Monday, 28 December 2009

Day 865 of Captivity

As if the kelb was not already ghastly enough, the great twit not satisfied with his gruel of chicken, ate a bee today.  He now resembles a canine Mick Jagger and looks positively miserable.  One just cannot believe that any creature could be as dull-witted as him!  The male infidel rushed outside believing he was being killed, as the kelb shrieked like a mob of little girls.  His nose quickly inflated to the canine version of Gerard Depardieu, as I stood in the kitchen doorway scoffing at his lunacy.  All in all a good start to the day.

Bored out of my mind I decided to seek my own entertainment, because any wrestling attempts with the kelb have been thwarted by the irksome infidels.  He has spent much of the day nursing his injured snout and looking wretched.  Even the male infidel has ignored my advances and attempts to engage him in play, as he is allegedly "studying".  This involves him sitting on the couch bent over his laptop whilst watching as many DVDs as he can fit into an afternoon.  What on earth he is studying is anyone's guess!  He is obviously taking a masters degree in second rate movies.  The female infidel did not seem amused when she returned from work this afternoon, stating that she had only gone in this week to allow him the time to study.  I fear if she comes home one more time this week and discovers him in front of a movie, he will spend the rest of his life studying hospital food and nursing a similar nose to that which the kelb is sporting today.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Day 864 of Captivity

Thank goodness another Christmas season is finally over!  I cannot bear another day of festive bilge!  The adolescent infidels seemed most excited by their gift this year.  A bizarre machine that requires them to stand in front of the television pulling the most horrifying faces whilst flapping about with remote controls pretending to bowl or play darts.  I really can't see the fun in it, nor understand why they don't simply go bowling!  I was most amused when the kelb ran in front of the television during a "baseball game" only to be clobbered round his great thick head by the hairy infidel psychotically wielding a remote with his tongue out and looking like he was out without his carer.  I think he was actually quite glad to see the back of the infidels today after that.

The infidels didn't even bother to spend Christmas dinner with the kelb and I, we found ourselves once again stuck in front of the television listening to tedious tweedy people droning on about their "exciting finds".  The Infidels in the meantime went out to visit friends and quaff copious amounts of food, before subsequently falling asleep in front of the television.  I was most unimpressed, as Christmas day is a most prestigious counter surfing event.  I was even more aggrieved when the infidels returned full of cheer and regaling tales of the wonderful food they had consumed without us.  Blighters!

Yesterday presented many counter surfing opportunities.  The infidels invited many of their infidel friends over to the house and the female infidel spent much of the day concocting all kinds of dishes which she then spread out on the dining room table and expected me not to sample!  The dishes were heavily guarded during the day and I only managed to swipe 2 sausage rolls and some toasted bread which had I waited were spread with prawn cocktail!  Every time the doorbell rang I took the opportunity to swipe some contraband off the table.  By the time all the guests arrived I was feeling quite full!  Never one to turn down a challenge, I spent much of the evening consuming prawn cocktail, tuna sarnies and the most sumptuous sausage rolls.  I even overpowered a guest and took her sausage roll, much to the horror of the onlooking infidels.  The female infidel apoligised and told her that I was evil!

Another years frivolities over and another year dawning in captivity. Let us hope that 2010 brings with it freedom!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

day 852 of Captivity

I have been in hiding.  The infidels and their revolting kelb have all come down with pestilence.  I have my suspicions that it is that dreadful disease born of pigs that I keep hearing about.  There is absolutely no way I wish to contract such a grim ailment, so I have been hiding out in my cell.  The infidels have been quite feeble during their affliction and have spent much of the time wallowing about the house sneezing into tissues and whimpering pathetically comparing the severity of their respective illness, whilst hacking and coughing like barking seals.  Apparently man flu is far more deadly than the pitiful strain the female had contracted.  

It really is quite objectionable.  The other day the male infidel was sneezing and wibbling into a tissue; it really was intolerable.  I overpowered him, stole the tissue and shredded it into a thousand pieces.  He was far too pathetic to even protest.  I have spent much of the week shredding tissues, and getting away with it too!  It was so bad I could barely get any sleep, every few seconds the female infidel punctuated the air with a feeble peffle followed by a sigh of agony.  If the male had not slapped her, I would have been forced to dispatch her myself!  
Thank goodness they seem to be making a recovery, as I am not sure I could take another day of it.  

This evening the female infidel was well enough to prepare a very pleasant smelling pie in between the jobs she has martyred herself to.  She left it on the kitchen counter to cool while she waltzed off to teach an English lesson (most amusing, as she can barely speak it herself!).  While she was out I decided to sample her efforts, but my most stealthy plan was thwarted by the ever present and unfortunately stealthier male infidel.  He snatched the pie away and hid it in the microwave.  Sadly I am not dexterous enough to open the door of this diabolical appliance!  It is a good job the female infidel was blissfully unaware that the male was touching her precious, she usually screams like a thrash metal singer  if anyone so much as glances in the direction of her prized white goods!

Needless to say the greedy beasts scoffed the entire pie all to themselves (with chips, I hasten to add).  Obviously they have recovered and I shall cancel my order for my funeral outfit from Harrods!  

Friday, 27 November 2009

Day 838 of Captivity

Eid Mubarak Infidels!  Of course there were no extravagant gifts or sumptuous delights for me; I was served up with the usual old gruel of chicken.  I forced it down.  The fat infidels made themselves a batch of delicious smelling blueberry muffins.  I was not even given so much as a sniff!  I waited until they were otherwise occupied, the female infidel smug in the knowledge they were "out of my reach."  Where there is a will there is a way and I stole one of the muffins to wash the foul taste of their gruel from my mouth.  The female infidel was not too pleased when she discovered my deed and she took the muffin off me and threw it away!  I was outraged!  That is just plain mean!  I was forced to take out my frustration on their Christmas tree, as I sprinted through the living room skidding into it several times over and delighting as it rocked precariously and I almost dislodged the fat fairy from the top, the female infidel screeching like a banshee and waving her arms at me like a crazed conductor on speed.

Yesterday was the infidel festival of Thanksgiving.  The kelb and I found ourselves abandoned at home and forced to watch never ending re-runs of the Antiques Road Show on BBC Entertainment.  Entertainment HA!  I couldn't even remove myself from this torment, as my captors had very thoughtfully pointed my cell at the television!  At least the kelb had the luxury of taking his foul smelling carcass to the upstairs quarters to sleep through the terminal drone of the fat tweedy people on the TV extolling the virtues of what appeared to me to be a collection of useless old pots and other chewables.  Eventually there was rather an amusing program in which a wizened old ginger hag berated a group of idiots, slowly whittling them down until there was only one left, who was named the "strongest link" and awarded a piffling amount of money that the other buffoons had managed to accrue whilst answering simple questions and floundering in the attempt!  I thoroughly enjoyed this program and feel I should become acquainted with the crone, as she seems to share my penchant for torturing fools.  

Eventually my own fools returned full of turkey and goodwill.  They spent the evening reclining on the couch loosening their clothes and attempting to dispatch the kelb and I with their own variant of chemical warfare.   

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Day 833 of Captivity

The infidels recently invested in some new shackles and bonds for the kelb and I.  The female dragged the male infidel off into to town to collect a parcel that she was most excited about.  The male infidel didn't seem to share her enthusiasm, particularly as it involved him driving her down town after a "hard day in the office".  This was snorted at and the male, under protest, drove her down town.  They returned some hours later, having been ejected from the shop to observe prayers, clutching a package.  The female infidel then proceeded to produce a shiny new infidel shackle for my neck.  The only saving grace to the fact I have to endure wearing the infidel bonds of ownership is that these ones are actually very stylish. The kelb has one too, but of course he does not manage to look at all elegant in his, but more like an overdressed transient, all drool, no class and smelling of wee.

The female infidel has gone quite insane; she happened to be passing the recreation centre a couple of days ago and noticed that they have erected their Christmas tree and put up the decorations.  What followed her discovery was a ubiquitous feast of festive festooning, as she took this to be the go ahead to swathe the villa in garish garnishings, whilst listening to pre-pubescent crooners murdering Bing Crosby classics.  It was quite frankly the worst afternoon of my life!  The female Infidel sweating and wheezing at the top of ladders hanging fat santa mobiles from the ceiling and looking very pleased with herself.  None of the other infidels seemed particularly enamoured by her efforts, much to the annoyance of the female infidel.  She seemed determined that they would all embrace her particularly demented version of Christmas, involving decorations that are reminiscent of Liberaci's Wardrobe , in NOVEMBER!

