Friday, 24 February 2012

Day 139 in Exile

The shrew has finally lost her mind!  She took us for a walk this morning in the most atrocious weather.  She has recently bought a new car, nothing like the luxury of my previous ride, but a more utiliarian vehicle.  I am forced to lie in a cage in the back, while she whoops in delight as she hurtles down a mud track littered with potholes and rocks.  Whoever declared this a road needs to be executed immediately!  I fear if we venture down there too often, my poor spine will be shattered into a million pieces as her ugly utilitarian monstrosity trundles down the track in a most unsatisfactory manner!  The shrew seems delighted with this vehicle, I hate it and may just vomit in the back if she isn't careful!

As usual the old crone planned ahead by watching the 200 weather forecasts that are aired in the morning and totally ignoring them!  Some 20 minutes into the walk the heavens opened and we were subjected to a deluge of Biblical proportions, icy rain drenched us to the skin and the wind whipped around us.  Walking where there are a lot of trees and winds of around 50MPH was such an awesome idea on the shrews part!  I was terrified as we walked along and the trees creaked and strained against the winds.  It was so cold I felt like my eyeballs had frozen in their sockets.  When I gave her an evil stare, she whittered about how this was a perfect day for us to wak, because we were less likely to meet anyone else.  That is because no one else could possible be as insane as she is!

We trudged on and finally the weather eased a little and the sun came out and there was a beautiful rainbow up in the sky.  The female looked at me slyly, clearly feeling vindicated as she triumphantly declared "See it didn't last that long!" I scowled as my teeth chattered and I dug in to try and get back to that hideous vehicle of hers as soon as possible and put this whole sorry situation behind me.

We walked on and finally the end of the walk was in sight.  We came out of the wooded area and into a large clearing.  No sooner had we hit open ground again when the driving icy rain and high wind returned, it was so windy I was almost blown clean off my feet several times.  I was furious and trudged on, the shrew was behind us bleating that we were weaving about and tripping her.  I tried to take cover behind the kelb's beefy carcass, as the rain turned into horrid little pricking hail and bit at my face.  The female was huffing and puffing that the weather was vile and trying to hurry along only to keep stumbling as we zigzagged across her path, she will pay for this!  FINALLY, after what seemed like hours we made it back to her ugly little car and I for one was so happy to see the beastly hunk of metal.  The female infidel peeled off all the wet layers I was wearing and I jumped into the cage with glee, finally somewhere dry and warm!  As the shrew was unwrapping the kelb from his arctic wear, I almost choked with laughter as the wind blew the door hard and it tried to shut.  It hit her in the back and she was knocked into the towing hook.  The air turned blue as she bashed her shin on the large metal hook and fell against a most unimpressed kelb, who looked horrified to see her burly carcass hurtling towards him.  Finally we were on board.  The shrew who now resembled something of a cross between medussa with her wild, wet hair and the swamp thing all muddy and wet from the trudge through the glen looked a sight.  I was rather glad that we had not met anyone else on the walk, as the shame of being seen with her would have been all too much to bear.

She got into the car sighing with relief that we had finished the walk and then she sat and drank a hot cup of coffee if you please!  The kelb and I were left shivering in the back of the truck, even he looked pretty miffed by this mornings "bright idea".  We drove off back up the hill and my poor bones were once more rattled into dust as she zoomed up the road like the Stig, not taking any care to avoid the lumps and bumps and delighting in how the car "coped with it all."  I think I actually loathe her!