A new year has dawned and I still find myself the captive of the tiresome infidels. On the bright side my memoirs have been published and I cling to the hope that once my Bedouin kin discover my plight they will implement a rescue plan and free me from this perdition. Of course the Female infidel has claimed the glory and her name is emblazoned across the front of my diary! At least the Bedouin will know who to look for when they come to avenge me!
I felt an appropriate celebration to be chewing a hole in the couch. The female infidel was furious when she discovered my act of self expression and she completely lost her mind. I thought I had actually killed her this time, she turned a shade of red you only normally see on a Mandrill's bum and began swearing like Robert De Niro wishes he could. I was positively scandalised and thought my ears would actually burst into flames. I took to my crate for the afternoon.
This morning the kelb went out into the garden after our exercise and the dull-witted fool managed to stand in his own leavings! He came trotting gaily back indoors leaving a trail of fecal footprints through the kitchen, closely followed by Mrs De Niro on yet another psychotic rampage. The woman flails her arms around like a fat penguin trying to fly. The male infidel muttered a hasty goodbye and escaped to work, as she almost drowned the kelb on the back yard scrubbing his feet brutally with a brillo pad. I actually felt a brief pang of sympathy for him...then I carried on living my life.
I have discovered wine gums, much to the male infidels ire. As soon as anyone approaches him he begins shouting "They are mine damn you!" or he hisses like Gollum clutching his booty. I find, however, that maximum use of fluttering eyelashes over powers him every time and he is putty in my hands. Half a kilo of wine gums later I find I cannot feel my legs and I am lying on the couch close to a diabetic coma. Damn those wine gums!