Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Day 787 of Captivity

I haven't managed to post much recently, because the fatuous female Infidel broke the laptop last week.  I think you have to be some kind of special to break a Mac, but it seems the female has won her spot on the sunshine coach!  She spent much of last week either swearing at it or threatening it with violence.  It is repaired now, but no thanks to the old crone, she had to call on the help of a techy type, I think they are referred to as geeks.  He seemed most amused at the level of stupidity displayed by the female Infidel, while she prattled on about how the laptop came to be in such a state of disrepair he seemed to be choking down hysterics.  

The female Infidel has spent much of her time tied to the laptop attempting to collect her e mail from 2006!  All the while she has been intolerable.  She hasn't paid me much attention, so I have been forced to fetch pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard and gallop about the lounge with them.  I even resorted to dragging 2 frozen chickens off the kitchen counter last week.  It was to be our meal the following day anyway.  The kelb was horrified I was going to consume both and the impudent creature bowled me out of the way in a most undignified manner.  Of course I wasn't about to let that go unpunished and I berated him, until finally the female Infidel lost the plot.  The shrill harpy sent us to our beds for the evening and continued to swear at her laptop, I am beginning to wonder if she has Tourettes.  Her language would make a Sailor blush!

Once the laptop was working properly again she seemed to calm down.  She claimed to have lost some very important e mail, I find it difficult to believe that anyone would entrust anything important to the old shrew.  She also lost all of her holiday snaps, so thankfully we will be spared the torment of having to view countless photos of the old shrew.  I am still peeved that she ignored me for much of last week, and have continued to fetch shoes from the cupboard and drag blankets off the couch and gnaw on her cushions.  I have also beaten up the kelb, thrown myself into the dining room window every time someone has passed by or I have seen a peasant cat on the street and skulked round looking shifty so that she has to investigate.  All of these things get her very annoyed.  The male Infidels have still not returned from their travels, it is bad enough when they are all here, but the female is the most irksome of the Infidels.

The witch bathed the kelb and I yesterday.  Of course the big fat creep jumped in and out of the bath for her.  I was not about to make it so easy, I clung onto the door frame and pulled the shower curtain down onto her head as she tried to place me into the bath.  She did not seem too amused to be wrapped in it, and when she freed herself she was sweating and gasping like a wounded Rhino.  I think this is why she then proceeded to "Furminate" me after my bath.  This can only be described as a medieval torture tool that is dragged through my coat stripping out any of the dead coat.  The female Infidel just loves this implement of torture, the kelb and I hate it.  As soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to eat it!

The buffoon of a kelb is rolling about the dining room on his back looking like a lunatic.  The female is cooing over him, making him loll about even more grinning like an imbecile.  I would never degrade myself and stoop to such a level.  The female is lucky if I throw her a disparaging look.  Will this torment ever end? 

No comments: