Saturday, 27 December 2008

Day 505 of Captivity

Well I'll be damned, this heathen  festival of Christmas has not been so bad after all, in that it has provided many opportunities for food thievery and skullduggery.  The Female Infidel does seem to have placed me under a close supervision order these past few days which I find rather exasperating!  I was just unwrapping my second quality street chocolate this afternoon, that I had looted while she was otherwise engaged; but unfortunately she returned to the room and caught me in the act.  I made her chase me round the furniture to retrieve it, leaving her a gasping heap on the couch as I sprang gracefully round the coffee table.  She is about as agile as a wounded rhino!

This festival seems to be a time for leaving plates piled high with copious amounts of wonderful smelling food just lying about the place to be pilfered.  The boring fat kelb never takes anything, even when it is right there asking to be liberated.  He almost caved at lunch time when it came to the cheese board, flapping his tongue about in the distance!  How vapid of him, he is a large dog and could easily overpower any of the infidels and just take it, but he is too busy being a big fat creep.  He sits and gives them a paw for goodness sake.  The Infidels seem to absolutely lap this up and give him the odd titbit here and there.  I would never descend to such degradation!  

I have managed to purloin the odd mince pie and chocolate here and there.  Christmas morning was marvelous, apart from a appalling beginning to the day whereby the female served me up with a plate of turkey giblets!  She was so pleased with this abysmal offering it was really quite tragic.  Of course the kelb devoured the lot with glee.  He really is an abomination!

The day did pick up, however, when  I "assisted" the hairy infidel and his weedy sibling in opening their gifts by dashing past them and ripping great lumps of paper off for them, which I then did a lap of victory of the coffee table with.  I had a blast.  It did seem to irk the adolescents, so somewhat of a bonus!  

The drawback to the day was that I was put into solitary once it was time to serve up the mouth watering meal that they all quaffed.  The miserable Infidels got irritated because I was circling the dining table like a shark.  It smelled so good, much better than the abhorrent gruel that was bestowed upon me this morning.  They must have been consumed with guilt for their cruelty, because after they had eaten I was given a lovely big bowl of cooked turkey, which I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed.  Now what I would like to know is, why can't they feed me like that everyday!

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Day 498 of Captivity

This year I have mostly been eating:

1 camel saddle
7 pairs of shoes
1 mobile phone
2 pairs of spectacles
3 of the legs from a wooden elephant
2 TV remotes
2 kitchen chairs
A trashy novel
pot pourri
A brightly coloured pen (managed to get the ink on the carpet with that one)
An Umbrella plant
Several yards of tinsel
A blanket
All of the sweaty kelbs toys (he should not be so pitiful and run round with cuddly toys)
Cushion covers
Tassels from cushions
The curtains on the landing
The tie backs on the landing
The rug on the landing (bit of a clue here, supervise me on the landing!)
The face off a sock monkey (I was disturbed mid chew and did not manage to fully consume this item)
Several TV guides
Various invertebrates found in the garden
Various dish cloths and sponges (I particularly like the green scrubby variety of sponge if anyone is thinking of a Christmas gift!)
Much counter surfing activity has taken place this year and I have managed to surreptitiously liberate several doughnuts from being scoffed by the infidels ( I am only thinking of their girth)
And a Weim mar rah ah ah ner ( hmm it works to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas)

Yes, all in all it has been a good year for consumables.  May 2009 bring more of the same.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Day 492 of Captivity

As I lay pouting on the couch saddened at not being able to attend Hadj AGAIN, I am spurred on by the thought that at least I annoy the Infidels.  The female Infidel in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up, left a black shoe box lying in the dining room.  I think the thought was if I closed my eyes and ran round it  I would imagine the thrill of mixing with millions of true believers making our way around the Kabbah, instead I ate the shoes and chewed the box.  How lame is she?

She went out this morning to meet with fellow infidels and consume coffee and quaff cakes!  She seems to be attempting to match her own body weight when consuming the cakes.  I myself have found a new game to play with the kelb, it is called "Torture the Kelb with food".  I wait for the imbecile to devour his chicken, all the while skulking round the garden pretending to sniff the flowers.  Once he has finished I very, very slowly savour my chicken, enjoying every mouthful, whilst the drooling buffoon looks on.  I particularly enjoy it when he attempts to help me with my meal and is unceremoniously stuffed in the kitchen to drool through the screen door.  It is hilarious!  One thing though, I almost died slipping in a river of his foul drool, what an embarrassing way to go!  The sheer horror of being found in such a way by fellow peers!

I have actually managed to languish on the infidels bed these past few nights.  I have to be careful to remain still until I hear the dulcet tones of the male infidel sucking in the room with his thunderous snores.  The sound would put a rhino to shame!  The nasal symphony is quite ghastly!  In fact it vexed me so much last night, I was compelled to go into my crate of my own volition.  As soon as the female heard me hit the back of the crate she leapt from her bed and locked me in, muttering something about my having been flapping about like a salmon! Still,  I would rather be a salmon than a trout old bean!

Sunday, 7 December 2008

day 485 of Captivity

Scoff!  The infidels have truly surpassed themselves this time, I really didn't believe they could be any more fatuous, but once again they have proved me wrong.  They have erected a 7ft tree inside the house, yes you heard me right, it is actually INSIDE the house!  It appears to be in celebration of that heathen festival Christmas!  I am rather disappointed that the kelb has not tried to urinate on it even once; which is very out of character for him.  That buffoon will urinate on just about anything, including on occasion ME!!!!

I have made many valiant attempts to sabotage this atrocity that now adorns our living room with its vulgar shiny embellishments and hideous flashing lights.  I have driven the female infidel to the brink of insanity with my efforts, a favourite is to eat the tinsel she really gets upset by this.  I have produced some very festive excreta in the last few weeks, complete with shiny bits of tinsel.  Hang that on your tree infidels!

