Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Day 1137 of Captivity

The old shrew has really upped the ante when it comes to tormenting me!  A few weeks ago she actually invited the Vee Ee Tee to dinner!  Has she completely lost her mind?! He came along with his family, which consisted of a wife and a little tiny terrorist in the form of a small boy.  I of course took to my crate in absolute horror that she would bring the nefarious evil doer to our home.  Every time I see that man, he either stabs me or pokes me around. I think his visit was the first time that I have been in his presence and not been tortured.  That is probably only because I glared at him from behind the safety of my crate door.  He seemed to find this rather amusing!  The kelb actually has a crate of his own now, but he seems reluctant to use it.  Being on the same intellectual level as plankton, he decided to interact with the Vee Ee Tee and even wagged his tail and was welcoming!  I spent much of the afternoon guffawing as the tiny terrorist was velcroed to the kelb, and following in his father's footsteps attempted on may occasions to do a full dental inspection of the kelb and also seemed to believe there was something wrong with his eyes which required poking out of them.  The kelb looked forlorn at the attentions of this small boy but being the idiot he is, he just put up with it.  The female infidel on occasion saved him when she felt the inspections were going a little too far.  I think these miniature human off spring are rather like small out of control drunk people and best avoided at all costs.  The only good thing about the entire sorry affair was that the female infidel had only pushed my door to, thinking that I would join them in my own time.  I did!  Just as the Vee Ee Tee and his family were leaving to go home.  I snuck out of my crate and into the kitchen where I consumed as much of the left overs as I possibly could before they realised what i was up to.  I gave myself indigestion eating two pies at once at great speed.  It is the only way one can obtain anything delicious in this God forsaken house!

Once again we are in that awful time of year where the infidels go into Pagan over drive with all their strange festivals and rituals.  It all started at the weekend with Halloween.  The compound becomes filled with small people dressed in the most dreadful costumes and they go from house to house and try to obtain candy from the residents.  They got a surprise when they came to our house, and I have to give the kelb kudos for his efforts at joining in the festivities by barking like a deranged hell hound.  He actually managed to drool and bark simultaneously resembling Kujo.  He scared them all away as a shower of flip flops rained down on us and they all screamed in anguish.  The female infidel looked rather deflated as she stood on the doorstep beaming with her bowl of candy in hand.  She could not understand why we were unable to give any away this year.  Neither could her fetid toady the kelb.

We have the joy of bonfire night to look forward to this coming weekend.  This is rather a horrific affair during which the infidels burn an old man on a large fire, whilst letting off miniature pyrotechnics.  The infidels all shriek with glee as the poor old man disintegrates into a pile of ashes.  I am not sure where they get their old men from, but I have to say they are very brave, last year he never even screamed once despite being thrown onto a raging inferno.  All through this strange event the infidels stuff hot dogs and burgers into their fat greasy jowls.  This festivity also includes eating something called Parkin, which has the same consistency as something the kelb has passed and is almost impossible to chew.  The kelb spends much of the evening having a melt down as the sky is filled with bangs and glowing flashes while the female feebly attempts to pacify him.

Last year not five minutes after the "festival of fire" the female infidel became extremely excited on her way home from an errand, as she discovered that the recreation centre had erected their Christmas tree!  She took this as a sign that we must follow suit and spent the rest of the day festooning the house in as much gold paper and raffia as she could lay her hands on at such short notice while the rest of the family looked on as if she had finally lost her mind.  She also put up her monstrosity of a Christmas tree complete with its garish embellishments.  She refused any assistance from me whilst erecting this excrescence.  Several hours passed and eventually she emerged looking battle weary and on the verge of hysteria as she gathered all the other infidels to behold her efforts and praise them on pain of death.  Any effort on my part to contribute to this insane activity are always rejected.  They point blank refused last year to adorn the tree with my festive excreta complete with little bits of spangly tinsel I had eaten during her energetic outburst of festive mayhem.  My warm chicken centre piece was vigorously rejected on the grounds that it was disgusting!  The same can be said of the Fairy that adorns the top of the evergreen nightmare that adorns the corner of our lounge each year.  A truly demented vision of an angel, which the female infidel "cleverly" fashioned from an old toilet roll and some netting.  One would never guess!

