Saturday, 27 December 2008

Day 505 of Captivity

Well I'll be damned, this heathen  festival of Christmas has not been so bad after all, in that it has provided many opportunities for food thievery and skullduggery.  The Female Infidel does seem to have placed me under a close supervision order these past few days which I find rather exasperating!  I was just unwrapping my second quality street chocolate this afternoon, that I had looted while she was otherwise engaged; but unfortunately she returned to the room and caught me in the act.  I made her chase me round the furniture to retrieve it, leaving her a gasping heap on the couch as I sprang gracefully round the coffee table.  She is about as agile as a wounded rhino!

This festival seems to be a time for leaving plates piled high with copious amounts of wonderful smelling food just lying about the place to be pilfered.  The boring fat kelb never takes anything, even when it is right there asking to be liberated.  He almost caved at lunch time when it came to the cheese board, flapping his tongue about in the distance!  How vapid of him, he is a large dog and could easily overpower any of the infidels and just take it, but he is too busy being a big fat creep.  He sits and gives them a paw for goodness sake.  The Infidels seem to absolutely lap this up and give him the odd titbit here and there.  I would never descend to such degradation!  

I have managed to purloin the odd mince pie and chocolate here and there.  Christmas morning was marvelous, apart from a appalling beginning to the day whereby the female served me up with a plate of turkey giblets!  She was so pleased with this abysmal offering it was really quite tragic.  Of course the kelb devoured the lot with glee.  He really is an abomination!

The day did pick up, however, when  I "assisted" the hairy infidel and his weedy sibling in opening their gifts by dashing past them and ripping great lumps of paper off for them, which I then did a lap of victory of the coffee table with.  I had a blast.  It did seem to irk the adolescents, so somewhat of a bonus!  

The drawback to the day was that I was put into solitary once it was time to serve up the mouth watering meal that they all quaffed.  The miserable Infidels got irritated because I was circling the dining table like a shark.  It smelled so good, much better than the abhorrent gruel that was bestowed upon me this morning.  They must have been consumed with guilt for their cruelty, because after they had eaten I was given a lovely big bowl of cooked turkey, which I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed.  Now what I would like to know is, why can't they feed me like that everyday!

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Day 498 of Captivity

This year I have mostly been eating:

1 camel saddle
7 pairs of shoes
1 mobile phone
2 pairs of spectacles
3 of the legs from a wooden elephant
2 TV remotes
2 kitchen chairs
A trashy novel
pot pourri
A brightly coloured pen (managed to get the ink on the carpet with that one)
An Umbrella plant
Several yards of tinsel
A blanket
All of the sweaty kelbs toys (he should not be so pitiful and run round with cuddly toys)
Cushion covers
Tassels from cushions
The curtains on the landing
The tie backs on the landing
The rug on the landing (bit of a clue here, supervise me on the landing!)
The face off a sock monkey (I was disturbed mid chew and did not manage to fully consume this item)
Several TV guides
Various invertebrates found in the garden
Various dish cloths and sponges (I particularly like the green scrubby variety of sponge if anyone is thinking of a Christmas gift!)
Much counter surfing activity has taken place this year and I have managed to surreptitiously liberate several doughnuts from being scoffed by the infidels ( I am only thinking of their girth)
And a Weim mar rah ah ah ner ( hmm it works to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas)

Yes, all in all it has been a good year for consumables.  May 2009 bring more of the same.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Day 492 of Captivity

As I lay pouting on the couch saddened at not being able to attend Hadj AGAIN, I am spurred on by the thought that at least I annoy the Infidels.  The female Infidel in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up, left a black shoe box lying in the dining room.  I think the thought was if I closed my eyes and ran round it  I would imagine the thrill of mixing with millions of true believers making our way around the Kabbah, instead I ate the shoes and chewed the box.  How lame is she?

She went out this morning to meet with fellow infidels and consume coffee and quaff cakes!  She seems to be attempting to match her own body weight when consuming the cakes.  I myself have found a new game to play with the kelb, it is called "Torture the Kelb with food".  I wait for the imbecile to devour his chicken, all the while skulking round the garden pretending to sniff the flowers.  Once he has finished I very, very slowly savour my chicken, enjoying every mouthful, whilst the drooling buffoon looks on.  I particularly enjoy it when he attempts to help me with my meal and is unceremoniously stuffed in the kitchen to drool through the screen door.  It is hilarious!  One thing though, I almost died slipping in a river of his foul drool, what an embarrassing way to go!  The sheer horror of being found in such a way by fellow peers!

I have actually managed to languish on the infidels bed these past few nights.  I have to be careful to remain still until I hear the dulcet tones of the male infidel sucking in the room with his thunderous snores.  The sound would put a rhino to shame!  The nasal symphony is quite ghastly!  In fact it vexed me so much last night, I was compelled to go into my crate of my own volition.  As soon as the female heard me hit the back of the crate she leapt from her bed and locked me in, muttering something about my having been flapping about like a salmon! Still,  I would rather be a salmon than a trout old bean!

Sunday, 7 December 2008

day 485 of Captivity

Scoff!  The infidels have truly surpassed themselves this time, I really didn't believe they could be any more fatuous, but once again they have proved me wrong.  They have erected a 7ft tree inside the house, yes you heard me right, it is actually INSIDE the house!  It appears to be in celebration of that heathen festival Christmas!  I am rather disappointed that the kelb has not tried to urinate on it even once; which is very out of character for him.  That buffoon will urinate on just about anything, including on occasion ME!!!!

I have made many valiant attempts to sabotage this atrocity that now adorns our living room with its vulgar shiny embellishments and hideous flashing lights.  I have driven the female infidel to the brink of insanity with my efforts, a favourite is to eat the tinsel she really gets upset by this.  I have produced some very festive excreta in the last few weeks, complete with shiny bits of tinsel.  Hang that on your tree infidels!

The female infidel is being all jolly and listening to tiresome tunes by worn out old has beens, such as Cliff Richards.  If I hear Mistletoe and Wine one more time, I swear I will chew off my own ears!  Oh, the monstrous torment these Infidels put me through is inhumane!  

Of course it is Hadj, but instead of going on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I am to be left here surrounded by Christmas trees and bloody Father Christmas!  I must have been truly evil in a former life to deserve the infinite perdition that is to be my daily life.  I am going to wait until no one is looking and shred the Christmas presents, they will not enjoy this heretical affair.  How very dare they!  Allah be praised and deliver me from these infidels.  I pray that the New Year brings opportunities for my emancipation.