Sunday, 30 August 2009

Day 749 of Captivity

Unbelievable!  I was just tucking into my evening repast, when the electrical transformer in the garden went off and scared the living daylights out of me.  I scarpered, and as I was beating a retreat, the gluttonous kelb darted forward and took the male infidel slightly off guard.  He made a grab for my chicken leg, just as the male infidel leapt up and rugby tackled him to the ground.  A scuffle ensued, during which the male infidel got the kelb into a head lock and wrestled the stolen chicken from his vice-like mandibles.  The kelb was not giving up without a fight and he tried to guzzle the chicken leg, he looked like Marty Feldman; all bulging eyes, as the male infidel arose from the scrimmage victoriously holding the chicken leg aloft, keeping the kelb at bay with his leg.

The kelb was then put into the kitchen behind the screen door and he watched forlornly as I savoured every mouthful and enjoyed my reclaimed meal with gusto.  I relished every mouthful and made sure to take my time to eat it.  It is so satisfying seeing the kelb so dejected.  Once I had finished the kelb was released, and he exploded from the kitchen and almost knocked the male infidel flying in his attempts to lick my empty bowl completely clean ensuring every last morsel was gone.  

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Day 744 of Captivity

It has been an eventful week.  The infidels invited a pack of strange heretics over at the weekend.  There were six of them and it was quite stressful, as they were rather rambunctious!  They finally all left and went out together and the kelb and I were left in the care of the adolescent infidels.  Around midnight, we decided to make the adolescents let us out in the back yard.  The kelb went to his favourite bush to urinate.  Unbelievably, there was a peasant cat hiding in there!  The kelb, unaware of the presence of the vile feline, urinated on it, and it was none too pleased.

The peasant cat had the sheer audacity to launch an assault on the kelb!  I could not believe the impudence of the wretched creature.  The kelb was scandalised and became hostile; his hackles raised, he launched the peasant creature into the BBQ.  It made a break for it and ran up the garden wall, but I was not about to let a peasant cat behave so outrageously, even if his insolence was aimed at a common kelb!  I made chase and trapped it in the bushes, but the adolescents had become quite hysterical at this stage.  Realising that spraying water at us was ineffectual they banged some dishes together, which pulled us from our murderous trance!  They used this opportunity to unceremoniously shove us back into the house.  They then called the female infidel who rushed home to see what all the commotion was about.  We were forbidden to go out without her eagle eyes upon us, by that time the half witted cat had made a swift exit and has not been seen on our turf since.  The cats of today are just so ill bred, I could not believe my eyes!  It actually had the nerve to scratch my nose.  If it weren't for those pesky adolescents I would have certainly dispatched the treacherous brute!

I have been quite restless for the last few days.  The female infidel is fretting that I am about to suffer another pseudo season.  I have not gone out of my way to demonstrate otherwise and have used the opportunity to be more unruly than usual.  I have had the female infidel at my beck and call retrieving articles that I have pilfered from around the house.  She invited an infidel round that she did not know too well and was absolutely fuming when I stole the visitor's shoe and did a lap of victory of the lounge.  I didn't get the chance to chew it, as it was snatched from me in a most impolite fashion.  It was amusing to see her squirming and making her apologies to the stranger.  I love to humiliate her!

This morning was hilarious!  I woke in the small hours of the morning and made sure the female was up.  To my good luck she thought her alarm was going off and she was slapping alarm clocks and floundering about in the dark.  I almost burst out laughing when she emerged from the bathroom bleary eyed and dressed!  She stumbled downstairs behind us.  When we got down there she started to get our cycling gear out.  This was too good to ruin by laughing.  I don't know how I managed it, but I allowed her to get me ready to go and the kelb who is a moron anyway just went along with it.  She seemed perplexed when she got to the front door and saw that it was dark but she hooked us up to the bike anyway and off we went.  We did our circuits in complete darkness.  When we got back the female infidel stomped into the lounge and looked at the clock.  That was it, I could contain myself no more!  I laughed so much my ribs hurt.  The dullard had only walked us at 330 AM!  I took a great deal of pleasure in her rage, as she silently fumed on the couch, throwing me the odd glare.  It is a fact that dogs fall into a routine, what a delightful routine to have her up and out at such an unearthly hour!

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Day 735 of Captivity

I took great delight today in letting the female infidel think she had got away without any repercussions from the butter heist of yesterday evening.  I slept through the night and was the picture of sweetness and light.

The infidels decided to pop out this evening for a change of scenery.  When they returned I was hyper and ran around the villa like a whirling dervish.  Conscious of the fact I was in a state of frenzy, the female Infidel made me accompany her upstairs whilst she went in the shower, as there was no one to keep an eye on me while she was gone.  Therein lies her mistake!

I lay in my chair looking calm and mellow, blinking at her inquiringly as he shot me accusing looks.  I waited until she went in the shower to achieve maximum chaos as I put my fiendish plan into operation.  Once the water was running and I was satisfied she was otherwise engaged, I jumped onto the Infidel's bed where the revolting kelb was dozing just to be near their scent (he is such a spineless weasel!)  Once on the bed, I began retching and hacking until I coughed up my dinner.  The kelb seeing a chance for a free hot meal, leapt into action. I was furious, as he was taking all the evidence of my crime, so I leapt at him shrieking as hard as I could and bit his head, guarding the traces that remained and growling at him menacingly.  It was a tense moment, when my plan could have been ruined by the portly kelb.

