Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Day 356 Of Captivity

Yesterday was a terrible day!  The female Infidel was actually my saviour!  A visiting male Infidel came to the prison yesterday to do some repairs to some wires outside.  He then banged on the back door and said he had to come in to do something to a panel in the kitchen.  He didn't even wait for the female to put me in the safety of my cell but barged in and I was very frightened.  I shouted at him and he kept telling me to go away.  The female seemed to be annoyed at this, she took me to the safety of my crate.  The visiting male finally left and the female was very angry because he left a mess behind.

She called us to the garden to give us our breakfast as the male had been gone for quite a while and taken all his things with him.  I was a little distressed as his scent was in the garden and it made me feel afraid.  I finally settled enough to start eating my breakfast when the gate started to open.  I ran over and shouted and shouted but the male was back and he just kept coming in and was telling the female to sort us out.  The kelb was too busy stuffing his fat face and made sure he finished his breakfast before he joined in the shouting.  By now the female Infidel had become quite irate and she shouted at the male to get out!  He went outside and the female went out too and shouted at him a lot!  He waited outside while the female took me to the safety of my crate, only then did she allow the male Infidel to enter, by now his demeanor had changed somewhat and he sounded very whiney and apologetic.  

The male was here a while doing repairs but this time he did not barge in he knocked and asked first and he didn't dare tell the female to sort us out.  He eventually left and never returned but his visit put me in a dither all day and every little thing sent me running for the safety of my crate.  I did not feel happy at all in the garden for the rest of the day and did not eat anything yesterday, because I was too worked up.  I did find some copper wiring which I attempted to eat but the female Infidel caught me and retrieved it, she then began to curse the visiting male once more.  He really has caused trouble here today!

The female went to bed early as we have an early start.  I was still very shaken up and she allowed me to lie with her on their bed wrapped in their downy.  I liked this it felt safe and secure and I calmed down.  Once I felt happy again I went to my crate to sleep, because I was too hot.  

After the stress of yesterday I am feeling quite hyper today so to run off some of my energy I have been doing laps of the prison, up and down the stairs and round and round the rooms.  The female does not seem as disturbed by this behaviour today so perhaps I will take advantage.  I will see how far she will allow me to go.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Day 354 Of Captivity

Allah has forsaken me, several days have passed and still no sign of that elusive rescue party.  I remain a prisoner.  I have been very weary today after all the upheaval and have spent the day in quiet contemplation, perhaps I need a plan B as the buffoons from Amnesty International clearly do not realise the urgency of my plight!  What to do!

I have received a reply from President Bush's Aid.  It read as follows:

Dear Stella,

Unfortunately the President does not drive foreign cars, therefore your offer of a Suzuki must be declined.  We thank you for your kind offer.


Office of The Whitehouse

Good grief!  I despair, that man seriously needs help!  I shall try that nice man Mr Putin.

This day has put me in a black mood indeed.  Woe betide the Infidels tomorrow!

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Day 353 Of Captivity

Today I have had a most displeasing day.  The visiting Infidel has been again and she and the female Infidel have caused much disruption to my day!  They have moved all of the furniture only to poke around at it with horrid smelling buckets of water, and then they moved it all back again!  Buffoons!  To illustrate my displeasure, I spent the morning bouncing off all of the furniture and waiting until they had the lounge sufficiently blocked with furniture,  so I could crawl underneath it and do naughty things while completely out of reach.  I have managed to jump on the coffee table twice today which really seemed to anger the female Infidel, particularly as she could not get to me.  Well let that be a lesson to them, with a bit of luck they have learnt not to disrupt my day in future!

I am now very tired from all my acrobatics and will spend the evening alternating between a deep slumber and fetching shoes from the shoe cupboard.  I am still displeased and want the Infidels to feel my ire.  The kelb has withered under my gaze, he has spent the day following the female around looking gormless in between licking the more repulsive parts of his anatomy!  Obsequious creature!

