Friday, 29 May 2009

Day 656 of Captivity

During the dark days of my illness I flicked through some of the infidels novels.  it would appear that Infidels take a perverse pleasure in torturing royalty.  They had such titles as "The Man in the Iron Mask".  What devils have held me captive?

The Infidels have finally removed the cone of anguish that they had burdened me with these past few weeks.   I note that they have kept it and renamed it the cone of coercion.  It is in the back room glinting at me fiendishly.  As soon as the opportunity arises I will eat it.  

I am slightly sad to see the cone go, as I had developed a great game for torturing the kelb.  I would stand over him with the cone and trap his face in it.  If you saw his eyes bulge and his legs flail you would think it was vacuum sealed.  Most amusing!  I also quite enjoyed using it as a weapon of mass destruction and knee capping the Infidels with it.  That said I am fully functioning again as counter surfing champion KSA, the cone was somewhat hindering.

The female Infidel bathed me this morning and then dragged her victorian torture tool known as the Furminator through my coat.  I was just pleased to be free of the cone of anguish so I did not put up a fight.  The kelb was bathed too. 

The Infidels were preparing their dinner.  In their absence I chewed two enormous holes in one of the throws on the couch.  It has been ages since I have been able to wreck havoc on their lives and I didn't want them forgetting just what I am capable of did I? 

Friday, 22 May 2009

Day 649 of Captivity

The Infidels thought the war was won when they put that huge cone on my head, but they underestimated me.  Just before they were going to bed the other night I chucked myself about and managed to smash the cone in half and get free of it.  It was very late at night, so the Infidels did a repair job on it and then the female guarded me all night.  The following morning she called that evil vet and made arrangements to take me back!  She seemed very worried and had been crying in the night.  Clearly the guilt is back.

That afternoon they returned me to the vet.  There was a lot of wringing of hands and worried expressions.  It was discovered that I had removed all of my stitches and done some damage to the tissue underneath.  I had an infection and was quite poorly.  The vet gave me an injection in my back, the needle was huge!  Neither of the Infidels could watch, but they didn't stop him either.  They then took me back to the car and on the way home they bought a new giant lampshade to put on my head.  As if the trip to the vet had not been torturous enough!  To let them know how much I objected I vomited all over the female Infidel just minutes from home.  I thought she was going to cry, she was literally covered in it.

It seems that dastardly vet had given the Infidels some tablets for me to sedate me and keep me from getting at my wound for a few days.  The female gave me 2 tablets and stayed up with me all night, as I fought it and would not settle.  Eventually I calmed down and the infidels have kept me in that state for a few days now.  they have slept by my side taking it in turns to watch over me and brought me drinks of water, and fed me and just made sure I was well.  Perhaps I have misjudged these Infidels, although I suspect a more likely explanation is that they have not been giving me sedatives at all, but mind altering drugs in an attempt to trick me into liking them.  I am sure once I am lucid again I will see things more clearly.

In an attempt to make up for their evil deeds the infidels went out yesterday and bought me a new chair to sleep in.  It hardly compensates for having me sawn in half, but it will do for a start!

I am now being as annoying as possible whinging in my highest voice and digging up the couch.  When I am well again, I have a lot of making up to do.

Monday, 18 May 2009

Day 645 of Captivity

Not satisfied with having me gutted, those depraved Infidels have gone on a mutilation spree and have now taken the kelb to the vet!  He came back looking like his scrotum had been used as a punch bag by Ricky Hatton!  He is not amused and has been rather pathetic.  I was sawn in half and you don't see me rolling around being feeble!  I have taken the bull by the horns and managed to work out how to push past that lampshade and get to my stitches.  However, those cursed Infidels have discovered my little secret and have taken the torture up a level.  I am now wandering about with a satellite dish on my head picking up Al Jazeera and sulking like only a Saluki can.  The lampshade I am currently wearing would be more at home at Jodrell Bank!

They have also discovered that I have been scratching my chest and got it very raw.  In an attempt to prevent this I am wearing stupid socks and a hideous off cast T shirt, the hand me down of a sweaty adolescent!  It smells strange and belongs in Barry Manilow's wardrobe.  The smell can only be described as youth.  I am now confined to throwing myself about in my crate, writhing in agony and unable to chew my stitches.  Can life be any more desolate!?!

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Day 643 of Captivity

The cruelty of the infidels knows no bounds!  Not satisfied with having me sawn in half, they have now attached a hideous plastic lampshade to my collar.  It is like an albatross around my neck.  What kind of sadists are they?  I have taken to my cell, as I am too ashamed to be seen in public looking like Shakespeare's dog!  It is useful though, for knocking their precious things off tables and chaffing the kelb's posterior!  The bonus is that the kelb is afraid of the collar, so I keep looming at him.  It is most amusing seeing the vapid creature completely freak out! 

O' frabjous day!  Callooh!  Callay!  The kelb bids farewell to his plums tomorrow.  Whilst I can't reach my own stitches I am sure I will manage to gnaw on his! *smiles smugly*

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Day 641 of Captivity

I just about made it through the night!  I felt very uncomfortable and shuffled about a bit, the female thought it was my wound and allowed me to get comfy.  I urinated on her couch.  The male infidel was none too pleased, but the female, still wracked with guilt defended me saying that I was probably still a bit out of it on the GA.  Little does she know that had the male not taken me to the garden and I was able to push I would have defecated on there as well!  I finally managed to do that in the garden, after the humiliation of having wet cloths to assist me.  Is there no end to the degradation I must endure!

The infidels are clearly beside themselves with guilt for having me maimed.  They actually allowed me to languish on their bed all night in between them.  I woke in the night a couple of times and was very sick.  The female was alerted to it and took me out the back.  I woke her this morning chewing on my stitches and she has now dressed me in a disgusting Adidas T shirt and tied a ribbon round the waist in an attempt to stop me.  Adidas!  I am Gucci or Amani for goodness sake!  Not only have they injured me but they are now humiliating me as well.  The female's guilt has obviously eroded as she has chastised me several times this morning for chewing my stitches.  She clearly underestimates the power of the Saluki when it comes to sulking, she will pay dearly for this!

I can hardly wait until it is the turn of the kelb, he is trotting about with an air of smug satisfaction.  *Growl*

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Day 640 of Captivity

I have been violated!  Those devils took me into town today and left me at the Vets.  I was then sawn in half and gutted like a fish!  I am now languishing on the couch minutes from death.  The female infidel clearly feels guilty for her part in this, she has been flapping round and giving me drinks of water.  The kelb keeps pushing his fat face close to mine and licking me!  If he gets close enough I will bite him, this is all his fault!  I am taking solace in the fact that, little does he know, but he is next and they are taking his man bits.  He will be barking castrato as of Sunday.  I would sneer at him, but I am in too much pain!  I feel I must milk this for the full duration.  Those scoundrels will suffer for this!

On the bright side the crinkly infidels have gone.  I didn't manage to eat much of their stuff, just a quick nibble on some headphones and a book.  The kelb and I certainly seemed to cause them great stress while the infidels were away languishing in a hotel in Marrakech, having abandoned us and left us at the mercy of the crinklies.  Don't worry we made the crinklies suffer! The kelb kept trying to make me his woman during my pseudo season, a hypothesis so grisly, bile rises up in my mouth at the very thought!    The female kindly brought me back two sheeps leather pouffes, which I  am delighted with and have distressed a little.  

I will write more if I survive the night and gain my strength back.  *peffle*