Saturday, 25 October 2008

Day 442 of Captivity

Oh what glee!  The male infidel and his hairy offspring have returned from their holiday bringing with them suitcases full of new and interesting items for me to chew.  I have my eye on a set of wooden elephants, the chewing opportunity is just too good to pass up.  Thus far I have not been able to get near them without the female infidel flailing her arms about and shrieking at me like a demented banshee that I will be taken to the desert!  Does she not realise this is what I have been waiting for all these long dark months.  It seems all that it would take is to chew those elephants.  I am, however concerned that my trip to the desert is also mentioned in the same sentence as shovels and deep cavernous holes.

Yawn!  The Infidels are very pleased with themselves, they spent the weekend installing wooden bars at the windows and ever since I have not been permitted to even get so much as my nose near the windows without the onset of bouts of rage and mass hysteria!  I am very peeved!  They don't seem to comprehend that they require my skills as a sentry to keep away any peasant cats and other subordinate creatures that pass by the windows without permission.  There is also the issue of those grubby men that turn up three times a week and steal our garbage!

To top it all off a new lounge suite was delivered this morning and it appears that all gymnastic activities and walls of death have been suspended indefinitely.  My infidel hell just became the most tedious place on earth.  My only source of entertainment has been that the moronic kelb has not been able to decide whether he is allowed to lie on the new furniture or not and the infidels don't seem to be letting on either.  I am currently scoffing at him from the sofa as he lays drooling on the floor.  Most amusing!

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Day 427 of Captivity

The female infidel seemed to become slightly enraged this morning when I ran away with the shower curtain, complete with pole, during her shower.  I managed to hit her on the head with the pole as I made my escape, perhaps it will knock some sense into her!  She was covered in soap and shampoo and screeching at me, she looked like an abomination, the sight was quite abhorrent and I soon began to regret this maneuver.  She really ought to have grasped the fact that I become very bored when left alone for even a few moments!  This week I have managed to gnaw on her mobile phone, shred a box of tissues and steal the shower curtain all during shower time, does anyone else see a theme here?  Yes the female infidel truly is a dullard!

Oh well a little amusement to start off another dull day in the tedious world of the proles.  I still remain a captive of the infidels after all these long months and I despair of there ever being a rescue party.  One has to amuse oneself somehow during these dark days!

Monday, 6 October 2008

Day 422 of Captivity

I have had such fun for the last few days, all at the female infidels expense of course.  She and her friend have started making Christmas decorations!  Every infidel knows full well that Christmas is Haram!  She spent ages sticking little trees onto a skirt that is to go round her tree, and I managed to get hold of it the other day and bite a few off.  She was not at all amused, as it had taken the best part of an afternoon to put them there.  She bellowed at me when she caught me, she really must learn not to leave things lying about even if it for just a few seconds, I am a fast worker.

Last night was not so much fun, I seem to be experiencing another hormone surge and the kelb was like a dog possessed.  He seemed to be of the opinion that I was his prison bitch yesterday, the mere thought sends a shiver down my spine and makes me feel sick to the stomach.  Not even if he were the last kelb alive would I sully myself so!  Luckily the female infidel removed him and made him lie down away from me, it didn't stop his attempts on my person, it was as if he were bewitched.  I can understand his attraction to me, I am rather alluring, but he is a minion.  GAK!  

The dust seems to have settled this morning and he has only had a quick sniff as the female told him at once to leave me.  I just know that if it continues I will have to be taken to see the vet and be impaled again with a needle to stop the hormones.  What a wretched existence.  A fatwa on the lustful kelb!  Loathsome creature.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Day 418 of Captivity

The visiting infidel is here again today.  She has vexed me considerably this morning.  I was enjoying a morning slumber, when I was rudely awoken by the visiting infidel hoovering the couch on which I was taking my nap!  Such insolence!  This injustice prompted me to consume yet another of her shoes, to let her know that I was scandalised by her impudence!  Needless to say the female Infidel was outraged by my act of revenge and I, the injured party, was sent to solitary with a severe reprimand.  Hardly just!

I let the female infidel know that I am brooding by letting out very long and dramatic sighs.  She will pay for this injustice later, I will wait until she is tired and then antagonise her.  I have many weapons in my arsenal that I can bombard her with.