Saturday, 20 March 2010

Day 946 of Captivity

The infidels are very pleased with themselves indeed!  They have recently purchased a new cooker, blaming the old one for all of their culinary disasters.  Now every time they cook something the remaining members of the family are expected to congratulate the cook and greet the offering with jubilation.  The female infidel made some vegetarian (yes I know the very thought is anathema) sausage rolls containing cheese.  I have to admit they smelt divine, but every time I attempted to enter the kitchen I was ruthlessly banished by the female infidel, flapping her arms like a geriatric gnat trying to take flight.  She eventually got tired of my diversionary tactics and brought the plate of food into the lounge to cool where it was under her watchful gaze.  the only thing for it was to have a tantrum.  

I have had some success taking food from the feeble nerdy infidel.  Yesterday I absconded with a slice of pizza after overpowering the little milksop.  I also managed to raid the handbag of a visiting infidel today, not once but twice.  I found a lovely little packet of biscuits and was just savouring them when I was discovered and they were rudely snatched away.

The infidels went off over the weekend and spent the day with other people's kelbs, apparently some people socialise their kelbs!  The infidels felt that if we attended it would be complete carnage.  I did not want to attend, it is bad enough having to live with one disgusting gargoyle without having to spend an entire afternoon in the company of half breeds.  The infidels came back reeking of kelb, it was absolutely stomach-churning!  Ghastly creatures.  I made sure to lie in my crate for the evening away from the stench of fetid kelb.  Of course the drooling buffoon I reside with was only too happy to sit with his beloved infidels, having spent the afternoon lamenting their departure.  Tragic!

I have finally discovered what is inside the TV remote having chewed it in half.  It was not quite the exciting revelation I anticipated.  It just contained circuit boards.  It is, however, extremely amusing to watch the infidels contorting themselves into some truly bizarre positions in an attempt to change the channel.