No doubt the weeks ahead will consist of the female infidel attempting to play every Christmas song in existence as she sits in the kitchen fashioning Christmas cards from bits of felt and glitter for her poor unsuspecting friends, who always smile politely and no doubt deposit them in the garbage receptacle as soon as they get to the safety of their homes.  I can barely contain my excitement at the prospect!

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Day 1105 of Captivity

I haven't been able to get close to a computer in weeks, the infidels seem to be plotting something. They are constantly huddled around laptops muttering excitedly for hours.  I have no idea what machinations those fiends have in mind, but I am sure I am not going to like it.  Anyway, I have finally managed to prize the old shrew off her laptop, so that I can update you all on the latest atrocities that I have endured under the regime of the evil infidels.

The female infidel continues to be an intolerant shrew.  Last week she was preparing a sandwich and there was a box containing half a kilo of pastrami on the counter next to her.  It smelt divine and I couldn't help myself, she is too tightfisted to have allowed me a morsel, so I decided to just take a slice.  Unfortunately when I leapt up onto the counter to take one, she startled me and I grabbed the entire contents of the box.  I was forced to consume it on the run as she shrieked at me and called me a greedy mare!  I could have contracted heart burn!  She did not seem amused by my endeavors and unfortunately she was even less amused when the result was that I once again suffered with an upset stomach as a result of too much pepper on the pastrami.  If she had only let me have one slice this would never have been a problem.

The female infidel is entirely lacking in any level of humour.  A friend of hers payed her a visit recently and instead of focussing on me and how stunningly beautiful and exciting I am, they stood in the kitchen twittering over a cup of tea.  The female infidel kept on occasionally poking her accusing head around the kitchen door to see what I was up to, because she seems to get very unnerved if I am too quiet.  (There is no pleasing some people!).  Not wishing to disappoint her, once she became complacent, I snuck upstairs and stole a toilet roll from the adolescent infidel's bathroom and proceeded to shred it with gay abandon, all the way down the stairs into the lounge and across the couch.  The look of horror on the old bat's face was truly priceless as she poked her head around the door expecting to still see me napping on the couch.   Her friend seemed to find it funny, even if the miserable old female infidel did not.  She snatched up the shredded paper, chastising me and telling me I am not the Andrex dog, well thank goodness for he is a kelb!

The hilarity continued yesterday, when the kelb and I went out to the garden in the morning to use the toilet area I raced him back up the stairs and stole his bed.  Neither the infidels nor their fetid kelb seemed amused by this, making it all the more funny.  I made myself comfortable on his bed while he sat in front of me looking forlorn.  The female infidel tried to encourage me to move, so I pouted at her, showing my disdain.  The kelb eventually squashed himself into my little chair and looked extremely uncomfortable, so I stretched out as long as I could on his bed to let him know that I was perfectly fine.  The female infidel was not amused and called the kelb to lie on her bed with her.  We are never allowed on there, so the kelb made himself comfortable and blew raspberries at me!  I decided to sleep and ignore their smugness.  I believe that even in sleep I managed to scowl at them.

The cycling contraption seems to have been out of commission for some time and the female infidel has been walking us on a leash by foot.  It has been an excellent opportunity for the kelb and I to attempt to dislocate her shoulders.  Several weeks ago a peasant cat dared to engage us in combat.  The female infidel was quite incensed by the situation.  The cheeky creature actually dared to scratch my nose which resulted in the witch doctor administering her first aid so I was not happy at all!  The female infidel tried everything to send the prince of darkness on its way, she threw water at it, stamped her feet and yelled, but we were so engaged in combat that the stupid creature did not seem to care, until that is the female infidel in a fit of pique threw a tennis ball at it.  She caught it clean in the head and how laughed as it beat a hasty retreat.  She has since taken to carrying a pocket full of rocks and on several occasions since, the vapid creature has attempted to launch a further attack on us, only to be stoned by the female infidel. She has gone up in my estimations since, she has finally realised that cats are peasant creatures and should be killed.  She really doesn't like this particular cat.  It made an unsuccessful attempt to attack us again this morning, if only the female infidel would release me I would dispatch it with glee.  She prefers to practice her shot putting techniques and this morning she threw a boulder at the feral creature.  I was briefly in awe of her!   Sadly she missed, but it was enough to stop the nefarious creature in his tracks.  The hairy infidel has been walking with us recently and he isn't quite as assertive as the female infidel, in my excitement to get to the peasant cat, I leapt up and scratched the hairy infidel down his trunk, sending him into a black mood for the rest of the walk.

