Living With Infidels

Day 81 in Exile

2011-12-24T13:35:00.000+03:00

This morning, the shrew, myself and the kelb took our usual trot down to the beach and up into the hills. Today she decided to take us up into the village on a circuit first and it turned out to be quite fun. We walked up the hill out at the front of the house and on into the village. Just at the top of the hill there is a builders yard and to the left of it a large pond teaming with ducks and geese. The gate was open leading into the pond and I thought it might be fun to engage with these creatures. I let out a bark and to mine and the shrew's absolute horror a big goose at the front reared up, all wings and beak and started to charge at me! Very rude indeed! I barked even more and started to rear up myself trying to free myself of the infidel shackles that they insist on walking me in. The female was becoming hysterical as the goose ran up the lane towards the gate honking, closely followed by two or three others, all wings open and looking rather annoyed. The harridan began to berate me and drag me up the road as she attempted to flee from the oncoming onslaught. She almost tripped over me twice, as I was trying to pull my lead off and the kelb was as usual looking on gormlessly, as were a couple of villagers that had just come out of the shop. I am not sure they have ever seen anything quite like it in their lives, a red faced shrieking harpy legging it up the road with a gormless kelb and a bucking hound, looking rather harrassed as she sped past them and yelled out "Sorry!" The geese finally tired of chasing us and returned to their pond. The villagers watched as the shrew darted out of sight into the scrub, giving me the stink eye all the way down the road. I think she will find the beach and hills far less stressful in future!

Day 73 in Exile

2011-12-16T16:38:00.001+03:00

This morning it has not been the harpy's day. We went for a walk on the beach and up into the hills, she had to make a slight diversion as there were sheep on the usual trail we take and whilst we can now walk past a field of them without yelling and pointing, she is not 100% confident about teetering on the edge of a cliff and passing them by. No sense of adventure!

As we got up into the hills this morning a cheeky rabbit shot out of the dunes right into my path. I was momentarily shocked, but being quick witted managed to grab it despite being on a lead and hold it. At which point the shrew was utterly astounded and for just one moment speechless! Of course her silence did not last and she told me to release it at once. By this time the kelb realised that I had some treasure and also wanted to have some, so I was growling at him! I don't share! The shrill grinding of the shrew's voice was too much to bear and I decided to let the rabbit go, as I am a chaser not a killer and all my joy comes from running after the little furry creatures. As I let it go I saw the horror on the female infidel's face as she braced herself and the kelb and I both took off in different directions, still on leads. She was almost pulled in half like a wish bone and began shrieking even more. She sounded like a crow sqwuaking and was flapping her arms around in an alarming manner. Finally she got us back under control and the rabbit had made off into the dunes to no doubt have a heart attack.

We carried on walking through the hills and headed back towards the beach. Just as we reached the top of a dune a little bird flew across her path bouncing down the hill in flight. My running instinct kicked in and I took her off guard as I plummeted down the hill after the little bird taking her and the kelb with me. I was quite impressed by the fact she remained upright until she was half way down the dune, which was pretty solid from the ground frost. She tripped over her own feet and stumbled and once again the female infidel was flat out prone position face in the sand and miraculously still gripping onto our leads for grim death. She was very red in the face and through gritted teeth she yelled "STOP!". The kelb was gormless as ever wondering what had just happened.

The shrew got up and brushed all the sand off herself, regained her composure and we made our way back along the beach towards home. Normally she takes a little pathway back, but this morning she looked at it and it was very icy, so she decided to go back through all the fields. We ambled along, and she almost lost her mind as the kelb started to munch on the frozen horse manure that was spread in the field. I think this was a bridge too far for her this morning. If only she had known that just as we tunred out of the last field the local farmer would send his flock down to the fields directly into our path. I thought she would spotaneously combust as she attempted to scrabble back to the safety of the field we had just come out of, dragging us along behind her as she speed marched us up the road away from the oncoming sheep heading our way. She somehow managed to shove us through the gate just as they all ran up the hill past us bleating and blowing raspberries at the kelb and I, who by now had been rugby tackled to the ground and were being held hostage behind a wall in a frozen field, as the shrew lay in the freezing mud clinging onto our collars like her life depended on it cursing like Mrs De Nero and looking rather ticked off. I don't know when we shall be walked again.

