Friday, 23 November 2012

Day 410 in Exile

On the home stretch this morning the kelb was spending rather a long time sniffing about in the bushes, the shrew was growing impatient with him.  He continued to faff about in the scrub sniffing every blade of grass and withered thistle in his wake, the grumpy shrew trudged along beside him.  Suddenly we were all startled, the kelb appeared ot have accidently flushed a pheasant from the scrub ( I am sure it had absolutely NOTHING to do with his hunting "skills").  Once the kelb and I regained composure we wanted to go after it, there was a scuffle and some comotion followed by a thud and we were pulled towards the scrub only to come face to face with a vision of horror. 

The shrew had lost her footing in all the comotion and fallen into the scrub behind which was a rather large ditch.  The kelb and I peered over the ditch at the shrew who was on her back and seemed to have turned into Mrs De Niro.  Death threats were issued, she was all red faced and teeth as she scrabbled out of the ditch, she was covered in foul smelling bog water and her hair and clothes were festooned with dried dead thistles and grass. 

She made it back onto the bank of the ditch just in time for two surfers to come plodding through the field.  The kelb and I were forced to do the walk of shame past the surfers with the bog monster in tow.   I made eye contact to indicate that the stink was emenating from the shrew and once again the shrew found herself in the field with a pair of surfers scrabbling to get away from her.  We picked up the pace homeward as she snarled and gnashed her way along the path.  I suspect that walks may be off the agenda this weekend!

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Day 409 in Exile

The shrew took us up into the sand dunes again this morning.  As soon as we got up there the kelb started showing off because he was off lead, he was leaping and skipping up and down the dunes.  He leapt onto one hill and fell off!  He has all the grace of a wounded rhino, he went from skipping gayly through the hills to tumbling down it in a grunting wheezing heap in about 2 seconds.  He attempted a gymnastic landing, but his front legs gave out as he landed and he crumpled onto his chin.  He then of course had to go through the drama of hopping about for a time to make the shrew worry over him, of course the gormless git was inconsisitent about which leg he hopped with!

We carried on trundling through the dunes, I was snorting about in the long grass looking for any bunnies that might be out.  The shrew is so kind she allows me to be on a long line so I can go off and have a good snort, I went through a tunnel of grass but because the shrew was 5 metres away I went through and the line went over.  The old bat tried to coax me back through the tunnel of grass, but being slight I wasn't heavy enough to push the grass aside.  She ended up having to come in and get me.  After a lot of panting and wheezing she finally managed to get me free, I jumped over her and continued snuffling about, she looked rather put out by this as she fell backwards in a heap and had to hang onto the line and right herself.

We made our way back down towards the beach again, the shrew shouted the kelb to wait for us.  As he stood waiting at the top of the descent back down to the sand an insane rabbit ran right under his nose, the kelb almost took a heart attack and leapt six feet into the air and took off in the opposite direction.  He then, clearly trying to regain composure did a circle and pretended to go after the rabbit, which no doubt by this stage had made it to China!  He really is a ninny!

We all bundled back down onto the beach and the kelb found a massive bit of seaweed he decided to engage in battle.  He picked it up and flung it into the air a few times and then grabbed it and ran off, the seaweed was so big that as he tried to run away with it he tripped and once again went sailing down the beach on his chin!  Planktonstein to the last!

 Have you ever just looked at someone and thought "who pee'd in that gene pool?"

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Day 407 in Exile

Hahahahaahahahahaahahahahahaa!  Oh my, I have bellyache from laughing so much this morning!  The kelb has truly excelled himself today.  He woke the shrew up at 6 am, as he threw up seaweed he had consumed the day before all over her bedroom rug.  He is such a drama queen you can hear him hurling in Manchester!  The shrew cleared it all up and then went back to bed.  Once we got up and had breakfast we went for a walk to the beach, the first thing the kelb did was to run onto the beach and start grazing on the seaweed.  The shrew was outraged and began windmilling, she shooed him down to the far end of the beach away from any potential scavenging attempts.

We moved up into the dunes and as there was no one around and no sheep the shrew let the kelb free.  A move she was about to bitterly regret.  There were a few rabbits darting about the dunes and the kelb went after them, he is so old and slow he had no chance.  The shrew hurried through the dunes as I leapt about in the long grass snorting and checking out as many warrens as I could on my long line.  The kelb suddenly disappered, the shrew whistled, nothing.  She whistled again, still nothing.  This was very unusual for the kelb as he is such a big wuss if he loses eye contact with her he has a melt down.  The shrew whistled a third time and this time the kelb's stupid fat head popped up looking gormless as ever.  It would appear that Planktonstein had decided to go all Black Ops on the rabbits and disguise himself by rolling in the most rancid, smelly poo!

The shrew was raging.  She made him walk several paces ahead of us and then as we approached the beach again she put him back on a lead.  We made our way back down the path towards home the shrew chastised the kelb as we went, I could barely walk for sniggering.  The shrew had a major stomp on.  As we got into the last field two surfers came along the narrow path, but as soon as their nostrils made contact with the rancid smell of the kelb they gave us a very wide berth.  The shrew exaseprated feebly explained that it was the dog that smelt, I am not convinced they believed her as they scrabbled off as fast as they could, surf boards under their arms.

The kelb has now been shampooed to within an inch of his life and told in no uncertain terms if he even LOOKS at her new couches she will flatten him. He is pouting on his bed and she is pouting on the sofa.  I can't stop laughing!