I am off to trawl through the history on the female's laptop to see if I can discover what their evil plot is all about.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Day 1055 of Captivity

It has been all go around here! The female infidel recently took in a young blind Saluki cross puppy, she had this insane idea that having a puppy to mother would help to settle my hormones! She really couldn't have timed it better, I had a pseudo season during his stay. Quite frankly, I don't have a maternal bone in my body! Puppies are irritating little creatures and he was half kelb! The very idea that a Saluki would sully themselves in such a way just beggars belief. I soon tired of the cheeky young upstart, when he thought it was fun to chew my tail. I can quite understand why some animals consume their young! They just take up too much of your time and take the limelight away from you! Everyone coos and burbles over them. Granted, infidels coo and burble much of the time, it was hard to tell the difference.

Thankfully he only stayed a short while and she was able to find him a home. Life has returned to the usual tedium but the female infidel is back to my beck and call. I spent much of the time he was staying pacing round restlessly; it almost drove the female infidel to the brink of insanity. Particularly when these pacing episodes were carried out during the wee hours of the morning. (tee hee)

The only bonus to having the puppy around was that the kelb was completely terrified of him. One evening he was trapped in the laundry room, because said pup was stood in front of him. He is such a buffoon, he towered over the puppy and could have crushed him in the wink of an eye, but being the great girl that he is, averted his eyes and looked extremely worried (I have taught him this is a requirement when standing in front of a Saluki, so perhaps the half breed confused him. He isn't blessed in the brains department!). The female infidel had to come and save him from the peril of being stared at by a tiny weeny puppy, who was blind!

Of course it was up to me to teach the young upstart any manners. Not chewing my tail seemed to be a lesson he struggled to learn. He was such a drama queen when I severely scruffed him for it. The female infidel said I was far too harsh! I have seen her savage her offspring on many an occasion. Smacks rather of the pot calling the kettle to me!

Now that the puppy has gone I have been able to return to my role as "Undisputed Counter Surfing Champion, KSA". (C'mon dispute me; I dare you!) Just the other day the infidels baked a key lime pie. They put it on the counter and turned to get some plates out. The pie, baked with love and still warm was too good to resist, I decided to help myself much to their horror. The male infidel shouted at me, I snorted at him and continued to eat, he didn't seem to find this very acceptable especially as I only ate the meringue. Last night I was able to abscond with a garlic naan; the male infidel thought that the usual flapping of arms would convince me to drop my contraband, but I found it much more entertaining to eat on the hoof and made him chase me round the dining table, until I came down with a case of heartburn. I regretted this act at 3 am when I found myself crapping like a goose in the garden, under the harsh glare of the female infidel. She also strongly objected to my skiing round the lounge carpet post pooing! She is such a drag.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Day 1030 of Captivity

Allah save me!  The female infidel has embarked on some sort of canine first aid course.  I have spent the past month enduring the insufferable indignity of being restrained, poked, prodded and splinted.  I can only thank my lucky stars that the temperature section did not advise the use of rectal thermometers in the home!  I thought I may have to consume that chapter.  I found having my ear bandaged most objectionable!  I seem to be the target for most of her insane activities whilst she studies this subject, apparently I am a more challenging dog than the buffoon of a kelb. Probably because unlike that dull-witted nincompoop I strongly object to being slowly tortured to death by a cacky fingered old wanna be witch doctor.  Even if I was dying, I would not be calling on the "expertise" of that old shrew to save me!    