The female Infidel, hearing the commotion, popped a soapy head around the shower curtain and morphed into a deranged harpy, all soap and screaming like a hellcat.  She leapt from the shower and almost perished as she blindly went sailing across the wet floor, sending her to new levels of dementia.  The kelb and I looked at each other surreptitiously and we both fled in opposite directions as the soaked, soapy crone emerged from the bathroom in a fit of apoplexy.  The bedroom door was thrust open and we were both unceremoniously propelled through it, I saw her foot almost make contact with my retreating hind, as I ran like the clappers down the stairs elbowing the kelb out of the way.  I could still hear the shrill rasping of the female Infidel on the rampage, as I collapsed at the bottom of the stairs in a fit of hysteria.

She has sat scowling on the couch ever since!  I have drifted off to sleep listening to the whirring of the washing machine in the background, punctuated by the female snorting like a buffalo, seething and snarling at all who dared to approach.   Even the kelb has steered clear of his beloved patron.  Infidels have a tendency to sulk for days and days, they are not as forgiving as us Salukis.  

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Day 734 of Captivity

The female infidel deigned to cook tea this afternoon.  While she was occupied I took the opportunity to gnaw at the zip on one of the sofa cushions.  Realising I had been silent for a time, the old hag came to investigate.  She was furious that I had chewed the zip and chased me out of the room, flailing her arms around like a demonic Morris Dancer and bellowing like a cow in labour.  She then started fussing over the cushions.  An opportune moment presented itself for me to meander into the kitchen and consume around 200g of butter that was left carelessly unattended.  The look of horror and the realisation that this oversight on her part, would come back and haunt her later this evening or even better in the early hours of the morning, was just priceless!  I have tummy ache and foresee vomit or a canine poo pancake in her future.  She does not seem happy sitting next to  me on the sofa as my stomach churns away like a washing machine.  I think she too foresees what the future holds for her and is peeved.  

I may just doze until 2am. I have been practicing retching, so I am prepared.  Nothing has the power to move an Infidel quicker than the sound of a gagging hound in the early hours of the morning.  They appear to develop the hearing of a fruit bat.  What will vex her more, will be the male infidel's ability to sleep through the entire episode.  This will have them bickering in the morning!  Which is always a bonus!

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Day 728 of Captivity

The holy month of Ramadan is once more on the horizon.  Sadly, I must spend it in the company of the proles I reside with instead of with my Bedouin kin.  On the up side, the kelb has become more rotund than ever following his castration.  He has been placed on a diet, which presents many opportunities for me to persecute him, as he is not amused.  His rations have been cut by half, and his face was a picture when he was presented with this meagre portion this morning.  I decided to wander about the garden until he had eaten, and then very slowly savoured every mouthful of my food, while he looked on gormless and drooling.  He really is living proof that the male brain resides in the testicles, he is even more vapid than ever since his surgery!  He spent almost 45 minutes licking the ground after we had eaten, in the vain hope of extracting one last morsel from the concrete.  After a time the female infidel curtly called her beloved toady inside, having had enough of his incessant licking of the concrete.  He then had to consume gallons of water, as his mouth must have been dry as a bone!  He really is such a nincompoop!

Continuing my torment of the kelb, I vomited this afternoon, but the female infidel was too quick for me and she managed to sweep me out of the lounge, sparing her carpet.  Even more impressive was the fact that she also swept the kelb along with us preventing him from snacking on my leavings and he was forced to look sadly on from behind the locked screen door, as the female infidel cleaned up the potential meal.  He looked crushed, making the purge worthwhile.

The female infidel seems to be under the impression that she is off on a holiday soon. I am outraged that she would consider jetting off to enjoy herself, leaving me behind! I have made several attempts to sabotage her evil plan, but she seems undaunted by them.  When I chewed her guidebook, she simply went on line to investigate the place she plans on visiting.  I see I shall have to play hardball and eat her laptop or at least chew the cable.  She seems to be becoming impervious to my actions of late, very disconcerting!

A couple of days ago whilst out exercising there were two members of the National Guard by the gate.  We were on foot as the female infidel has damaged the rear tyre of the cycling contraption.  The National Guard beckoned us, but being virtuous, I ignored them, secretly hoping that seeing I was a prisoner of infidels; they were going to snatch me and free me.  Of course the brazen female went over to engage in conversation with these strange men!  I was horrified to discover, it was the kelb they expressed an interest in!  They were rather taken with his intimidating build!  One of them even touched his grotesque frame and no doubt had to spend the remains of the day dousing himself in disinfectant!  My, times are changing; I never thought I would see the day when a fellow countryman would rather touch a putrid kelb!  I am a little perturbed by this encounter, I thought freedom was in my grasp at last!

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Day 720 of Captivity

The nerdy Infidel has obviously been biding his time after I recently accosted him.  I was sound asleep today on the couch after my morning exercise and he thought it would be amusing to come up behind me and clap loudly.  Needless to say I almost suffered a coronary!  Not willing to let the little pipsqueak get away with such a brutal assault on my royal person, I let out a blood-curdling scream.  Thinking I was being killed the female infidel rushed to my aid and the little upstart got a short sharp shrift for behaving like a miscreant.  I smirked smugly at him as he beat a retreat, I could still hear his indignant bleating, as the female infidel berated him further for being argumentative.  How I relished my victory!

It was a short lived triumph, however, when I found myself on the receiving end of the harpee just moments later when the little sneak sang like a canary and told the female infidel that I was distressing the camel stool on the landing.  The infidels just will not be told that it is more authentic if it has Saluki engravings on it.  They are so boorish!