Sunday, 28 February 2010

Day 926 of Captivity

Those devils took me in the automobile to visit the Vee Ee Tee today!  As soon as the female infidel separated her beloved kelb from me, I knew she was up to something.  I made sure she had to chase me round the house to get my leash on, snorting and wheezing like an asthmatic rhino, as she tried her best to catch up with me.  She finally managed to get me into the vehicle, although I did my best to prevent this from happening by spreading all four feet across the open door and tugging back as hard as I could.  I was no match for the Russian shot putter's sturdy frame (especially as I was weak with hunger) and her might prevailed.

Once in the car it took me all my strength to summon up a feeble amount of bile, as the evil shrew, fearing the worst on the car journey, starved me today.  I had to almost turn myself inside out to vomit on her, but I managed enough to make her gag.  Twice on the way there and twice on the way home, the male infidel was driving like the Stig over the most bumpy bits of road he could possibly find.

Once at the offices of the nefarious creature they call the Vet, I was completely terrified.  Last time they took me I was sawn in half!  Everyone in the waiting room of course thought I was extremely beautiful and cooed and sighed over me, but I gave them all my most piercing stare to make sure they kept away.  A kelb was brought in and I gave the cheeky young upstart my most withering stare.  He was unable to meet my gaze and rushed passed me to get into the room with the Vet!  Little did he know I just found him distasteful, Sweeny Todd the Vet was going to steal his testicles!  Kelbs are so vapid.

I was brutally stabbed twice by the Vet in the neck.  He also manhandled my ears which made me very unhappy.  If I was not so worried that Sweeny Todd would chop me up, I would have surely bitten him.  The infidels seemed quite happy to let this evildoer manhandle me as much as he liked, as they twittered on about my diet or lack thereof!  I only weighed a pitiful 17.5 KGs, as the witch has starved me to the brink of death!  

When I returned home again, the kelb was so thrilled to see me he drooled on me!  9 out of 10 voices in my head told me to kill him, the other just kept humming the melody of Tetris!

I have been forced to scout the kitchen for the remains of the infidel's meal in the dishes which were left soaking in the kitchen sink (she must have burnt the dinner again).  It tasted of soap and was not very filling!  How they have managed to get so fat on what they eat, I shall never know, most of their food is disgusting and tastes like feet or perhaps it is just her cooking! 

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

day 914 of Captivity

A couple of days ago the female infidel went off to one of her coffee mornings.  When she returned she brought with her an entourage of ladies.  The kelb and I went out into the garden with two of them.  Unbeknown to the female infidel I slunk back inside and was left unattended in the lounge.  The female infidel was far too busy twittering on in the kitchen to some poor soul.  Realising that I was no longer out in the garden and that I was very quiet, she thought it wise to come and investigate.  

She was left red faced and aghast when she discovered that in her absence I had been foraging through the  visitors bags and to my delight I had discovered a heart shaped cookie so beautifully wrapped, I was sure it must be for me.  I took the cookie out of the bag, carefully unwrapped it and of course devoured it, I am not sure I even tasted it.  The female infidel stood in the doorway burbling her excuses and throwing me the most withering looks.  I snorted my contempt for her and trotted gaily into the garden to see if any of the other visitors had been kind enough to bring me a gift.  

The cycling contraption has been off the road for a few days.  It is entirely the kelb's fault.  I am not sure there is a bike on the planet capable of standing up to his corpulent carcass, as he  gallops through the compound with gay abandon.  The brakes were non existent and the rear tyre in shreds.  The female infidel was forced to lead walk us and is now incapacitated having come down with a terrible bout of shin splints.  She is lying on the couch with her feet up looking thoroughly miserable and bleating every few seconds that she is in great pain but mustn't grumble.  No longer able to bear her bleating, the male infidel dragged her off to the hospital and she is now off her face on pain killers and a lot quieter (and pleasanter).  