In order to avoid her advances, I have taken to hiding away in my crate whenever I see her approaching me with a look of grim determination on her face.  That look generally means I will end the afternoon looking like I belong in a sarcophagus!  I believe she intends on doing a canine aggression course next, I will be mightily glad to assist her with her studies of this one!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Day 995 of Captivity

I expect you all foolishly thought that the infidels had finally turned over a new leaf and begun to treat me like the Queen I am.  No such luck!  I haven't managed to document my plight recently, because the female infidel has been going to work and her treasured laptop is strictly out of bounds in her absence.  I hated her going to work, not because I like her of course, but because she is more attentive than the other infidels.  I was left in the "care" of the adolescent hairy one and the emo in her absence and am lucky to not have died from the dullness of spending the days in their inane company.   They were far too busy "studying" or playing feeble minded video games to notice me.

The kelb almost drove me to distraction moping around in the absence of his beloved companion.  I spent much of the day crying, not because I missed the female, but because I was so consumed with ennui at my circumstances and it grated on the adolescents last nerve.  Not that juveniles are known for their patience!  An added bonus to this was that when the teenaged infidels imparted this detail to the female, she became wracked with guilt for having abandoned me to this torment.  

The adolescents enjoyed spending much of the day giving chase whenever I absconded with the tea towels from the kitchen or the female infidel's shoes.  It gave them some exercise and prevented them from further becoming couch potatoes.  The hairy infidel was prone to the odd fit of rage, and tended to vent his spleen after the umpteenth time of chasing me, but I believe this to be quite normal of adolescent ones.  

The weather has been ghastly!  We have experienced some dreadful storms, one which took out the satellite dish and much of the garden.  The infidels have expected that I should still wish to use the outdoors as a bathroom, whilst the rain has been coming down like stair rods!  I should rather risk renal collapse than go out in such dreadful weather.  They have attempted to cajole and coax me into such madness, I have simply glared at them through the back door and made sure to leave them out in the murky weather, hopeful that I should join them and urinate out there.  I'd like to see them try and poo in a force 9 gale! At one point I feared they would wring me out, threats were made, tantrums were thrown and eventually I had to yield to their lunacy.  The kelb was just as reluctant to pander to their requests and he cowered in the doorway afraid that the lightening would strike him down (which I assured him it would. Ha!).

 It has been threatening to rain again this evening, so before the infidels embarked on another campaign of madness to coax me out into the garden, I managed to gain access to the hairy infidel's room and relieve myself on his carpet.  I didn't think anyone would notice, given that it smells like sassquatch's lair in there anyway, but I was caught in the act and once again the hairy one broke into an epic and boring rant. 

The female infidel has finally seen the light and realised that she belongs at home pandering to my every whim, rather than in the work place pandering to the whims of other lesser mortals.  She is back at home again and I am making sure she suffers for her faux pas.  It was recently her birthday and the male infidel bought her a Blackberry.  It has been most amusing to watch the sausage fingered cretin attempt to use such a dainty instrument to message her cronies.  She has spent many a day standing in the living room swearing like a docker, clutching her new piece of technology  with a look of grim determination in her eyes as she attempts to use the item in her usual ham fisted manner.  I am not sure what possessed the male infidel to imagine that she could master such a device.  So far she has managed to keep it out of my reach, but I am a patient creature, and the time will come she leaves it unattended, and I shall take my revenge for her having abandoned me for the best part of a month!  She is often seen sitting in a chair stroking it and giggling fiendishly, whispering to her "precious".  I am sure it will taste all the more divine knowing that it will completely ruin her day if I eat it.  Her precious shall be mine!  Mwahahahahaha!

Life has returned to the usual drudgery of the shrill harpy squashing every little expression of freedom, but she is back at home and I can once again torment her.  All is as it should be again.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Day 946 of Captivity

The infidels are very pleased with themselves indeed!  They have recently purchased a new cooker, blaming the old one for all of their culinary disasters.  Now every time they cook something the remaining members of the family are expected to congratulate the cook and greet the offering with jubilation.  The female infidel made some vegetarian (yes I know the very thought is anathema) sausage rolls containing cheese.  I have to admit they smelt divine, but every time I attempted to enter the kitchen I was ruthlessly banished by the female infidel, flapping her arms like a geriatric gnat trying to take flight.  She eventually got tired of my diversionary tactics and brought the plate of food into the lounge to cool where it was under her watchful gaze.  the only thing for it was to have a tantrum.  