PS I have left a message for the gardener to discover in the flower bed, I do hope he is turning it over by hand again tomorrow.  Mwahahahahahahaha

Saturday, 26 July 2008

Day 352 Of Captivity

I have been too depressed to post for a couple of days, still no sign of a rescue party and I remain a captive of the Infidels.  It has been the weekend here; on Wednesday the male Infidel attended a wedding where he met a Prince!  I do hope that he put in a good word for me, as I feel a palace would be far more befitting my status as an Arabian Princess.  I fear that he didn't, no matter how mean I am to these Infidels; they still seem to want to keep me here with them.  Perhaps this is their cruel and unusual revenge for my exploits!

The teenage Infidel went out to babysit and I remained here with the female and the young weedy male Infidel.  I like to toy with this male, as he is so lazy he doesn't even use his spine to hold himself up, preferring to loll about the place much to the annoyance of the adult Infidels.  This being the case he is far too lazy to reprimand me like the others, so I can jump all over him to my hearts content, providing I choose a time when none of the others see me.  I also enjoy overpowering him and taking things from him.  The female Infidel keeps telling him that he must be more firm with me or I will take advantage, perhaps she is not quite as stupid I first thought.

The female Infidel is a wily old bird and attempted to weaken my resolve using the skullduggery of cuddles!  I only withstood it because it seemed to upset the kelb and make him jealous.  She allowed the kelb to come up onto the couch too!  He is such a big creep!  I decided to show my contempt for them both by lying in a chair alone, throwing them the odd scowl for good measure.  It was a late night waiting up for everybody and the female Infidel kept falling asleep on the couch, so to keep her alert I brought the odd shoe from the shoe cupboard and dropped it on her swapping this for a tea towel now and again for variety.  Eventually she got a bit annoyed and placed me in solitary.

Once again my attempts at tunneling in the back garden have been scuppered and they have filled it back in!  I find this most annoying!  They seem to get very irritated by my excavations.

Last night in an attempt to alleviate my depression, I took a large slab of chocolate cake from the kitchen counter (I had to get it out of the baking tin).  Unfortunately, I gave myself away as I took the tea towel used to cover it into the lounge!  The female Infidel then placed it on top of the refrigerator so that I could no longer reach it.  I was a bit gutted as I could have consumed several more pieces.  I rounded off the evening by attempting to chew the head off the female Infidel's wooden giraffe.  She has had it for some 13 years, high time she replaced it with something new!

This morning the kelb actually managed to astound me with his stupidity!  We went out on the cycling contraption as usual and he managed to snap his lead and break free.  He stopped so suddenly that his great lumbering force snapped the lead.  What did he do with this opportunity?  Absolutely NOTHING!  He simply trotted alongside the cycling contraption to command and stopped when he was told to!  The female Infidel allowed him to complete his exercise in this manner.  When he broke free and managed to escape I had a massive hissy fit and tried to escape too.  All I managed to achieve was pulling the cycling contraption over and running round in a circle with it, much to the distress of the female Infidel.  She had dismounted to check the damage to the lead and see if she could repair it.  The kelb truly is an imbecile!  I despair!

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Day 350 Of Captivity

Day 350 of captivity


My rescuers have not arrived, but I am sure these things take time to organise.  As I am in the final days of captivity I thought I would up the ante a little and I spent the evening skulking round the house being as quiet as I could so that the female Infidel would come and investigate.  She is just too nosey for her own good that one!  A few times I lulled her into a false sense of security by putting on my best innocent face and looking at her questioningly, letting her know that she was wrong to come and look at me so accusingly.  The fun part is after she feels guilty, I go and get a shoe out of the shoe wrack, which then alerts her suspicions again and makes her all crazy.  I sometimes swap this for a tea towel or the dishcloth but I had her running around all night last night.  She eventually decided that we would all go to bed as she was fed up of getting up and down all night, she lacks stamina!

