into the sea and then being chased away from the carcass of the seal by the shrew.  It was hilarious to see her waving her arms and shrieking at him, I am sure he was toying with her today.  Maybe my evil is rubbing off on him at last.

We went up into the dunes, my favourite part.  I was running about attempting to excavate the rabbits from their warrens with little luck.  I went off up onto a high bit of the dune on my long line and the shrew walked along at the bottom.  She called me to hurry up at one point and when she got no response she gave the line a gentle tug, which was enough to catch me off balance.  To my horror I did a roly poly down the sand dune and landed in a heap at the bottom on my back, all four of my little stick legs were stuck up in the air flailing to get right again.  The shrew turned to see this spectacle and burst out laughing as I writhed around on the floor trying to get up.  It took the old bat a while to compose herself and finally come to my aid, by which time I had managed to right myself.  I stuck my nose up in the air and pushed past the giggling shrew.  She spent the rest of the walk insisting on telling me just how hilarious she thought my predicament was and chuckled to herself all the way back to the house!  How VERY dare she!

Friday, 23 November 2012

Day 410 in Exile

On the home stretch this morning the kelb was spending rather a long time sniffing about in the bushes, the shrew was growing impatient with him.  He continued to faff about in the scrub sniffing every blade of grass and withered thistle in his wake, the grumpy shrew trudged along beside him.  Suddenly we were all startled, the kelb appeared ot have accidently flushed a pheasant from the scrub ( I am sure it had absolutely NOTHING to do with his hunting "skills").  Once the kelb and I regained composure we wanted to go after it, there was a scuffle and some comotion followed by a thud and we were pulled towards the scrub only to come face to face with a vision of horror. 

The shrew had lost her footing in all the comotion and fallen into the scrub behind which was a rather large ditch.  The kelb and I peered over the ditch at the shrew who was on her back and seemed to have turned into Mrs De Niro.  Death threats were issued, she was all red faced and teeth as she scrabbled out of the ditch, she was covered in foul smelling bog water and her hair and clothes were festooned with dried dead thistles and grass. 

She made it back onto the bank of the ditch just in time for two surfers to come plodding through the field.  The kelb and I were forced to do the walk of shame past the surfers with the bog monster in tow.   I made eye contact to indicate that the stink was emenating from the shrew and once again the shrew found herself in the field with a pair of surfers scrabbling to get away from her.  We picked up the pace homeward as she snarled and gnashed her way along the path.  I suspect that walks may be off the agenda this weekend!

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Day 409 in Exile

The shrew took us up into the sand dunes again this morning.  As soon as we got up there the kelb started showing off because he was off lead, he was leaping and skipping up and down the dunes.  He leapt onto one hill and fell off!  He has all the grace of a wounded rhino, he went from skipping gayly through the hills to tumbling down it in a grunting wheezing heap in about 2 seconds.  He attempted a gymnastic landing, but his front legs gave out as he landed and he crumpled onto his chin.  He then of course had to go through the drama of hopping about for a time to make the shrew worry over him, of course the gormless git was inconsisitent about which leg he hopped with!

We carried on trundling through the dunes, I was snorting about in the long grass looking for any bunnies that might be out.  The shrew is so kind she allows me to be on a long line so I can go off and have a good snort, I went through a tunnel of grass but because the shrew was 5 metres away I went through and the line went over.  The old bat tried to coax me back through the tunnel of grass, but being slight I wasn't heavy enough to push the grass aside.  She ended up having to come in and get me.  After a lot of panting and wheezing she finally managed to get me free, I jumped over her and continued snuffling about, she looked rather put out by this as she fell backwards in a heap and had to hang onto the line and right herself.

We made our way back down towards the beach again, the shrew shouted the kelb to wait for us.  As he stood waiting at the top of the descent back down to the sand an insane rabbit ran right under his nose, the kelb almost took a heart attack and leapt six feet into the air and took off in the opposite direction.  He then, clearly trying to regain composure did a circle and pretended to go after the rabbit, which no doubt by this stage had made it to China!  He really is a ninny!

We all bundled back down onto the beach and the kelb found a massive bit of seaweed he decided to engage in battle.  He picked it up and flung it into the air a few times and then grabbed it and ran off, the seaweed was so big that as he tried to run away with it he tripped and once again went sailing down the beach on his chin!  Planktonstein to the last!

 Have you ever just looked at someone and thought "who pee'd in that gene pool?"

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Day 407 in Exile

Hahahahaahahahahaahahahahahaa!  Oh my, I have bellyache from laughing so much this morning!  The kelb has truly excelled himself today.  He woke the shrew up at 6 am, as he threw up seaweed he had consumed the day before all over her bedroom rug.  He is such a drama queen you can hear him hurling in Manchester!  The shrew cleared it all up and then went back to bed.  Once we got up and had breakfast we went for a walk to the beach, the first thing the kelb did was to run onto the beach and start grazing on the seaweed.  The shrew was outraged and began windmilling, she shooed him down to the far end of the beach away from any potential scavenging attempts.

We moved up into the dunes and as there was no one around and no sheep the shrew let the kelb free.  A move she was about to bitterly regret.  There were a few rabbits darting about the dunes and the kelb went after them, he is so old and slow he had no chance.  The shrew hurried through the dunes as I leapt about in the long grass snorting and checking out as many warrens as I could on my long line.  The kelb suddenly disappered, the shrew whistled, nothing.  She whistled again, still nothing.  This was very unusual for the kelb as he is such a big wuss if he loses eye contact with her he has a melt down.  The shrew whistled a third time and this time the kelb's stupid fat head popped up looking gormless as ever.  It would appear that Planktonstein had decided to go all Black Ops on the rabbits and disguise himself by rolling in the most rancid, smelly poo!

The shrew was raging.  She made him walk several paces ahead of us and then as we approached the beach again she put him back on a lead.  We made our way back down the path towards home the shrew chastised the kelb as we went, I could barely walk for sniggering.  The shrew had a major stomp on.  As we got into the last field two surfers came along the narrow path, but as soon as their nostrils made contact with the rancid smell of the kelb they gave us a very wide berth.  The shrew exaseprated feebly explained that it was the dog that smelt, I am not convinced they believed her as they scrabbled off as fast as they could, surf boards under their arms.

The kelb has now been shampooed to within an inch of his life and told in no uncertain terms if he even LOOKS at her new couches she will flatten him. He is pouting on his bed and she is pouting on the sofa.  I can't stop laughing!