No wonder those nefarious infidels have been keeping me away from the laptop! I have discovered their dastardly plan and it is diabolical indeed, they intend to force me to leave my beloved land and live in the Scottish Highlands! That is almost the Arctic! I will surely freeze to death!
This is not the only fiendish plan they have up their sleeves, apparently not only are they dragging me across the world to a frozen wasteland, but I must first be sent to live in a gulag for dogs! I have to share a cell with the fetid kelb for 6 long and ghastly months! I can't believe it!