Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Day 779 of Captivity

The female Infidel has gone too far this time!  She has obviously been scheming for some time and she has come up with a plot to sabotage me, one of such cunning I never thought she had it in her.  

She rearranged the furniture in the lounge a couple of days ago.  It has been done in such a way, I can no longer skulk in the dining room undetected, or behind the console table chewing the cables because it has been moved, I cannot climb all over the back of the couches and I am unable to lie in the window shouting and engaging in a spot of banter with the gardeners or the binmen.  In fact it is very difficult for me to look out of the window  in the lounge at all, because the console table is in front of it and I can no longer loaf on the back of the couch whilst I am doing it and am forced to stand looking like a common kelb.  I am outraged!  The old crone doesn't even have to get off the couch to find out what I am up to when skulking round.  The only safe haven left is the kitchen and it is so boring in there, because the old miser hides any contraband in cupboards and fridges.  I suffer enough malaise just residing with these hairless clowns and now any possible entertainment has been shut down.  She has reached a whole new level of cruelty!

The old shrew returned from her vacation with a head cold and a chest infection.  She has been looking feeble for days and taking various medications in an attempt to shift it.  The males were all very unsympathetic when she returned and told her to stay away, as they were due to go away on holiday.  

Yesterday, after feeding us an insipid meal of gruel of chicken, she went in the shower and left the kelb and I in the bedroom lying on our chairs.  She left the door to the en suite open so she could keep her beady eyes on our activity.  I lay on my chair looking the picture of sweetness and light.  I have spent the entire day chuckling to myself.  Happy in the knowledge we were quiet and behaving she showered.  During her shower I vomited my meal of chicken in amongst the scatter cushions on her bed.  She must be deaf as a post with this cold, because she didn't hear a thing.  I lay back in my chair and when she emerged from her shower and got dressed she called us to follow her downstairs, not seeming to care that the bed was ever so slightly disheveled.  

It was just delightful to see the look of sheer horror and revulsion when she discovered my grisly deed later on that evening when we went to bed.  I have never heard such language!  It would put a docker to shame.  She did not seem amused to be scrubbing the wet marks off the mattress late in the evening and we all had to sleep in the weedy Infidel's room while the bed dried out.  It smells of adolescent in there and feet.  

She hasn't moved the furniture back this morning, in fact she seems to be taking even more pleasure out of my dissatisfaction today!  She truly is the epitome of evil!

Friday, 25 September 2009

Day 775 of Captivity

Oh kill me now!  The shadow of bore has returned!  She deigned to bring me some manky toys from her travels, I have subsequently obliterated them to show my disdain for her meagre offerings, it is hardly recompense for her abandonment of her duties.  I also shredded the kelb's just to upset him.  

He has been like a lost sheep all week, moping about pathetically, crestfallen and close to tears.  Since the return of the female Infidel he has been overjoyed and she cannot move without him accompanying her just in case she manages to sneak out again.  He almost breaks his neck to follow her, it is really quite contemptible!  I enjoyed a week of doing as I please without the miserable old shrew on my back all day; the males are far more laid back and seemed to concentrate their efforts on telling the puling kelb to "sod off".  

I managed to sequester a box of Paracetamol earlier, plotting to put them in the crone's tea, but the male Infidel mistook my theft as an attempt at self harm!  He was rightly horrified.  I shall miss the old hippy when he goes off on his travels tomorrow, especially as he is taking the adolescents with him and leaving me with the shrew for three whole weeks!  Hopefully he will bring back an offering befitting my status on his return.  I hear that the jade is very beautiful from that part of the world.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Day 765 of Captivity

Yes!  I am getting rid of the shadow of bore that is the female Infidel for a whole week.  She is heading off for a holiday tomorrow and leaving the kelb and I in the care of the male Infidels.  This is great, because the males are such pushovers and are powerless to resist my fluttering eyelashes and astonishing good looks.  They are not as relentless as the old shrew, although I have to admit the hairy one can be a bit of a tyrant when he is in a hormone induced rage.  I am also so looking forward to the male Infidel attempting to cycle with us; the female is very adept these days, it will be fun to have some new blood to toy with.  I am prepared to wager that by the end of the first day, he will be covered in pooh (having fallen off) and reverting to pedestrian methods of exercising us.

The kelb, however, does not seem to be as overjoyed as me that his beloved patron is leaving him.  He has been pouting on the couch ever since he clapped eyes on her suitcase and he won't even sit with her.  The big twit looks close to tears!  I am too of course, but mine are tears of joy and elation!  I won't have to listen to the rasping tones of her scolding me for some minor infraction or other.  I think it is brilliant and it can't come around fast enough!

She was very selfish when packing her bags to leave and kept everything out of the way.  She would not let me assist her.  I believe that there is some very important documentation in one of her bags, but the miserable bat has put the bag on top of a cupboard well out of my reach.  I was hoping to have a ferret about in this bag, but she is taking no chances.  All I have managed to abscond with is a rather large and tired old pair of pants, I am sure I have saved her much embarrassment by snatching them!   Her wardrobe like her hairstyle could do with being brought into the fifteenth century.  

I am taunting the kelb by singing "Leaving on a jet plane", he will be reduced to a snivelling wreck (well more of a snivelling wreck) before the night is out.  Oh what fun I will have with him, now that his protector is out of the picture for at least a week.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Day 757 of Captivity

The female Infidel did not seem too amused when she emerged from her shower to discover the tattered remains of what was once a bowl of wicker balls strewn about the bedroom carpet and her bed.  The kelb not wanting to be thought guilty of the crime had retreated to his own bed and was looking disgusted with me.  I think that she should thank her lucky stars that she did not emerge to the tattered remains of her mobile, it was just too high for me to reach!

The kelb has been getting on my last nerve today.  He has all the world to lie in, but he insists on parking his fetid carcass right next to me.  I don't even like him, he disgusts me!  I think he is either a cretin of the first degree or a masochist, he doesn't even move when I bite him, a sacrifice on my part as he is truly putrid and tastes of feet.  

The female Infidel has been for a haircut today, as it was starting to resemble a crash helmet.  She returned looking like a tactically shaved orangutan.  I cannot see the point in this exercise, but then I am not a vain person!  I am naturally blessed with good looks and perfect fur which is more than can be said for the miscreants who infest this hell hole.  Not a decent haircut amongst them!  

Friday, 4 September 2009

Day 754 of Captivity

I cannot believe it!  The female Infidel didn't even bother to get any meat out of the freezer for us last night.  Instead we were forced to dine on a paltry meal of tuna and pasta.  I forced it down, only because I was half-starved not having been fed since yesterday!  I cannot believe that she would forget!  The service around here is deplorable!  Even the kelb looked dismayed when he saw her feeble offering, but of course he gulped it down and hoped that he could muscle in on my meal.

Having only been fed a pitiful meal, I was forced to resort to counter surfing for sustenance.  However, anything nice that I might have dined on had been put into a diabolical Infidel invention called Tupperware.  Damn evolution for not giving me opposable digits!  Surely even in the wild these would have been useful for twisting the heads off peasant cats and other vile vermin!  I am now concentrating very hard in the hope that I may manifest thumbs in the night.