Saturday, 14 February 2015

A Message From The Shrew

Dear Cockwombles,

This may come as a shock to you, but my dog doesn’t appreciate your “friendly” dog being 1mm away from her cornea.  My elderly, arthritic dog DOES get upset about your bouncy little “friendly dog that isn’t going to bite us” jumping up and down on his arthritic spine.  I know, my dogs lack of tolerance for your ill mannered, off lead dog that is simply doing his best to greet them MUST mean that they were not socialised fully as a puppy and that I am an inept, cretin of an owner that should be punished immediately!  I should never be allowed to show my incompetent face in public again.  After all the fact that my dogs are overreacting to the presence of your super, bouncy and super friendly little dog is because they are sub normal, I mean for goodness sake who wouldn’t want Fluffy’s face pressed up against theirs, his cute little button nose shoved up their arsehole?  He is just so freaking cute, WTF is wrong with my dogs?  It really is our problem, they are anti social and just don’t have the same happy go lucky personality that your little bundle of delight is clearly blessed with.

I really shouldn’t have responded to Fluffy’s display of friendship with rage, what on earth was I thinking!  I mean being a responsible square bear isn’t for everyone is it, who wants to keep their dog on a lead when they meet a dog that is uneasy with such a generous display of affection?  Goodness me, it isn’t the care free, asstard with the mind numbingly slow response to her dog’s ill manners fault that my dogs don’t like being harassed by their little bundle of joy that is “friendly with EVERYONE he meets whether they bloody well like it or not!”

Who KNEW that when a dog starts growling or standing on their back legs and shrieking and windmilling it means that they want Fluffy to go away and to do it RIGHT NOW!  The fact that I tripped over my windmilling, objecting dog because you took 100 years to finally catch Fluffy and get them out of the way is not your fault at all, how were you to know that my dog was distressed and besides, it is just not normal to not want to greet Fluffy with anything less than joy!

Well my little cockwomble I have news for you!  My dog could care less if Fluffy is a gold medal winner when it comes to the art of friendship, he just stuck his face right in her eyeball and now she just wants to rip his furry little head off and mount it on a spike.  She finds him intolerably rude.  My dog has had several experiences of rude little Fluffys and now she just thinks that all Fluffys must be destroyed before they have the chance to piss her off.  Her companion is an affable chap and a true gent, but he is getting on in years and finds it difficult to get up in the morning.  He has arthritis in his spine and so Fluffy using it as a trampoline kind of pisses him off.  Unlike my bitch he doesn’t mean to be rude, but if Fluffy doesn’t retreat and quickly, he is going to help her rip his furry little head off.

As for me, I have met 100 cockwombles just like you and no matter how nicely I ask them to please respect my dogs space and put Fluffy on a lead they all have the same response. Why on earth am I flapping about little Fluffy running up to us, he is just adorable and SO friendly.  He isn’t going to do any harm to my dogs and the fact that they want to harm him is just astounding.  Why didn’t I just train my dogs better and why on earth don’t I get them under control!  OF COURSE! That is what I need to do; I need to control my dogs better so that Fluffy can enjoy being off lead and rushing up to anyone and everyone.  It is my entire fault.  My on lead dogs are SO out of control and they are ruining Fluffy’s life!  How dare I have the audacity to walk around in public with 2 dogs on a lead and what is wrong with me keeping them away from bothering other dogs.  I am such a loser and I really shouldn’t have a dog at all.  To all you cockwombles out there I say a pox on you! 

Monday, 8 December 2014

Day 4 million or thereabouts in Exile

Yesterday morning the shrew got up and put the kettle and the TV on and let the kelb and I out into the garden.  At least she attempted to let me out, but it was hideous!  Freezing cold and sleeting, I would rather risk renal collapse than venture out into Arctic conditions!  The kelb went out into the garden and starting making off for the top end of the garden, the shrew becomes very agitated if we go up there at the moment as apparently it is a quagmire, she is SO dramatic! She was furtively chasing the kelb around to bring him back down to the bottom of the garden when Andrew Marr Started on the television.  The music at the beginning is a trumpeting sound, which prompted me to stick my head out of the back door and fill my lungs and let out a very long, very loud burst of Saluki song.  The next thing I knew the shrew darted from behind the workshop, threw me a death stare and told me to shut up!  I was outraged and sang a bit longer and louder, why on earth would the neighbours not appreciate my wonderful voice at 9 am on a Sunday morning? 