I have had some success taking food from the feeble nerdy infidel.  Yesterday I absconded with a slice of pizza after overpowering the little milksop.  I also managed to raid the handbag of a visiting infidel today, not once but twice.  I found a lovely little packet of biscuits and was just savouring them when I was discovered and they were rudely snatched away.

The infidels went off over the weekend and spent the day with other people's kelbs, apparently some people socialise their kelbs!  The infidels felt that if we attended it would be complete carnage.  I did not want to attend, it is bad enough having to live with one disgusting gargoyle without having to spend an entire afternoon in the company of half breeds.  The infidels came back reeking of kelb, it was absolutely stomach-churning!  Ghastly creatures.  I made sure to lie in my crate for the evening away from the stench of fetid kelb.  Of course the drooling buffoon I reside with was only too happy to sit with his beloved infidels, having spent the afternoon lamenting their departure.  Tragic!

I have finally discovered what is inside the TV remote having chewed it in half.  It was not quite the exciting revelation I anticipated.  It just contained circuit boards.  It is, however, extremely amusing to watch the infidels contorting themselves into some truly bizarre positions in an attempt to change the channel.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Day 926 of Captivity

Those devils took me in the automobile to visit the Vee Ee Tee today!  As soon as the female infidel separated her beloved kelb from me, I knew she was up to something.  I made sure she had to chase me round the house to get my leash on, snorting and wheezing like an asthmatic rhino, as she tried her best to catch up with me.  She finally managed to get me into the vehicle, although I did my best to prevent this from happening by spreading all four feet across the open door and tugging back as hard as I could.  I was no match for the Russian shot putter's sturdy frame (especially as I was weak with hunger) and her might prevailed.

Once in the car it took me all my strength to summon up a feeble amount of bile, as the evil shrew, fearing the worst on the car journey, starved me today.  I had to almost turn myself inside out to vomit on her, but I managed enough to make her gag.  Twice on the way there and twice on the way home, the male infidel was driving like the Stig over the most bumpy bits of road he could possibly find.

Once at the offices of the nefarious creature they call the Vet, I was completely terrified.  Last time they took me I was sawn in half!  Everyone in the waiting room of course thought I was extremely beautiful and cooed and sighed over me, but I gave them all my most piercing stare to make sure they kept away.  A kelb was brought in and I gave the cheeky young upstart my most withering stare.  He was unable to meet my gaze and rushed passed me to get into the room with the Vet!  Little did he know I just found him distasteful, Sweeny Todd the Vet was going to steal his testicles!  Kelbs are so vapid.

I was brutally stabbed twice by the Vet in the neck.  He also manhandled my ears which made me very unhappy.  If I was not so worried that Sweeny Todd would chop me up, I would have surely bitten him.  The infidels seemed quite happy to let this evildoer manhandle me as much as he liked, as they twittered on about my diet or lack thereof!  I only weighed a pitiful 17.5 KGs, as the witch has starved me to the brink of death!  

When I returned home again, the kelb was so thrilled to see me he drooled on me!  9 out of 10 voices in my head told me to kill him, the other just kept humming the melody of Tetris!

I have been forced to scout the kitchen for the remains of the infidel's meal in the dishes which were left soaking in the kitchen sink (she must have burnt the dinner again).  It tasted of soap and was not very filling!  How they have managed to get so fat on what they eat, I shall never know, most of their food is disgusting and tastes like feet or perhaps it is just her cooking! 

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

day 914 of Captivity

A couple of days ago the female infidel went off to one of her coffee mornings.  When she returned she brought with her an entourage of ladies.  The kelb and I went out into the garden with two of them.  Unbeknown to the female infidel I slunk back inside and was left unattended in the lounge.  The female infidel was far too busy twittering on in the kitchen to some poor soul.  Realising that I was no longer out in the garden and that I was very quiet, she thought it wise to come and investigate.  