Day 65 in Exile

2011-12-08T12:51:00.001+03:00

Oh my stars, todays walk was so funny! It is wild out there today, rain and high winds. The shrew decided that she would walk us anyway, so we went through the ritual of bundling up and heading out. Everything was going well until the kelb (yes I know you are shocked but I seriously was not enjoying the weather this morning) saw a rabbit on the beach. The old bat must have seen it first, because she had already cunningly secured him to his lead.

After seeing the rabbit the female infidel decided we would get off the beach and head into the hills. Well the boneheaded buffoon went into some kind of rampage, which resulted in the female having to attach him across her body so that she had her full weight (quite a considerable weight I can tell you) behind him as he dragged us most unceremoniously through the dunes, nose to the ground while the wind whipped around us. The shrew bellowed like a cow in labour as she stumbled through the hills red faced and looking rather harrassed.

She obviously tired of this and turned back towards the beach. Just as we reached the top of a dune I could see the cogs turning in her tiny mind and she decided it was far safer to let the kelb make his own way down the bank than to be dragged there by his beefy carcass. She released him and he turned back to the hills teaming with rabbit warrens. Most displeased and half way down the bank the female yelled to him to return immediately. He turned and looked down on us from his vantage point and then suddenly to the shrew's absolute horror the dull witted buffoon decided to launch himself off the dune to the part of the path we were gingerly making our way down. All I heard was the shrieking of a terrified infidel as the fat kelb landed right on top of us knocking the female infidel off her feet which resulted in us both rolling down the hill in a heap onto the beach. Needless to say I was most diepleased by this and let them know by joining in the shrieking as we tumbled down the hill with the kelb in hot pursuit. As we landed at the bottom all I could see was the gormless face of the kelb looking down at us wagging his stupid tail, the harpy by now was bright red and furious. Needless to say that was the end of that little expedition and we went home with the kelb on an extremely short lead. Even though I am very cross with him for knocking me over, I can't help but snigger that "Mr Perfect" is currently the one in trouble with the harpy this morning. If I had not been so put off by the hideous weather, I might have joined forces with him on this one occasion. He has certainly gained a tiny bit of kudos with me.

Day 64 in Exile

2011-12-07T14:01:00.001+03:00

Life at Ice Station Zebra has certainly got a hell of a lot chillier. I never knew it was possible to be so cold! Frozen white stuff has been falling from the sky for days, covering the ground in a crisp white carpet of icy horridness. Walking with the harpy is such a bore at the moment, as she gingerly crawls along at a pace that would have a snail overtaking her! Her dulcet tones filling the air as she shrieks at the kelb to "Go steady!". I have even caught her toady rolling his eyes on walks of late, as she inches along the lane like an asthmatic tortoise.

This morning was hilarious! We took a short walk to the beach this morning, as the shrew keeps bleating about a bad knee. She was even more cautious than ever today, because the temperatures have dropped and the fallen snow has turned into a vast landscape of slippery ice. Getting ready to go out takes forever, as she layers herself and us up in coats, attaches spikes to her shoes and wears all manner of bizarre attire before she will even contemplete stepping out of the house. Once we were finally trussed up like stuffed penguins, we all waddled down the road to the beach. Just as we reached the bridge to the beach the kelb became very excited and alerted me to a field full of sheep, the sheep seeing his gargoyle like features, took off across the field in fright ( he is very ugly). I then decided to join in pointing out the sheep to the Harpy, who started to turn very red and become shriller and shriller as she was trying to fasten the gate shut again whilst holding onto a flimsy bag of (the kelb's) feces she had collected on route (a very strange infidel ritual that I am yet to undserstand) and both of our leads. As we were both boisterously pointing out the sheep the bag of poo was being flung this way and that, I was sure it would burst open onto her head. This was making her redder and redder and she became rather enraged at this point. She finally managed to secure the gate and decided to leave the bag there to collect on the way back. We headed for the bridge, at which point we were so excited at the prospect of some running that we rushed across the bridge at a rate of knots dragging her like a sack behind us as she stumbled and swore her way onto the beach. The beach was also covered in ice at the top end where the sea had not reached and I burst into hysterics as the kelb was released and took off like a bat out of hell across the beach, only to hit the ice and skid legs flailing like a new born deer until he eventually landed in a crumpled heap winded and did a couple of rolls yelping. he got up and then tested each leg trying to work out which one to feign injury from. He is such a gormless git!