We will have fun tomorrow, as the male infidel has been press ganged into taking us for a walk.  We haven't been out for two days, as the female infidel has been on her death bed and the male infidel is far too lazy to walk us AND put in a days work at the office.  Much eye rolling and scowling has taken place by the female infidel and I don't think he dare refuse a third day.  After all she dragged herself round in "great pain"!  I intend to take full advantage of the situation and have been secretly dining on sprouts and peanuts for days, I intend to make the evacuation as public and spectacular as possible, as he never remembers to carry bags.  Security are fully aware where he resides, as it is a very small compound.  I can hardly wait for that knock on the door!

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Day 904 of Captivity

The infidels went out on Wednesday night to see a group of men in skirts squeezing the life out of octopi to the rhythmic beat of rock music.  They have very strange ideas about what is entertainment.  I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels much to my chagrin.  I spent the evening pretending I needed to be let out into the garden, then once out there I ate the plants until I needed to vomit, which did not impress the hairy infidel one bit!  He is a bit imperious at the best of times.  He spent much of the evening raging and when the infidels returned from their evening of fun he vented his spleen for at least 20 minutes before stomping off to his lair declaring that he was never being in charge of me again, as if he was!

The following morning the infidels, clearly guilt ridden for having left me in the care of such a dictator, went out shopping.  They returned having purchased a new quilt for me covered in fairies and cup cakes, the female infidel was so thrilled with it.  To show my contempt for her feeble gift I shredded it that very evening along with the cuddly toy they bought for the drooling imbecile of a kelb I must endure.  I cannot be sure the female infidel did it on purpose, but she put the AC on in the bedroom that night and I was absolutely freezing.  She muttered, unsympathetically I might add, that had I not eaten my new quilt I should be lovely and warm.  I swear she was gloating beneath her 30 tog quilt. 

To pay her back for her insolence I woke her at 2am desperate to gain access to the garden.  It was absolutely freezing outside, but I made sure to keep her out there for a good 45 minutes, while I hung out in the toilet area crapping like a goose.  She had to clear it all up before the buffoon of a kelb trailed through it and traipsed it into the house.  She was seething to say the least.  Her rage was fuelled further when she returned to the bedroom to discover I was in her side of the bed, head on her pillow sleeping like a baby.  I was rudely awakened by her rasping voice, as she unceremoniously thrust me back into my chair and got back into bed rather huffily.

Tonight the male infidel deigned to cook the evening repast.  It smelt divine.  I decided that I would assist him and taste the odd bit here and there during the preparation.  He left a huge bowl of fish lying on the kitchen counter, so I decided to taste some to make sure it was up to standard.  Just as I was tucking in, the female infidel cleared her throat behind me. When this did not perturb me, she yelled at the top of her shrill voice that she was in the room.  I knew, I just didn't care!  I had already had the bacon out of the pan  during stage one of the cooking process, but the male infidel covered for me.  I think this was more because he didn't fancy a tongue lashing from the old shrew. I of course received none of the food, as per usual. 

There was one moment of absolute joy for me though, when the female went to the kitchen cupboard for her hormone medication (not working obviously!), she was surprised by a large cockroach exiting said cupboard at precisely the moment she opened it! I was quite surprised at the speed she ran through the house shrieking all the time like a boiling lobster, trampling all in her path.  The male infidel under duress is currently emptying the kitchen in search of lurking invertebrates, whilst the female gibbers on the couch occasionally emitting small peeping noises... who needs television! 

Day 904 of Captivity

My dear readers, I have entered a competition to have my blog shortlisted as one of 20 finalists,  It’s called the TrainPetDog.com 2010 Dog Blog Award and as far as I know, it’s the first such contest in the history of the web.  I need at least 50 votes to qualify for round 2 and I would be very grateful to you my friends if you would visit 


and cast your votes for my blog.  My 5 digit identity code for voting is 4Y382.  The main prize is much more exposure for my blog.  You are only allowed to vote once, so please ask all your friends and family to vote too.  Thank you for your help everyone.