Finally the dust settled and she returned to levels of sweat and sanity normal for her (and a wilderbeast).  Apart from the fact she is now more obsessed with shopping than ever, something I never dreamt possible.  The male infidel looks miserable all the time and seems to spend much of his time looking forlorn whilst fishing money from his wallet and handing it to her, the glistening of a tear in his eye, uttering the words "I'm not Bloody Rockerfella ya know!".  None of which seems to perturb the female infidel on her manic mission to force everyone to have a good time at "Gulag Ibbotson".  On one of her crazed shopping expeditions, I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels.   This was a most excellent opportunity to abscond with and subsequently eat the baby Jesus, from her "special" home-made nativity.  The female infidel was positively beside herself when she returned home to discover the now mangled, spit covered remains of her home-made baby Jesus lying in the half eaten manger.  It has now been replaced with a crude Lego version, grinning inanely out from the patched together manger.  I was going to point out that in the interests of authenticity they would not have had sellotape never mind Lego in those days, but thought better of it and held my council.

The female infidel is now sat in the kitchen sipping hot chocolate and squawking away to endless Christmas carols, whilst manufacturing hideous Christmas cards that she intends to force upon her poor unsuspecting family and friends.  I am sure they will be positively thrilled to hang her infantile glittering efforts in their homes!  When will this madness end?  She is bustling about and making lists for endless amounts of baking she intends to throw herself into.  The masses of sumptuous food piled high on neglected plates is the only thing I enjoy about this pagan festival.  It is a great opportunity to brush up one's counter surfing prowess.  

I had a practice run last weekend.  The infidels invited over some friends for dinner.  Whilst they were all prattling on after quaffing down a lovely dinner of roast beef and yorkshires, having kept me prisoner in my cell only allowing me to get the odd whiff of the delectable meal, I crept into the kitchen upon my release and ate the remainder of the cauliflower cheese and a bowl of french beans.  The female infidel was not amused on making the discovery, as she just knew this would involve numerous trips to the back yard during the night and frantic bum wiping to avoid subsequent carpet skiing (a behaviour the infidels find quite disgusting and harrowing when carried out on their expensive kilims); rich vegetables never agree with me and I think she over did it rather on the garlic front!


Friday, 13 November 2009

Day 824 of Captivity

The infidels spent much of the morning lying in bed the odd groan and escaping of noxious gases  emanating from their direction.  They went out last night to see a live band, how that entails rolling home drunk as lords in the small hours of the morning I will never know!  This clearly was not a band of the classical persuasion, as I head them regaling tales of their crowd surfing activities during the show.  They are such hooligans!  The female infidel looks like death warmed up and is complaining about her self inflicted headache.  I have done a spot of singing this morning and bounced off her head a couple of times in an attempt to get her to snap out of her self pity and wallowing.

I have just been attempting to assist the female infidel with cooking the dinner and doing a pre wash of the dishes.  She is so ungrateful!  When I jumped up at the counter to assist with the cutting of the sausage, she looked aghast and muttered something about being in the room.  The infidels all sat down and quaffed a huge plate of pasta each.  It looked so much more tasty than the ghastly chicken we are served up daily!  Of course they didn't spare us so much as a whiff of their meal.  After dinner my many attempts to pre wash the dishes were unsuccessful, and after the female infidel had pursued me around the dining room table for the fifteenth time, she seemed to lose the will to live.  I am now behind bars no doubt until the cycle has finished on the dishwasher so that the female infidel can remove the dishes from the sink.

They tire so easily, the same thing happened this afternoon when I ran up and down the stairs with the male infidel's work shoes.  He played with me for so long and then decided that the game was rubbish!  I was forced to toy with the nerdy Infidel, I stole a pencil from his computer desk and giggled as he made chase like a pathetic rag-doll whining my name and telling me to stop in THE most feeble voice I have ever heard.  Needless to say I did not feel compelled to stop and I carried on the game until he bored me and his grating voice became too much to bear.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Day 819 of Captivity

I haven't been able to get near the laptop for love nor money.  The female infidel has been sitting over it attempting to look intellectual and failing miserably!  I have no idea what she can be doing that requires her to hog the laptop like she has and I am not very pleased!  Apparently she has become involved in rescue and has had important things to do.  Rescue is just an infidel code word for capturing poor innocent animals and holding them against their will,  I was "rescued"!  

The female infidel wasn't very well last week and was up in the night.  She spent some time locked in the downstairs bathroom crying into the porcelain.  Whilst she was incapacitated, I followed her down and took full opportunity to create havoc by deciding to eat a pencil.  I made sure to chomp it very loudly and tittered to myself as I heard her shrieking that she was going to kill me once she was out of the bathroom.  It was even more hilarious, as she had no idea what I was chewing.  The rage was evident in the shrill bleatings emanating from the bathroom door.  I tired of the pencil and left the shredded remains on the lounge carpet for her to decipher when she had finished being feeble.  I then returned to my repose.  The old crone finally stomped back up the stairs and threw me a piercing look as she entered the bedroom, huffing and chuntering under her breath, still clearly enraged at the loss of a pencil.  Once again the male infidel managed to maintain a narcoleptic state throughout the entire episode, until the female infidel got back into bed and poked him in the ribs and began relating the sorry story to him.  She lost the plot when he lapsed back into unconsciousness mid tale, snoring like an asthmatic rhino.

Last week the female infidel invited the friend she is in cahoots with "rescuing" animals to the house.  She is a Vit, apparently that is New Zealand for Vet.  I ran around the house barking and leaping into the air sporadically, illustrating the female infidel's lack of control over me.  There is nothing better than humiliating an infidel in front of a Vit.  It was even better when they discovered that I had consumed the Vit's Raybans whilst they were all prattling on incessantly.   I left their crumpled remains on the couch for the female infidel to discover when the Vit had to leave.  The female infidel jibbered like a baboon on an electric fence when she discovered my crime.  The comedy way in which they were perched on the Vit's head as she left,  was a fitting testament to my disdain for them all.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Day 803 of Captivity

The male Infidel and the angst ridden adolescents have returned from their vacation, finally  alleviating me from the ennui of being left alone for what seemed like an eternity with only the irksome female for company.  The male returned sporting 3rd degree burns to his legs having been vacuous enough to go to the beach minus the vat of factor 50 sun cream that the  female Infidel packed him off with.  She just hasn't been irritating enough in her scathing comments to the male about his foolishness.  Oh to be as enlightened as she!  He has spent much of the week rolling his eyes at her and keeping his legs away from my karate chopping antics.  I did manage to leap on him in  the night and lie on his crispy limbs for a minute or two, the resultant shrieks would not have shamed a castrato in their pitch and intensity and were only made more satisfying by the fact that he was unable to chase me.  

The males kindly brought back some new souvenirs for  me to distress, I have my eye on a carved Bayon head that seems to have taken up residence on their coffee table.  The look of serene smugness on all of it's four faces just asking to be gnawed.

My recent attempt at a hunger strike failed miserably, upon my discovery that as much as I try I cannot resist chips.  However, I have been keeping the Infidels awake by dry retching in the night, having only my hatred of them as sustenance (and of course a few of the aforementioned chips)!  Of course the male Infidel managed to sustain his powers of narcolepsy throughout the entire episode, much to the annoyance of the shrew.  Yet he is able to hear a tea bag being gently placed into a cup from the concrete tomb in which he slumbers, which is enough to send the female into a blind fury. 

I was forced to discipline the kelb quite harshly earlier this week, when the impudent beast attempted to steal a bit of chicken that I had discarded.  I may not have wanted to consume it but there is no way I would share even a sneer with him.  The spineless cur has not been able to meet my eye since I castigated him.  He is now sporting a chewed ear and a scratched head for his impertinence.  The female was absolutely horrified and we were both given the sharp end of her tongue (which is so sharp you could shave a rhinos bum with it!).

I am currently dropping my kong onto a glass side table in an attempt to either dislodge the hideous painted tile the female brought home from her trip, or send her into a fit of apoplexy at the thought that I might!  It is having the desired effect as I can see the veins in her neck twitching spasmodically.  Job done, I am off to my crate to sing the theme tune to the "Antiques Roadshow" over and over.  Who will crack first I wonder? Dee dee dee dee der der dee Aroooooo!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Day 787 of Captivity

I haven't managed to post much recently, because the fatuous female Infidel broke the laptop last week.  I think you have to be some kind of special to break a Mac, but it seems the female has won her spot on the sunshine coach!  She spent much of last week either swearing at it or threatening it with violence.  It is repaired now, but no thanks to the old crone, she had to call on the help of a techy type, I think they are referred to as geeks.  He seemed most amused at the level of stupidity displayed by the female Infidel, while she prattled on about how the laptop came to be in such a state of disrepair he seemed to be choking down hysterics.  