The female infidel is being all jolly and listening to tiresome tunes by worn out old has beens, such as Cliff Richards.  If I hear Mistletoe and Wine one more time, I swear I will chew off my own ears!  Oh, the monstrous torment these Infidels put me through is inhumane!  

Of course it is Hadj, but instead of going on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I am to be left here surrounded by Christmas trees and bloody Father Christmas!  I must have been truly evil in a former life to deserve the infinite perdition that is to be my daily life.  I am going to wait until no one is looking and shred the Christmas presents, they will not enjoy this heretical affair.  How very dare they!  Allah be praised and deliver me from these infidels.  I pray that the New Year brings opportunities for my emancipation. 

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Day 463 of Captivity

I was just alerting the female Infidel to the fact that she had shut me out of the bedroom this morning, when she thrust the door open and ambushed me.  I was unceremoniously plunged into the bath and scrubbed clean, in tea tree and oat shampoo!  Since when has a Royal Saluki aspired to smell of tea tree!  Curses!  

The torture then continued as she cleaned my ears.  I was rather vexed by this dastardly act.  To pay her back for this treachery I did the wall of death of the lounge, bouncing hard on the new precious furniture.  This sent the female Infidel into an apoplectic fury, which resulted in me once again being thrust into solitary in a most undignified fashion.  In  the hopes of giving her a heart attack or making her actually implode I then vomited on the carpet the instant I was released.  I have spent the afternoon on the sofa with a look of smug glee on my face.  

The only saving grace to this entire sorry episode  was that the sweaty kelb was also tortured.  He smells less like a decomposing badger, and one can be in his presence without feeling the urge to gag violently.  Although, he still has the breath from Satan's buttocks!  The horror.....The horror!

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Day 452 of Captivity

I knew that the Infidels were complete and utter simpletons, but I am now convinced that they don't have an ounce of sense!  The world has been coming to an end and they have sat around drinking tea as if nothing were happening.  There have been flashes of light in the sky, loud bangs and rumblings and the sky has been collapsing since yesterday, water has been gushing from the heavens.  I am doomed to die as an infidel captive!  Is there no end to the humiliation I must endure!  I have been hiding in my crate and the kelb has taken refuge under the dining table.  Death amongst these godless rogues must surely mean that I will not get into heaven, instead I will end my days surrounded by their pling pling gods and joss sticks.  Help me!

Monday, 3 November 2008

Day 451 of Captivity

This morning after our exercise on the cycling contraption the female infidel let me out into the garden.  She was not as vigilant as she usually is and I managed to consume some umbrella grass.  Once I was discovered I was ushered back into the house and the female infidel had a face like thunder.  We went back to bed for a while as we had got up very early to exercise, I managed to secure a spot on the bed this morning and was enjoying languishing, scoffing at the kelb on his bed.

I waited until the female Infidel had drifted off and then I jumped off the bed and began to pace the bedroom looking for a suitable bit of carpet to deposit the regurgitated umbrella grass.  I must have been a bit over zealous, as the noise I was making alerted the female infidel. I must say, she has to be applauded for the speed in which she thrust me into the en suite throwing bath mats left, right and centre as she went.  I had no other choice but to deposit the vomit onto the tiled floor of the bathroom.  Not quite the victorious technicolour yawn I envisaged for her carpets and the ensuing hysteria that it would have incited.  

I felt slightly triumphant as the female, whilst swearing under her breath, wretched at having to clean up the slimy mess from the tiles, flapping her arms at the disgusting kelb who has been known to dine on my vomit on more than one occasion!  That beast would eat things that would make a billy goat gag!

Needless to say my languishing was over and it was back to the cell for me.  Still I took solace in the fact I had clearly upset the female infidel at an early hour of the day; a minor victory but I will take it.

I have been annoying her this morning by standing at the window on the precious new furniture, and every time she gets off her seat to remove me I jump down, only to jump back up when she returns to her seat at the computer book thing she spends her time "working" on.  She took this for a time and then sent me to my crate, as she is clearly too lazy to keep getting up and down!  

The tedium continues! 

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Day 442 of Captivity

Oh what glee!  The male infidel and his hairy offspring have returned from their holiday bringing with them suitcases full of new and interesting items for me to chew.  I have my eye on a set of wooden elephants, the chewing opportunity is just too good to pass up.  Thus far I have not been able to get near them without the female infidel flailing her arms about and shrieking at me like a demented banshee that I will be taken to the desert!  Does she not realise this is what I have been waiting for all these long dark months.  It seems all that it would take is to chew those elephants.  I am, however concerned that my trip to the desert is also mentioned in the same sentence as shovels and deep cavernous holes.

Yawn!  The Infidels are very pleased with themselves, they spent the weekend installing wooden bars at the windows and ever since I have not been permitted to even get so much as my nose near the windows without the onset of bouts of rage and mass hysteria!  I am very peeved!  They don't seem to comprehend that they require my skills as a sentry to keep away any peasant cats and other subordinate creatures that pass by the windows without permission.  There is also the issue of those grubby men that turn up three times a week and steal our garbage!

To top it all off a new lounge suite was delivered this morning and it appears that all gymnastic activities and walls of death have been suspended indefinitely.  My infidel hell just became the most tedious place on earth.  My only source of entertainment has been that the moronic kelb has not been able to decide whether he is allowed to lie on the new furniture or not and the infidels don't seem to be letting on either.  I am currently scoffing at him from the sofa as he lays drooling on the floor.  Most amusing!

