Thursday, 27 November 2014

Day 3 million several hundred and a bit more in Exile



The shrew became very excited after a trip into town at the weekend to see the Christmas lights being switched on. She has interpreted this as the go ahead (much to the annoyance of everyone else in the house) to festoon the house in as much tinsel and light strings as she can lay her hands on.  She has also erected a monstrosity of a Christmas tree in the corner of the lounge complete with its garish embellishments. She refused my offer of assistance when erecting the tree and I was ushered away.  Several hours passed and eventually the shrew emerged from a mountain of tinsel looking battle weary and on the verge of hysteria as she gathered the other infidels to behold and praise her efforts upon pain of death.  She was most disappointed and twitching slightly when the adolescent infidels shrugged and skulked back to their lair muttering the word “whatever” both narrowly escaping a flying festive slipper adorned with little fat reindeer (which I intend to eat at a later date).

I actually quite enjoy Christmas, on the basis that the infidels become very careless about the plates of food stacked high with the most sumptuous goodies.  They don’t find my efforts at creating Christmas decorations very helpful and always refuse point blank to adorn the tree with my festive excreta, complete with little spangly bits of tinsel that I have scoffed when they are not looking.  This is possibly due to the fact that most of my Christmas decorations are made of bodily excretions; my warm chicken centrepiece was vigorously rejected on the grounds that it was apparently quite revolting.  The same can be said of the hideous fat fairy adorning the top of the Christmas tree.  A truly demented vision of an angel; which the shrew “cleverly” fashioned from an old toilet roll and some netting (one would never guess!) some years ago and this year it looks even more mental because its head is half hanging off. 

Once again I find my ears assaulted by groups of pre-pubescent crooners murdering Bing Crosby classics, made worse by the shrew's incessant need to play every single Christmas song in the world AND sing along to it. I have a feeling that the male infidel will forgive me for eating the ipod, he is lucky to be thousands of miles away and not having to suffer this hideous ritual.  If I hear Noddy Holder one more time I will chew off my own ears!  There is NOTHING in the world more irritating than the Christmas shrew!  A creature to be feared I can assure you.  She has a never ending supply of Christmas hats and hideous jumpers that she actually leaves the house wearing!  If it wasn't for all the lovely food at this time of years I would make a break for it, even the kelb who worships the shrew, has a weary look about him at this time of year.