Saturday, 6 February 2010

Day 904 of Captivity

The infidels went out on Wednesday night to see a group of men in skirts squeezing the life out of octopi to the rhythmic beat of rock music.  They have very strange ideas about what is entertainment.  I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels much to my chagrin.  I spent the evening pretending I needed to be let out into the garden, then once out there I ate the plants until I needed to vomit, which did not impress the hairy infidel one bit!  He is a bit imperious at the best of times.  He spent much of the evening raging and when the infidels returned from their evening of fun he vented his spleen for at least 20 minutes before stomping off to his lair declaring that he was never being in charge of me again, as if he was!

The following morning the infidels, clearly guilt ridden for having left me in the care of such a dictator, went out shopping.  They returned having purchased a new quilt for me covered in fairies and cup cakes, the female infidel was so thrilled with it.  To show my contempt for her feeble gift I shredded it that very evening along with the cuddly toy they bought for the drooling imbecile of a kelb I must endure.  I cannot be sure the female infidel did it on purpose, but she put the AC on in the bedroom that night and I was absolutely freezing.  She muttered, unsympathetically I might add, that had I not eaten my new quilt I should be lovely and warm.  I swear she was gloating beneath her 30 tog quilt. 

To pay her back for her insolence I woke her at 2am desperate to gain access to the garden.  It was absolutely freezing outside, but I made sure to keep her out there for a good 45 minutes, while I hung out in the toilet area crapping like a goose.  She had to clear it all up before the buffoon of a kelb trailed through it and traipsed it into the house.  She was seething to say the least.  Her rage was fuelled further when she returned to the bedroom to discover I was in her side of the bed, head on her pillow sleeping like a baby.  I was rudely awakened by her rasping voice, as she unceremoniously thrust me back into my chair and got back into bed rather huffily.

Tonight the male infidel deigned to cook the evening repast.  It smelt divine.  I decided that I would assist him and taste the odd bit here and there during the preparation.  He left a huge bowl of fish lying on the kitchen counter, so I decided to taste some to make sure it was up to standard.  Just as I was tucking in, the female infidel cleared her throat behind me. When this did not perturb me, she yelled at the top of her shrill voice that she was in the room.  I knew, I just didn't care!  I had already had the bacon out of the pan  during stage one of the cooking process, but the male infidel covered for me.  I think this was more because he didn't fancy a tongue lashing from the old shrew. I of course received none of the food, as per usual. 

There was one moment of absolute joy for me though, when the female went to the kitchen cupboard for her hormone medication (not working obviously!), she was surprised by a large cockroach exiting said cupboard at precisely the moment she opened it! I was quite surprised at the speed she ran through the house shrieking all the time like a boiling lobster, trampling all in her path.  The male infidel under duress is currently emptying the kitchen in search of lurking invertebrates, whilst the female gibbers on the couch occasionally emitting small peeping noises... who needs television! 

1 comment:

Lin Hawkyard said...

Wonderfully amusing again Stella, oh and your book arrived the other day - must say you are the most talented Saluki I have ever met in my over 30 years of living with Salukis! Bravo. If I could teach my lot to read, write and do a blog I'd be on to something!!