Sunday, 8 November 2009

Day 819 of Captivity

I haven't been able to get near the laptop for love nor money.  The female infidel has been sitting over it attempting to look intellectual and failing miserably!  I have no idea what she can be doing that requires her to hog the laptop like she has and I am not very pleased!  Apparently she has become involved in rescue and has had important things to do.  Rescue is just an infidel code word for capturing poor innocent animals and holding them against their will,  I was "rescued"!  

The female infidel wasn't very well last week and was up in the night.  She spent some time locked in the downstairs bathroom crying into the porcelain.  Whilst she was incapacitated, I followed her down and took full opportunity to create havoc by deciding to eat a pencil.  I made sure to chomp it very loudly and tittered to myself as I heard her shrieking that she was going to kill me once she was out of the bathroom.  It was even more hilarious, as she had no idea what I was chewing.  The rage was evident in the shrill bleatings emanating from the bathroom door.  I tired of the pencil and left the shredded remains on the lounge carpet for her to decipher when she had finished being feeble.  I then returned to my repose.  The old crone finally stomped back up the stairs and threw me a piercing look as she entered the bedroom, huffing and chuntering under her breath, still clearly enraged at the loss of a pencil.  Once again the male infidel managed to maintain a narcoleptic state throughout the entire episode, until the female infidel got back into bed and poked him in the ribs and began relating the sorry story to him.  She lost the plot when he lapsed back into unconsciousness mid tale, snoring like an asthmatic rhino.

Last week the female infidel invited the friend she is in cahoots with "rescuing" animals to the house.  She is a Vit, apparently that is New Zealand for Vet.  I ran around the house barking and leaping into the air sporadically, illustrating the female infidel's lack of control over me.  There is nothing better than humiliating an infidel in front of a Vit.  It was even better when they discovered that I had consumed the Vit's Raybans whilst they were all prattling on incessantly.   I left their crumpled remains on the couch for the female infidel to discover when the Vit had to leave.  The female infidel jibbered like a baboon on an electric fence when she discovered my crime.  The comedy way in which they were perched on the Vit's head as she left,  was a fitting testament to my disdain for them all.

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