The female Infidel has spent much of her time tied to the laptop attempting to collect her e mail from 2006!  All the while she has been intolerable.  She hasn't paid me much attention, so I have been forced to fetch pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard and gallop about the lounge with them.  I even resorted to dragging 2 frozen chickens off the kitchen counter last week.  It was to be our meal the following day anyway.  The kelb was horrified I was going to consume both and the impudent creature bowled me out of the way in a most undignified manner.  Of course I wasn't about to let that go unpunished and I berated him, until finally the female Infidel lost the plot.  The shrill harpy sent us to our beds for the evening and continued to swear at her laptop, I am beginning to wonder if she has Tourettes.  Her language would make a Sailor blush!

Once the laptop was working properly again she seemed to calm down.  She claimed to have lost some very important e mail, I find it difficult to believe that anyone would entrust anything important to the old shrew.  She also lost all of her holiday snaps, so thankfully we will be spared the torment of having to view countless photos of the old shrew.  I am still peeved that she ignored me for much of last week, and have continued to fetch shoes from the cupboard and drag blankets off the couch and gnaw on her cushions.  I have also beaten up the kelb, thrown myself into the dining room window every time someone has passed by or I have seen a peasant cat on the street and skulked round looking shifty so that she has to investigate.  All of these things get her very annoyed.  The male Infidels have still not returned from their travels, it is bad enough when they are all here, but the female is the most irksome of the Infidels.

The witch bathed the kelb and I yesterday.  Of course the big fat creep jumped in and out of the bath for her.  I was not about to make it so easy, I clung onto the door frame and pulled the shower curtain down onto her head as she tried to place me into the bath.  She did not seem too amused to be wrapped in it, and when she freed herself she was sweating and gasping like a wounded Rhino.  I think this is why she then proceeded to "Furminate" me after my bath.  This can only be described as a medieval torture tool that is dragged through my coat stripping out any of the dead coat.  The female Infidel just loves this implement of torture, the kelb and I hate it.  As soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to eat it!

The buffoon of a kelb is rolling about the dining room on his back looking like a lunatic.  The female is cooing over him, making him loll about even more grinning like an imbecile.  I would never degrade myself and stoop to such a level.  The female is lucky if I throw her a disparaging look.  Will this torment ever end? 

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Day 779 of Captivity

The female Infidel has gone too far this time!  She has obviously been scheming for some time and she has come up with a plot to sabotage me, one of such cunning I never thought she had it in her.  

She rearranged the furniture in the lounge a couple of days ago.  It has been done in such a way, I can no longer skulk in the dining room undetected, or behind the console table chewing the cables because it has been moved, I cannot climb all over the back of the couches and I am unable to lie in the window shouting and engaging in a spot of banter with the gardeners or the binmen.  In fact it is very difficult for me to look out of the window  in the lounge at all, because the console table is in front of it and I can no longer loaf on the back of the couch whilst I am doing it and am forced to stand looking like a common kelb.  I am outraged!  The old crone doesn't even have to get off the couch to find out what I am up to when skulking round.  The only safe haven left is the kitchen and it is so boring in there, because the old miser hides any contraband in cupboards and fridges.  I suffer enough malaise just residing with these hairless clowns and now any possible entertainment has been shut down.  She has reached a whole new level of cruelty!

The old shrew returned from her vacation with a head cold and a chest infection.  She has been looking feeble for days and taking various medications in an attempt to shift it.  The males were all very unsympathetic when she returned and told her to stay away, as they were due to go away on holiday.  

Yesterday, after feeding us an insipid meal of gruel of chicken, she went in the shower and left the kelb and I in the bedroom lying on our chairs.  She left the door to the en suite open so she could keep her beady eyes on our activity.  I lay on my chair looking the picture of sweetness and light.  I have spent the entire day chuckling to myself.  Happy in the knowledge we were quiet and behaving she showered.  During her shower I vomited my meal of chicken in amongst the scatter cushions on her bed.  She must be deaf as a post with this cold, because she didn't hear a thing.  I lay back in my chair and when she emerged from her shower and got dressed she called us to follow her downstairs, not seeming to care that the bed was ever so slightly disheveled.  

It was just delightful to see the look of sheer horror and revulsion when she discovered my grisly deed later on that evening when we went to bed.  I have never heard such language!  It would put a docker to shame.  She did not seem amused to be scrubbing the wet marks off the mattress late in the evening and we all had to sleep in the weedy Infidel's room while the bed dried out.  It smells of adolescent in there and feet.  

She hasn't moved the furniture back this morning, in fact she seems to be taking even more pleasure out of my dissatisfaction today!  She truly is the epitome of evil!

Friday, 25 September 2009

Day 775 of Captivity

Oh kill me now!  The shadow of bore has returned!  She deigned to bring me some manky toys from her travels, I have subsequently obliterated them to show my disdain for her meagre offerings, it is hardly recompense for her abandonment of her duties.  I also shredded the kelb's just to upset him.  

He has been like a lost sheep all week, moping about pathetically, crestfallen and close to tears.  Since the return of the female Infidel he has been overjoyed and she cannot move without him accompanying her just in case she manages to sneak out again.  He almost breaks his neck to follow her, it is really quite contemptible!  I enjoyed a week of doing as I please without the miserable old shrew on my back all day; the males are far more laid back and seemed to concentrate their efforts on telling the puling kelb to "sod off".  

I managed to sequester a box of Paracetamol earlier, plotting to put them in the crone's tea, but the male Infidel mistook my theft as an attempt at self harm!  He was rightly horrified.  I shall miss the old hippy when he goes off on his travels tomorrow, especially as he is taking the adolescents with him and leaving me with the shrew for three whole weeks!  Hopefully he will bring back an offering befitting my status on his return.  I hear that the jade is very beautiful from that part of the world.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Day 765 of Captivity

Yes!  I am getting rid of the shadow of bore that is the female Infidel for a whole week.  She is heading off for a holiday tomorrow and leaving the kelb and I in the care of the male Infidels.  This is great, because the males are such pushovers and are powerless to resist my fluttering eyelashes and astonishing good looks.  They are not as relentless as the old shrew, although I have to admit the hairy one can be a bit of a tyrant when he is in a hormone induced rage.  I am also so looking forward to the male Infidel attempting to cycle with us; the female is very adept these days, it will be fun to have some new blood to toy with.  I am prepared to wager that by the end of the first day, he will be covered in pooh (having fallen off) and reverting to pedestrian methods of exercising us.

The kelb, however, does not seem to be as overjoyed as me that his beloved patron is leaving him.  He has been pouting on the couch ever since he clapped eyes on her suitcase and he won't even sit with her.  The big twit looks close to tears!  I am too of course, but mine are tears of joy and elation!  I won't have to listen to the rasping tones of her scolding me for some minor infraction or other.  I think it is brilliant and it can't come around fast enough!

She was very selfish when packing her bags to leave and kept everything out of the way.  She would not let me assist her.  I believe that there is some very important documentation in one of her bags, but the miserable bat has put the bag on top of a cupboard well out of my reach.  I was hoping to have a ferret about in this bag, but she is taking no chances.  All I have managed to abscond with is a rather large and tired old pair of pants, I am sure I have saved her much embarrassment by snatching them!   Her wardrobe like her hairstyle could do with being brought into the fifteenth century.  

I am taunting the kelb by singing "Leaving on a jet plane", he will be reduced to a snivelling wreck (well more of a snivelling wreck) before the night is out.  Oh what fun I will have with him, now that his protector is out of the picture for at least a week.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Day 757 of Captivity

The female Infidel did not seem too amused when she emerged from her shower to discover the tattered remains of what was once a bowl of wicker balls strewn about the bedroom carpet and her bed.  The kelb not wanting to be thought guilty of the crime had retreated to his own bed and was looking disgusted with me.  I think that she should thank her lucky stars that she did not emerge to the tattered remains of her mobile, it was just too high for me to reach!

The kelb has been getting on my last nerve today.  He has all the world to lie in, but he insists on parking his fetid carcass right next to me.  I don't even like him, he disgusts me!  I think he is either a cretin of the first degree or a masochist, he doesn't even move when I bite him, a sacrifice on my part as he is truly putrid and tastes of feet.  

The female Infidel has been for a haircut today, as it was starting to resemble a crash helmet.  She returned looking like a tactically shaved orangutan.  I cannot see the point in this exercise, but then I am not a vain person!  I am naturally blessed with good looks and perfect fur which is more than can be said for the miscreants who infest this hell hole.  Not a decent haircut amongst them!  

Friday, 4 September 2009

Day 754 of Captivity

I cannot believe it!  The female Infidel didn't even bother to get any meat out of the freezer for us last night.  Instead we were forced to dine on a paltry meal of tuna and pasta.  I forced it down, only because I was half-starved not having been fed since yesterday!  I cannot believe that she would forget!  The service around here is deplorable!  Even the kelb looked dismayed when he saw her feeble offering, but of course he gulped it down and hoped that he could muscle in on my meal.

