Monday, 17 October 2011

Day 13 in Exile

Finally the infidels conscience was pricked enough for them to come and collect me. It only took a near death experience and many months of agony on my part.  I tried to be indifferent towards them, but such was my joy to escape the gulag I could not contain myself for long.  Even the infidel's meagre abode with its lack of even the most basic of facilities, such as my own private poo pit, beat the hell out of 6 months being banged up abroad with a dribbling gargoyle with mental health and hygiene issues.

Once freed from the confines of the gulag I was then subjected to what I can only describe as a marathon drive (sleep) through the country I am now forced to reside in until we finally arrived at ice Station Zebra, which I believe I am now expected to rejoice in calling home.  Worse than that, they brought the kelb with us!  Will I ever be free of him?

The first day I was "home", the nefarious infidel, not happy with having made my life a living nightmare for the last 6 months, took me to see a Vee Ee Tee!  I was outraged!  The female infidel said I was fat!  How VERY dare she!   To my absolute horror, the vet agreed and I am now on a diet.  I am very unhappy about this, it has the word DIE in it!  I have been reduced to scouring the kitchen for any unguarded morsels. I managed to make off with a frozen chicken drumstick the other day, cold food is not ideal in the temperatures here in the Arctic, but beggars cannot be choosers.  My victory was short lived however as the miserable old shrew discovered me and viciously wrestled the chicken from my mandibles.  I was left to starve for the evening.

The only element of enjoyment in this desolate and frozen wasteland is the walking.  Never in my life have I experienced such variety of walks or travelled such distances.  The smells are amazing, unless of course the kelb is along for the ride, his fetid carcass tends to kill any other scent in a 100 mile radius!  We have been to some amazing locations, forests, beaches, piers.  On occasion though I have been put out by the weather on these excursions, long gone is the beautiful sunshine and palm trees of my home land, instead there are gale force winds and rain like stair rods!

I discovered a new joy the other day; apparently they are called sheep!  Little fluffy clouds of chaseability!  Of course the wretched infidels will not allow me to chase them.  They come over all dramatic about me being shot!  I haven't seen an armed and dangerous sheep yet!  The female infidel thought that a little jaunt through a field of the delightful creatures would desensitise me to them.  Oh foolish creature, it only served to further convince me that Mary's little lamb could not out run me.  After 15 minutes of hand to hand combat with me the female infidel threw her arms in the air in despair and carried my quivering carcass out of the field she was attempting to cross, stomping through the field like Ed 209.  She only became further enraged when I dined on the little nuggets of sheep poo or attempted to roll it into my fur to disguise my presence in the field.  As ever she remains the shadow of bore!  I am now forced to take a 50 mile detour just to avoid her having to wrestle me through a field.  She has been muttering about giving me to some farmer round the corner to deal with.  Of course the kelb, dumb as ever became excited in the field, but without knowing why he was excited!  Only a kelb!

Exile may just be fun!

1 comment:

houndstooth said...

I must admit, I am quite relieved to hear that you are still alive. Your travails would break a lesser dog!