Saturday, 12 December 2009

day 852 of Captivity

I have been in hiding.  The infidels and their revolting kelb have all come down with pestilence.  I have my suspicions that it is that dreadful disease born of pigs that I keep hearing about.  There is absolutely no way I wish to contract such a grim ailment, so I have been hiding out in my cell.  The infidels have been quite feeble during their affliction and have spent much of the time wallowing about the house sneezing into tissues and whimpering pathetically comparing the severity of their respective illness, whilst hacking and coughing like barking seals.  Apparently man flu is far more deadly than the pitiful strain the female had contracted.  

It really is quite objectionable.  The other day the male infidel was sneezing and wibbling into a tissue; it really was intolerable.  I overpowered him, stole the tissue and shredded it into a thousand pieces.  He was far too pathetic to even protest.  I have spent much of the week shredding tissues, and getting away with it too!  It was so bad I could barely get any sleep, every few seconds the female infidel punctuated the air with a feeble peffle followed by a sigh of agony.  If the male had not slapped her, I would have been forced to dispatch her myself!  
Thank goodness they seem to be making a recovery, as I am not sure I could take another day of it.  

This evening the female infidel was well enough to prepare a very pleasant smelling pie in between the jobs she has martyred herself to.  She left it on the kitchen counter to cool while she waltzed off to teach an English lesson (most amusing, as she can barely speak it herself!).  While she was out I decided to sample her efforts, but my most stealthy plan was thwarted by the ever present and unfortunately stealthier male infidel.  He snatched the pie away and hid it in the microwave.  Sadly I am not dexterous enough to open the door of this diabolical appliance!  It is a good job the female infidel was blissfully unaware that the male was touching her precious, she usually screams like a thrash metal singer  if anyone so much as glances in the direction of her prized white goods!

Needless to say the greedy beasts scoffed the entire pie all to themselves (with chips, I hasten to add).  Obviously they have recovered and I shall cancel my order for my funeral outfit from Harrods!  

1 comment:

Luke Leigh said...

Most amused by your latest diatribe Stella. Your observations of the female infidels linguistic ability are quite accurate. I should know....as I child I had to tolerate her comical bleating on many an occasion. My favourite phrase was however, most amusing "How the hell should I know, I am not telescopic"....I tell you, I almost died laughing.