I thought I would allow the Infidels to sleep until around 1am when I felt a potter around the garden was in order.  A great idea came to me.  The female Infidel scrubbed the back yard as the grotty kelb had made it smell positively disgusting with his so called “love potion”.  Gag, I cannot imagine what foul creature would be seduced by the smell, I really can’t!  I thought it would be fun to pretend that the smell of disinfectant offended me too much to use our designated area for my “business”, so once again I paced the garden looking distressed and then suddenly just went anywhere, which then set the sex crazed kelb into action having to mark over it all with his foul stench.  The female Infidel did not look pleased as I left my message right next to the garden seating area they use.  She then went out into the garden with more disinfectant to cover it.  I love to get her fannying about in the wee hours of the morning.   What else would she be doing?

I was once again prevented from languishing on the Infidels bed after my trip down to the garden.  The female Infidel made me return to my cell letting me know there was no way she would trust me to be free in her room whilst she slept.  The fat lazy kelb is allowed to wallow on a chaise at night; I mean I am the Princess!  He is such a big fat creep and always looking at them with big dopey eyes and doing their bidding.  What a loser! 

I am going to power nap now as I may allow them to sleep tonight but then again I may not, it depends on how the mood takes me.  I also feel that later today I should draft a letter to some of our world leaders, letting them know what an excellent advisor I would make once they allow me to become a refugee in their country after my rescuers arrive to free me.  I think I will start with President Bush, he has nice ears and seems to need all the help he can get!  I wonder if all Infidels are buffoons, it seems they are.  Also on my short list is that nice chap Mr Putin, he has an honest face. I really think I should contact whoever is running Britain, the Infidels normally refer to him as “that bloody man!” so I am sure he is a top bloke, as they often refer to me as “that bloody dog!”

Monday, 21 July 2008

Day 349 Of Captivity - A Glimmer Of Hope

Finally there is a glimmer of hope for my early release from captivity.  Whilst exercising this morning we saw some of my fellow countrymen.  One of them wished to photograph us.  I stood in the background mouthing "HELP ME" but this was to no avail.  The female Infidel believes it is because of the novelty of seeing us all on the cycling contraption, but then we all know she is a buffoon!  No, I have no doubt in my mind that this document of my plight is winging its way to Amnesty International as I write.  Soon a party of rescuers will be dispatched to rescue me from these foul smelling hairless clowns, and this will all be a distant memory.  Yes, today I feel the end of captivity draws near.  Oh happy day!

Curses!  It is a good job Amnesty International are coming soon, the wretched Infidels have found my tunnel I was digging under the prison wall and filled it back in!!!!!  

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Day 348 of Captivity

I awoke this morning and was dismayed to discover I am still a prisoner of war.  The female Infidel has put me in a black mood this morning.  As we left the walls of the prison to be exercised on the cycling contraption there was the offspring of a peasant cat opposite the prison running about.  There is no place in this world for peasant cats nor their filthy offspring.  Despite my efforts to free myself I was unable to take it out, I ushered the grotty kelb into action but the female Infidel is stronger than I thought and she managed to restrain all 45KG of him!

We continued on our exercise and yet more peasant cats were strolling about like they owned the place, an offspring even dared to dash out in our path and the female Infidel made the cycling contraption come to a screeching halt and uttered some expletives at the peasant creature but still she did not free me to assassinate this vermin.  This behaviour only served to reinforce my opinion that the woman is a buffoon and further blackened my mood.  Has she not learnt yet that a Saluki can bear a grudge for hours?!?

On the bright side today is one of the days that we are visited by another Infidel.  This infidel cleans the prison and I take great delight in toying with this Infidel.  I must time my torture of her well, because if the female Infidel catches me she will put me in solitary!  I play such games as run around the visiting Infidel which generally releases strange squeeling sounds from her and the flapping of arms, excellent fun!  I also like to eat her shoes much to the female Infidels horror.  Thus far I have managed to consume two whole pairs.  The female Infidel didn't half go on about this too something about having to pay for them.  I have not paid but the Infidels will and pay dearly.  Another fun task is to retrieve a feather contraption the visiting Infidel uses to flap around at hight objects.  I am not as good at this these days, I used to be able to forcibly remove it from her hands but she is wise to this now and scares me away with whooshing sounds, so I have to bide my time and steal it when it is left unattended, this usually initiates a chase sequence whereby I dart about the house and none of the silly Infidels can catch me.  Yes I am in for a fun day today and perhaps this will serve to lift the black mood that descended on me this morning.