Having only been fed a pitiful meal, I was forced to resort to counter surfing for sustenance.  However, anything nice that I might have dined on had been put into a diabolical Infidel invention called Tupperware.  Damn evolution for not giving me opposable digits!  Surely even in the wild these would have been useful for twisting the heads off peasant cats and other vile vermin!  I am now concentrating very hard in the hope that I may manifest thumbs in the night.


Sunday, 30 August 2009

Day 749 of Captivity

Unbelievable!  I was just tucking into my evening repast, when the electrical transformer in the garden went off and scared the living daylights out of me.  I scarpered, and as I was beating a retreat, the gluttonous kelb darted forward and took the male infidel slightly off guard.  He made a grab for my chicken leg, just as the male infidel leapt up and rugby tackled him to the ground.  A scuffle ensued, during which the male infidel got the kelb into a head lock and wrestled the stolen chicken from his vice-like mandibles.  The kelb was not giving up without a fight and he tried to guzzle the chicken leg, he looked like Marty Feldman; all bulging eyes, as the male infidel arose from the scrimmage victoriously holding the chicken leg aloft, keeping the kelb at bay with his leg.

The kelb was then put into the kitchen behind the screen door and he watched forlornly as I savoured every mouthful and enjoyed my reclaimed meal with gusto.  I relished every mouthful and made sure to take my time to eat it.  It is so satisfying seeing the kelb so dejected.  Once I had finished the kelb was released, and he exploded from the kitchen and almost knocked the male infidel flying in his attempts to lick my empty bowl completely clean ensuring every last morsel was gone.  

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Day 744 of Captivity

It has been an eventful week.  The infidels invited a pack of strange heretics over at the weekend.  There were six of them and it was quite stressful, as they were rather rambunctious!  They finally all left and went out together and the kelb and I were left in the care of the adolescent infidels.  Around midnight, we decided to make the adolescents let us out in the back yard.  The kelb went to his favourite bush to urinate.  Unbelievably, there was a peasant cat hiding in there!  The kelb, unaware of the presence of the vile feline, urinated on it, and it was none too pleased.

The peasant cat had the sheer audacity to launch an assault on the kelb!  I could not believe the impudence of the wretched creature.  The kelb was scandalised and became hostile; his hackles raised, he launched the peasant creature into the BBQ.  It made a break for it and ran up the garden wall, but I was not about to let a peasant cat behave so outrageously, even if his insolence was aimed at a common kelb!  I made chase and trapped it in the bushes, but the adolescents had become quite hysterical at this stage.  Realising that spraying water at us was ineffectual they banged some dishes together, which pulled us from our murderous trance!  They used this opportunity to unceremoniously shove us back into the house.  They then called the female infidel who rushed home to see what all the commotion was about.  We were forbidden to go out without her eagle eyes upon us, by that time the half witted cat had made a swift exit and has not been seen on our turf since.  The cats of today are just so ill bred, I could not believe my eyes!  It actually had the nerve to scratch my nose.  If it weren't for those pesky adolescents I would have certainly dispatched the treacherous brute!

I have been quite restless for the last few days.  The female infidel is fretting that I am about to suffer another pseudo season.  I have not gone out of my way to demonstrate otherwise and have used the opportunity to be more unruly than usual.  I have had the female infidel at my beck and call retrieving articles that I have pilfered from around the house.  She invited an infidel round that she did not know too well and was absolutely fuming when I stole the visitor's shoe and did a lap of victory of the lounge.  I didn't get the chance to chew it, as it was snatched from me in a most impolite fashion.  It was amusing to see her squirming and making her apologies to the stranger.  I love to humiliate her!

This morning was hilarious!  I woke in the small hours of the morning and made sure the female was up.  To my good luck she thought her alarm was going off and she was slapping alarm clocks and floundering about in the dark.  I almost burst out laughing when she emerged from the bathroom bleary eyed and dressed!  She stumbled downstairs behind us.  When we got down there she started to get our cycling gear out.  This was too good to ruin by laughing.  I don't know how I managed it, but I allowed her to get me ready to go and the kelb who is a moron anyway just went along with it.  She seemed perplexed when she got to the front door and saw that it was dark but she hooked us up to the bike anyway and off we went.  We did our circuits in complete darkness.  When we got back the female infidel stomped into the lounge and looked at the clock.  That was it, I could contain myself no more!  I laughed so much my ribs hurt.  The dullard had only walked us at 330 AM!  I took a great deal of pleasure in her rage, as she silently fumed on the couch, throwing me the odd glare.  It is a fact that dogs fall into a routine, what a delightful routine to have her up and out at such an unearthly hour!

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Day 735 of Captivity

I took great delight today in letting the female infidel think she had got away without any repercussions from the butter heist of yesterday evening.  I slept through the night and was the picture of sweetness and light.

The infidels decided to pop out this evening for a change of scenery.  When they returned I was hyper and ran around the villa like a whirling dervish.  Conscious of the fact I was in a state of frenzy, the female Infidel made me accompany her upstairs whilst she went in the shower, as there was no one to keep an eye on me while she was gone.  Therein lies her mistake!

I lay in my chair looking calm and mellow, blinking at her inquiringly as he shot me accusing looks.  I waited until she went in the shower to achieve maximum chaos as I put my fiendish plan into operation.  Once the water was running and I was satisfied she was otherwise engaged, I jumped onto the Infidel's bed where the revolting kelb was dozing just to be near their scent (he is such a spineless weasel!)  Once on the bed, I began retching and hacking until I coughed up my dinner.  The kelb seeing a chance for a free hot meal, leapt into action. I was furious, as he was taking all the evidence of my crime, so I leapt at him shrieking as hard as I could and bit his head, guarding the traces that remained and growling at him menacingly.  It was a tense moment, when my plan could have been ruined by the portly kelb.

The female Infidel, hearing the commotion, popped a soapy head around the shower curtain and morphed into a deranged harpy, all soap and screaming like a hellcat.  She leapt from the shower and almost perished as she blindly went sailing across the wet floor, sending her to new levels of dementia.  The kelb and I looked at each other surreptitiously and we both fled in opposite directions as the soaked, soapy crone emerged from the bathroom in a fit of apoplexy.  The bedroom door was thrust open and we were both unceremoniously propelled through it, I saw her foot almost make contact with my retreating hind, as I ran like the clappers down the stairs elbowing the kelb out of the way.  I could still hear the shrill rasping of the female Infidel on the rampage, as I collapsed at the bottom of the stairs in a fit of hysteria.

She has sat scowling on the couch ever since!  I have drifted off to sleep listening to the whirring of the washing machine in the background, punctuated by the female snorting like a buffalo, seething and snarling at all who dared to approach.   Even the kelb has steered clear of his beloved patron.  Infidels have a tendency to sulk for days and days, they are not as forgiving as us Salukis.  

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Day 734 of Captivity

The female infidel deigned to cook tea this afternoon.  While she was occupied I took the opportunity to gnaw at the zip on one of the sofa cushions.  Realising I had been silent for a time, the old hag came to investigate.  She was furious that I had chewed the zip and chased me out of the room, flailing her arms around like a demonic Morris Dancer and bellowing like a cow in labour.  She then started fussing over the cushions.  An opportune moment presented itself for me to meander into the kitchen and consume around 200g of butter that was left carelessly unattended.  The look of horror and the realisation that this oversight on her part, would come back and haunt her later this evening or even better in the early hours of the morning, was just priceless!  I have tummy ache and foresee vomit or a canine poo pancake in her future.  She does not seem happy sitting next to  me on the sofa as my stomach churns away like a washing machine.  I think she too foresees what the future holds for her and is peeved.  

I may just doze until 2am. I have been practicing retching, so I am prepared.  Nothing has the power to move an Infidel quicker than the sound of a gagging hound in the early hours of the morning.  They appear to develop the hearing of a fruit bat.  What will vex her more, will be the male infidel's ability to sleep through the entire episode.  This will have them bickering in the morning!  Which is always a bonus!

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Day 728 of Captivity

The holy month of Ramadan is once more on the horizon.  Sadly, I must spend it in the company of the proles I reside with instead of with my Bedouin kin.  On the up side, the kelb has become more rotund than ever following his castration.  He has been placed on a diet, which presents many opportunities for me to persecute him, as he is not amused.  His rations have been cut by half, and his face was a picture when he was presented with this meagre portion this morning.  I decided to wander about the garden until he had eaten, and then very slowly savoured every mouthful of my food, while he looked on gormless and drooling.  He really is living proof that the male brain resides in the testicles, he is even more vapid than ever since his surgery!  He spent almost 45 minutes licking the ground after we had eaten, in the vain hope of extracting one last morsel from the concrete.  After a time the female infidel curtly called her beloved toady inside, having had enough of his incessant licking of the concrete.  He then had to consume gallons of water, as his mouth must have been dry as a bone!  He really is such a nincompoop!