We had a run up and down the beach and then returned home. I still felt hyped up after the walk and once the female infidel had freed me from my layers of coats and leads I rushed upstairs and un-made all of the beds. She came up behind me and sent me back down, but as she was re-making the beds I followed her round at great speed and undid them again. However, she did not find it as amusing as I did!

I am now lay in my basket under a balnket sleeping off this mornings shenanigans.

Day 21 in Exile

2011-10-25T12:37:00.002+03:00

Walking in this God forsaken land has proven to be a living nightmare! Yesterday the female infidel dragged us to the beach, the winds were so high that I was literally blown clean off my feet 3 or 4 times at least! The female infidel fancies herself as a comedienne and has discussed attaching weight bracelets to my ankles! I might bite her!

The only consolation to all the misery is watching the kelb, he is even more of a buffoon than ever these days. When we went to the beach yesterday, not only was I blown all over the place, but I was sand blasted to within an inch of my life as well! The kelb didn't even seem to notice and spent his time "murdering" sea weed. He was running up and down the beach like a lunatic. I swear if he body slams me one more time I shall eat his liver! The miserable shrew would not let me lose to dispatch a couple of crows that were taunting me, she was worried if I ran I would keep on running. Whatever gave her that idea? My life is so great, I bent over and a rainbow shot out of my ass! Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

I was reduced to hysterics last week when the male and female decided to drag us out in the most horrific weather. The wind was howling and balls of ice were falling from the sky for goodness sake. We walked along to the pier over the hill. In order to get there one must negotiate a cattle grid, however there is a gate that can be opened, so they decided to take that option. Before they had a chance to walk over to the gate, the kelb flung his beefy carcass across the cattle grid with all the grace of a stunned rhino! The male infidel totally unexpecting this turn of events was dragged with him and the kelb did a double roll and landed in a heap the other side of the grid. The female infidel then became enraged with the male infidel and yelled at him, as if the kelb's foolishness was all his fault, all the while I sniggered under my breath. Thankfully the kelb's utter stupidity brought an end to the torment of having to walk in driving rain and we turned back for home. The kelb put on an Oscar performance of being injured, but as usual he forgot which was the right leg and kept limping and holding out alternate legs. I think the pier is now off the list of walks for the forseeable future.

Day 14 in Exile

2011-10-18T14:59:00.001+03:00

Where have the infidels brought me? They have just taken me out for a walk in the wildest weather I have ever seen, I half expected an ambulance to pull up and for the infidels to be wheeled away in white jackets! WTF were the balls of ice falling from the sky? It was absolutely baltic out there.

I am currently sulking on the couch looking like a drowned Rastafarian! My coat has become crimped to within an inch of its life, despite the fact I had an over-sized coat on to walk in. I am not sure I shall ever speak to them again! The television is being drowned out by the wind howling down the chimney. The infidels are sat around in tracksuits drinking tea and looking soggy, the lounge looks like a Chav convention!

Day 13 in Exile

2011-10-17T21:18:00.000+03:00

Finally the infidels conscience was pricked enough for them to come and collect me. It only took a near death experience and many months of agony on my part. I tried to be indifferent towards them, but such was my joy to escape the gulag I could not contain myself for long. Even the infidel's meagre abode with its lack of even the most basic of facilities, such as my own private poo pit, beat the hell out of 6 months being banged up abroad with a dribbling gargoyle with mental health and hygiene issues.

Once freed from the confines of the gulag I was then subjected to what I can only describe as a marathon drive (sleep) through the country I am now forced to reside in until we finally arrived at ice Station Zebra, which I believe I am now expected to rejoice in calling home. Worse than that, they brought the kelb with us! Will I ever be free of him?

The first day I was "home", the nefarious infidel, not happy with having made my life a living nightmare for the last 6 months, took me to see a Vee Ee Tee! I was outraged! The female infidel said I was fat! How VERY dare she! To my absolute horror, the vet agreed and I am now on a diet. I am very unhappy about this, it has the word DIE in it! I have been reduced to scouring the kitchen for any unguarded morsels. I managed to make off with a frozen chicken drumstick the other day, cold food is not ideal in the temperatures here in the Arctic, but beggars cannot be choosers. My victory was short lived however as the miserable old shrew discovered me and viciously wrestled the chicken from my mandibles. I was left to starve for the evening.

