Saturday, 24 January 2009

Day 533 of Captivity

This week I have mostly been eating spectacles:

Consumables of 2009 1 pair of sunglasses belonging to a visiting Infidel (sequestering visiting Infidels possessions always has the maximum impact and causes the most fuss!)
1 Pair of spectacles belonging to the male Infidel
1 pair of spectacles belonging to the weedy adolescent Infidel

I have relished in infuriating the female Infidel this week.  I am experiencing a "false season" at the moment, which is a great excuse to behave restlessly and partake in much skullduggery.  Pacing relentlessly about the prison, looking shifty usually results in a bout of rage from either the female who has spent much of the day supervising my pacing (she doesn't appear to trust me out of her line of sight!) or the male who is "weary from a days work".  Unfortunately this then results in solitary confinement for me.  I do glean some satisfaction from bringing them to the brink of rage at times.  I can then sit in my cell and plot my next assault.

I have managed to sequester several pairs of spectacles this week, however, I have not managed to eviscerate them thanks to the constant shadow of bore that follows me around all day in the form of the female Infidel.  Quite a frightening form she is too!  Her grating voice and tedious demeanour, she never lets me have any fun!  Every little expression of freedom is quashed.  Only this afternoon I was dragging my bedding from my crate, as I was most put out that it had been washed.  I was going to drag it through the garden and get it nice and pungent again, but oh no the shadow of bore protested as usual!  YAAAAAAAAAAAWN!

I have taken to singing along to various theme tunes on the television, much to the displeasure of the Infidels.  I can reach some really high notes as well, but as usual being completely dreary the Infidels hate it.  They say my voice pierces their ear drums!  Coming from the female, who screeches incessantly, I find this to be rather hypercritical!  Yes the tedium continues, sigh!

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Day 526 of Captivity

Consumables of 2009:  1 Satellite TV control
  1 Coaster
  1 watch strap

I like to keep my diet mixed and varied.  

I almost managed to maim the male infidel this evening.  He was throwing himself about on this new electric running machine they have bought.  I was stood at the foot of the belt contemplating what would happen if I stepped on the end during his run, when the female caught me and flapped her arms about to make me move.  They are always flapping about, it is most annoying.  I assume that my stepping on the end of the belt mid run would have had dire consequences for the male infidel, perhaps I will store this one for another day, when the pesky female is not there to interrupt me.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Day 519 of Captivity

The hairy adolescent infidel tried to kill me this evening!  I was just about to tuck into the weedy one's pudding, when he shrieked at the top of his voice and almost gave me a heart attack!  I was so shocked I almost dropped the mouthful of toffee pie I had sequestered!  I was forced to bolt my second mouthful as he began to wave his arms around in an alarming manner.  It is all rather disconcerting when one is trying to eat!

The male infidel took pity on me and gave me some of his ice cream.  This does not mean that I like him and I will continue to eviscerate his underwear wherever and whenever I find it.  

I managed to add to the kelb's already disturbed state of mind by draping myself around his neck this evening and biting a lump from the corner of his eye.  The big jesse just lay there and allowed me to maul him.  I told him to man up!  He remains hopeful that I will one day be seduced by his brawny, untalented advances.  Quite frankly I would rather be flayed alive and rolled in marmite!  GAK!  He is truly repellent!  

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Day 515 of Captivity

I have not been very well over the Christmas period, it is all the Infidels fault for leaving such niceties lying about just asking to be consumed.  As a result the evil Infidels decided to starve the kelb and I for 24 hours.  To pay them back for their callousness, I woke them in the early hours of the morning gagging, having nothing to sustain me, but my hatred of the Infidels.  It was my 2nd birthday that morning as well!

I was fed a meagre meal of gruel of raw chicken after suffering at the hands of the diabolical Infidels, hardly recompense!  I stored their monstrous behaviour to use against them later.  The opportunity arose to retaliate this evening and I regurgitated my ghastly meal of chicken onto their much prized Indian carpet.  The fun then began as the female Infidel attempted to wrestle the big fat kelb to the ground before he banqueted on my leavings.  I decided to fight the kelb just to add even more amusement to the situation.  The female was not amused and exploded into a fit of apoplexy.  The kelb astutely made his exit and let the female clean up what was left.  I was sent to the solitary confinement of my crate.

Not satisfied with my counterattack on the Infidels, I waited until they were engrossed in the television and took my opportunity for some further skullduggery.  While I was left in solitary the Infidels had dined on some nice smelling homemade herby chicken nuggets.  I thought the oil they were cooked in smelt rather good so managed a good 5 minutes drinking it.  The female Infidel was absolutely horrified when she walked in on me!  It appears that the last laugh is on me though, I am now confined to the couch with the most frightful bellyache and they don't even care that I am crying!  The male Infidel even said that it was my own fault!  Perhaps I will turn the tables and wake them at dawn with some serious wretching, see who is laughing then!