Saturday, 27 June 2009

Day 685 of Captivity

The female infidel fed us very late this morning, because instead of catering to our every desire, she spent the morning on the phone twittering on to some poor undeserving soul.  I can only imagine they were on the other end of the line sticking forks in their necks and slamming their heads repeatedly in the freezer, I know I wished I was!  FINALLY the poor victim must have made their excuses and escaped, and the gabbling fool got off the phone.  

After she fed us, to illustrate my displeasure at having to wait, I regurgitated the entire meal up onto the carpet in the lounge.  I would have liked to have been able to vomit through the blinds, but I am still practicing my projectile technique.  The repugnant kelb hearing the commotion came to investigate.  At this point the female Infidel became enraged and started roaring at us both to get out, flailing her arms at us, like a spit fire plummeting to Earth!  

I took an enormous amount of satisfaction in seeing the kelb out maneuver her in the dining room and make a run for it back into the lounge.  Once he got there he gobbled up the pile of steaming spew, whilst I roared with laughter from the safety of the kitchen.  I really thought the female Infidel would have a stroke, as she began venting her spleen.  Yes, the kelb is not so adorable now is he missy!

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Day 682 of Captivity

The female Infidel is still sulking because yesterday she had a couple of visitors.  I was already hyper before they arrived and had been performing the wall of death, much to the female Infidels horror and she rushed about the villa grabbing precious things whilst berating me.  This only made the game so much more fun and sent me into a state of euphoria.  I was in the middle of a lap of the villa when the visitors arrived.  I felt it only good manners to rush to greet them and I took a good run up and launched myself into one of them, a small elderly lady.  The female Infidel then lost the plot and banished me to my crate.  How was I to know I could have broken her hip, I was just being a good host!

Needless to say I have had to endure the most intolerable level of pouting today, and they say Salukis can sulk!  I have spent the day sleeping off the tedium of her bad temper.  

Monday, 22 June 2009

Day 680 of Captivity

The miserly Infidels have only fed me once today, claiming that because I vomited a little it was for my own good!  Faint with hunger I was forced to find my own sustenance.  I managed to intercept a cockroach and was just about to ingest it when all hell broke lose and there was a lot of shrieking and flapping of arms and wringing of hands.  I thought the hairy one was going to soil himself!  My meal was confiscated and freed (stupid Buddhists!) much to my disgust, even Papillon was allowed to eat the cockroaches.  

Imagine my glee when I learned that roast beef with all the trimmings was on the Infidels menu this evening.  I should have known the hedonistic, potbellied simians would eat it all themselves!  However, intelligence sources have confirmed that the hairy one and the strange nerdy one are off to the dentist tomorrow, hopefully their mandibles will be wired shut, leaving an opening for me and my counter surfing deftness!  Should I not perish from lack of nutrients in the night, I am reduced to chewing my own feet and the occasional nibble of the camel stool!  How the kelb survives with his body mass I do not know!

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Day 679 of Captivity

Words fail me, I have been subjected to the most intolerable cruelty.  The greedy fat male infidel has just sat and eaten an entire bag of maltesers, and despite my most pitiful looks, he didn't even spare me a crumb!  I am outraged.  I am considering chewing his notes during his next visit to the kitchen, he is working hard on his note taking for his masters, I am sure eating every other page would be due recompense for his miserly behaviour!

They had a stir fry for tea and all I managed to procure was one measly bean sprout.  I wouldn't mind, but the corpulent kelb ate that!  

I am still sulking with the kelb after his stupidity last night!  The female Infidel actually allowed us to have a raw hide chew each last night.  It has been some time since we had one, because the kelb always spoils things.  I hid mine upstairs on the landing so they would think I had eaten it, then I taunted the kelb hoping to entice him into giving his up, but he was not giving in easily and he ignored me!  I became tired of him, he does tend to bring on a feeling of malaise after just a few moments in his irksome company.  

The little sneak sidled out of the room, as soon as my back was turned, and went upstairs to retrieve the chew I had hidden.  He skipped into the room all smug with one sticking out of each side of his gormless great mouth.  He even had the audacity to gallop round the room dancing with glee and taunting me.  Needless to say I was extremely vexed and I let him have it.  The female infidel chastised ME and then confiscated the chews.  I berated the kelb for some time after they were taken and pouted at him from the couch across the room, whilst he sat gazing vacantly in the direction that the chews were last seen.  I could almost hear the air rushing around the emptiness that is his skull.  He sucks the fun right out of life!

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Day 672 of Captivity

Yesterday was the hairy infidels birthday.  The ungrateful young upstart didn't seem to appreciate my gift of warm chicken vomit that I unselfishly left on his pillow for him.  He thundered down the stairs bellowing like a bull and he called me some very unkind names!  The youth of today are just so ungrateful.  Next time I shall defecate in his slippers!

This morning the female infidel swanned off to a coffee morning on another compound, where she quaffed cakes (as if her ass isn't big enough!) and sat about all morning twittering on to any poor soul she could detain.  I can just imagine the anguish, those poor people!  The female infidel didn't even bring back a morsel for us, the greedy wench!  Myself and the kelb were left in the care of the hairy infidel and the sullen strange boy infidel.  I am still sulking about the hairy one's churlish behaviour yesterday.  To teach him a lesson, I decided I would defecate in his slippers! My generosity knows no bounds.  By the smell of them, I wasn't the first, although I couldn't name the breed from the stench, possibly Orangutan or some form of marsupial.  I am dozing on the couch awaiting the fallout when he discovers them.  