The only element of enjoyment in this desolate and frozen wasteland is the walking. Never in my life have I experienced such variety of walks or travelled such distances. The smells are amazing, unless of course the kelb is along for the ride, his fetid carcass tends to kill any other scent in a 100 mile radius! We have been to some amazing locations, forests, beaches, piers. On occasion though I have been put out by the weather on these excursions, long gone is the beautiful sunshine and palm trees of my home land, instead there are gale force winds and rain like stair rods!

I discovered a new joy the other day; apparently they are called sheep! Little fluffy clouds of chaseability! Of course the wretched infidels will not allow me to chase them. They come over all dramatic about me being shot! I haven't seen an armed and dangerous sheep yet! The female infidel thought that a little jaunt through a field of the delightful creatures would desensitise me to them. Oh foolish creature, it only served to further convince me that Mary's little lamb could not out run me. After 15 minutes of hand to hand combat with me the female infidel threw her arms in the air in despair and carried my quivering carcass out of the field she was attempting to cross, stomping through the field like Ed 209. She only became further enraged when I dined on the little nuggets of sheep poo or attempted to roll it into my fur to disguise my presence in the field. As ever she remains the shadow of bore! I am now forced to take a 50 mile detour just to avoid her having to wrestle me through a field. She has been muttering about giving me to some farmer round the corner to deal with. Of course the kelb, dumb as ever became excited in the field, but without knowing why he was excited! Only a kelb!

Exile may just be fun!

Day 1450 of Captivity

2011-08-27T11:53:00.000+03:00

After what seems like an eternity, I still remain a captive in the gulag for dogs. Last week I decided that I clearly had to take matters into my own hands if I was ever to escape the tedium of being locked up 24 hours a day with the imbecile of a kelb. I decided that my best angle would be to take ill, requiring the Vet to come out and see me. Now, this was a huge sacrifice on my part, as Vee Ee Tees are most certainly not my favourite people in the World, they always want to manhandle you! Anyway I was hoping for a spot of R&R in the hospital wing away from the moronic conversations I have to endure living in close proximity to a buffoon.

The vet came out and after prodding me around, she left me with the kelb! I was horrified. It seemed it would take a little more determination on my part to get out of the cell. Two hours later having accomplished my goal the Vet had to return to me. I made sure this time to seem on the brink of death, as clearly that was what would be required to be taken seriously around here! Much wringing of hands ensued, and I was placed on a drip and finally moved to a room of my own. During my stay in this room I had round the clock attention. The kennel hands kept poking their heads around the door looking anguished and I made sure to look as pitiful as possible. I was hand fed and pampered. I was sure by now the infidels would be consumed with guilt and rush to collect me from the gulag, having been in here for so long even they are an appealing option these days.

I should have known that this would not be the case and after three days of hanging aound I became very tired of waiting! I woke up that morning and decided there was nothing for it and chewed out the drip, shredded all my bedding and ate the door frame of the room all to show my displeasure. Seeing that I was clearly feeling better the Vet returned and my jolly in the hospital wing was brought to a rather abrupt end! I was thrust back into the cell with the kelb. He was absolutely delighted to see me again of course, the feeling was by no means mutual I can assure you. I have decided that I have had enough of his incessant babble and so I have claimed the bedroom quarters as my own. Every time he attempts to come in and bore me, I chase him away with a flea in his ear. I think I might enjoy this as a new form of entertainment to pass away the dull days of captivity. Having a companion, even if he is a buffoon, is a little more fun than being n the hospital wing really; of course the kelb doesn't have to know that.

Day 1360 of Captivity

2011-05-24T20:51:00.002+03:00

Well I don't think much to the British paparazzi! I am still here, locked up in the gulag with the ghastly kelb, who actually seems to be quite enjoying himself. He has taken to inciting riots against the neighbouring kelb, a pitiful creature called Henry. The kelb spends all day tormenting him and yelling abuse over the prison wall. Henry sounds rather like an asthmatic version of Darth Vader, I fear he may keel over at any second judging by the rasping sounds coming from his cell!

