Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Day 21 in Exile

Walking in this God forsaken land has proven to be a living nightmare!  Yesterday the female infidel dragged us to the beach, the winds were so high that I was literally blown clean off my feet 3 or 4 times at least!  The female infidel fancies herself as a comedienne and has discussed attaching weight bracelets to my ankles!  I might bite her!

The only consolation to all the misery is watching the kelb, he is even more of a buffoon than ever these days.  When we went to the beach yesterday, not only was I blown all over the place, but I was sand blasted to within an inch of my life as well!  The kelb didn't even seem to notice and spent his time "murdering" sea weed.  He was running up and down the beach like a lunatic.  I swear if he body slams me one more time I shall eat his liver!  The miserable shrew would not let me lose to dispatch a couple of crows that were taunting me, she was worried if I ran I would keep on running.  Whatever gave her that idea?  My life is so great, I bent over and a rainbow shot out of my ass! Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

I was reduced to hysterics last week when the male and female decided to drag us out in the most horrific weather.  The wind was howling and balls of ice were falling from the sky for goodness sake.  We walked along to the pier over the hill.  In order to get there one must negotiate a cattle grid, however there is a gate that can be opened, so they decided to take that option.  Before they had a chance to walk over to the gate, the kelb flung his beefy carcass across the cattle grid with all the grace of a stunned rhino!  The male infidel totally unexpecting this turn of events was dragged with him and the kelb did a double roll and landed in a heap the other side of the grid.  The female infidel then became enraged with the male infidel and yelled at him, as if the kelb's foolishness was all his fault, all the while I sniggered under my breath.  Thankfully the kelb's utter stupidity brought an end to the torment of having to walk in driving rain and we turned back for home.  The kelb put on an Oscar performance of being injured, but as usual he forgot which was the right leg and kept limping and holding out alternate legs.  I think the pier is now off the list of walks for the forseeable future.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Day 14 in Exile

Where have the infidels brought me?  They have just taken me out for a walk in the wildest weather I have ever seen, I half expected an ambulance to pull up and for the infidels to be wheeled away in white jackets!  WTF were the balls of ice falling from the sky?  It was absolutely baltic out there.

I am currently sulking on the couch looking like a drowned Rastafarian!  My coat has become crimped to within an inch of its life, despite the fact I had an over-sized coat on to walk in.  I am not sure I shall ever speak to them again!  The television is being drowned out by the wind howling down the chimney.  The infidels are sat around in tracksuits drinking tea and looking soggy, the lounge looks like a Chav convention!

Monday, 17 October 2011

Day 13 in Exile

Finally the infidels conscience was pricked enough for them to come and collect me. It only took a near death experience and many months of agony on my part.  I tried to be indifferent towards them, but such was my joy to escape the gulag I could not contain myself for long.  Even the infidel's meagre abode with its lack of even the most basic of facilities, such as my own private poo pit, beat the hell out of 6 months being banged up abroad with a dribbling gargoyle with mental health and hygiene issues.

Once freed from the confines of the gulag I was then subjected to what I can only describe as a marathon drive (sleep) through the country I am now forced to reside in until we finally arrived at ice Station Zebra, which I believe I am now expected to rejoice in calling home.  Worse than that, they brought the kelb with us!  Will I ever be free of him?

The first day I was "home", the nefarious infidel, not happy with having made my life a living nightmare for the last 6 months, took me to see a Vee Ee Tee!  I was outraged!  The female infidel said I was fat!  How VERY dare she!   To my absolute horror, the vet agreed and I am now on a diet.  I am very unhappy about this, it has the word DIE in it!  I have been reduced to scouring the kitchen for any unguarded morsels. I managed to make off with a frozen chicken drumstick the other day, cold food is not ideal in the temperatures here in the Arctic, but beggars cannot be choosers.  My victory was short lived however as the miserable old shrew discovered me and viciously wrestled the chicken from my mandibles.  I was left to starve for the evening.

The only element of enjoyment in this desolate and frozen wasteland is the walking.  Never in my life have I experienced such variety of walks or travelled such distances.  The smells are amazing, unless of course the kelb is along for the ride, his fetid carcass tends to kill any other scent in a 100 mile radius!  We have been to some amazing locations, forests, beaches, piers.  On occasion though I have been put out by the weather on these excursions, long gone is the beautiful sunshine and palm trees of my home land, instead there are gale force winds and rain like stair rods!

I discovered a new joy the other day; apparently they are called sheep!  Little fluffy clouds of chaseability!  Of course the wretched infidels will not allow me to chase them.  They come over all dramatic about me being shot!  I haven't seen an armed and dangerous sheep yet!  The female infidel thought that a little jaunt through a field of the delightful creatures would desensitise me to them.  Oh foolish creature, it only served to further convince me that Mary's little lamb could not out run me.  After 15 minutes of hand to hand combat with me the female infidel threw her arms in the air in despair and carried my quivering carcass out of the field she was attempting to cross, stomping through the field like Ed 209.  She only became further enraged when I dined on the little nuggets of sheep poo or attempted to roll it into my fur to disguise my presence in the field.  As ever she remains the shadow of bore!  I am now forced to take a 50 mile detour just to avoid her having to wrestle me through a field.  She has been muttering about giving me to some farmer round the corner to deal with.  Of course the kelb, dumb as ever became excited in the field, but without knowing why he was excited!  Only a kelb!

Exile may just be fun!