Monday, 29 September 2008

Day 415 of Captivity

The male Infidel has taken the hairy teen and the nerdy boy Infidels away on holiday for 18 days.  The female infidel has remained at home with the sweaty kelb and myself, apparently many of her friends would be willing to take the kelb but they are all too lilly livered to cope with me!  How feeble they must be!  

I have been keeping the female on her toes and dug a nice big crater in the back yard which she consequently filled back in.  I have pretended to be restless at the departure of the male infidels and used it as an excuse to chew on a few things.  Quite frankly I wish they had all gone away, I could then live the life I was born for and enjoy a bit of freedom, instead of having to endure the tedium of these wretched proles.  I shall enjoy bringing the female infidel to her knees over the next week or so, normally she has reinforcements, let's see how she copes with me on her own.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Day 404 of Captivity

Ramadan Kareem!  I have been quiet of late as it is the festival of Ramadan.  I have spent much of my time sleeping during the day, waking late afternoon to attain a sugar rush from dates, I haven't managed to get my hands on any coffee, the infidels keep it hidden and make comments along the lines of me being wired enough!

I have managed to consume yet another of the visiting infidels pairs of shoes, which made the female infidel extremely angry.  She can be a drama queen that one!  I got hold of their music machine remote today and attempted to annihilate it, there is only so much Abba a girl can stand!

The Infidels went out this evening and I was left behind with the teenage hairy hormonal Infidel and the weedy stringy little Infidel, that tastes unclean.  I amused myself springing into the weedy ones room and relieving him of his possessions and myself on his carpet.  This was a great source of entertainment until the hairy one flew into a hormonal outburst and I was thrust once more into solitude.  He really needs to chill out a bit and get a sense of humour!  Still I doubt if I would have a sense of humour if I resembled a tactically shaved chimp!

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Day 393 of Captivity

The buffoon female infidel took some photos of me wearing a silly pink coat that I believe is to be my winter attire this year, or at least she thinks so anyway!
I refused to pander to her silliness and would not look into the camera.

Of course being a fabulous princess it was a little difficult to resist.  (look at my tortured face).

I am acutely aware that I look a complete imbecile in this hideous Infidel contraption!  I am not amused!

I am just trying to work out if there is any way that I can consume this coat to spare myself the humility of having to wear it in public.

You have witnessed the torture they put me through, if anyone out there wishes to emancipate me, please do!  Infidels need not apply!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Day 390 of Captivity

Yesterday not only did the big clumsy oaf Infidel kelb almost have my eye out with his fat feet during a spot of wrestling I initiated but the female Infidel, not satisfied with this attack, also tried to execute me yesterday!  She administered some medication to allegedly worm me, princesses do not have worms!  I spent the day out in the disgusting toiletting area or weeping under the dining table.

I managed to muster the strength to chew up a permanent marker in the teenage infidels room, getting green ink all over his rug and unfortunately all over my legs.  A pitiful effort I know but I was frail and debilitated by the female infidels toxins.

I am feeling much brighter this morning.  I ensured that the female infidel was unable to return to bed after our exercise this morning, by running around the house at top speed and fetching the tea towel and dish cloth in and out of the kitchen.  Once I ensured she was completely awake, I decided to retire to my bed and sleep.  I will probably sleep for much of the day now.  The female infidel does not look too amused as I believe she was very tired this morning.  What a shame! Perhaps she will have second thoughts before attempting to dispatch me in future!

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Day 388 of Captivity

Revenge is a dish best served cold.  I woke the Infidels at 2.30 this morning to demand my breakfast as I must be fed before sun up.  Being the buffoons they are, they simply threw me out into the garden and sent me in the direction of the toiletting area!  When I was put back in my cell I thought a bit of singing was in order, but thought it prudent to fall silent when the male Infidel threatened to bury me in the desert.

We have had our daily exercise and a couple of hours later the Infidels fed me!  I refused to indulge them, it is Ramadan!  Now I shall have to wait until sun down to be sated, cretins!  Needless to say the fat infidel kelb quaffed his meal this morning.

I am currently languishing on the infidels bed, but no doubt they will find some asinine excuse to put me in my cell.  The usual crimes are running around the room at top speed, wrestling with the kelb when he is sleeping, jumping on their heads when they are trying to sleep and other such trivial excuses.  Why don't they just have me stuffed and be done with it?

Monday, 1 September 2008

Day 387 of Captivity

......look what those wretched degenerate Infidels have done to me now!

I then had to endure thirty minutes of being brushed and I smell of oatmeal and tea tree, GAK!  Oh someone is going to pay for this most disgraceful violation against my person.

The only bonus was that their fat, smelly kelb had to have a bath as well and now he is a little more tolerable to be around, it took some shampoo to get rid of his smell I can tell you!  Being the big creep he is, he jumped in and out of the bath for the female infidel, it would take half an hours of tears and a carton of chunky monkey to recover from lifting his fat carcass into the bath!  I made sure to grab the doorframe on the way into the bathroom and spread all four paws on the sides of the bath to ensure bathing me was a most difficult task.  I also made sure to shake all the water off onto the female Infidel before she managed to get a towel.

How very dare she!  I am now lay under the dining table plotting my revenge.  I keep throwing her the odd withering stare.  May her abaya be infested with the stench of a thousand haddocks!