Monday, 27 July 2009

Day 715 of Captivity

The infidels barbarism knows no bounds!  Today I have been feeling rather energetic and spent the morning carrying out vigorous exercises in order to prevent the onset of heart disease.  The female infidel, however, did not seem amused by my acrobatic endeavours, especially as they threatened to dislodge her precious things or tat as I prefer to refer to it.  She was particularly displeased when the kelb joined in, throwing his porcine body around the villa with clear disregard to life or property, however, she too joined in careening about the villa attempting to rescue her tatty belongings from imminent destruction, all to the blood-curdling sound of The Pogues.  Needless to say I ended up in solitary confinement, with her scowling at me from across the room. 

The one highlight to the morning was when the AC repair man showed up.  The kelb, still delirious from our energetic morning, attempted to run off with his cloth and tools.  The poor man was clearly traumatised being faced with such a hideous slathering gargoyle and the kelb received a scruffing for his impudence.  The female infidel blamed me for inciting a riot!  I am scandalised, this further added to the time I had to spend in confinement.

I was finally released, but having endured the tedium of what seemed like an eternity in solitary I still felt psyched.  When the infidels sat down to gorge themselves as is there wont, I thought it a good time to alert them to the fact there were interlopers in the street.  This seemed to tip the female infidel over the edge and she returned me to the confines of my crate stating that she would like to eat one meal this week in peace and quiet.  It was most amusing when she returned to the kitchen and slipped in some of the kelb's drool and almost split in half.  I burst out laughing when she shot across the kitchen, landing hard on her back, winding herself and developing the onset of tourettes.  The kelb beat a hasty retreat.

My goodness, Allah is swift and sure these days!

Friday, 24 July 2009

Day 712 of Captivity

I was so dreadfully ill in the night on Wednesday and woke the female infidel in the early hours.  I think the kelb might have tried to have me dispatched, perhaps it would be prudent of me to employ a  food taster in future.  The neighbour's peasant cat might be a good candidate although I am not sure I trust those princes of darkness with my royal constitution!  I had to wake the female infidel 3 times to tend to me, she was in a black mood, as the male infidel seemingly slept through the entire episode, yet when she asked him whether he would like a cup of tea and some breakfast, he suddenly developed the hearing of a fruit bat.  I thought the female infidel would implode, but she took out her frustration on the crockery.

The female infidel thinks that my bout of illness was down to my greediness!  How VERY dare she!  I am the very epitome of restraint, unlike her toady, he is a walking garbage disposal unit.  I was crushed by her accusations and sulked on the couch all morning.

This morning ravaged with hunger, having only had a light meal yesterday I was forced to stoop to counter surfing in the kitchen.  This resulted in the nerdy infidel being chastised for not completing his chores and he was berated and forced to sort out the dishes.  A small recompense for having my food source whisked away.  The bonus was the nerdy one sulked and was miserable, I always get a degree of gratification out of seeing him suffer.



Monday, 20 July 2009

Day 708 of Captivity

The female infidel was throwing herself about on the running machine this morning.  For a brief moment, I did consider that it might be an enjoyable diversion to jump onto the machine whilst she was wheezing and sweating away like a rasping old hippo.  On further consideration I decided against such action, one miscalculation on my part and I could have been crushed by her gargantuan carcass!  Not quite how I pictured my glorious exit to this world!

This afternoon I dragged out the battered remains of the TV control that was stupidly abandoned in between the cushions of the couch.  I was just about to disassemble it to finally discover what is inside when the female infidel discovered me and put an end to that plan.  I was so miffed, I ate her tour guide of Istanbul with gay abandon, while she went to the lavatory.  Ha!  That will put an end to any plot she might be hatching to swan off and enjoy herself!  Find the Blue Mosque now with half a map, not that they would let you in anyway you stinky infidel!


Saturday, 18 July 2009

Day 706 of Captivity

I soon tired of attempting to entertain the uncultured infidels last evening and decided that a snooze would shut out their monotonous prattle.  I fell asleep on the couch and lapsed into a deep slumber.  The goon of a male infidel struck the fear of Allah into me, when he apparently sneezed and blew away the inhabitants of the neighbouring town!  I sat bolt upright and in my state of panic I was forced to hurl myself at the nerdy infidel who was presumptuous enough to be sat next to me on the couch.

