Saturday, 23 January 2010

Day 891 of Captivity

The infidels went out at the weekend to enjoy something called Burns night, which seems to involve shouting poetry to offal in a bizarre language that no one seems to comprehend, before consuming it swilled down with distilled bog water that a yak probably wee'd in!  GAK!

They returned and left the sleeping quarters in utter carnage before retiring to bed.  The following morning filled with a sense of ennui, I decided to conduct some experiments to entertain myself.  While the female infidel was showering, this is favourite time to include her in my experiments, I stole some pot pourri from a wooden bowl on her dressing table.  She hissed at me from round the shower curtain, thinking this would perturb me!  When I failed to bat an eyelid at the shrew's hissing, the Medussa was forced to exit the shower wet and seething, soap running down her face and into her now glowing red eyes.  I decided to beat a hasty retreat to my bed.

Safe in the knowledge I was ensconced in my bed sulking, she returned to the shower muttering like a disconcerted bag lady.  This was perfect timing for my next experiment, the findings of which were quite enlightening!  The male infidel had scattered the various items from his pockets all over the dressing table on his return from the night out.  I had a rummage through them and procured a pile of money.  It would appear that the higher the number on the piece of paper one consumes, the higher the screams that emanate from the infidels.  On discovering I had consumed almost an entire SR500 note, I thought the female infidel was going to have a stroke!  The male infidel rummaged around my tonsils, in a pitiful effort to retrieve the remains.  Thinking he could salvage the now dripping note, he was most put out that I had swallowed the numbers and muttered something about warm water and mustard!  

Both the male and female infidels spent the remainder of the weekend pouting and throwing me disparaging looks.  The male infidel inferring that I had best learn to behave myself.  When his back was turned I ate his Raybans a little, just enough to show I cared...less! 


Luke Leigh said...

I love reading this column Kagz, absolutely hysterical. Damn near spat my coffee all over the computer LOL

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