Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Day 1137 of Captivity

The old shrew has really upped the ante when it comes to tormenting me!  A few weeks ago she actually invited the Vee Ee Tee to dinner!  Has she completely lost her mind?! He came along with his family, which consisted of a wife and a little tiny terrorist in the form of a small boy.  I of course took to my crate in absolute horror that she would bring the nefarious evil doer to our home.  Every time I see that man, he either stabs me or pokes me around. I think his visit was the first time that I have been in his presence and not been tortured.  That is probably only because I glared at him from behind the safety of my crate door.  He seemed to find this rather amusing!  The kelb actually has a crate of his own now, but he seems reluctant to use it.  Being on the same intellectual level as plankton, he decided to interact with the Vee Ee Tee and even wagged his tail and was welcoming!  I spent much of the afternoon guffawing as the tiny terrorist was velcroed to the kelb, and following in his father's footsteps attempted on may occasions to do a full dental inspection of the kelb and also seemed to believe there was something wrong with his eyes which required poking out of them.  The kelb looked forlorn at the attentions of this small boy but being the idiot he is, he just put up with it.  The female infidel on occasion saved him when she felt the inspections were going a little too far.  I think these miniature human off spring are rather like small out of control drunk people and best avoided at all costs.  The only good thing about the entire sorry affair was that the female infidel had only pushed my door to, thinking that I would join them in my own time.  I did!  Just as the Vee Ee Tee and his family were leaving to go home.  I snuck out of my crate and into the kitchen where I consumed as much of the left overs as I possibly could before they realised what i was up to.  I gave myself indigestion eating two pies at once at great speed.  It is the only way one can obtain anything delicious in this God forsaken house!

Once again we are in that awful time of year where the infidels go into Pagan over drive with all their strange festivals and rituals.  It all started at the weekend with Halloween.  The compound becomes filled with small people dressed in the most dreadful costumes and they go from house to house and try to obtain candy from the residents.  They got a surprise when they came to our house, and I have to give the kelb kudos for his efforts at joining in the festivities by barking like a deranged hell hound.  He actually managed to drool and bark simultaneously resembling Kujo.  He scared them all away as a shower of flip flops rained down on us and they all screamed in anguish.  The female infidel looked rather deflated as she stood on the doorstep beaming with her bowl of candy in hand.  She could not understand why we were unable to give any away this year.  Neither could her fetid toady the kelb.

We have the joy of bonfire night to look forward to this coming weekend.  This is rather a horrific affair during which the infidels burn an old man on a large fire, whilst letting off miniature pyrotechnics.  The infidels all shriek with glee as the poor old man disintegrates into a pile of ashes.  I am not sure where they get their old men from, but I have to say they are very brave, last year he never even screamed once despite being thrown onto a raging inferno.  All through this strange event the infidels stuff hot dogs and burgers into their fat greasy jowls.  This festivity also includes eating something called Parkin, which has the same consistency as something the kelb has passed and is almost impossible to chew.  The kelb spends much of the evening having a melt down as the sky is filled with bangs and glowing flashes while the female feebly attempts to pacify him.

Last year not five minutes after the "festival of fire" the female infidel became extremely excited on her way home from an errand, as she discovered that the recreation centre had erected their Christmas tree!  She took this as a sign that we must follow suit and spent the rest of the day festooning the house in as much gold paper and raffia as she could lay her hands on at such short notice while the rest of the family looked on as if she had finally lost her mind.  She also put up her monstrosity of a Christmas tree complete with its garish embellishments.  She refused any assistance from me whilst erecting this excrescence.  Several hours passed and eventually she emerged looking battle weary and on the verge of hysteria as she gathered all the other infidels to behold her efforts and praise them on pain of death.  Any effort on my part to contribute to this insane activity are always rejected.  They point blank refused last year to adorn the tree with my festive excreta complete with little bits of spangly tinsel I had eaten during her energetic outburst of festive mayhem.  My warm chicken centre piece was vigorously rejected on the grounds that it was disgusting!  The same can be said of the Fairy that adorns the top of the evergreen nightmare that adorns the corner of our lounge each year.  A truly demented vision of an angel, which the female infidel "cleverly" fashioned from an old toilet roll and some netting.  One would never guess!

No doubt the weeks ahead will consist of the female infidel attempting to play every Christmas song in existence as she sits in the kitchen fashioning Christmas cards from bits of felt and glitter for her poor unsuspecting friends, who always smile politely and no doubt deposit them in the garbage receptacle as soon as they get to the safety of their homes.  I can barely contain my excitement at the prospect!

1 comment:

houndstooth said...

Oh, goodness! You bear so much with such grace and dignity! I aspire to be as regal and aloof as you one day!