Continuing my torment of the kelb, I vomited this afternoon, but the female infidel was too quick for me and she managed to sweep me out of the lounge, sparing her carpet.  Even more impressive was the fact that she also swept the kelb along with us preventing him from snacking on my leavings and he was forced to look sadly on from behind the locked screen door, as the female infidel cleaned up the potential meal.  He looked crushed, making the purge worthwhile.

The female infidel seems to be under the impression that she is off on a holiday soon. I am outraged that she would consider jetting off to enjoy herself, leaving me behind! I have made several attempts to sabotage her evil plan, but she seems undaunted by them.  When I chewed her guidebook, she simply went on line to investigate the place she plans on visiting.  I see I shall have to play hardball and eat her laptop or at least chew the cable.  She seems to be becoming impervious to my actions of late, very disconcerting!

A couple of days ago whilst out exercising there were two members of the National Guard by the gate.  We were on foot as the female infidel has damaged the rear tyre of the cycling contraption.  The National Guard beckoned us, but being virtuous, I ignored them, secretly hoping that seeing I was a prisoner of infidels; they were going to snatch me and free me.  Of course the brazen female went over to engage in conversation with these strange men!  I was horrified to discover, it was the kelb they expressed an interest in!  They were rather taken with his intimidating build!  One of them even touched his grotesque frame and no doubt had to spend the remains of the day dousing himself in disinfectant!  My, times are changing; I never thought I would see the day when a fellow countryman would rather touch a putrid kelb!  I am a little perturbed by this encounter, I thought freedom was in my grasp at last!

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Day 720 of Captivity

The nerdy Infidel has obviously been biding his time after I recently accosted him.  I was sound asleep today on the couch after my morning exercise and he thought it would be amusing to come up behind me and clap loudly.  Needless to say I almost suffered a coronary!  Not willing to let the little pipsqueak get away with such a brutal assault on my royal person, I let out a blood-curdling scream.  Thinking I was being killed the female infidel rushed to my aid and the little upstart got a short sharp shrift for behaving like a miscreant.  I smirked smugly at him as he beat a retreat, I could still hear his indignant bleating, as the female infidel berated him further for being argumentative.  How I relished my victory!

It was a short lived triumph, however, when I found myself on the receiving end of the harpee just moments later when the little sneak sang like a canary and told the female infidel that I was distressing the camel stool on the landing.  The infidels just will not be told that it is more authentic if it has Saluki engravings on it.  They are so boorish!

Monday, 27 July 2009

Day 715 of Captivity

The infidels barbarism knows no bounds!  Today I have been feeling rather energetic and spent the morning carrying out vigorous exercises in order to prevent the onset of heart disease.  The female infidel, however, did not seem amused by my acrobatic endeavours, especially as they threatened to dislodge her precious things or tat as I prefer to refer to it.  She was particularly displeased when the kelb joined in, throwing his porcine body around the villa with clear disregard to life or property, however, she too joined in careening about the villa attempting to rescue her tatty belongings from imminent destruction, all to the blood-curdling sound of The Pogues.  Needless to say I ended up in solitary confinement, with her scowling at me from across the room. 

The one highlight to the morning was when the AC repair man showed up.  The kelb, still delirious from our energetic morning, attempted to run off with his cloth and tools.  The poor man was clearly traumatised being faced with such a hideous slathering gargoyle and the kelb received a scruffing for his impudence.  The female infidel blamed me for inciting a riot!  I am scandalised, this further added to the time I had to spend in confinement.

I was finally released, but having endured the tedium of what seemed like an eternity in solitary I still felt psyched.  When the infidels sat down to gorge themselves as is there wont, I thought it a good time to alert them to the fact there were interlopers in the street.  This seemed to tip the female infidel over the edge and she returned me to the confines of my crate stating that she would like to eat one meal this week in peace and quiet.  It was most amusing when she returned to the kitchen and slipped in some of the kelb's drool and almost split in half.  I burst out laughing when she shot across the kitchen, landing hard on her back, winding herself and developing the onset of tourettes.  The kelb beat a hasty retreat.

My goodness, Allah is swift and sure these days!

Friday, 24 July 2009

Day 712 of Captivity

I was so dreadfully ill in the night on Wednesday and woke the female infidel in the early hours.  I think the kelb might have tried to have me dispatched, perhaps it would be prudent of me to employ a  food taster in future.  The neighbour's peasant cat might be a good candidate although I am not sure I trust those princes of darkness with my royal constitution!  I had to wake the female infidel 3 times to tend to me, she was in a black mood, as the male infidel seemingly slept through the entire episode, yet when she asked him whether he would like a cup of tea and some breakfast, he suddenly developed the hearing of a fruit bat.  I thought the female infidel would implode, but she took out her frustration on the crockery.

The female infidel thinks that my bout of illness was down to my greediness!  How VERY dare she!  I am the very epitome of restraint, unlike her toady, he is a walking garbage disposal unit.  I was crushed by her accusations and sulked on the couch all morning.

This morning ravaged with hunger, having only had a light meal yesterday I was forced to stoop to counter surfing in the kitchen.  This resulted in the nerdy infidel being chastised for not completing his chores and he was berated and forced to sort out the dishes.  A small recompense for having my food source whisked away.  The bonus was the nerdy one sulked and was miserable, I always get a degree of gratification out of seeing him suffer.



Monday, 20 July 2009

Day 708 of Captivity

The female infidel was throwing herself about on the running machine this morning.  For a brief moment, I did consider that it might be an enjoyable diversion to jump onto the machine whilst she was wheezing and sweating away like a rasping old hippo.  On further consideration I decided against such action, one miscalculation on my part and I could have been crushed by her gargantuan carcass!  Not quite how I pictured my glorious exit to this world!

This afternoon I dragged out the battered remains of the TV control that was stupidly abandoned in between the cushions of the couch.  I was just about to disassemble it to finally discover what is inside when the female infidel discovered me and put an end to that plan.  I was so miffed, I ate her tour guide of Istanbul with gay abandon, while she went to the lavatory.  Ha!  That will put an end to any plot she might be hatching to swan off and enjoy herself!  Find the Blue Mosque now with half a map, not that they would let you in anyway you stinky infidel!


Saturday, 18 July 2009

Day 706 of Captivity

I soon tired of attempting to entertain the uncultured infidels last evening and decided that a snooze would shut out their monotonous prattle.  I fell asleep on the couch and lapsed into a deep slumber.  The goon of a male infidel struck the fear of Allah into me, when he apparently sneezed and blew away the inhabitants of the neighbouring town!  I sat bolt upright and in my state of panic I was forced to hurl myself at the nerdy infidel who was presumptuous enough to be sat next to me on the couch.

I landed in his face and because of his puny frame, he buckled under the force of me catapulting into him and his glasses flew off.  I eventually managed to gain a foothold on his capacious head and I scrabbled on to freedom, leaving the jelly-headed youth gibbering on the couch, whilst the infidels collapsed in peals of laughter at his predicament.  They are as cruel to their young as they are to their captives.  I actually felt sympathy for him for a fleeting moment, but the feeling passed as I spotted my favourite ball on the carpet.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Day 705 of Captivity

The tedium of living with these wretched infidels continues to bore me to tears.  I have been so consumed with languor, I decided to entertain myself with a spot of singing this evening.  This seemed to gall the infidels as they were trying to watch Star Trek at the time.  A story about a fat elderly man who resides on a space ship and apparently females are powerless to resist his geriatric charms.  It is a very dated movie anyway and my singing is much more engaging.  I had to sing very loud to drown out the surround sound in their movie machine, but I am proud to say I reached some notes I didn't know were possible.  The boorish infidels of course did not appreciate my musical talents and insinuated that they would rather gouge at their ears with a cheese grater and rub their tattered remains with lemons than listen to another note!

Yesterday I had to suffer the indignity of being bundled into my crate for several hours, whilst the voracious infidels went out to a restaurant to stuff their porcine faces!  I tormented the kelb by singing tribal songs of my youth to him for two hours.  He seemed absolutely delighted to see the infidels on their return and when they released me from my cell the malodorous creature attempted to bite my face off!  I almost fainted from the stench of his fetid breath and had to wash my face several times to remove his putridness from my coat.  It was truly ghastly! 

The male infidel gave us a small amount of chicken this afternoon, his idea of a little snack.  On inspection I made the grisly discovery that he had attempted to feed me a chicken's derriere!  I didn't even protest when the greedy kelb pilfered my portion, and took a great amount of satisfaction in watching the halfwitted creature scoff it down as if it were the best caviar.   He truly is an imbecile and the male Infidel is a scoundrel!