Friday, 12 June 2009

Day 670 of Captivity

The infidels went out last night to partake in an evening of drunken debauchery at the British Embassy.  They are truly scandalous and came home in the early hours of the morning in a drunken stupor, they are such heathens.  I have my suspicions that they may have eaten prohibited pig meat as well, they are just depraved enough!  

Before they went out they spent ages primping themselves.  While the female infidel was in the shower she left the clothes she was to wear out ready and her new shoes.  I have not eaten a pair of shoes in a while and thought this a good opportunity to revisit the pleasure.  I managed to chew a small hole in the side of one of her shoes while she was busy in the bathroom.  She became quite enraged when she came out of the bathroom and caught me just about to have a chew on the heels, I have never seen her move so quickly and the language was atrocious!  

Needless to say the infidels have spent much of the day in bed.  I tried to rouse them to let me out, but it was a pointless exercise.  I was left aghast when I wrapped myself up in the kilim and began chewing on the corners, the female infidel has the hearing of a fruit bat and she was out of bed quicker than a flash and issuing death threats.  She trudged down to the garden with me and became very impatient as I plodded round the garden smelling the flowers and taking  my time to enjoy the baking sun, which seemed to turn the female infidel an ashen shade.  They have not moved much today and look like death warmed up, the only thing that gets  them active is playfully jumping on their heads, they don't seem too pleased about it either!  

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Day 667 of Captivity

The vacuous kelb ate some red ants yesterday whilst inhaling his supper.  It has amused me no end, as he looks like a canine Mick Jagger!  His lips swelled right up making his head look even fatter than usual.  He has not had a good day, he was given his boosters yesterday in his back legs, so to top it off he has been walking as if the Vet left the thermometer in.  From the front he looks like Mick Jagger and from the rear he looks like John Inman.  He has been such a bore and just lay around feeling sorry for himself.  I have been forced to find my own amusement.  I spent the morning distressing the infidels camel stool and pulling out wadding from the storage in the back room and shredding it leaving a trail of destruction for the female infidel to tut over.

The male infidel cooked this evening.  As they were loading up the dishwasher I did a pre wash, I do like to do my bit.  I think the male needs to tweek his recipe, it made my tongue burn and my eyes water!  It has put me off assisting them for a time.  No doubt I shall be spending tomorrow licking my anus like a common kelb!  Damn his ham-fisted use of curry powder!

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Day 665 of Captivity

I am outraged!  The female Infidel maimed me with her cycling contraption this morning.  The foul kelb stopped to evacuate his bowels and the female infidel was most put out that I was attempting to alert her to a peasant cat encroaching on our personal space.  The sheer impudence of the grimy creature was inconceivable!  The female Infidel was attempting to pick up the kelb's leavings (a ghastly activity these Infidels perform that I have found most peculiar!)  and became quite cross as I attempted to pull the cycling contraption round so that I could dispatch the ghastly peasant cat.  She attempted to mount the cycling contraption and ignore the brute.  I jumped up and scratched her arm to bring her out of the stupour she was clearly in.  She became more determined to cycle on, there was nothing for it, I threw myself against the rear tyre in an attempt to stop the madness.  She cursed loudly and told me to stop being such an imbecile.  I am now sporting a large friction burn on my chest and a severe reprimand from the female Infidel for allegedly attempting to take her life.  She can be such a drama queen!  When I licked off all of the iodine and antiseptic cream, she even had the gall to threaten me with the cone of despair!  The abuse continues.

The kelb was supposed to be taken to the vet yesterday evening to have his boosters.  He managed to get a reprieve, as when the male Infidel came home from work he said he was far too tired for such ventures!  From what I can gather his occupation entails his sitting in a large leather chair in a big office, I cannot understand how that would be very tiring at all.  I am pretty sure by the look on the female Infidels face that she was struggling to comprehend this too.  She muttered something about being slightly put out she was unable to drive herself.  At least I think that is what the cursing meant.  

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Day 664 of Captivity

Following the ups and downs of my illness, life has returned to the dull monotony of Infidel hell that I previously existed in.  To pass the time I have been perusing the Infidels vast dvd collection.  I came across an interesting series called Prison Break, however I am not prepared to have a map of the prison tattooed onto my royal coat and I certainly don't want the kelb getting in on the plan!  He is far too vapid and his foul stench would give the game away.

I have taken to wandering nocturnally round the bedroom, occasionally bursting into song of such ear splitting pitch it would stun a thrush in mid flight.  This normally rouses the female Infidel.  I have to say she is a philistine where my singing is concerned.  Waking in the night brings out the shrew in her and she is prone to fits of apoplexy.  

To compensate for my nocturnal activity, I am prone to narcolepsy once I have assured she is awake and mobile.  I tend to spend the day languishing on the couch, shouting abuse at the occasional passing peasant, whilst the female infidel scowls menacingly from the opposite side of the room with her moronic sidekick drooling at her feet.

I have set aside The Great Escape and Escape From Alcatraz for future viewing, as Prison Break was rather disappointing.   Tattoos!  *shudder*