Friday, 23 October 2009

Day 803 of Captivity

The male Infidel and the angst ridden adolescents have returned from their vacation, finally  alleviating me from the ennui of being left alone for what seemed like an eternity with only the irksome female for company.  The male returned sporting 3rd degree burns to his legs having been vacuous enough to go to the beach minus the vat of factor 50 sun cream that the  female Infidel packed him off with.  She just hasn't been irritating enough in her scathing comments to the male about his foolishness.  Oh to be as enlightened as she!  He has spent much of the week rolling his eyes at her and keeping his legs away from my karate chopping antics.  I did manage to leap on him in  the night and lie on his crispy limbs for a minute or two, the resultant shrieks would not have shamed a castrato in their pitch and intensity and were only made more satisfying by the fact that he was unable to chase me.  

The males kindly brought back some new souvenirs for  me to distress, I have my eye on a carved Bayon head that seems to have taken up residence on their coffee table.  The look of serene smugness on all of it's four faces just asking to be gnawed.

My recent attempt at a hunger strike failed miserably, upon my discovery that as much as I try I cannot resist chips.  However, I have been keeping the Infidels awake by dry retching in the night, having only my hatred of them as sustenance (and of course a few of the aforementioned chips)!  Of course the male Infidel managed to sustain his powers of narcolepsy throughout the entire episode, much to the annoyance of the shrew.  Yet he is able to hear a tea bag being gently placed into a cup from the concrete tomb in which he slumbers, which is enough to send the female into a blind fury. 

I was forced to discipline the kelb quite harshly earlier this week, when the impudent beast attempted to steal a bit of chicken that I had discarded.  I may not have wanted to consume it but there is no way I would share even a sneer with him.  The spineless cur has not been able to meet my eye since I castigated him.  He is now sporting a chewed ear and a scratched head for his impertinence.  The female was absolutely horrified and we were both given the sharp end of her tongue (which is so sharp you could shave a rhinos bum with it!).

I am currently dropping my kong onto a glass side table in an attempt to either dislodge the hideous painted tile the female brought home from her trip, or send her into a fit of apoplexy at the thought that I might!  It is having the desired effect as I can see the veins in her neck twitching spasmodically.  Job done, I am off to my crate to sing the theme tune to the "Antiques Roadshow" over and over.  Who will crack first I wonder? Dee dee dee dee der der dee Aroooooo!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Day 787 of Captivity

I haven't managed to post much recently, because the fatuous female Infidel broke the laptop last week.  I think you have to be some kind of special to break a Mac, but it seems the female has won her spot on the sunshine coach!  She spent much of last week either swearing at it or threatening it with violence.  It is repaired now, but no thanks to the old crone, she had to call on the help of a techy type, I think they are referred to as geeks.  He seemed most amused at the level of stupidity displayed by the female Infidel, while she prattled on about how the laptop came to be in such a state of disrepair he seemed to be choking down hysterics.  

The female Infidel has spent much of her time tied to the laptop attempting to collect her e mail from 2006!  All the while she has been intolerable.  She hasn't paid me much attention, so I have been forced to fetch pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard and gallop about the lounge with them.  I even resorted to dragging 2 frozen chickens off the kitchen counter last week.  It was to be our meal the following day anyway.  The kelb was horrified I was going to consume both and the impudent creature bowled me out of the way in a most undignified manner.  Of course I wasn't about to let that go unpunished and I berated him, until finally the female Infidel lost the plot.  The shrill harpy sent us to our beds for the evening and continued to swear at her laptop, I am beginning to wonder if she has Tourettes.  Her language would make a Sailor blush!

Once the laptop was working properly again she seemed to calm down.  She claimed to have lost some very important e mail, I find it difficult to believe that anyone would entrust anything important to the old shrew.  She also lost all of her holiday snaps, so thankfully we will be spared the torment of having to view countless photos of the old shrew.  I am still peeved that she ignored me for much of last week, and have continued to fetch shoes from the cupboard and drag blankets off the couch and gnaw on her cushions.  I have also beaten up the kelb, thrown myself into the dining room window every time someone has passed by or I have seen a peasant cat on the street and skulked round looking shifty so that she has to investigate.  All of these things get her very annoyed.  The male Infidels have still not returned from their travels, it is bad enough when they are all here, but the female is the most irksome of the Infidels.

The witch bathed the kelb and I yesterday.  Of course the big fat creep jumped in and out of the bath for her.  I was not about to make it so easy, I clung onto the door frame and pulled the shower curtain down onto her head as she tried to place me into the bath.  She did not seem too amused to be wrapped in it, and when she freed herself she was sweating and gasping like a wounded Rhino.  I think this is why she then proceeded to "Furminate" me after my bath.  This can only be described as a medieval torture tool that is dragged through my coat stripping out any of the dead coat.  The female Infidel just loves this implement of torture, the kelb and I hate it.  As soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to eat it!

The buffoon of a kelb is rolling about the dining room on his back looking like a lunatic.  The female is cooing over him, making him loll about even more grinning like an imbecile.  I would never degrade myself and stoop to such a level.  The female is lucky if I throw her a disparaging look.  Will this torment ever end?