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Day 427 of Captivity

The female infidel seemed to become slightly enraged this morning when I ran away with the shower curtain, complete with pole, during her shower.  I managed to hit her on the head with the pole as I made my escape, perhaps it will knock some sense into her!  She was covered in soap and shampoo and screeching at me, she looked like an abomination, the sight was quite abhorrent and I soon began to regret this maneuver.  She really ought to have grasped the fact that I become very bored when left alone for even a few moments!  This week I have managed to gnaw on her mobile phone, shred a box of tissues and steal the shower curtain all during shower time, does anyone else see a theme here?  Yes the female infidel truly is a dullard!

Oh well a little amusement to start off another dull day in the tedious world of the proles.  I still remain a captive of the infidels after all these long months and I despair of there ever being a rescue party.  One has to amuse oneself somehow during these dark days!

Monday, 6 October 2008

Day 422 of Captivity

I have had such fun for the last few days, all at the female infidels expense of course.  She and her friend have started making Christmas decorations!  Every infidel knows full well that Christmas is Haram!  She spent ages sticking little trees onto a skirt that is to go round her tree, and I managed to get hold of it the other day and bite a few off.  She was not at all amused, as it had taken the best part of an afternoon to put them there.  She bellowed at me when she caught me, she really must learn not to leave things lying about even if it for just a few seconds, I am a fast worker.

Last night was not so much fun, I seem to be experiencing another hormone surge and the kelb was like a dog possessed.  He seemed to be of the opinion that I was his prison bitch yesterday, the mere thought sends a shiver down my spine and makes me feel sick to the stomach.  Not even if he were the last kelb alive would I sully myself so!  Luckily the female infidel removed him and made him lie down away from me, it didn't stop his attempts on my person, it was as if he were bewitched.  I can understand his attraction to me, I am rather alluring, but he is a minion.  GAK!  

The dust seems to have settled this morning and he has only had a quick sniff as the female told him at once to leave me.  I just know that if it continues I will have to be taken to see the vet and be impaled again with a needle to stop the hormones.  What a wretched existence.  A fatwa on the lustful kelb!  Loathsome creature.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Day 418 of Captivity

The visiting infidel is here again today.  She has vexed me considerably this morning.  I was enjoying a morning slumber, when I was rudely awoken by the visiting infidel hoovering the couch on which I was taking my nap!  Such insolence!  This injustice prompted me to consume yet another of her shoes, to let her know that I was scandalised by her impudence!  Needless to say the female Infidel was outraged by my act of revenge and I, the injured party, was sent to solitary with a severe reprimand.  Hardly just!

I let the female infidel know that I am brooding by letting out very long and dramatic sighs.  She will pay for this injustice later, I will wait until she is tired and then antagonise her.  I have many weapons in my arsenal that I can bombard her with.  

Monday, 29 September 2008

Day 415 of Captivity

The male Infidel has taken the hairy teen and the nerdy boy Infidels away on holiday for 18 days.  The female infidel has remained at home with the sweaty kelb and myself, apparently many of her friends would be willing to take the kelb but they are all too lilly livered to cope with me!  How feeble they must be!  

I have been keeping the female on her toes and dug a nice big crater in the back yard which she consequently filled back in.  I have pretended to be restless at the departure of the male infidels and used it as an excuse to chew on a few things.  Quite frankly I wish they had all gone away, I could then live the life I was born for and enjoy a bit of freedom, instead of having to endure the tedium of these wretched proles.  I shall enjoy bringing the female infidel to her knees over the next week or so, normally she has reinforcements, let's see how she copes with me on her own.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Day 404 of Captivity

Ramadan Kareem!  I have been quiet of late as it is the festival of Ramadan.  I have spent much of my time sleeping during the day, waking late afternoon to attain a sugar rush from dates, I haven't managed to get my hands on any coffee, the infidels keep it hidden and make comments along the lines of me being wired enough!

I have managed to consume yet another of the visiting infidels pairs of shoes, which made the female infidel extremely angry.  She can be a drama queen that one!  I got hold of their music machine remote today and attempted to annihilate it, there is only so much Abba a girl can stand!

The Infidels went out this evening and I was left behind with the teenage hairy hormonal Infidel and the weedy stringy little Infidel, that tastes unclean.  I amused myself springing into the weedy ones room and relieving him of his possessions and myself on his carpet.  This was a great source of entertainment until the hairy one flew into a hormonal outburst and I was thrust once more into solitude.  He really needs to chill out a bit and get a sense of humour!  Still I doubt if I would have a sense of humour if I resembled a tactically shaved chimp!

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Day 393 of Captivity

The buffoon female infidel took some photos of me wearing a silly pink coat that I believe is to be my winter attire this year, or at least she thinks so anyway!
I refused to pander to her silliness and would not look into the camera.

Of course being a fabulous princess it was a little difficult to resist.  (look at my tortured face).

I am acutely aware that I look a complete imbecile in this hideous Infidel contraption!  I am not amused!

I am just trying to work out if there is any way that I can consume this coat to spare myself the humility of having to wear it in public.

You have witnessed the torture they put me through, if anyone out there wishes to emancipate me, please do!  Infidels need not apply!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Day 390 of Captivity

Yesterday not only did the big clumsy oaf Infidel kelb almost have my eye out with his fat feet during a spot of wrestling I initiated but the female Infidel, not satisfied with this attack, also tried to execute me yesterday!  She administered some medication to allegedly worm me, princesses do not have worms!  I spent the day out in the disgusting toiletting area or weeping under the dining table.

I managed to muster the strength to chew up a permanent marker in the teenage infidels room, getting green ink all over his rug and unfortunately all over my legs.  A pitiful effort I know but I was frail and debilitated by the female infidels toxins.

I am feeling much brighter this morning.  I ensured that the female infidel was unable to return to bed after our exercise this morning, by running around the house at top speed and fetching the tea towel and dish cloth in and out of the kitchen.  Once I ensured she was completely awake, I decided to retire to my bed and sleep.  I will probably sleep for much of the day now.  The female infidel does not look too amused as I believe she was very tired this morning.  What a shame! Perhaps she will have second thoughts before attempting to dispatch me in future!