She was left red faced and aghast when she discovered that in her absence I had been foraging through the  visitors bags and to my delight I had discovered a heart shaped cookie so beautifully wrapped, I was sure it must be for me.  I took the cookie out of the bag, carefully unwrapped it and of course devoured it, I am not sure I even tasted it.  The female infidel stood in the doorway burbling her excuses and throwing me the most withering looks.  I snorted my contempt for her and trotted gaily into the garden to see if any of the other visitors had been kind enough to bring me a gift.  

The cycling contraption has been off the road for a few days.  It is entirely the kelb's fault.  I am not sure there is a bike on the planet capable of standing up to his corpulent carcass, as he  gallops through the compound with gay abandon.  The brakes were non existent and the rear tyre in shreds.  The female infidel was forced to lead walk us and is now incapacitated having come down with a terrible bout of shin splints.  She is lying on the couch with her feet up looking thoroughly miserable and bleating every few seconds that she is in great pain but mustn't grumble.  No longer able to bear her bleating, the male infidel dragged her off to the hospital and she is now off her face on pain killers and a lot quieter (and pleasanter).  

We will have fun tomorrow, as the male infidel has been press ganged into taking us for a walk.  We haven't been out for two days, as the female infidel has been on her death bed and the male infidel is far too lazy to walk us AND put in a days work at the office.  Much eye rolling and scowling has taken place by the female infidel and I don't think he dare refuse a third day.  After all she dragged herself round in "great pain"!  I intend to take full advantage of the situation and have been secretly dining on sprouts and peanuts for days, I intend to make the evacuation as public and spectacular as possible, as he never remembers to carry bags.  Security are fully aware where he resides, as it is a very small compound.  I can hardly wait for that knock on the door!

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Day 904 of Captivity

The infidels went out on Wednesday night to see a group of men in skirts squeezing the life out of octopi to the rhythmic beat of rock music.  They have very strange ideas about what is entertainment.  I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels much to my chagrin.  I spent the evening pretending I needed to be let out into the garden, then once out there I ate the plants until I needed to vomit, which did not impress the hairy infidel one bit!  He is a bit imperious at the best of times.  He spent much of the evening raging and when the infidels returned from their evening of fun he vented his spleen for at least 20 minutes before stomping off to his lair declaring that he was never being in charge of me again, as if he was!

The following morning the infidels, clearly guilt ridden for having left me in the care of such a dictator, went out shopping.  They returned having purchased a new quilt for me covered in fairies and cup cakes, the female infidel was so thrilled with it.  To show my contempt for her feeble gift I shredded it that very evening along with the cuddly toy they bought for the drooling imbecile of a kelb I must endure.  I cannot be sure the female infidel did it on purpose, but she put the AC on in the bedroom that night and I was absolutely freezing.  She muttered, unsympathetically I might add, that had I not eaten my new quilt I should be lovely and warm.  I swear she was gloating beneath her 30 tog quilt. 

To pay her back for her insolence I woke her at 2am desperate to gain access to the garden.  It was absolutely freezing outside, but I made sure to keep her out there for a good 45 minutes, while I hung out in the toilet area crapping like a goose.  She had to clear it all up before the buffoon of a kelb trailed through it and traipsed it into the house.  She was seething to say the least.  Her rage was fuelled further when she returned to the bedroom to discover I was in her side of the bed, head on her pillow sleeping like a baby.  I was rudely awakened by her rasping voice, as she unceremoniously thrust me back into my chair and got back into bed rather huffily.

Tonight the male infidel deigned to cook the evening repast.  It smelt divine.  I decided that I would assist him and taste the odd bit here and there during the preparation.  He left a huge bowl of fish lying on the kitchen counter, so I decided to taste some to make sure it was up to standard.  Just as I was tucking in, the female infidel cleared her throat behind me. When this did not perturb me, she yelled at the top of her shrill voice that she was in the room.  I knew, I just didn't care!  I had already had the bacon out of the pan  during stage one of the cooking process, but the male infidel covered for me.  I think this was more because he didn't fancy a tongue lashing from the old shrew. I of course received none of the food, as per usual. 

There was one moment of absolute joy for me though, when the female went to the kitchen cupboard for her hormone medication (not working obviously!), she was surprised by a large cockroach exiting said cupboard at precisely the moment she opened it! I was quite surprised at the speed she ran through the house shrieking all the time like a boiling lobster, trampling all in her path.  The male infidel under duress is currently emptying the kitchen in search of lurking invertebrates, whilst the female gibbers on the couch occasionally emitting small peeping noises... who needs television! 

