Friday, 29 August 2008

Day 384 of Captivity

This week the infidels announced that they were holding a dinner party, I awaited my invitation with glee knowing that they could not fail to invite such an important and prestigious guest as myself, a pure bred Arabian princess, only to discover it was for buffoons only with the exception of my fellow Arab neighbours.  

Last night the Infidels hosted the dinner party.  The neighbours from across the street were on the guest list but the Infidels have got wise to my plans of speaking to them, so they kept me away from them by placing me in solitary for the evening and my chances of engaging in witty repartee and human rights abuses within the prison were dashed.  This solitary confinement may also have something to do with the fact that over the duration of the day they were very busy and somewhat fraught and in order to return their focus on ME, where it clearly belongs, I ate a dish cloth, shredded a sponge, stole and chewed 3 napkin rings and the napkins therein.  I also chased the visiting Infidel around the house a couple of times.  The fat kelb drove me insane pacing incessantly around the house looking gormless.

The infidels and their guests sat down and quaffed a huge feast of tagines and rice, sweets and soup and I was given a manky bone to chew on in the afternoon and 2 dates from one of the guests, a fellow Arab, who took pity on my emaciated form and could clearly see I was starving and ill treated having to contend with living with these irksome Infidels.  My shrill cries for help were ignored all evening as was my rendition of various Bedouin folk songs in my efforts to entertain and be part of this event.

I have taken my revenge today by defecating on the doorstep just outside the back door, much to the irritation of the male infidel.  The kelb has shunned me all day despite my attempts to engage him in a spot of Arabic wrestling.  I remain a prisoner of buffoons.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Day 380 of Captivity

I have discovered that the neighbours across the street from the prison speak Arabic!  A couple of days ago I went into the bedroom upstairs so that I would have a better view of their abode.  Every time one of them moved about in their house I screamed at the top of my voice "help me, HELP ME!".  I felt sure that they would hear me and see my predicament.  However, the fat sweaty kelb came in when I was screaming and shouted over the top of my voice with his bellowings, singing like a canary and alerting the buffoon Infidels to my escape attempt.  So once again all the neighbours could hear were the rantings of the local lunatic kelb!  He needs to be on medication.  The curtains were closed and I could make no further pleas for help from my potential saviours.

Needless to say I am still a captive of the filthy infidels.  I have not given up on the neighbours, I just need to find a way to silence the kelb!  He is such a big fat snitch!

Friday, 22 August 2008

Day 377 of Captivity

There is no end to the lengths these Infidels will go to, to torture me!  Not only are they continuously putting their foul breathed faces near my head and kissing me (Gag!  The indignity!), patting me and patronising me with comments like "Aren't you a pretty girl??"  Of course I am beautiful!  I am a princess!  They insist on grooming my coat as well to make me look like I belong in this Infidel society, as their prisoner.  The female Infidel spent some time this afternoon smoothing down my unruly coat and I am now having to spend my energy trying to cultivate the unkempt look again!  Perhaps there will be something nasty in the garden I can roll in to undo her labour and return myself once more to the free spirit that I truly am.  Next time she leaves the drawer of dog equipment open, I am going to eat the grooming tools!  

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Day 376 Of Captivity

 Not only do these Infidels feed me the most disgusting gruel of raw chicken but now they have cut my portions down, because the female Infidel thinks that my posterior is becoming bulky.  Smacks somewhat of the pot calling the kettle don't you think!  After my meagre rations this morning I was still feeling famished, so I dined on her knee brace.  Maybe she will realise that I am starving here!

Last night when the Infidels were carrying out their various evening ablutions before retiring I managed to secure the prime spot on the Infidels bed.  The male was none too happy about this and when he attempted to remove me to my cell I hung like a sack of potatoes, during the ensuing wrestling I managed to place my foot in his mouth, more than once, which I had made sure was coated in the kelb's foul urine while I was in the garden before being forced to retire for the night.  

I note from the newspapers with dismay Saudi Arabia has not fielded a Ladies team, I am ready to pick up the baton.  I thought they would have as my sisters all look quite muscular underneath their abayas and appear to give the men a good hiding at the slightest provocation.  Mind you if I was dressed from head to foot in black in these temperatures my mood would be somewhat crabby too!  Although the colour is very slimming.  I could probably outrun any number of the fat infidels taking part in these events with very little effort.  Even the Kelb would be good, if there were an event for sniffing posteriors, licking one's foul anatomy or standing still looking gormless, he would win gold every time!

Anyway I must go and continue my preparations for Ramadan which include singing the Athan 24 hours a day.  The infidels will just love it!

Monday, 18 August 2008

Day 373 Of Captivity

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits, a Jihad on them all and their sweaty kelb!  Following our exercise on the cycling contraption this morning the female Infidel decided to return to bed because she felt unwell (yawn)  I just think she is a lazy bint.  The big fat creepy kelb was languishing on the bed next to her and when I attempted to torment him by chewing his ears, I was placed in my cell!  I made sure that they didn't get very much sleep by singing my version of the Athan from my solitary confinement.  Every time the female Infidel told me to shut up, I sang louder and shriller grating on her eardrums, until she eventually released me and gave up on the idea of sleep.

I was not satisfied with my exercise today even though it was as much as we usually get, that and being caged has irritated me.  To show my displeasure I have spent the day careering around the house at top speed bouncing off various pieces of furniture and leaving skid marks in all of the carpets, that is until the female Infidel became so incensed she threatened to rip my ears off and placed me in solitary to apparently calm down and settle.  It was a good opportunity to plot my next move.