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Day 388 of Captivity

Revenge is a dish best served cold.  I woke the Infidels at 2.30 this morning to demand my breakfast as I must be fed before sun up.  Being the buffoons they are, they simply threw me out into the garden and sent me in the direction of the toiletting area!  When I was put back in my cell I thought a bit of singing was in order, but thought it prudent to fall silent when the male Infidel threatened to bury me in the desert.

We have had our daily exercise and a couple of hours later the Infidels fed me!  I refused to indulge them, it is Ramadan!  Now I shall have to wait until sun down to be sated, cretins!  Needless to say the fat infidel kelb quaffed his meal this morning.

I am currently languishing on the infidels bed, but no doubt they will find some asinine excuse to put me in my cell.  The usual crimes are running around the room at top speed, wrestling with the kelb when he is sleeping, jumping on their heads when they are trying to sleep and other such trivial excuses.  Why don't they just have me stuffed and be done with it?

Monday, 1 September 2008

Day 387 of Captivity

......look what those wretched degenerate Infidels have done to me now!

I then had to endure thirty minutes of being brushed and I smell of oatmeal and tea tree, GAK!  Oh someone is going to pay for this most disgraceful violation against my person.

The only bonus was that their fat, smelly kelb had to have a bath as well and now he is a little more tolerable to be around, it took some shampoo to get rid of his smell I can tell you!  Being the big creep he is, he jumped in and out of the bath for the female infidel, it would take half an hours of tears and a carton of chunky monkey to recover from lifting his fat carcass into the bath!  I made sure to grab the doorframe on the way into the bathroom and spread all four paws on the sides of the bath to ensure bathing me was a most difficult task.  I also made sure to shake all the water off onto the female Infidel before she managed to get a towel.

How very dare she!  I am now lay under the dining table plotting my revenge.  I keep throwing her the odd withering stare.  May her abaya be infested with the stench of a thousand haddocks!

Friday, 29 August 2008

Day 384 of Captivity

This week the infidels announced that they were holding a dinner party, I awaited my invitation with glee knowing that they could not fail to invite such an important and prestigious guest as myself, a pure bred Arabian princess, only to discover it was for buffoons only with the exception of my fellow Arab neighbours.  

Last night the Infidels hosted the dinner party.  The neighbours from across the street were on the guest list but the Infidels have got wise to my plans of speaking to them, so they kept me away from them by placing me in solitary for the evening and my chances of engaging in witty repartee and human rights abuses within the prison were dashed.  This solitary confinement may also have something to do with the fact that over the duration of the day they were very busy and somewhat fraught and in order to return their focus on ME, where it clearly belongs, I ate a dish cloth, shredded a sponge, stole and chewed 3 napkin rings and the napkins therein.  I also chased the visiting Infidel around the house a couple of times.  The fat kelb drove me insane pacing incessantly around the house looking gormless.

The infidels and their guests sat down and quaffed a huge feast of tagines and rice, sweets and soup and I was given a manky bone to chew on in the afternoon and 2 dates from one of the guests, a fellow Arab, who took pity on my emaciated form and could clearly see I was starving and ill treated having to contend with living with these irksome Infidels.  My shrill cries for help were ignored all evening as was my rendition of various Bedouin folk songs in my efforts to entertain and be part of this event.

I have taken my revenge today by defecating on the doorstep just outside the back door, much to the irritation of the male infidel.  The kelb has shunned me all day despite my attempts to engage him in a spot of Arabic wrestling.  I remain a prisoner of buffoons.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Day 380 of Captivity

I have discovered that the neighbours across the street from the prison speak Arabic!  A couple of days ago I went into the bedroom upstairs so that I would have a better view of their abode.  Every time one of them moved about in their house I screamed at the top of my voice "help me, HELP ME!".  I felt sure that they would hear me and see my predicament.  However, the fat sweaty kelb came in when I was screaming and shouted over the top of my voice with his bellowings, singing like a canary and alerting the buffoon Infidels to my escape attempt.  So once again all the neighbours could hear were the rantings of the local lunatic kelb!  He needs to be on medication.  The curtains were closed and I could make no further pleas for help from my potential saviours.

Needless to say I am still a captive of the filthy infidels.  I have not given up on the neighbours, I just need to find a way to silence the kelb!  He is such a big fat snitch!

Friday, 22 August 2008

Day 377 of Captivity

There is no end to the lengths these Infidels will go to, to torture me!  Not only are they continuously putting their foul breathed faces near my head and kissing me (Gag!  The indignity!), patting me and patronising me with comments like "Aren't you a pretty girl??"  Of course I am beautiful!  I am a princess!  They insist on grooming my coat as well to make me look like I belong in this Infidel society, as their prisoner.  The female Infidel spent some time this afternoon smoothing down my unruly coat and I am now having to spend my energy trying to cultivate the unkempt look again!  Perhaps there will be something nasty in the garden I can roll in to undo her labour and return myself once more to the free spirit that I truly am.  Next time she leaves the drawer of dog equipment open, I am going to eat the grooming tools!  

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Day 376 Of Captivity

 Not only do these Infidels feed me the most disgusting gruel of raw chicken but now they have cut my portions down, because the female Infidel thinks that my posterior is becoming bulky.  Smacks somewhat of the pot calling the kettle don't you think!  After my meagre rations this morning I was still feeling famished, so I dined on her knee brace.  Maybe she will realise that I am starving here!

Last night when the Infidels were carrying out their various evening ablutions before retiring I managed to secure the prime spot on the Infidels bed.  The male was none too happy about this and when he attempted to remove me to my cell I hung like a sack of potatoes, during the ensuing wrestling I managed to place my foot in his mouth, more than once, which I had made sure was coated in the kelb's foul urine while I was in the garden before being forced to retire for the night.  