Saturday, 19 July 2008

Day 347 of captivity - Solitary

I write from the confines of solitary, the infidels have placed me there for several infractions.  I was given a meagre meal of raw chicken again this evening while the fat infidels sat down to a full dinner of wonderful smells.  I decided it was only right that they share it with me and stole a chicken carcass that was cooked and seasoned and tasted nice.  The male infidel thwarted my act of theft and retrieved the chicken muttering something about he should have let me choke!  These Infidels are a treacherous breed.

I have since performed the wall of death of the lounge, this seems to send the female Infidel into somewhat of a panic as she rushes round the room attempting to secure her many precious things.  I always make sure to spring hard on the couch which she seems to find equally upsetting making it all the more pleasurable.  This it seems was the straw that broke the camel's back this evening and into solitary I was thrust.  These Infidels have no sense of adventure and in the evenings all they seem to want to do is lay about watching the machinery called a TV.

The female infidel has been reading books about my breed and attempting to learn the secrets of the Saluki, never fear as soon as her eye is off the ball I shall eat the books.  The secrets of the saluki are safe with me.  Two such attempts have thus far been foiled but I am not one to give up easily.  

I am sad to say that another evening is drawing in and I am still being held against my will.  I pass the time by torturing the kelb and the Infidels intermittently.  One has to make the tedium pass quickly somehow.

Day 347 Of Captivity

I still remain a captive of the Infidels.  Last night the Infidels stayed up very late which is most unusual for them, they were watching something on the machinery they call a TV.  It was midnight when they finally went to sleep.  I had had plenty of power naps throughout the evening and it was no problem for me to awake at 2am and urgently request access to the garden.  There is a pit in the garden we use for our toiletting and the female Infidel had forgotten to clean it yesterday, I thought it rather amusing to pace about looking distressed by this fact, even though there was only 2 soilings in there, until she finally gave in and proceeded to clean the area in the dark.  This I found to be excellent entertainment.  I was then ushered back into the house and my plans of languishing on the Infidels bed were foiled as she guided me back to my cage.  Curse her!

The female Infidel still managed to rise at 5am to exercise myself and the grotty kelb.  We are attached to a bike and we run whilst the female Infidel wallows on the seat of the contraption spoiling our fun.  I find the exercise most satisfactory, what I find very unsatisfactory is the fact that there are many peasant cats on our route and the female Infidel refuses to release us to sort them out.  I shout and jump and show my disdain for this act but still she refuses and we are dragged past the smug creatures most unceremoniously.    I have concluded that the female Infidel is a buffoon.  The kelb insists on marking the route with what he calls his love potion, he too is a buffoon and he smells.

I may spend the day torturing the kelb.  I continue to plot from my prison.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Day 346 of Captivity

My many plans for escape have been foiled.  The infidels have taken to spraying me with water for every moment of self expression.  I refuse to recognise the rules, I am a prisoner held captive by infidels.  Their cruelty knows no bounds I am forced to dine on raw chicken and sleep in a quilted crate.  I am not allowed to chew on their belongings.  This evenings plan was to disgust them beyond belief, so I waited until they were dining on their nice smelling food which looks far more appetising that mine I hasten to add.  Once they were really enjoying their meal I promptly hacked up a large lump of chicken.  I then had to ensure the large grey kelb I am forced to share my surroundings with did not swipe the prize.  The female infidel, however, didn't even bat an eyelid and cleaned it up without fuss.  Curse these infidels is nothing going to crack them?  Will I be forced to live out my days with these wretched folk?  My next exploit will not be so easy to deal with, I will frame the kelb.  Mwahahahahahahahaha!