Thursday, 21 June 2012

Day 258 in Exile

The shrew does not seem to appreciate me serenading her with my Bedouin folk songs at midnight, she appreciates it even less when she stumbles out of bed like some kind of Apocolyptic Zombie and lurches towards my crate yelling at me that I had better need to pee or else.  I pottered around the garden, taking my time to sniff every plant, as the shrew muttered under her breath.  As we went through the front door I was instructed very sternly that I had better get myself back to bed and shut my face!  The shrew can be very rude and ungrateful sometimes.

Needless to say she was not really up for the game of "Just out of reach" that I attempted to engage her in after our amble round the garden in the evening dusk.  In fact she became quite irate as I skipped about the lounge easily avoiding her clumsy grabbing as she hissed through gritted teeth that I would be shortly dispatched if I did not go to bed.  Knowing that she is incapable of catching me, I blew a few raspberries in her direction and carried on leaping about from couch to chair, until she became enraged and threw a cushion at me!  I was outraged, I could have been killed!  I huffed upstairs and threw myself on her bed in a sulk. 

The shrew was further exasperated when she had finally lumbered up the stairs and discovered me sprawled on her bed.  She tried to shoo me away into my crate, but I continued the game of "Just out of reach" with her.  She was now fuming and yelling at me that she had no intention of playing and she kept telling me what time it was.  I scuttled about her bed a bit more sniggering to myself.  Every now and again the kelb raised his big fat head from his basket and shot me a look of disgust.  I blew a raspberry at him too.

The shrew finally lost patience and rugby tackled me to the bed, then attempted to lift me off, I hung like a sack of potatoes and wriggled about to make sure it was not easy to move me.  I was then unceremoniously stuffed into my crate and warned that if there was one more peep out of me that evening I would be taken on a long walk of a short pier!  I flung myself down in the crate and pouted, making sure that the shrew felt suitably guilty for being so unkind, but she simply glowered at me and turned off the lamp saying a very huffy "GOODNIGHT!"

She looks a bit rough this morning and it took a good 20 minutes post alarm for her to drag herself out of her pit.  I was greeted with a glare and she has huffed under her breath since she woke up.  Perhaps it was a bridge too far to run off with the fixings for her new blinds when I got downstairs this morning, she almost had a siezure.  I didn't dare chew them as the look of pure rage on her face was enough to end that little game.  The shrew is such a hideous bore!


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Day 250 in Exile

We have just got back from our walk this morning and the shrew is in the foulest of moods.  The walk was fairly boring for the most part, the usual trudge for miles along the forest track not passing a soul.  The kelb and I munching on the odd bit of sheep poo when the shrew wasn't paying attention.  If she catches us, you would think we had eaten a baby!  She launches into a tirade of whinging about how revolting we are, while we trot along beside her rolling our eyes.

Just as we were getting to the end of the walk, the shrew spotted another walker coming with his two dogs.  We see them on the odd occasion and I have taken a dislike to his kelb companions.  The shrew knows this and she got me into a headlock which was most undignified and launched herself into the scrub at the side of the path dragging the kelb with her.  I was not amused at being forced into the scrub like some commoner and I started screaming abuse at the passing kelbs who in turn yelled back at me.  The kelb not having a clue what we were all yelling about, decided that he too must join in the shouting.  The two infidels looked at each other somewhat embarrassed as we all hurled abuse at each other like some sort of unruly football crowd.  All the while the shrew was hanging onto us both for grim death, her teeth gritted as she told us both we had better be quiet and stop making a show of her.  Pah!  She was red faced, and in a ditch wrestling two dogs, making show of herself!  I was very cross at being held onto and started to fling myself in the air and shake as if I was throwing off water after a bath, it was very difficult for the shrew to hold onto me but blow me she managed it!  I carried on with the flinging as the passing infidel sped up with his two dogs looking rather concerned that we would be too much for the shrew.  The woman is built like a Russian shot putter, I tried with all my might to get free of her and eat his dogs, but it was like wrestling with a bloody Crocodile.  She gritted her teeth and became pretty ticked off as I continued with the flinging and shrieking.  Eventually I managed to pull her over in the ditch and she landed on her knees on the rocks, as she had ended up standing on the kelbs lead and she lost her footing.  once she was over she just lay there face down still hanging onto our head collars and now she was raging at us.  This made the passing party speed up a bit more the man throwing worried looks over his shoulder and they were finally out of sight.

Once the shrew had righted herself she frog marched us both along the road for some minutes muttering about what crap dogs we were.  We got back to the car and drove home.  She spent an hour soaking in the bath when we got home, and she keeps telling me if her elbow flares up again I am toast!  I think I will just keep out of her way for a little while.  Goodness me and she has the cheek to call Salukis drama queens!