I note from the newspapers with dismay Saudi Arabia has not fielded a Ladies team, I am ready to pick up the baton.  I thought they would have as my sisters all look quite muscular underneath their abayas and appear to give the men a good hiding at the slightest provocation.  Mind you if I was dressed from head to foot in black in these temperatures my mood would be somewhat crabby too!  Although the colour is very slimming.  I could probably outrun any number of the fat infidels taking part in these events with very little effort.  Even the Kelb would be good, if there were an event for sniffing posteriors, licking one's foul anatomy or standing still looking gormless, he would win gold every time!

Anyway I must go and continue my preparations for Ramadan which include singing the Athan 24 hours a day.  The infidels will just love it!

Monday, 18 August 2008

Day 373 Of Captivity

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits, a Jihad on them all and their sweaty kelb!  Following our exercise on the cycling contraption this morning the female Infidel decided to return to bed because she felt unwell (yawn)  I just think she is a lazy bint.  The big fat creepy kelb was languishing on the bed next to her and when I attempted to torment him by chewing his ears, I was placed in my cell!  I made sure that they didn't get very much sleep by singing my version of the Athan from my solitary confinement.  Every time the female Infidel told me to shut up, I sang louder and shriller grating on her eardrums, until she eventually released me and gave up on the idea of sleep.

I was not satisfied with my exercise today even though it was as much as we usually get, that and being caged has irritated me.  To show my displeasure I have spent the day careering around the house at top speed bouncing off various pieces of furniture and leaving skid marks in all of the carpets, that is until the female Infidel became so incensed she threatened to rip my ears off and placed me in solitary to apparently calm down and settle.  It was a good opportunity to plot my next move.

Once I was released from solitary for a second time today I sulked for a time on the landing to give the impression their feeble punishment had been a success.  Once they were satisfied that I had learnt my lesson I meandered into the lounge and chewed the camel saddle for a while.  I was sprayed in the head with water for this infraction so I moved on to chew the sofa cushion, until I gave myself away by being a little over zealous and making a noise!  I received a telling off from the irksome female Infidel.  I am now posting a vigil at the prison window hoping that someone will spot my despondent face and save me from this wretched prison.  I keep shouting to passers by, but they just accelerate up the street looking startled!  Cretins!  It is probably the kelb's fault, because he has joined in a few times and he has a big mouth and just sounds clinically insane!  I have told him this but am simply met by a blank stare.  I wonder if his ears are broken??  Hmmmm maybe I should chew them a little less.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Day 372 Of Captivity

Groan I am still a captive!  We had an eventful week last week.  A video was made of us exercising but after last time I don't hold out much hope of anything coming of it!  Amnesty International is clearly populated with Infidels and they are all in it together.  I still await their arrival with baited breath!

The kelb managed to wangle a trip to the centre of town but you have all guessed it, he returned with the infidels.  He was none too pleased as he had had a needle stuck in his posterior and was no fun all day as he just wanted to sleep.  I protested quite vigorously at not being taken along on this trip, although I am pleased that I did not have a needle stuck anywhere in me!  These Infidels are degenerates!

Whilst the visiting Infidel was here at the weekend, she opened the front door not long after the Infidels had left the house.  The kelb always snivels when they leave and he decided to jump over the visiting Infidel and go after them.  He is such a moron though he made it into the light of day and to freedom and then came back in the house again!  I tell you if you get close enough to his head you can hear the air whistling through, he is like a living conch!

so another day in this dull Infidel world for me!  

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Day 365 of Captivity

It is very tiring being this evil. The infidels have taken a weeks holiday and I am taking the opportunity to power nap as much as possible in order that I may continue to annoy them on a greater level once the household returns to normal. I have had some serious naps!

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Day 362 Of Captivity

I was gaily singing along to the Imam calling to prayers at 4am this morning in my best singing voice, but the Infidels did not appear to appreciate my musical talent.  They awoke in the foulest of tempers!  The black mood continued when the female Infidel took us for a run on the cycling contraption this morning.  The filthy kelb decided to evacuate his bowels on route and while the female was cleaning up the foul mess, I started leaping about excitedly as I had seen a peasant cat and wished for her to release me to assassinate it.  With all my activity I almost made her fall in the kelbs leavings which did not seem to make her very happy.  She muttered some unrepeatable words for the rest of the exercise and seemed to be in a very bad mood when we returned to the prison!  

I am not very pleased this morning either, because the female Infidel has stripped all my bedding and is putting it in the machine that she thinks makes it smell nice!  I can see that I will have to do something about that as I prefer my bedding to have a more Saluki aroma to it.  A bit of oud sprayed in my cell would go down a treat but no I have to have Infidel smells from their machine instead.

I have spent the morning chewing on a rug on the landing as no one is paying me any attention.  I even left a bit of the wool on the corner of my mouth so that they would know.  Yes that got their attention.  I am now in solitary just for a change.  Bugger!

Monday, 4 August 2008

Day 360 Of Captivity

When will these fatuous Infidels learn that I wish to dine on Lamb Kabsah and dates and not their disgusting unseasoned raw chicken or lambs offal that they keep serving up.  I am not meant for this!  Why do they think that I want to dine al fresco?  I should be fanned and hand served and certainly should not have to share my eating space with a fat drooling kelb.  I only consume the chicken to annoy him, as he is constantly poised ready to scoff anything that I do not eat.  To show my disdain for their measly offerings I hacked up a large chicken leg on their carpet this evening and to my absolute horror the drooling minion ate it!  Are there no levels that he will not stoop to?  He eats things that would make a billy goat puke!