I shall continue with my singing later when the infidels attempt to retire for the evening, I am sure they will appreciate my dulcet tones.  That will teach them to try and poison me with a chicken's bum!  Royalty does not chew on the toilet parts of animals, unlike dissolute kelbs!

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Day 693 of Captivity

This morning I was subjected to a most barbaric attack from the bellicose kelb!  I was in the lounge when I heard an insolent fowl goading  me from the garden.  I at once leapt into the affray and took off running, only to be squashed by the corpulent kelb in his headlong lurch towards the door.  The churlish creature jostled past me and I was flung unceremoniously into the refuse receptacle, at which point I landed hard and almost shattered my spine!  

I shrieked in agony and when no one came to my assistance, was forced to drag my battered frame back into the lounge.  I held up my disfigured leg, so the female infidel could know that her toady had physically crippled me.  She made a contemptible effort to placate me, but I was overwrought and took to my crate for the rest of the morning.  I shall seek retribution once I regain the strength in my withered limb.  I have spent the afternoon chewing my nails into sharp points, which I shall insert into the kelb's ears until he cries.  Vengeance shall be mine!

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Day 692 of Captivity

I actually reduced the strange nerdy Infidel to a sniveling heap yesterday afternoon.  He had a small memory card in his pocket and just before he went to the bathroom he dropped it onto the floor.  I was going to alert him, but thought it would be much more pleasurable to chew it to tiny fragments.  I was right, it was indeed pleasurable and made more so when he realised and burst into tears.  I felt utter jubilation when  the female infidel then berated not me, but the nerdy one, for having left it lying about, because after all he should know what I am like.  I lay on the sofa opposite and smirked at him as he sat sullenly throwing me the odd surly look.  I thought the nerdy one would implode, as I moved over to him and lay my head on his lap, smirking up at him.  He looked positively wretched!

It was a different story this morning when I stole an English muffin from the back of the kitchen counter and ate it.  The  male infidel raged at me this morning, something about having to drive 8 hours just to get them.  Perhaps they shouldn't have been so reckless with their valuables in future, after all they know what I am like!  I believe the nerdy one felt vindicated, a small sacrifice on my part.

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Day 685 of Captivity

The female infidel fed us very late this morning, because instead of catering to our every desire, she spent the morning on the phone twittering on to some poor undeserving soul.  I can only imagine they were on the other end of the line sticking forks in their necks and slamming their heads repeatedly in the freezer, I know I wished I was!  FINALLY the poor victim must have made their excuses and escaped, and the gabbling fool got off the phone.  

After she fed us, to illustrate my displeasure at having to wait, I regurgitated the entire meal up onto the carpet in the lounge.  I would have liked to have been able to vomit through the blinds, but I am still practicing my projectile technique.  The repugnant kelb hearing the commotion came to investigate.  At this point the female Infidel became enraged and started roaring at us both to get out, flailing her arms at us, like a spit fire plummeting to Earth!  

I took an enormous amount of satisfaction in seeing the kelb out maneuver her in the dining room and make a run for it back into the lounge.  Once he got there he gobbled up the pile of steaming spew, whilst I roared with laughter from the safety of the kitchen.  I really thought the female Infidel would have a stroke, as she began venting her spleen.  Yes, the kelb is not so adorable now is he missy!

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Day 682 of Captivity

The female Infidel is still sulking because yesterday she had a couple of visitors.  I was already hyper before they arrived and had been performing the wall of death, much to the female Infidels horror and she rushed about the villa grabbing precious things whilst berating me.  This only made the game so much more fun and sent me into a state of euphoria.  I was in the middle of a lap of the villa when the visitors arrived.  I felt it only good manners to rush to greet them and I took a good run up and launched myself into one of them, a small elderly lady.  The female Infidel then lost the plot and banished me to my crate.  How was I to know I could have broken her hip, I was just being a good host!

Needless to say I have had to endure the most intolerable level of pouting today, and they say Salukis can sulk!  I have spent the day sleeping off the tedium of her bad temper.  

Monday, 22 June 2009

Day 680 of Captivity

The miserly Infidels have only fed me once today, claiming that because I vomited a little it was for my own good!  Faint with hunger I was forced to find my own sustenance.  I managed to intercept a cockroach and was just about to ingest it when all hell broke lose and there was a lot of shrieking and flapping of arms and wringing of hands.  I thought the hairy one was going to soil himself!  My meal was confiscated and freed (stupid Buddhists!) much to my disgust, even Papillon was allowed to eat the cockroaches.  

Imagine my glee when I learned that roast beef with all the trimmings was on the Infidels menu this evening.  I should have known the hedonistic, potbellied simians would eat it all themselves!  However, intelligence sources have confirmed that the hairy one and the strange nerdy one are off to the dentist tomorrow, hopefully their mandibles will be wired shut, leaving an opening for me and my counter surfing deftness!  Should I not perish from lack of nutrients in the night, I am reduced to chewing my own feet and the occasional nibble of the camel stool!  How the kelb survives with his body mass I do not know!

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Day 679 of Captivity

Words fail me, I have been subjected to the most intolerable cruelty.  The greedy fat male infidel has just sat and eaten an entire bag of maltesers, and despite my most pitiful looks, he didn't even spare me a crumb!  I am outraged.  I am considering chewing his notes during his next visit to the kitchen, he is working hard on his note taking for his masters, I am sure eating every other page would be due recompense for his miserly behaviour!

They had a stir fry for tea and all I managed to procure was one measly bean sprout.  I wouldn't mind, but the corpulent kelb ate that!  

I am still sulking with the kelb after his stupidity last night!  The female Infidel actually allowed us to have a raw hide chew each last night.  It has been some time since we had one, because the kelb always spoils things.  I hid mine upstairs on the landing so they would think I had eaten it, then I taunted the kelb hoping to entice him into giving his up, but he was not giving in easily and he ignored me!  I became tired of him, he does tend to bring on a feeling of malaise after just a few moments in his irksome company.  

The little sneak sidled out of the room, as soon as my back was turned, and went upstairs to retrieve the chew I had hidden.  He skipped into the room all smug with one sticking out of each side of his gormless great mouth.  He even had the audacity to gallop round the room dancing with glee and taunting me.  Needless to say I was extremely vexed and I let him have it.  The female infidel chastised ME and then confiscated the chews.  I berated the kelb for some time after they were taken and pouted at him from the couch across the room, whilst he sat gazing vacantly in the direction that the chews were last seen.  I could almost hear the air rushing around the emptiness that is his skull.  He sucks the fun right out of life!

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Day 672 of Captivity

Yesterday was the hairy infidels birthday.  The ungrateful young upstart didn't seem to appreciate my gift of warm chicken vomit that I unselfishly left on his pillow for him.  He thundered down the stairs bellowing like a bull and he called me some very unkind names!  The youth of today are just so ungrateful.  Next time I shall defecate in his slippers!

This morning the female infidel swanned off to a coffee morning on another compound, where she quaffed cakes (as if her ass isn't big enough!) and sat about all morning twittering on to any poor soul she could detain.  I can just imagine the anguish, those poor people!  The female infidel didn't even bring back a morsel for us, the greedy wench!  Myself and the kelb were left in the care of the hairy infidel and the sullen strange boy infidel.  I am still sulking about the hairy one's churlish behaviour yesterday.  To teach him a lesson, I decided I would defecate in his slippers! My generosity knows no bounds.  By the smell of them, I wasn't the first, although I couldn't name the breed from the stench, possibly Orangutan or some form of marsupial.  I am dozing on the couch awaiting the fallout when he discovers them.  

Friday, 12 June 2009

Day 670 of Captivity

The infidels went out last night to partake in an evening of drunken debauchery at the British Embassy.  They are truly scandalous and came home in the early hours of the morning in a drunken stupor, they are such heathens.  I have my suspicions that they may have eaten prohibited pig meat as well, they are just depraved enough!  

Before they went out they spent ages primping themselves.  While the female infidel was in the shower she left the clothes she was to wear out ready and her new shoes.  I have not eaten a pair of shoes in a while and thought this a good opportunity to revisit the pleasure.  I managed to chew a small hole in the side of one of her shoes while she was busy in the bathroom.  She became quite enraged when she came out of the bathroom and caught me just about to have a chew on the heels, I have never seen her move so quickly and the language was atrocious!  