The paparazzi photographer that came several weeks ago left us with a small token of his appreciation. We were both given a toy with a squeaker inside. The kelb being a buffoon ran up and down the cell wall showing off to Henry, goading the poor creature to the edge of madness. Needless to say as soon as the gormless one discovered it annoyed his mortal enemy I have been forced to endure a fortnight of him repeating this asinine exercise. This has greatly annoyed Henry, and strangely enough I have often felt the urge to insert said squeaker into various parts of the kelb's anatomy!

I reached breaking point a couple of days ago and was forced to confine him to his quarters upon pain of death or at least the threat of excruciating pain should he continue. The gulag staff did not seem to appreciate my taking matters into my own hands and have carried out a snatch raid of his crate so I am no longer able to intimidate him. I have now been classed as a dangerous inmate and a category A prisoner, instead of the poor victim of a bubbleheaded buffoon! They should try being cooped up for 24 hours with someone whose idea of fun is drooling incessantly and sniffing ones own farts! Is it me?

Day 1318 of Captivity

2011-04-13T13:15:00.000+03:00

Finally, my embassy has learnt of my plight at the hands of the nefarious infidels! I was more than a little disappointed that instead of sending representatives from the embassy, they sent some members of the British paparazzi to photograph my predicament. No doubt it will take time to build a case against the infidels and I shall have to remain steadfast and patient whilst they do this. The male member of the paparazzi took many photographs and I made sure to look as pathetic as I could possibly muster in order that when the Bedouin learn of this outrage they are suitably horrified by my circumstances.

Not only have I been incarcerated in a foreign land against my will, but they have also locked me up with the kelb! I hope that the paparazzi were not under the impression that we are together or that he needs saving too! To add insult to injury I am surrounded by kelbs, the neighbouring beasts are truly frightful and I thought that the kelb I have been forced into residence with was a gargoyle! I do not know how long I can last in this perdition.

The male member of the Paparazzi seemed to know that Marshmallows were my kryptonite and he came fully armed with them, that dastardly man even managed to coax me out of the indoor enclosure. I hope that seeing photos of me being hand fed marshmallows does not interfere with the case in any way, I feel rather embarrassed that I was not strong willed enough to resist, but in this gulag one takes the good things where one can.

I have been forced to maim myself by causing a small friction burn on my nose. This is after all a prison and I don't want the other kelbs to think me a weakling. I felt a small scar was a minor sacrifice in order to give me some notoriety and make the kelbs fear me, as now they think I am bit dangerous because I am sporting a wound. Oh, kelbs are so vapid, they are easily fooled!

Yes, I believe it makes me look rather savage, if not a little vicious. Hopefully it will keep any potential threat from these brutes at bay.

Of course the vacuous one is enjoying every minute of this hideous incarceration and spends his days staring at the neighbouring kelbs in deep fascination. I cannot believe he thought he was the only one of his kind, huh! If only! Whenever the guards come into the enclosure, he of course throws himself at them in total delight and acts in a completely undignified manner giving them a paw and generally being a little sycophant. It is absolutely sickening to see.

I can only pray that the press releases the story of my plight soon in order that the embassy can repatriate me to my beloved land and free me from this frozen nightmare!

Day 1287 of Captivity

2011-03-25T20:44:00.000+03:00

No wonder those nefarious infidels have been keeping me away from the laptop! I have discovered their dastardly plan and it is diabolical indeed, they intend to force me to leave my beloved land and live in the Scottish Highlands! That is almost the Arctic! I will surely freeze to death!

This is not the only fiendish plan they have up their sleeves, apparently not only are they dragging me across the world to a frozen wasteland, but I must first be sent to live in a gulag for dogs! I have to share a cell with the fetid kelb for 6 long and ghastly months! I can't believe it!