Once I was released from solitary for a second time today I sulked for a time on the landing to give the impression their feeble punishment had been a success.  Once they were satisfied that I had learnt my lesson I meandered into the lounge and chewed the camel saddle for a while.  I was sprayed in the head with water for this infraction so I moved on to chew the sofa cushion, until I gave myself away by being a little over zealous and making a noise!  I received a telling off from the irksome female Infidel.  I am now posting a vigil at the prison window hoping that someone will spot my despondent face and save me from this wretched prison.  I keep shouting to passers by, but they just accelerate up the street looking startled!  Cretins!  It is probably the kelb's fault, because he has joined in a few times and he has a big mouth and just sounds clinically insane!  I have told him this but am simply met by a blank stare.  I wonder if his ears are broken??  Hmmmm maybe I should chew them a little less.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Day 372 Of Captivity

Groan I am still a captive!  We had an eventful week last week.  A video was made of us exercising but after last time I don't hold out much hope of anything coming of it!  Amnesty International is clearly populated with Infidels and they are all in it together.  I still await their arrival with baited breath!

The kelb managed to wangle a trip to the centre of town but you have all guessed it, he returned with the infidels.  He was none too pleased as he had had a needle stuck in his posterior and was no fun all day as he just wanted to sleep.  I protested quite vigorously at not being taken along on this trip, although I am pleased that I did not have a needle stuck anywhere in me!  These Infidels are degenerates!

Whilst the visiting Infidel was here at the weekend, she opened the front door not long after the Infidels had left the house.  The kelb always snivels when they leave and he decided to jump over the visiting Infidel and go after them.  He is such a moron though he made it into the light of day and to freedom and then came back in the house again!  I tell you if you get close enough to his head you can hear the air whistling through, he is like a living conch!

so another day in this dull Infidel world for me!  

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Day 365 of Captivity

It is very tiring being this evil. The infidels have taken a weeks holiday and I am taking the opportunity to power nap as much as possible in order that I may continue to annoy them on a greater level once the household returns to normal. I have had some serious naps!

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Day 362 Of Captivity

I was gaily singing along to the Imam calling to prayers at 4am this morning in my best singing voice, but the Infidels did not appear to appreciate my musical talent.  They awoke in the foulest of tempers!  The black mood continued when the female Infidel took us for a run on the cycling contraption this morning.  The filthy kelb decided to evacuate his bowels on route and while the female was cleaning up the foul mess, I started leaping about excitedly as I had seen a peasant cat and wished for her to release me to assassinate it.  With all my activity I almost made her fall in the kelbs leavings which did not seem to make her very happy.  She muttered some unrepeatable words for the rest of the exercise and seemed to be in a very bad mood when we returned to the prison!  

I am not very pleased this morning either, because the female Infidel has stripped all my bedding and is putting it in the machine that she thinks makes it smell nice!  I can see that I will have to do something about that as I prefer my bedding to have a more Saluki aroma to it.  A bit of oud sprayed in my cell would go down a treat but no I have to have Infidel smells from their machine instead.

I have spent the morning chewing on a rug on the landing as no one is paying me any attention.  I even left a bit of the wool on the corner of my mouth so that they would know.  Yes that got their attention.  I am now in solitary just for a change.  Bugger!

Monday, 4 August 2008

Day 360 Of Captivity

When will these fatuous Infidels learn that I wish to dine on Lamb Kabsah and dates and not their disgusting unseasoned raw chicken or lambs offal that they keep serving up.  I am not meant for this!  Why do they think that I want to dine al fresco?  I should be fanned and hand served and certainly should not have to share my eating space with a fat drooling kelb.  I only consume the chicken to annoy him, as he is constantly poised ready to scoff anything that I do not eat.  To show my disdain for their measly offerings I hacked up a large chicken leg on their carpet this evening and to my absolute horror the drooling minion ate it!  Are there no levels that he will not stoop to?  He eats things that would make a billy goat puke!

Perhaps this show of defiance will let them know I am not happy with their so called food.  I do like to do this now and again to drive the message home that I do not care for raw chicken and would have much preferred to consume the chicken tagine that the fat Infidels quaffed. 

I was engaging in some good humoured banter with one of the gardeners through the prison windows this morning when the male infidel threatened through gritted teeth to slap the fur out of me if I uttered another sound!  He apparently was engaged in some feeble minded activity on the computer thing that I am not allowed to touch.  I may wee on it tomorrow  to let him know I am not impressed.  After dragging a few papers out of the office and getting sprayed with water, I went into my cell and sulked all afternoon, not that anyone noticed.  

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Day 358 Of Captivity

I don't believe it!  The Muttawa have passed a law that there will be no pet dogs or cats in Riyadh.  Peasant cats I can understand, as they are disgusting and have no place on Allah's clean Earth.  Dogs!  Surely they mean kelbs and not the chosen ones!  And what is this word pet?  Surely they mean fellow inmates.  Captives of the cruel Infidel society.   

Their cruelty knows no bounds they have only fed me twice today.  When I helped myself to a wad of lasagne sheets someone had casually discarded in the kitchen, I was brutally wrestled to the ground and my food was confiscated, I was then subjected to solitary!  All the while the vacant kelb sat grinning inanely and drooling outside my cell.   He really is disgusting!  Gag!

Perhaps this new law is an opportunity for escape and to be finally reunited with my Bedouin brothers and sisters.  Apparently, the "pets" in question are to be confiscated if caught, now all I have to do is convince the female buffoon to exercise me in the middle of town.