Needless to say the infidels have spent much of the day in bed.  I tried to rouse them to let me out, but it was a pointless exercise.  I was left aghast when I wrapped myself up in the kilim and began chewing on the corners, the female infidel has the hearing of a fruit bat and she was out of bed quicker than a flash and issuing death threats.  She trudged down to the garden with me and became very impatient as I plodded round the garden smelling the flowers and taking  my time to enjoy the baking sun, which seemed to turn the female infidel an ashen shade.  They have not moved much today and look like death warmed up, the only thing that gets  them active is playfully jumping on their heads, they don't seem too pleased about it either!  

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Day 667 of Captivity

The vacuous kelb ate some red ants yesterday whilst inhaling his supper.  It has amused me no end, as he looks like a canine Mick Jagger!  His lips swelled right up making his head look even fatter than usual.  He has not had a good day, he was given his boosters yesterday in his back legs, so to top it off he has been walking as if the Vet left the thermometer in.  From the front he looks like Mick Jagger and from the rear he looks like John Inman.  He has been such a bore and just lay around feeling sorry for himself.  I have been forced to find my own amusement.  I spent the morning distressing the infidels camel stool and pulling out wadding from the storage in the back room and shredding it leaving a trail of destruction for the female infidel to tut over.

The male infidel cooked this evening.  As they were loading up the dishwasher I did a pre wash, I do like to do my bit.  I think the male needs to tweek his recipe, it made my tongue burn and my eyes water!  It has put me off assisting them for a time.  No doubt I shall be spending tomorrow licking my anus like a common kelb!  Damn his ham-fisted use of curry powder!

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Day 665 of Captivity

I am outraged!  The female Infidel maimed me with her cycling contraption this morning.  The foul kelb stopped to evacuate his bowels and the female infidel was most put out that I was attempting to alert her to a peasant cat encroaching on our personal space.  The sheer impudence of the grimy creature was inconceivable!  The female Infidel was attempting to pick up the kelb's leavings (a ghastly activity these Infidels perform that I have found most peculiar!)  and became quite cross as I attempted to pull the cycling contraption round so that I could dispatch the ghastly peasant cat.  She attempted to mount the cycling contraption and ignore the brute.  I jumped up and scratched her arm to bring her out of the stupour she was clearly in.  She became more determined to cycle on, there was nothing for it, I threw myself against the rear tyre in an attempt to stop the madness.  She cursed loudly and told me to stop being such an imbecile.  I am now sporting a large friction burn on my chest and a severe reprimand from the female Infidel for allegedly attempting to take her life.  She can be such a drama queen!  When I licked off all of the iodine and antiseptic cream, she even had the gall to threaten me with the cone of despair!  The abuse continues.

The kelb was supposed to be taken to the vet yesterday evening to have his boosters.  He managed to get a reprieve, as when the male Infidel came home from work he said he was far too tired for such ventures!  From what I can gather his occupation entails his sitting in a large leather chair in a big office, I cannot understand how that would be very tiring at all.  I am pretty sure by the look on the female Infidels face that she was struggling to comprehend this too.  She muttered something about being slightly put out she was unable to drive herself.  At least I think that is what the cursing meant.  

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Day 664 of Captivity

Following the ups and downs of my illness, life has returned to the dull monotony of Infidel hell that I previously existed in.  To pass the time I have been perusing the Infidels vast dvd collection.  I came across an interesting series called Prison Break, however I am not prepared to have a map of the prison tattooed onto my royal coat and I certainly don't want the kelb getting in on the plan!  He is far too vapid and his foul stench would give the game away.

I have taken to wandering nocturnally round the bedroom, occasionally bursting into song of such ear splitting pitch it would stun a thrush in mid flight.  This normally rouses the female Infidel.  I have to say she is a philistine where my singing is concerned.  Waking in the night brings out the shrew in her and she is prone to fits of apoplexy.  

To compensate for my nocturnal activity, I am prone to narcolepsy once I have assured she is awake and mobile.  I tend to spend the day languishing on the couch, shouting abuse at the occasional passing peasant, whilst the female infidel scowls menacingly from the opposite side of the room with her moronic sidekick drooling at her feet.

I have set aside The Great Escape and Escape From Alcatraz for future viewing, as Prison Break was rather disappointing.   Tattoos!  *shudder*

Friday, 29 May 2009

Day 656 of Captivity

During the dark days of my illness I flicked through some of the infidels novels.  it would appear that Infidels take a perverse pleasure in torturing royalty.  They had such titles as "The Man in the Iron Mask".  What devils have held me captive?

The Infidels have finally removed the cone of anguish that they had burdened me with these past few weeks.   I note that they have kept it and renamed it the cone of coercion.  It is in the back room glinting at me fiendishly.  As soon as the opportunity arises I will eat it.  

I am slightly sad to see the cone go, as I had developed a great game for torturing the kelb.  I would stand over him with the cone and trap his face in it.  If you saw his eyes bulge and his legs flail you would think it was vacuum sealed.  Most amusing!  I also quite enjoyed using it as a weapon of mass destruction and knee capping the Infidels with it.  That said I am fully functioning again as counter surfing champion KSA, the cone was somewhat hindering.

The female Infidel bathed me this morning and then dragged her victorian torture tool known as the Furminator through my coat.  I was just pleased to be free of the cone of anguish so I did not put up a fight.  The kelb was bathed too. 

The Infidels were preparing their dinner.  In their absence I chewed two enormous holes in one of the throws on the couch.  It has been ages since I have been able to wreck havoc on their lives and I didn't want them forgetting just what I am capable of did I? 

Friday, 22 May 2009

Day 649 of Captivity

The Infidels thought the war was won when they put that huge cone on my head, but they underestimated me.  Just before they were going to bed the other night I chucked myself about and managed to smash the cone in half and get free of it.  It was very late at night, so the Infidels did a repair job on it and then the female guarded me all night.  The following morning she called that evil vet and made arrangements to take me back!  She seemed very worried and had been crying in the night.  Clearly the guilt is back.

That afternoon they returned me to the vet.  There was a lot of wringing of hands and worried expressions.  It was discovered that I had removed all of my stitches and done some damage to the tissue underneath.  I had an infection and was quite poorly.  The vet gave me an injection in my back, the needle was huge!  Neither of the Infidels could watch, but they didn't stop him either.  They then took me back to the car and on the way home they bought a new giant lampshade to put on my head.  As if the trip to the vet had not been torturous enough!  To let them know how much I objected I vomited all over the female Infidel just minutes from home.  I thought she was going to cry, she was literally covered in it.

It seems that dastardly vet had given the Infidels some tablets for me to sedate me and keep me from getting at my wound for a few days.  The female gave me 2 tablets and stayed up with me all night, as I fought it and would not settle.  Eventually I calmed down and the infidels have kept me in that state for a few days now.  they have slept by my side taking it in turns to watch over me and brought me drinks of water, and fed me and just made sure I was well.  Perhaps I have misjudged these Infidels, although I suspect a more likely explanation is that they have not been giving me sedatives at all, but mind altering drugs in an attempt to trick me into liking them.  I am sure once I am lucid again I will see things more clearly.

In an attempt to make up for their evil deeds the infidels went out yesterday and bought me a new chair to sleep in.  It hardly compensates for having me sawn in half, but it will do for a start!





I am now being as annoying as possible whinging in my highest voice and digging up the couch.  When I am well again, I have a lot of making up to do.

Monday, 18 May 2009

Day 645 of Captivity

Not satisfied with having me gutted, those depraved Infidels have gone on a mutilation spree and have now taken the kelb to the vet!  He came back looking like his scrotum had been used as a punch bag by Ricky Hatton!  He is not amused and has been rather pathetic.  I was sawn in half and you don't see me rolling around being feeble!  I have taken the bull by the horns and managed to work out how to push past that lampshade and get to my stitches.  However, those cursed Infidels have discovered my little secret and have taken the torture up a level.  I am now wandering about with a satellite dish on my head picking up Al Jazeera and sulking like only a Saluki can.  The lampshade I am currently wearing would be more at home at Jodrell Bank!

They have also discovered that I have been scratching my chest and got it very raw.  In an attempt to prevent this I am wearing stupid socks and a hideous off cast T shirt, the hand me down of a sweaty adolescent!  It smells strange and belongs in Barry Manilow's wardrobe.  The smell can only be described as youth.  I am now confined to throwing myself about in my crate, writhing in agony and unable to chew my stitches.  Can life be any more desolate!?!

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Day 643 of Captivity

The cruelty of the infidels knows no bounds!  Not satisfied with having me sawn in half, they have now attached a hideous plastic lampshade to my collar.  It is like an albatross around my neck.  What kind of sadists are they?  I have taken to my cell, as I am too ashamed to be seen in public looking like Shakespeare's dog!  It is useful though, for knocking their precious things off tables and chaffing the kelb's posterior!  The bonus is that the kelb is afraid of the collar, so I keep looming at him.  It is most amusing seeing the vapid creature completely freak out! 


