Friday, 23 October 2009

Day 803 of Captivity

The male Infidel and the angst ridden adolescents have returned from their vacation, finally  alleviating me from the ennui of being left alone for what seemed like an eternity with only the irksome female for company.  The male returned sporting 3rd degree burns to his legs having been vacuous enough to go to the beach minus the vat of factor 50 sun cream that the  female Infidel packed him off with.  She just hasn't been irritating enough in her scathing comments to the male about his foolishness.  Oh to be as enlightened as she!  He has spent much of the week rolling his eyes at her and keeping his legs away from my karate chopping antics.  I did manage to leap on him in  the night and lie on his crispy limbs for a minute or two, the resultant shrieks would not have shamed a castrato in their pitch and intensity and were only made more satisfying by the fact that he was unable to chase me.  

The males kindly brought back some new souvenirs for  me to distress, I have my eye on a carved Bayon head that seems to have taken up residence on their coffee table.  The look of serene smugness on all of it's four faces just asking to be gnawed.

My recent attempt at a hunger strike failed miserably, upon my discovery that as much as I try I cannot resist chips.  However, I have been keeping the Infidels awake by dry retching in the night, having only my hatred of them as sustenance (and of course a few of the aforementioned chips)!  Of course the male Infidel managed to sustain his powers of narcolepsy throughout the entire episode, much to the annoyance of the shrew.  Yet he is able to hear a tea bag being gently placed into a cup from the concrete tomb in which he slumbers, which is enough to send the female into a blind fury. 

I was forced to discipline the kelb quite harshly earlier this week, when the impudent beast attempted to steal a bit of chicken that I had discarded.  I may not have wanted to consume it but there is no way I would share even a sneer with him.  The spineless cur has not been able to meet my eye since I castigated him.  He is now sporting a chewed ear and a scratched head for his impertinence.  The female was absolutely horrified and we were both given the sharp end of her tongue (which is so sharp you could shave a rhinos bum with it!).

I am currently dropping my kong onto a glass side table in an attempt to either dislodge the hideous painted tile the female brought home from her trip, or send her into a fit of apoplexy at the thought that I might!  It is having the desired effect as I can see the veins in her neck twitching spasmodically.  Job done, I am off to my crate to sing the theme tune to the "Antiques Roadshow" over and over.  Who will crack first I wonder? Dee dee dee dee der der dee Aroooooo!

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