Sunday, 14 December 2008

Day 492 of Captivity

As I lay pouting on the couch saddened at not being able to attend Hadj AGAIN, I am spurred on by the thought that at least I annoy the Infidels.  The female Infidel in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up, left a black shoe box lying in the dining room.  I think the thought was if I closed my eyes and ran round it  I would imagine the thrill of mixing with millions of true believers making our way around the Kabbah, instead I ate the shoes and chewed the box.  How lame is she?

She went out this morning to meet with fellow infidels and consume coffee and quaff cakes!  She seems to be attempting to match her own body weight when consuming the cakes.  I myself have found a new game to play with the kelb, it is called "Torture the Kelb with food".  I wait for the imbecile to devour his chicken, all the while skulking round the garden pretending to sniff the flowers.  Once he has finished I very, very slowly savour my chicken, enjoying every mouthful, whilst the drooling buffoon looks on.  I particularly enjoy it when he attempts to help me with my meal and is unceremoniously stuffed in the kitchen to drool through the screen door.  It is hilarious!  One thing though, I almost died slipping in a river of his foul drool, what an embarrassing way to go!  The sheer horror of being found in such a way by fellow peers!

I have actually managed to languish on the infidels bed these past few nights.  I have to be careful to remain still until I hear the dulcet tones of the male infidel sucking in the room with his thunderous snores.  The sound would put a rhino to shame!  The nasal symphony is quite ghastly!  In fact it vexed me so much last night, I was compelled to go into my crate of my own volition.  As soon as the female heard me hit the back of the crate she leapt from her bed and locked me in, muttering something about my having been flapping about like a salmon! Still,  I would rather be a salmon than a trout old bean!


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