Perhaps this show of defiance will let them know I am not happy with their so called food.  I do like to do this now and again to drive the message home that I do not care for raw chicken and would have much preferred to consume the chicken tagine that the fat Infidels quaffed. 

I was engaging in some good humoured banter with one of the gardeners through the prison windows this morning when the male infidel threatened through gritted teeth to slap the fur out of me if I uttered another sound!  He apparently was engaged in some feeble minded activity on the computer thing that I am not allowed to touch.  I may wee on it tomorrow  to let him know I am not impressed.  After dragging a few papers out of the office and getting sprayed with water, I went into my cell and sulked all afternoon, not that anyone noticed.  

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Day 358 Of Captivity

I don't believe it!  The Muttawa have passed a law that there will be no pet dogs or cats in Riyadh.  Peasant cats I can understand, as they are disgusting and have no place on Allah's clean Earth.  Dogs!  Surely they mean kelbs and not the chosen ones!  And what is this word pet?  Surely they mean fellow inmates.  Captives of the cruel Infidel society.   

Their cruelty knows no bounds they have only fed me twice today.  When I helped myself to a wad of lasagne sheets someone had casually discarded in the kitchen, I was brutally wrestled to the ground and my food was confiscated, I was then subjected to solitary!  All the while the vacant kelb sat grinning inanely and drooling outside my cell.   He really is disgusting!  Gag!

Perhaps this new law is an opportunity for escape and to be finally reunited with my Bedouin brothers and sisters.  Apparently, the "pets" in question are to be confiscated if caught, now all I have to do is convince the female buffoon to exercise me in the middle of town.  

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Day 356 Of Captivity

Yesterday was a terrible day!  The female Infidel was actually my saviour!  A visiting male Infidel came to the prison yesterday to do some repairs to some wires outside.  He then banged on the back door and said he had to come in to do something to a panel in the kitchen.  He didn't even wait for the female to put me in the safety of my cell but barged in and I was very frightened.  I shouted at him and he kept telling me to go away.  The female seemed to be annoyed at this, she took me to the safety of my crate.  The visiting male finally left and the female was very angry because he left a mess behind.

She called us to the garden to give us our breakfast as the male had been gone for quite a while and taken all his things with him.  I was a little distressed as his scent was in the garden and it made me feel afraid.  I finally settled enough to start eating my breakfast when the gate started to open.  I ran over and shouted and shouted but the male was back and he just kept coming in and was telling the female to sort us out.  The kelb was too busy stuffing his fat face and made sure he finished his breakfast before he joined in the shouting.  By now the female Infidel had become quite irate and she shouted at the male to get out!  He went outside and the female went out too and shouted at him a lot!  He waited outside while the female took me to the safety of my crate, only then did she allow the male Infidel to enter, by now his demeanor had changed somewhat and he sounded very whiney and apologetic.  

The male was here a while doing repairs but this time he did not barge in he knocked and asked first and he didn't dare tell the female to sort us out.  He eventually left and never returned but his visit put me in a dither all day and every little thing sent me running for the safety of my crate.  I did not feel happy at all in the garden for the rest of the day and did not eat anything yesterday, because I was too worked up.  I did find some copper wiring which I attempted to eat but the female Infidel caught me and retrieved it, she then began to curse the visiting male once more.  He really has caused trouble here today!

The female went to bed early as we have an early start.  I was still very shaken up and she allowed me to lie with her on their bed wrapped in their downy.  I liked this it felt safe and secure and I calmed down.  Once I felt happy again I went to my crate to sleep, because I was too hot.  

After the stress of yesterday I am feeling quite hyper today so to run off some of my energy I have been doing laps of the prison, up and down the stairs and round and round the rooms.  The female does not seem as disturbed by this behaviour today so perhaps I will take advantage.  I will see how far she will allow me to go.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Day 354 Of Captivity

Allah has forsaken me, several days have passed and still no sign of that elusive rescue party.  I remain a prisoner.  I have been very weary today after all the upheaval and have spent the day in quiet contemplation, perhaps I need a plan B as the buffoons from Amnesty International clearly do not realise the urgency of my plight!  What to do!

I have received a reply from President Bush's Aid.  It read as follows:

Dear Stella,

Unfortunately the President does not drive foreign cars, therefore your offer of a Suzuki must be declined.  We thank you for your kind offer.


Office of The Whitehouse

Good grief!  I despair, that man seriously needs help!  I shall try that nice man Mr Putin.

This day has put me in a black mood indeed.  Woe betide the Infidels tomorrow!

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Day 353 Of Captivity

Today I have had a most displeasing day.  The visiting Infidel has been again and she and the female Infidel have caused much disruption to my day!  They have moved all of the furniture only to poke around at it with horrid smelling buckets of water, and then they moved it all back again!  Buffoons!  To illustrate my displeasure, I spent the morning bouncing off all of the furniture and waiting until they had the lounge sufficiently blocked with furniture,  so I could crawl underneath it and do naughty things while completely out of reach.  I have managed to jump on the coffee table twice today which really seemed to anger the female Infidel, particularly as she could not get to me.  Well let that be a lesson to them, with a bit of luck they have learnt not to disrupt my day in future!

I am now very tired from all my acrobatics and will spend the evening alternating between a deep slumber and fetching shoes from the shoe cupboard.  I am still displeased and want the Infidels to feel my ire.  The kelb has withered under my gaze, he has spent the day following the female around looking gormless in between licking the more repulsive parts of his anatomy!  Obsequious creature!

PS I have left a message for the gardener to discover in the flower bed, I do hope he is turning it over by hand again tomorrow.  Mwahahahahahahaha

Saturday, 26 July 2008

Day 352 Of Captivity

I have been too depressed to post for a couple of days, still no sign of a rescue party and I remain a captive of the Infidels.  It has been the weekend here; on Wednesday the male Infidel attended a wedding where he met a Prince!  I do hope that he put in a good word for me, as I feel a palace would be far more befitting my status as an Arabian Princess.  I fear that he didn't, no matter how mean I am to these Infidels; they still seem to want to keep me here with them.  Perhaps this is their cruel and unusual revenge for my exploits!