Day 1137 of Captivity

2010-11-02T11:51:00.000+03:00

The old shrew has really upped the ante when it comes to tormenting me! A few weeks ago she actually invited the Vee Ee Tee to dinner! Has she completely lost her mind?! He came along with his family, which consisted of a wife and a little tiny terrorist in the form of a small boy. I of course took to my crate in absolute horror that she would bring the nefarious evil doer to our home. Every time I see that man, he either stabs me or pokes me around. I think his visit was the first time that I have been in his presence and not been tortured. That is probably only because I glared at him from behind the safety of my crate door. He seemed to find this rather amusing! The kelb actually has a crate of his own now, but he seems reluctant to use it. Being on the same intellectual level as plankton, he decided to interact with the Vee Ee Tee and even wagged his tail and was welcoming! I spent much of the afternoon guffawing as the tiny terrorist was velcroed to the kelb, and following in his father's footsteps attempted on may occasions to do a full dental inspection of the kelb and also seemed to believe there was something wrong with his eyes which required poking out of them. The kelb looked forlorn at the attentions of this small boy but being the idiot he is, he just put up with it. The female infidel on occasion saved him when she felt the inspections were going a little too far. I think these miniature human off spring are rather like small out of control drunk people and best avoided at all costs. The only good thing about the entire sorry affair was that the female infidel had only pushed my door to, thinking that I would join them in my own time. I did! Just as the Vee Ee Tee and his family were leaving to go home. I snuck out of my crate and into the kitchen where I consumed as much of the left overs as I possibly could before they realised what i was up to. I gave myself indigestion eating two pies at once at great speed. It is the only way one can obtain anything delicious in this God forsaken house!

Once again we are in that awful time of year where the infidels go into Pagan over drive with all their strange festivals and rituals. It all started at the weekend with Halloween. The compound becomes filled with small people dressed in the most dreadful costumes and they go from house to house and try to obtain candy from the residents. They got a surprise when they came to our house, and I have to give the kelb kudos for his efforts at joining in the festivities by barking like a deranged hell hound. He actually managed to drool and bark simultaneously resembling Kujo. He scared them all away as a shower of flip flops rained down on us and they all screamed in anguish. The female infidel looked rather deflated as she stood on the doorstep beaming with her bowl of candy in hand. She could not understand why we were unable to give any away this year. Neither could her fetid toady the kelb.

We have the joy of bonfire night to look forward to this coming weekend. This is rather a horrific affair during which the infidels burn an old man on a large fire, whilst letting off miniature pyrotechnics. The infidels all shriek with glee as the poor old man disintegrates into a pile of ashes. I am not sure where they get their old men from, but I have to say they are very brave, last year he never even screamed once despite being thrown onto a raging inferno. All through this strange event the infidels stuff hot dogs and burgers into their fat greasy jowls. This festivity also includes eating something called Parkin, which has the same consistency as something the kelb has passed and is almost impossible to chew. The kelb spends much of the evening having a melt down as the sky is filled with bangs and glowing flashes while the female feebly attempts to pacify him.

Last year not five minutes after the "festival of fire" the female infidel became extremely excited on her way home from an errand, as she discovered that the recreation centre had erected their Christmas tree! She took this as a sign that we must follow suit and spent the rest of the day festooning the house in as much gold paper and raffia as she could lay her hands on at such short notice while the rest of the family looked on as if she had finally lost her mind. She also put up her monstrosity of a Christmas tree complete with its garish embellishments. She refused any assistance from me whilst erecting this excrescence. Several hours passed and eventually she emerged looking battle weary and on the verge of hysteria as she gathered all the other infidels to behold her efforts and praise them on pain of death. Any effort on my part to contribute to this insane activity are always rejected. They point blank refused last year to adorn the tree with my festive excreta complete with little bits of spangly tinsel I had eaten during her energetic outburst of festive mayhem. My warm chicken centre piece was vigorously rejected on the grounds that it was disgusting! The same can be said of the Fairy that adorns the top of the evergreen nightmare that adorns the corner of our lounge each year. A truly demented vision of an angel, which the female infidel "cleverly" fashioned from an old toilet roll and some netting. One would never guess!

No doubt the weeks ahead will consist of the female infidel attempting to play every Christmas song in existence as she sits in the kitchen fashioning Christmas cards from bits of felt and glitter for her poor unsuspecting friends, who always smile politely and no doubt deposit them in the garbage receptacle as soon as they get to the safety of their homes. I can barely contain my excitement at the prospect!