Day 904 of Captivity

My dear readers, I have entered a competition to have my blog shortlisted as one of 20 finalists,  It’s called the TrainPetDog.com 2010 Dog Blog Award and as far as I know, it’s the first such contest in the history of the web.  I need at least 50 votes to qualify for round 2 and I would be very grateful to you my friends if you would visit 

and cast your votes for my blog.  My 5 digit identity code for voting is 4Y382.  The main prize is much more exposure for my blog.  You are only allowed to vote once, so please ask all your friends and family to vote too.  Thank you for your help everyone.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Day 891 of Captivity

The infidels went out at the weekend to enjoy something called Burns night, which seems to involve shouting poetry to offal in a bizarre language that no one seems to comprehend, before consuming it swilled down with distilled bog water that a yak probably wee'd in!  GAK!

They returned and left the sleeping quarters in utter carnage before retiring to bed.  The following morning filled with a sense of ennui, I decided to conduct some experiments to entertain myself.  While the female infidel was showering, this is favourite time to include her in my experiments, I stole some pot pourri from a wooden bowl on her dressing table.  She hissed at me from round the shower curtain, thinking this would perturb me!  When I failed to bat an eyelid at the shrew's hissing, the Medussa was forced to exit the shower wet and seething, soap running down her face and into her now glowing red eyes.  I decided to beat a hasty retreat to my bed.

Safe in the knowledge I was ensconced in my bed sulking, she returned to the shower muttering like a disconcerted bag lady.  This was perfect timing for my next experiment, the findings of which were quite enlightening!  The male infidel had scattered the various items from his pockets all over the dressing table on his return from the night out.  I had a rummage through them and procured a pile of money.  It would appear that the higher the number on the piece of paper one consumes, the higher the screams that emanate from the infidels.  On discovering I had consumed almost an entire SR500 note, I thought the female infidel was going to have a stroke!  The male infidel rummaged around my tonsils, in a pitiful effort to retrieve the remains.  Thinking he could salvage the now dripping note, he was most put out that I had swallowed the numbers and muttered something about warm water and mustard!  

Both the male and female infidels spent the remainder of the weekend pouting and throwing me disparaging looks.  The male infidel inferring that I had best learn to behave myself.  When his back was turned I ate his Raybans a little, just enough to show I cared...less! 

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Day 878 of Captivity

A new year has dawned and I still find myself the captive of the tiresome infidels.  On the bright side my memoirs have been published and I cling to the hope that once my Bedouin kin discover my plight they will implement a rescue plan and free me from this perdition.  Of course the Female infidel has claimed the glory and her name is emblazoned across the front of my diary!  At least the Bedouin will know who to look for when they come to avenge me!

I felt an appropriate celebration to be chewing a hole in the couch.  The female infidel was furious when she discovered my act of self expression and she completely lost her mind.  I thought I had actually killed her this time, she turned a shade of red you only normally see on a Mandrill's bum and began swearing like Robert De Niro wishes he could.  I was positively scandalised and thought my ears would actually burst into flames.  I took to my crate for the afternoon.

This morning the kelb went out into the garden after our exercise and the dull-witted fool managed to stand in his own leavings!   He came trotting gaily back indoors leaving a trail of fecal footprints through the kitchen, closely followed by Mrs De Niro on yet another psychotic rampage.  The woman flails her arms around like a fat penguin trying to fly.  The male infidel muttered a hasty goodbye and escaped to work, as she almost drowned the kelb on the back yard scrubbing his feet brutally with a brillo pad.  I actually felt a brief pang of sympathy for him...then I carried on living my life.  

I have discovered wine gums, much to the male infidels ire.  As soon as anyone approaches him he begins shouting "They are mine damn you!" or he hisses like Gollum clutching his booty.  I find, however, that maximum use of fluttering eyelashes over powers him every time and he is putty in my hands.  Half a kilo of wine gums later I find I cannot feel my legs and I am lying on the couch close to a diabetic coma.  Damn those wine gums!