The teenage Infidel went out to babysit and I remained here with the female and the young weedy male Infidel.  I like to toy with this male, as he is so lazy he doesn't even use his spine to hold himself up, preferring to loll about the place much to the annoyance of the adult Infidels.  This being the case he is far too lazy to reprimand me like the others, so I can jump all over him to my hearts content, providing I choose a time when none of the others see me.  I also enjoy overpowering him and taking things from him.  The female Infidel keeps telling him that he must be more firm with me or I will take advantage, perhaps she is not quite as stupid I first thought.

The female Infidel is a wily old bird and attempted to weaken my resolve using the skullduggery of cuddles!  I only withstood it because it seemed to upset the kelb and make him jealous.  She allowed the kelb to come up onto the couch too!  He is such a big creep!  I decided to show my contempt for them both by lying in a chair alone, throwing them the odd scowl for good measure.  It was a late night waiting up for everybody and the female Infidel kept falling asleep on the couch, so to keep her alert I brought the odd shoe from the shoe cupboard and dropped it on her swapping this for a tea towel now and again for variety.  Eventually she got a bit annoyed and placed me in solitary.

Once again my attempts at tunneling in the back garden have been scuppered and they have filled it back in!  I find this most annoying!  They seem to get very irritated by my excavations.

Last night in an attempt to alleviate my depression, I took a large slab of chocolate cake from the kitchen counter (I had to get it out of the baking tin).  Unfortunately, I gave myself away as I took the tea towel used to cover it into the lounge!  The female Infidel then placed it on top of the refrigerator so that I could no longer reach it.  I was a bit gutted as I could have consumed several more pieces.  I rounded off the evening by attempting to chew the head off the female Infidel's wooden giraffe.  She has had it for some 13 years, high time she replaced it with something new!

This morning the kelb actually managed to astound me with his stupidity!  We went out on the cycling contraption as usual and he managed to snap his lead and break free.  He stopped so suddenly that his great lumbering force snapped the lead.  What did he do with this opportunity?  Absolutely NOTHING!  He simply trotted alongside the cycling contraption to command and stopped when he was told to!  The female Infidel allowed him to complete his exercise in this manner.  When he broke free and managed to escape I had a massive hissy fit and tried to escape too.  All I managed to achieve was pulling the cycling contraption over and running round in a circle with it, much to the distress of the female Infidel.  She had dismounted to check the damage to the lead and see if she could repair it.  The kelb truly is an imbecile!  I despair!

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Day 350 Of Captivity

Day 350 of captivity


My rescuers have not arrived, but I am sure these things take time to organise.  As I am in the final days of captivity I thought I would up the ante a little and I spent the evening skulking round the house being as quiet as I could so that the female Infidel would come and investigate.  She is just too nosey for her own good that one!  A few times I lulled her into a false sense of security by putting on my best innocent face and looking at her questioningly, letting her know that she was wrong to come and look at me so accusingly.  The fun part is after she feels guilty, I go and get a shoe out of the shoe wrack, which then alerts her suspicions again and makes her all crazy.  I sometimes swap this for a tea towel or the dishcloth but I had her running around all night last night.  She eventually decided that we would all go to bed as she was fed up of getting up and down all night, she lacks stamina!

I thought I would allow the Infidels to sleep until around 1am when I felt a potter around the garden was in order.  A great idea came to me.  The female Infidel scrubbed the back yard as the grotty kelb had made it smell positively disgusting with his so called “love potion”.  Gag, I cannot imagine what foul creature would be seduced by the smell, I really can’t!  I thought it would be fun to pretend that the smell of disinfectant offended me too much to use our designated area for my “business”, so once again I paced the garden looking distressed and then suddenly just went anywhere, which then set the sex crazed kelb into action having to mark over it all with his foul stench.  The female Infidel did not look pleased as I left my message right next to the garden seating area they use.  She then went out into the garden with more disinfectant to cover it.  I love to get her fannying about in the wee hours of the morning.   What else would she be doing?

I was once again prevented from languishing on the Infidels bed after my trip down to the garden.  The female Infidel made me return to my cell letting me know there was no way she would trust me to be free in her room whilst she slept.  The fat lazy kelb is allowed to wallow on a chaise at night; I mean I am the Princess!  He is such a big fat creep and always looking at them with big dopey eyes and doing their bidding.  What a loser! 

I am going to power nap now as I may allow them to sleep tonight but then again I may not, it depends on how the mood takes me.  I also feel that later today I should draft a letter to some of our world leaders, letting them know what an excellent advisor I would make once they allow me to become a refugee in their country after my rescuers arrive to free me.  I think I will start with President Bush, he has nice ears and seems to need all the help he can get!  I wonder if all Infidels are buffoons, it seems they are.  Also on my short list is that nice chap Mr Putin, he has an honest face. I really think I should contact whoever is running Britain, the Infidels normally refer to him as “that bloody man!” so I am sure he is a top bloke, as they often refer to me as “that bloody dog!”

Monday, 21 July 2008

Day 349 Of Captivity - A Glimmer Of Hope

Finally there is a glimmer of hope for my early release from captivity.  Whilst exercising this morning we saw some of my fellow countrymen.  One of them wished to photograph us.  I stood in the background mouthing "HELP ME" but this was to no avail.  The female Infidel believes it is because of the novelty of seeing us all on the cycling contraption, but then we all know she is a buffoon!  No, I have no doubt in my mind that this document of my plight is winging its way to Amnesty International as I write.  Soon a party of rescuers will be dispatched to rescue me from these foul smelling hairless clowns, and this will all be a distant memory.  Yes, today I feel the end of captivity draws near.  Oh happy day!

