Saturday, 15 November 2008

Day 463 of Captivity

I was just alerting the female Infidel to the fact that she had shut me out of the bedroom this morning, when she thrust the door open and ambushed me.  I was unceremoniously plunged into the bath and scrubbed clean, in tea tree and oat shampoo!  Since when has a Royal Saluki aspired to smell of tea tree!  Curses!  

The torture then continued as she cleaned my ears.  I was rather vexed by this dastardly act.  To pay her back for this treachery I did the wall of death of the lounge, bouncing hard on the new precious furniture.  This sent the female Infidel into an apoplectic fury, which resulted in me once again being thrust into solitary in a most undignified fashion.  In  the hopes of giving her a heart attack or making her actually implode I then vomited on the carpet the instant I was released.  I have spent the afternoon on the sofa with a look of smug glee on my face.  

The only saving grace to this entire sorry episode  was that the sweaty kelb was also tortured.  He smells less like a decomposing badger, and one can be in his presence without feeling the urge to gag violently.  Although, he still has the breath from Satan's buttocks!  The horror.....The horror!

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Day 452 of Captivity

I knew that the Infidels were complete and utter simpletons, but I am now convinced that they don't have an ounce of sense!  The world has been coming to an end and they have sat around drinking tea as if nothing were happening.  There have been flashes of light in the sky, loud bangs and rumblings and the sky has been collapsing since yesterday, water has been gushing from the heavens.  I am doomed to die as an infidel captive!  Is there no end to the humiliation I must endure!  I have been hiding in my crate and the kelb has taken refuge under the dining table.  Death amongst these godless rogues must surely mean that I will not get into heaven, instead I will end my days surrounded by their pling pling gods and joss sticks.  Help me!

Monday, 3 November 2008

Day 451 of Captivity

This morning after our exercise on the cycling contraption the female infidel let me out into the garden.  She was not as vigilant as she usually is and I managed to consume some umbrella grass.  Once I was discovered I was ushered back into the house and the female infidel had a face like thunder.  We went back to bed for a while as we had got up very early to exercise, I managed to secure a spot on the bed this morning and was enjoying languishing, scoffing at the kelb on his bed.

I waited until the female Infidel had drifted off and then I jumped off the bed and began to pace the bedroom looking for a suitable bit of carpet to deposit the regurgitated umbrella grass.  I must have been a bit over zealous, as the noise I was making alerted the female infidel. I must say, she has to be applauded for the speed in which she thrust me into the en suite throwing bath mats left, right and centre as she went.  I had no other choice but to deposit the vomit onto the tiled floor of the bathroom.  Not quite the victorious technicolour yawn I envisaged for her carpets and the ensuing hysteria that it would have incited.  

I felt slightly triumphant as the female, whilst swearing under her breath, wretched at having to clean up the slimy mess from the tiles, flapping her arms at the disgusting kelb who has been known to dine on my vomit on more than one occasion!  That beast would eat things that would make a billy goat gag!

Needless to say my languishing was over and it was back to the cell for me.  Still I took solace in the fact I had clearly upset the female infidel at an early hour of the day; a minor victory but I will take it.

I have been annoying her this morning by standing at the window on the precious new furniture, and every time she gets off her seat to remove me I jump down, only to jump back up when she returns to her seat at the computer book thing she spends her time "working" on.  She took this for a time and then sent me to my crate, as she is clearly too lazy to keep getting up and down!  

The tedium continues!