Saturday, 25 September 2010

Day 1105 of Captivity

I haven't been able to get close to a computer in weeks, the infidels seem to be plotting something. They are constantly huddled around laptops muttering excitedly for hours.  I have no idea what machinations those fiends have in mind, but I am sure I am not going to like it.  Anyway, I have finally managed to prize the old shrew off her laptop, so that I can update you all on the latest atrocities that I have endured under the regime of the evil infidels.

The female infidel continues to be an intolerant shrew.  Last week she was preparing a sandwich and there was a box containing half a kilo of pastrami on the counter next to her.  It smelt divine and I couldn't help myself, she is too tightfisted to have allowed me a morsel, so I decided to just take a slice.  Unfortunately when I leapt up onto the counter to take one, she startled me and I grabbed the entire contents of the box.  I was forced to consume it on the run as she shrieked at me and called me a greedy mare!  I could have contracted heart burn!  She did not seem amused by my endeavors and unfortunately she was even less amused when the result was that I once again suffered with an upset stomach as a result of too much pepper on the pastrami.  If she had only let me have one slice this would never have been a problem.

The female infidel is entirely lacking in any level of humour.  A friend of hers payed her a visit recently and instead of focussing on me and how stunningly beautiful and exciting I am, they stood in the kitchen twittering over a cup of tea.  The female infidel kept on occasionally poking her accusing head around the kitchen door to see what I was up to, because she seems to get very unnerved if I am too quiet.  (There is no pleasing some people!).  Not wishing to disappoint her, once she became complacent, I snuck upstairs and stole a toilet roll from the adolescent infidel's bathroom and proceeded to shred it with gay abandon, all the way down the stairs into the lounge and across the couch.  The look of horror on the old bat's face was truly priceless as she poked her head around the door expecting to still see me napping on the couch.   Her friend seemed to find it funny, even if the miserable old female infidel did not.  She snatched up the shredded paper, chastising me and telling me I am not the Andrex dog, well thank goodness for he is a kelb!

The hilarity continued yesterday, when the kelb and I went out to the garden in the morning to use the toilet area I raced him back up the stairs and stole his bed.  Neither the infidels nor their fetid kelb seemed amused by this, making it all the more funny.  I made myself comfortable on his bed while he sat in front of me looking forlorn.  The female infidel tried to encourage me to move, so I pouted at her, showing my disdain.  The kelb eventually squashed himself into my little chair and looked extremely uncomfortable, so I stretched out as long as I could on his bed to let him know that I was perfectly fine.  The female infidel was not amused and called the kelb to lie on her bed with her.  We are never allowed on there, so the kelb made himself comfortable and blew raspberries at me!  I decided to sleep and ignore their smugness.  I believe that even in sleep I managed to scowl at them.

The cycling contraption seems to have been out of commission for some time and the female infidel has been walking us on a leash by foot.  It has been an excellent opportunity for the kelb and I to attempt to dislocate her shoulders.  Several weeks ago a peasant cat dared to engage us in combat.  The female infidel was quite incensed by the situation.  The cheeky creature actually dared to scratch my nose which resulted in the witch doctor administering her first aid so I was not happy at all!  The female infidel tried everything to send the prince of darkness on its way, she threw water at it, stamped her feet and yelled, but we were so engaged in combat that the stupid creature did not seem to care, until that is the female infidel in a fit of pique threw a tennis ball at it.  She caught it clean in the head and how laughed as it beat a hasty retreat.  She has since taken to carrying a pocket full of rocks and on several occasions since, the vapid creature has attempted to launch a further attack on us, only to be stoned by the female infidel. She has gone up in my estimations since, she has finally realised that cats are peasant creatures and should be killed.  She really doesn't like this particular cat.  It made an unsuccessful attempt to attack us again this morning, if only the female infidel would release me I would dispatch it with glee.  She prefers to practice her shot putting techniques and this morning she threw a boulder at the feral creature.  I was briefly in awe of her!   Sadly she missed, but it was enough to stop the nefarious creature in his tracks.  The hairy infidel has been walking with us recently and he isn't quite as assertive as the female infidel, in my excitement to get to the peasant cat, I leapt up and scratched the hairy infidel down his trunk, sending him into a black mood for the rest of the walk.

I am off to trawl through the history on the female's laptop to see if I can discover what their evil plot is all about.


houndstooth said...

Stella, the suffering you endure at the hands of the infidels is still shocking to me. I am glad to see that there might be a sliver of hope for the female infidel if she is trying to protect you from feral cats, though. I hope you are able to get close to the laptop again soon!

I am ashamed to admit that my mom laughed uproariously as she read of your latest travails. I have tried to teach her better, but she has a long way to go in this department!


Anonymous said...


Your reign is drawing to an end! Kia the Pharaoh Hound has arrived in the Middle East and it is only a matter of time before you are thoroughly usurped. Don't feel bad, you gave dominance of the infidels a credible effort, you will be remembered fondly for a week or so.

Step aside and let someone younger, and much cuter, show you how it should be done.


The Pale Primate (aka, Kia's living chew toy)