Monday, 28 December 2009

Day 865 of Captivity

As if the kelb was not already ghastly enough, the great twit not satisfied with his gruel of chicken, ate a bee today.  He now resembles a canine Mick Jagger and looks positively miserable.  One just cannot believe that any creature could be as dull-witted as him!  The male infidel rushed outside believing he was being killed, as the kelb shrieked like a mob of little girls.  His nose quickly inflated to the canine version of Gerard Depardieu, as I stood in the kitchen doorway scoffing at his lunacy.  All in all a good start to the day.

Bored out of my mind I decided to seek my own entertainment, because any wrestling attempts with the kelb have been thwarted by the irksome infidels.  He has spent much of the day nursing his injured snout and looking wretched.  Even the male infidel has ignored my advances and attempts to engage him in play, as he is allegedly "studying".  This involves him sitting on the couch bent over his laptop whilst watching as many DVDs as he can fit into an afternoon.  What on earth he is studying is anyone's guess!  He is obviously taking a masters degree in second rate movies.  The female infidel did not seem amused when she returned from work this afternoon, stating that she had only gone in this week to allow him the time to study.  I fear if she comes home one more time this week and discovers him in front of a movie, he will spend the rest of his life studying hospital food and nursing a similar nose to that which the kelb is sporting today.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Day 864 of Captivity

Thank goodness another Christmas season is finally over!  I cannot bear another day of festive bilge!  The adolescent infidels seemed most excited by their gift this year.  A bizarre machine that requires them to stand in front of the television pulling the most horrifying faces whilst flapping about with remote controls pretending to bowl or play darts.  I really can't see the fun in it, nor understand why they don't simply go bowling!  I was most amused when the kelb ran in front of the television during a "baseball game" only to be clobbered round his great thick head by the hairy infidel psychotically wielding a remote with his tongue out and looking like he was out without his carer.  I think he was actually quite glad to see the back of the infidels today after that.

The infidels didn't even bother to spend Christmas dinner with the kelb and I, we found ourselves once again stuck in front of the television listening to tedious tweedy people droning on about their "exciting finds".  The Infidels in the meantime went out to visit friends and quaff copious amounts of food, before subsequently falling asleep in front of the television.  I was most unimpressed, as Christmas day is a most prestigious counter surfing event.  I was even more aggrieved when the infidels returned full of cheer and regaling tales of the wonderful food they had consumed without us.  Blighters!

Yesterday presented many counter surfing opportunities.  The infidels invited many of their infidel friends over to the house and the female infidel spent much of the day concocting all kinds of dishes which she then spread out on the dining room table and expected me not to sample!  The dishes were heavily guarded during the day and I only managed to swipe 2 sausage rolls and some toasted bread which had I waited were spread with prawn cocktail!  Every time the doorbell rang I took the opportunity to swipe some contraband off the table.  By the time all the guests arrived I was feeling quite full!  Never one to turn down a challenge, I spent much of the evening consuming prawn cocktail, tuna sarnies and the most sumptuous sausage rolls.  I even overpowered a guest and took her sausage roll, much to the horror of the onlooking infidels.  The female infidel apoligised and told her that I was evil!

Another years frivolities over and another year dawning in captivity. Let us hope that 2010 brings with it freedom!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

day 852 of Captivity

I have been in hiding.  The infidels and their revolting kelb have all come down with pestilence.  I have my suspicions that it is that dreadful disease born of pigs that I keep hearing about.  There is absolutely no way I wish to contract such a grim ailment, so I have been hiding out in my cell.  The infidels have been quite feeble during their affliction and have spent much of the time wallowing about the house sneezing into tissues and whimpering pathetically comparing the severity of their respective illness, whilst hacking and coughing like barking seals.  Apparently man flu is far more deadly than the pitiful strain the female had contracted.  

It really is quite objectionable.  The other day the male infidel was sneezing and wibbling into a tissue; it really was intolerable.  I overpowered him, stole the tissue and shredded it into a thousand pieces.  He was far too pathetic to even protest.  I have spent much of the week shredding tissues, and getting away with it too!  It was so bad I could barely get any sleep, every few seconds the female infidel punctuated the air with a feeble peffle followed by a sigh of agony.  If the male had not slapped her, I would have been forced to dispatch her myself!  
Thank goodness they seem to be making a recovery, as I am not sure I could take another day of it.  

This evening the female infidel was well enough to prepare a very pleasant smelling pie in between the jobs she has martyred herself to.  She left it on the kitchen counter to cool while she waltzed off to teach an English lesson (most amusing, as she can barely speak it herself!).  While she was out I decided to sample her efforts, but my most stealthy plan was thwarted by the ever present and unfortunately stealthier male infidel.  He snatched the pie away and hid it in the microwave.  Sadly I am not dexterous enough to open the door of this diabolical appliance!  It is a good job the female infidel was blissfully unaware that the male was touching her precious, she usually screams like a thrash metal singer  if anyone so much as glances in the direction of her prized white goods!

Needless to say the greedy beasts scoffed the entire pie all to themselves (with chips, I hasten to add).  Obviously they have recovered and I shall cancel my order for my funeral outfit from Harrods!