I landed in his face and because of his puny frame, he buckled under the force of me catapulting into him and his glasses flew off.  I eventually managed to gain a foothold on his capacious head and I scrabbled on to freedom, leaving the jelly-headed youth gibbering on the couch, whilst the infidels collapsed in peals of laughter at his predicament.  They are as cruel to their young as they are to their captives.  I actually felt sympathy for him for a fleeting moment, but the feeling passed as I spotted my favourite ball on the carpet.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Day 705 of Captivity

The tedium of living with these wretched infidels continues to bore me to tears.  I have been so consumed with languor, I decided to entertain myself with a spot of singing this evening.  This seemed to gall the infidels as they were trying to watch Star Trek at the time.  A story about a fat elderly man who resides on a space ship and apparently females are powerless to resist his geriatric charms.  It is a very dated movie anyway and my singing is much more engaging.  I had to sing very loud to drown out the surround sound in their movie machine, but I am proud to say I reached some notes I didn't know were possible.  The boorish infidels of course did not appreciate my musical talents and insinuated that they would rather gouge at their ears with a cheese grater and rub their tattered remains with lemons than listen to another note!

Yesterday I had to suffer the indignity of being bundled into my crate for several hours, whilst the voracious infidels went out to a restaurant to stuff their porcine faces!  I tormented the kelb by singing tribal songs of my youth to him for two hours.  He seemed absolutely delighted to see the infidels on their return and when they released me from my cell the malodorous creature attempted to bite my face off!  I almost fainted from the stench of his fetid breath and had to wash my face several times to remove his putridness from my coat.  It was truly ghastly! 

The male infidel gave us a small amount of chicken this afternoon, his idea of a little snack.  On inspection I made the grisly discovery that he had attempted to feed me a chicken's derriere!  I didn't even protest when the greedy kelb pilfered my portion, and took a great amount of satisfaction in watching the halfwitted creature scoff it down as if it were the best caviar.   He truly is an imbecile and the male Infidel is a scoundrel!

I shall continue with my singing later when the infidels attempt to retire for the evening, I am sure they will appreciate my dulcet tones.  That will teach them to try and poison me with a chicken's bum!  Royalty does not chew on the toilet parts of animals, unlike dissolute kelbs!

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Day 693 of Captivity

This morning I was subjected to a most barbaric attack from the bellicose kelb!  I was in the lounge when I heard an insolent fowl goading  me from the garden.  I at once leapt into the affray and took off running, only to be squashed by the corpulent kelb in his headlong lurch towards the door.  The churlish creature jostled past me and I was flung unceremoniously into the refuse receptacle, at which point I landed hard and almost shattered my spine!  

I shrieked in agony and when no one came to my assistance, was forced to drag my battered frame back into the lounge.  I held up my disfigured leg, so the female infidel could know that her toady had physically crippled me.  She made a contemptible effort to placate me, but I was overwrought and took to my crate for the rest of the morning.  I shall seek retribution once I regain the strength in my withered limb.  I have spent the afternoon chewing my nails into sharp points, which I shall insert into the kelb's ears until he cries.  Vengeance shall be mine!

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Day 692 of Captivity

I actually reduced the strange nerdy Infidel to a sniveling heap yesterday afternoon.  He had a small memory card in his pocket and just before he went to the bathroom he dropped it onto the floor.  I was going to alert him, but thought it would be much more pleasurable to chew it to tiny fragments.  I was right, it was indeed pleasurable and made more so when he realised and burst into tears.  I felt utter jubilation when  the female infidel then berated not me, but the nerdy one, for having left it lying about, because after all he should know what I am like.  I lay on the sofa opposite and smirked at him as he sat sullenly throwing me the odd surly look.  I thought the nerdy one would implode, as I moved over to him and lay my head on his lap, smirking up at him.  He looked positively wretched!

It was a different story this morning when I stole an English muffin from the back of the kitchen counter and ate it.  The  male infidel raged at me this morning, something about having to drive 8 hours just to get them.  Perhaps they shouldn't have been so reckless with their valuables in future, after all they know what I am like!  I believe the nerdy one felt vindicated, a small sacrifice on my part.