O' frabjous day!  Callooh!  Callay!  The kelb bids farewell to his plums tomorrow.  Whilst I can't reach my own stitches I am sure I will manage to gnaw on his! *smiles smugly*

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Day 641 of Captivity

I just about made it through the night!  I felt very uncomfortable and shuffled about a bit, the female thought it was my wound and allowed me to get comfy.  I urinated on her couch.  The male infidel was none too pleased, but the female, still wracked with guilt defended me saying that I was probably still a bit out of it on the GA.  Little does she know that had the male not taken me to the garden and I was able to push I would have defecated on there as well!  I finally managed to do that in the garden, after the humiliation of having wet cloths to assist me.  Is there no end to the degradation I must endure!

The infidels are clearly beside themselves with guilt for having me maimed.  They actually allowed me to languish on their bed all night in between them.  I woke in the night a couple of times and was very sick.  The female was alerted to it and took me out the back.  I woke her this morning chewing on my stitches and she has now dressed me in a disgusting Adidas T shirt and tied a ribbon round the waist in an attempt to stop me.  Adidas!  I am Gucci or Amani for goodness sake!  Not only have they injured me but they are now humiliating me as well.  The female's guilt has obviously eroded as she has chastised me several times this morning for chewing my stitches.  She clearly underestimates the power of the Saluki when it comes to sulking, she will pay dearly for this!

I can hardly wait until it is the turn of the kelb, he is trotting about with an air of smug satisfaction.  *Growl*

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Day 640 of Captivity

I have been violated!  Those devils took me into town today and left me at the Vets.  I was then sawn in half and gutted like a fish!  I am now languishing on the couch minutes from death.  The female infidel clearly feels guilty for her part in this, she has been flapping round and giving me drinks of water.  The kelb keeps pushing his fat face close to mine and licking me!  If he gets close enough I will bite him, this is all his fault!  I am taking solace in the fact that, little does he know, but he is next and they are taking his man bits.  He will be barking castrato as of Sunday.  I would sneer at him, but I am in too much pain!  I feel I must milk this for the full duration.  Those scoundrels will suffer for this!

On the bright side the crinkly infidels have gone.  I didn't manage to eat much of their stuff, just a quick nibble on some headphones and a book.  The kelb and I certainly seemed to cause them great stress while the infidels were away languishing in a hotel in Marrakech, having abandoned us and left us at the mercy of the crinklies.  Don't worry we made the crinklies suffer! The kelb kept trying to make me his woman during my pseudo season, a hypothesis so grisly, bile rises up in my mouth at the very thought!    The female kindly brought me back two sheeps leather pouffes, which I  am delighted with and have distressed a little.  

I will write more if I survive the night and gain my strength back.  *peffle*

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Day 623 of Captivity

What an absolutely dreadful week I have had!  Not only have I had to endure having more Infidels around me, but I have also been having another pseudo season.  The kelb has been a dribbling, whining buffoon, no change from normal granted, but he has followed my every move and been fawning all over me.  I have standards!  I was taken to the vet to see if they can help as this has been the worst one in a long time.  The Infidels have found a new vet and seemed to be very confident in him.  There was talk of x-rays to confirm the remnant and possibly another spay operation!  I feel pretty fed up at the moment and I swear if the kelb doesn't stop his whining, I will bite his face off!

On the bright side, there was a glimmer of hope yesterday! I saw a peasant cat on our bike ride and one tug, I managed to snap my leash and break free.  I was so excited at the prospect of dispatching the cat, I didn't realise I could have run away!  I ran off at top speed and screeched to an emergency stop just over the peasant creature, but it made off and ran under a car.  The female Infidel was frantic and screaming my name.  She released the kelb from the bike to chase me down.  The cat ran under the nearest car and I stood guard ready to pounce when it came out, but unfortunately I was so focussed on the cat, I didn't see the female coming and she grabbed my collar and walked myself and the kelb home.  She was in a black mood.  When she got home, she realised I was bleeding, I had skinned my pads and the back of my rear leg in my emergency skid on the concrete.  She has put some cream on them and will not let me keep them clean.  When I chew them clean, she threatens to make me wear a lamp shade on my head, these Infidels are just the pits! 

We did not go out on the bike this morning, but were walked round.  I will wait until next time and run away, that vacuous cat distracted me, but now I know there is a way...........

Monday, 20 April 2009

Day 618 of Captivity

The other night the Infidels were feeling lazy and ordered their dinner from the restaurant.  The male Infidel put some money on the dresser ready to pay for the delivery and then popped to the lavatory.  While he was gone, I surreptitiously removed the money from the dresser and took it into the lounge and shredded it into a million pieces.  The male returned from the lavatory and sat on the couch waiting for the food to arrive.  I lay on the couch with a sly grin on my face.  The doorbell rang and  I have to admit to taking some perverse pleasure out of seeing him go to the dresser, see the money was missing, then go about the house shouting to everyone asking them if they had removed it.  The look of sheer horror as he passed through the lounge and saw the carpet festooned with a confetti of money was just hilarious.  Not nearly as funny as seeing him red faced on the door step explaining to the restaurant that he would have to pass by later and drop off some money, as his beloved pet had ingested the money he had set aside.  More amusing was the sheer realisation that it was one puzzle he was not going to ever be able to reconstruct as I had swallowed the odd piece.

I am suffering for my deed now as a few nights ago the house was invaded by yet more Infidels.  These are the very Infidels that spawned the female!  They are sleeping in the house and still have not left, it has been almost a week now.  I hope that they are not staying for good.  The Infidel they call Grandad worries me.  I urinated on the end of his bed to let him know that I was not amused by his trespassing.  I have tried to gain access to the room since, but they seem to be keeping it locked up tight.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Day 601 of Captivity

The female Infidel was ill yesterday.  She went to bed to wallow in her own self pity and of course the creepy kelb went with her to lie by her side, throwing her the odd pitying look and being a general crawler.  He disgusts me!  I went up there too, because I am quite nosey.  The female Infidel eventually drifted off to sleep, but lying watching her being feeble was becoming rather tedious.  I was bored and decided to sprint round the room at top speed, jumping hard onto the bed a couple of times, until the female Infidel sat up wide eyed and swearing like a Trooper, flapping her arms around and generally looking outraged.  She then threw the bedroom door open and dismissed me, sending me from the room.  I was only too glad to leave and went downstairs, her reddened distorted face and shrill rantings retreating into the distance as I ran downstairs to the safety of the male Infidel, who at least saw the funny side to my escapade.  She has no sense of fun!

It is raining again today, and there is no chance the female will get me out there running today.  I hate rain!  I am so bored though.  The Infidels will not allow me to amuse myself by sprinting round the lounge.  I have thrown the couch into the window a couple of times, which is enough to send the female Infidel into a rage, she keeps threatening to crate me if I don't calm down.  I have indulged in a spot of counter surfing, but the stingy Infidels have taken to hiding any contraband in the microwave and I can't quite get the door open myself.  I have tried dragging it off the counter to see if the fall would open the door, but the noise it makes tends to alert the infidels who are never too far away from me for some strange reason. 

I am lying on the back of the couch staring out of the windows, amusing myself by barking at passers by, this activity tends to gall the infidels, especially when the vacuous kelb joins in, because he is very loud and irritating.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Day 599 of Captivity

The female Infidel woke the male with a cup of tea and some toast this morning.  She then went back downstairs to get her own, leaving the kelb and I in the room with the male Infidel.  I was lolling about on the Infidels bed, when suddenly I lunged at the male and absconded with a slice of his toast smothered in delicious peanut butter.  The male was infuriated by my impudence and he jumped up out of bed and began pursuing me most vigorously.  We danced from one side of the bed to the other, and I could see he was about to explode with fury.  The female Infidel was aghast, as she opened the door to witness a naked male Infidel lunging across the bed like superman making a grab for my retreating posterior as I made a run for the now open door.  I am not sure who was more disturbed by the vision of a naked male infidel leaping through the air in a pathetic attempt to catch me, myself or the female Infidel.  She looked quite pale.

I made my way to the mid landing and relished my spoils.  The male Infidel sulked for quite some time, he did not even crack when I leant against him with huge sad eyes, fluttering my eyelashes.  That usually gets him every time, he is such a drama queen, he would have given me the toast anyway, I just couldn't wait!  The kelb was horrified and kept giving me withering stares from his bed, letting me know that he found my behaviour distasteful.  He then had the audacity to make several advances on my person throughout the day, when will he realise that I would never stoop so low!

The female infidel spent the morning baking the most delicious chocolate muffins, which she put under that annoying dome to prevent me from partaking in what should have been my share.  She is so miserly, her excuse is that chocolate is bad for dogs, looking at what it has done to her ass, perhaps she is right!