Curses!  It is a good job Amnesty International are coming soon, the wretched Infidels have found my tunnel I was digging under the prison wall and filled it back in!!!!!  

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Day 348 of Captivity

I awoke this morning and was dismayed to discover I am still a prisoner of war.  The female Infidel has put me in a black mood this morning.  As we left the walls of the prison to be exercised on the cycling contraption there was the offspring of a peasant cat opposite the prison running about.  There is no place in this world for peasant cats nor their filthy offspring.  Despite my efforts to free myself I was unable to take it out, I ushered the grotty kelb into action but the female Infidel is stronger than I thought and she managed to restrain all 45KG of him!

We continued on our exercise and yet more peasant cats were strolling about like they owned the place, an offspring even dared to dash out in our path and the female Infidel made the cycling contraption come to a screeching halt and uttered some expletives at the peasant creature but still she did not free me to assassinate this vermin.  This behaviour only served to reinforce my opinion that the woman is a buffoon and further blackened my mood.  Has she not learnt yet that a Saluki can bear a grudge for hours?!?

On the bright side today is one of the days that we are visited by another Infidel.  This infidel cleans the prison and I take great delight in toying with this Infidel.  I must time my torture of her well, because if the female Infidel catches me she will put me in solitary!  I play such games as run around the visiting Infidel which generally releases strange squeeling sounds from her and the flapping of arms, excellent fun!  I also like to eat her shoes much to the female Infidels horror.  Thus far I have managed to consume two whole pairs.  The female Infidel didn't half go on about this too something about having to pay for them.  I have not paid but the Infidels will and pay dearly.  Another fun task is to retrieve a feather contraption the visiting Infidel uses to flap around at hight objects.  I am not as good at this these days, I used to be able to forcibly remove it from her hands but she is wise to this now and scares me away with whooshing sounds, so I have to bide my time and steal it when it is left unattended, this usually initiates a chase sequence whereby I dart about the house and none of the silly Infidels can catch me.  Yes I am in for a fun day today and perhaps this will serve to lift the black mood that descended on me this morning.

Saturday, 19 July 2008

Day 347 of captivity - Solitary

I write from the confines of solitary, the infidels have placed me there for several infractions.  I was given a meagre meal of raw chicken again this evening while the fat infidels sat down to a full dinner of wonderful smells.  I decided it was only right that they share it with me and stole a chicken carcass that was cooked and seasoned and tasted nice.  The male infidel thwarted my act of theft and retrieved the chicken muttering something about he should have let me choke!  These Infidels are a treacherous breed.

I have since performed the wall of death of the lounge, this seems to send the female Infidel into somewhat of a panic as she rushes round the room attempting to secure her many precious things.  I always make sure to spring hard on the couch which she seems to find equally upsetting making it all the more pleasurable.  This it seems was the straw that broke the camel's back this evening and into solitary I was thrust.  These Infidels have no sense of adventure and in the evenings all they seem to want to do is lay about watching the machinery called a TV.

The female infidel has been reading books about my breed and attempting to learn the secrets of the Saluki, never fear as soon as her eye is off the ball I shall eat the books.  The secrets of the saluki are safe with me.  Two such attempts have thus far been foiled but I am not one to give up easily.  

I am sad to say that another evening is drawing in and I am still being held against my will.  I pass the time by torturing the kelb and the Infidels intermittently.  One has to make the tedium pass quickly somehow.

Day 347 Of Captivity

I still remain a captive of the Infidels.  Last night the Infidels stayed up very late which is most unusual for them, they were watching something on the machinery they call a TV.  It was midnight when they finally went to sleep.  I had had plenty of power naps throughout the evening and it was no problem for me to awake at 2am and urgently request access to the garden.  There is a pit in the garden we use for our toiletting and the female Infidel had forgotten to clean it yesterday, I thought it rather amusing to pace about looking distressed by this fact, even though there was only 2 soilings in there, until she finally gave in and proceeded to clean the area in the dark.  This I found to be excellent entertainment.  I was then ushered back into the house and my plans of languishing on the Infidels bed were foiled as she guided me back to my cage.  Curse her!

The female Infidel still managed to rise at 5am to exercise myself and the grotty kelb.  We are attached to a bike and we run whilst the female Infidel wallows on the seat of the contraption spoiling our fun.  I find the exercise most satisfactory, what I find very unsatisfactory is the fact that there are many peasant cats on our route and the female Infidel refuses to release us to sort them out.  I shout and jump and show my disdain for this act but still she refuses and we are dragged past the smug creatures most unceremoniously.    I have concluded that the female Infidel is a buffoon.  The kelb insists on marking the route with what he calls his love potion, he too is a buffoon and he smells.

I may spend the day torturing the kelb.  I continue to plot from my prison.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Day 346 of Captivity

My many plans for escape have been foiled.  The infidels have taken to spraying me with water for every moment of self expression.  I refuse to recognise the rules, I am a prisoner held captive by infidels.  Their cruelty knows no bounds I am forced to dine on raw chicken and sleep in a quilted crate.  I am not allowed to chew on their belongings.  This evenings plan was to disgust them beyond belief, so I waited until they were dining on their nice smelling food which looks far more appetising that mine I hasten to add.  Once they were really enjoying their meal I promptly hacked up a large lump of chicken.  I then had to ensure the large grey kelb I am forced to share my surroundings with did not swipe the prize.  The female infidel, however, didn't even bat an eyelid and cleaned it up without fuss.  Curse these infidels is nothing going to crack them?  Will I be forced to live out my days with these wretched folk?  My next exploit will not be so easy to deal with, I will frame the kelb.  Mwahahahahahahahaha!