Saturday, 8 May 2010

Day 995 of Captivity

I expect you all foolishly thought that the infidels had finally turned over a new leaf and begun to treat me like the Queen I am.  No such luck!  I haven't managed to document my plight recently, because the female infidel has been going to work and her treasured laptop is strictly out of bounds in her absence.  I hated her going to work, not because I like her of course, but because she is more attentive than the other infidels.  I was left in the "care" of the adolescent hairy one and the emo in her absence and am lucky to not have died from the dullness of spending the days in their inane company.   They were far too busy "studying" or playing feeble minded video games to notice me.

The kelb almost drove me to distraction moping around in the absence of his beloved companion.  I spent much of the day crying, not because I missed the female, but because I was so consumed with ennui at my circumstances and it grated on the adolescents last nerve.  Not that juveniles are known for their patience!  An added bonus to this was that when the teenaged infidels imparted this detail to the female, she became wracked with guilt for having abandoned me to this torment.  

The adolescents enjoyed spending much of the day giving chase whenever I absconded with the tea towels from the kitchen or the female infidel's shoes.  It gave them some exercise and prevented them from further becoming couch potatoes.  The hairy infidel was prone to the odd fit of rage, and tended to vent his spleen after the umpteenth time of chasing me, but I believe this to be quite normal of adolescent ones.  

The weather has been ghastly!  We have experienced some dreadful storms, one which took out the satellite dish and much of the garden.  The infidels have expected that I should still wish to use the outdoors as a bathroom, whilst the rain has been coming down like stair rods!  I should rather risk renal collapse than go out in such dreadful weather.  They have attempted to cajole and coax me into such madness, I have simply glared at them through the back door and made sure to leave them out in the murky weather, hopeful that I should join them and urinate out there.  I'd like to see them try and poo in a force 9 gale! At one point I feared they would wring me out, threats were made, tantrums were thrown and eventually I had to yield to their lunacy.  The kelb was just as reluctant to pander to their requests and he cowered in the doorway afraid that the lightening would strike him down (which I assured him it would. Ha!).

 It has been threatening to rain again this evening, so before the infidels embarked on another campaign of madness to coax me out into the garden, I managed to gain access to the hairy infidel's room and relieve myself on his carpet.  I didn't think anyone would notice, given that it smells like sassquatch's lair in there anyway, but I was caught in the act and once again the hairy one broke into an epic and boring rant. 

The female infidel has finally seen the light and realised that she belongs at home pandering to my every whim, rather than in the work place pandering to the whims of other lesser mortals.  She is back at home again and I am making sure she suffers for her faux pas.  It was recently her birthday and the male infidel bought her a Blackberry.  It has been most amusing to watch the sausage fingered cretin attempt to use such a dainty instrument to message her cronies.  She has spent many a day standing in the living room swearing like a docker, clutching her new piece of technology  with a look of grim determination in her eyes as she attempts to use the item in her usual ham fisted manner.  I am not sure what possessed the male infidel to imagine that she could master such a device.  So far she has managed to keep it out of my reach, but I am a patient creature, and the time will come she leaves it unattended, and I shall take my revenge for her having abandoned me for the best part of a month!  She is often seen sitting in a chair stroking it and giggling fiendishly, whispering to her "precious".  I am sure it will taste all the more divine knowing that it will completely ruin her day if I eat it.  Her precious shall be mine!  Mwahahahahaha!

Life has returned to the usual drudgery of the shrill harpy squashing every little expression of freedom, but she is back at home and I can once again torment her.  All is as it should be again.