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Day 3 million several hundred and a bit more in Exile

The shrew became very excited after a trip into town at the weekend to see the Christmas lights being switched on. She has interpreted this as the go ahead (much to the annoyance of everyone else in the house) to festoon the house in as much tinsel and light strings as she can lay her hands on.  She has also erected a monstrosity of a Christmas tree in the corner of the lounge complete with its garish embellishments. She refused my offer of assistance when erecting the tree and I was ushered away.  Several hours passed and eventually the shrew emerged from a mountain of tinsel looking battle weary and on the verge of hysteria as she gathered the other infidels to behold and praise her efforts upon pain of death.  She was most disappointed and twitching slightly when the adolescent infidels shrugged and skulked back to their lair muttering the word “whatever” both narrowly escaping a flying festive slipper adorned with little fat reindeer (which I intend to eat at a later date).

I actually quite enjoy Christmas, on the basis that the infidels become very careless about the plates of food stacked high with the most sumptuous goodies.  They don’t find my efforts at creating Christmas decorations very helpful and always refuse point blank to adorn the tree with my festive excreta, complete with little spangly bits of tinsel that I have scoffed when they are not looking.  This is possibly due to the fact that most of my Christmas decorations are made of bodily excretions; my warm chicken centrepiece was vigorously rejected on the grounds that it was apparently quite revolting.  The same can be said of the hideous fat fairy adorning the top of the Christmas tree.  A truly demented vision of an angel; which the shrew “cleverly” fashioned from an old toilet roll and some netting (one would never guess!) some years ago and this year it looks even more mental because its head is half hanging off. 

Once again I find my ears assaulted by groups of pre-pubescent crooners murdering Bing Crosby classics, made worse by the shrew's incessant need to play every single Christmas song in the world AND sing along to it. I have a feeling that the male infidel will forgive me for eating the ipod, he is lucky to be thousands of miles away and not having to suffer this hideous ritual.  If I hear Noddy Holder one more time I will chew off my own ears!  There is NOTHING in the world more irritating than the Christmas shrew!  A creature to be feared I can assure you.  She has a never ending supply of Christmas hats and hideous jumpers that she actually leaves the house wearing!  If it wasn't for all the lovely food at this time of years I would make a break for it, even the kelb who worships the shrew, has a weary look about him at this time of year. 

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Day 3 million and several more in Exile

I have found a new game that is so fun!  The shrew gets really agitated if I run up to the top of the garden and start lurking in the bushes looking shifty.  She normally goes out with us and wanders about the garden keeping an eye on us, especially after the Border Collie incident.  This morning while she was putting out the recycling I made a bolt for the top of the garden.

The shrew followed and stood at the tree and watched me, I decided that the game was not fun enough this morning.  I disappeared into the bushes at the top and wandered about with my shiftiest look on my face, the shrew called.  I rubber eared her and upped the ante by wandering into the corner just out of sight.  The shrew called again, the kelb ran down the garden and I remained lurking in the bushes.  The shrew called again, I could tell by the shrillness in her voice that she was cracking.  I remained in the bushes.  The shrew lost patience and came marching up the garden.  The garden is on quite a steep incline so marching up it is not as easy as it sounds.  She looked like a psychotic penguin as she waddled up the hill calling me repeatedly.  The very top right hand side of the garden is quite boggy, I popped out of the bushes and wandered into the boggy part of the garden.  The shrew called me down again, I was finding her frustration quite amusing at this point and I wandered back into the bushes.  The shrew decided she was going to follow me and shoo me down the garden. 

She climbed the hill further and stepped onto the boggy part of the garden.  She immediately sank. She panicked and tried to step further up, her crocks got stuck in the boggy mud (best place for those hideous things if you ask me) and to her horror she stepped out of them and into the boggy oozing mud.  She was now ankle deep in quaggy mud and she did not look amused in the slightest.  At this point I decided the bushes were boring and I ran down to the bottom of the garden, leaving her stranded and cursing at the top of the garden as she attempted to free herself from her predicament.  She came squelching down the garden with a face like thunder and is now sat in the laundry room scrubbing her grubby feet and muttering under her breath.

I am chuckling on the couch.  I must play that game with her again, she seemed to REALLY enjoy it this morning!

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Day 3 million and 42 (or something like that) in Exile

The shrew let us into the garden a couple of days ago while she was hanging some washing up on the line.  The kelb and I were mooching about, when all of a sudden the trees at the top of the garden started to shake and a Border Collie burst through them having heard us respond to a bark and decided he might join us!  He was a cheeky young upstart and came into the garden wagging his tail and thinking we might play if you please!  I don't like kelbs at the best of times, but an interloper!  The very idea that I would engage in any frivolity with such an impudent beast!  I decided to box his ears.  A great deal of commotion broke out as I cuffed the young scoundrel and gave him a piece of my mind.  The kelb decided to come over all chivalrous and came to my aid and we mounted a 2 pronged attack on the Border Collie.

Meanwhile the shrew became hysterical and was squawking in the background like a demented chicken, flapping her arms around and screeching at us all to cease.  We continued to berate the intruder the full length of the garden.  All of a sudden I heard a dull thud and found myself covered in washing!  The shrew in exasperation threw her laundry at us complete with the basket, which thudded off the Border Collies head.  We were all 3 covered in Pajamas and the shrew's enormous pants!  We all scattered in different directions.  I attempted to gather my composure and continue castigating the cheeky trespasser, but the shrew had by then grabbed my collar and was holding the Border Collie at arms length too.  I attempted a few snaps at his tail as she dragged ME towards the house.  The kelb then appeared to wag his tail and befriend the Border Collie!  He is such a traitor!  The shrew shoved me into the utility room and shut the door and a few moments later the kelb was thrust through the utility room door as well.

The shrew came inside and put me in my crate and then she left.  Apparently she was taking the criminal Collie to the police station.  Apparently en route it occurred to the shrew to call into the vet and see if the Collie was chipped or known to them.  Eventually the Collie's owner showed up, he had been visiting his daughter when the naughty young pup had suddenly vaulted the wall.  I suspect that he won't be making that mistake again, but I am carrying out stringent border patrols to ensure that he doesn't.  If he comes back, I will be ready for him!  One does not simply encroach on a Saluki's territory and live to tell the tale!

The shrew spent the evening being pale and hysterical and having a rather large glass of wine or 3!

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Day 3 million in Exile (it sure feels like it)

Well I haven't blogged in some time, the shrew was so busy with sorting out our old house so that we could sell and move on.  Eventually she announced that we were moving to Buckie, I became so excited!  FINALLY the shrew had realised my status in life and secured me a palace befitting my status, although I thought her rather crude calling THE palace "Buckie"!!

You can imagine my dismay when I discovered we were not moving to the palace of my dreams but to a little Scottish fishing town in the Highlands! 

Thankfully the house is actually quite nice and best of all it sports a huge walled garden that I have been able to run free in.  I have made the most of this, spending many an afternoon zooming up and down the length of the garden.  Last week the shrew got in my way and I ran into her at full speed, she spent the next few hours being really dramatic and likening it to being run down by a train!  How VERY dare she, besides it was her fault for getting in the path of a full speed Saluki!
Yesterday we went out walking along the sea front, it is just out the door for us and a nice walk.  There is a park just along the way which we passed through.  As we were walking along a kelb came in the opposite direction with its owner, it was on a lead and didn't dare to make eye contact with me ( he obviously knew his place), just to be sure he knew how powerful I was I reared up on my back legs and windmilled at it to make sure it stayed far away from me.  As I was windmilling I somehow managed to clip my own toe to my lead with the clip fastening that attaches it to my collar.  Aside from this being extremely embarrassing it blooming hurt as well as it was pinching my toe.  There ensued a scene from Platoon as I launched myself into a dramatic death roll and began screaming like I was being murdered.  The shrew became quite flustered as she attempted to release me from the torture, but the clip was one that pushed inwards rater than down (I have escaped from a downward clasp lead several times now).  Every time she tried to push the clasp in to release it my toe was in the way and my shrieking became louder and my psychotic outburst more and more dramatic.  In the end the shrew lay me on my side and lay ON me and quickly released the catch.  I was still horrified that she had lay on me it took a while to realise that my painful trauma was over!  We did continue on with the walk, but the shrew has decided to try a harness so my lead is behind me to prevent any further episodes, as she knows I will always shake my fist at a passing kelb. 

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Day 497 in Exile

The shrew attempted to poison me this morning with a putrid offering of lambs kidneys for breakfast, I spat them out all over the kitchen floor to let her know that I was not amused at her disgusting offering.  I have no doubt that her corpulent toady scoffed them as soon as my back was turned!  I was reduced to eating a bowl of wicker balls that were on the coffee table.  They didn't do a lot for me either, they tasted perfumey!  I had no choice but to spit the pieces out all over the living room carpet, which appeared to irk the shrew somewhat and brought on another of her skull numbing lectures about what a "horrid little dog I am".  I was given two measley sausages to tide me over to the next meal and that was only because the kelb had to have his "old fart" medication and is far too dim witted to work out that the shrew conceals them in sausages.

The shrew has been a real drag of late, she appears to be studying for something and is constantly found with her nose in a book or gnashing over her laptop with a furrowed brow.  I sincerely hope that she isn't attempting to train me again, that really didn't work out so well for her last time...

Anyway, I have been doing some reading of my own, although I am pretty sure I could teach the dogs in this book a thing or two about being really dastardly!