Day 1105 of Captivity

2010-09-25T08:46:00.000+03:00

I haven't been able to get close to a computer in weeks, the infidels seem to be plotting something. They are constantly huddled around laptops muttering excitedly for hours. I have no idea what machinations those fiends have in mind, but I am sure I am not going to like it. Anyway, I have finally managed to prize the old shrew off her laptop, so that I can update you all on the latest atrocities that I have endured under the regime of the evil infidels.

The female infidel continues to be an intolerant shrew. Last week she was preparing a sandwich and there was a box containing half a kilo of pastrami on the counter next to her. It smelt divine and I couldn't help myself, she is too tightfisted to have allowed me a morsel, so I decided to just take a slice. Unfortunately when I leapt up onto the counter to take one, she startled me and I grabbed the entire contents of the box. I was forced to consume it on the run as she shrieked at me and called me a greedy mare! I could have contracted heart burn! She did not seem amused by my endeavors and unfortunately she was even less amused when the result was that I once again suffered with an upset stomach as a result of too much pepper on the pastrami. If she had only let me have one slice this would never have been a problem.

The female infidel is entirely lacking in any level of humour. A friend of hers payed her a visit recently and instead of focussing on me and how stunningly beautiful and exciting I am, they stood in the kitchen twittering over a cup of tea. The female infidel kept on occasionally poking her accusing head around the kitchen door to see what I was up to, because she seems to get very unnerved if I am too quiet. (There is no pleasing some people!). Not wishing to disappoint her, once she became complacent, I snuck upstairs and stole a toilet roll from the adolescent infidel's bathroom and proceeded to shred it with gay abandon, all the way down the stairs into the lounge and across the couch. The look of horror on the old bat's face was truly priceless as she poked her head around the door expecting to still see me napping on the couch. Her friend seemed to find it funny, even if the miserable old female infidel did not. She snatched up the shredded paper, chastising me and telling me I am not the Andrex dog, well thank goodness for he is a kelb!

The hilarity continued yesterday, when the kelb and I went out to the garden in the morning to use the toilet area I raced him back up the stairs and stole his bed. Neither the infidels nor their fetid kelb seemed amused by this, making it all the more funny. I made myself comfortable on his bed while he sat in front of me looking forlorn. The female infidel tried to encourage me to move, so I pouted at her, showing my disdain. The kelb eventually squashed himself into my little chair and looked extremely uncomfortable, so I stretched out as long as I could on his bed to let him know that I was perfectly fine. The female infidel was not amused and called the kelb to lie on her bed with her. We are never allowed on there, so the kelb made himself comfortable and blew raspberries at me! I decided to sleep and ignore their smugness. I believe that even in sleep I managed to scowl at them.

The cycling contraption seems to have been out of commission for some time and the female infidel has been walking us on a leash by foot. It has been an excellent opportunity for the kelb and I to attempt to dislocate her shoulders. Several weeks ago a peasant cat dared to engage us in combat. The female infidel was quite incensed by the situation. The cheeky creature actually dared to scratch my nose which resulted in the witch doctor administering her first aid so I was not happy at all! The female infidel tried everything to send the prince of darkness on its way, she threw water at it, stamped her feet and yelled, but we were so engaged in combat that the stupid creature did not seem to care, until that is the female infidel in a fit of pique threw a tennis ball at it. She caught it clean in the head and how laughed as it beat a hasty retreat. She has since taken to carrying a pocket full of rocks and on several occasions since, the vapid creature has attempted to launch a further attack on us, only to be stoned by the female infidel. She has gone up in my estimations since, she has finally realised that cats are peasant creatures and should be killed. She really doesn't like this particular cat. It made an unsuccessful attempt to attack us again this morning, if only the female infidel would release me I would dispatch it with glee. She prefers to practice her shot putting techniques and this morning she threw a boulder at the feral creature. I was briefly in awe of her! Sadly she missed, but it was enough to stop the nefarious creature in his tracks. The hairy infidel has been walking with us recently and he isn't quite as assertive as the female infidel, in my excitement to get to the peasant cat, I leapt up and scratched the hairy infidel down his trunk, sending him into a black mood for the rest of the walk.

I am off to trawl through the history on the female's laptop to see if I can discover what their evil plot is all about.

Day 1055 of Captivity

2010-07-08T10:10:00.002+03:00

It has been all go around here! The female infidel recently took in a young blind Saluki cross puppy, she had this insane idea that having a puppy to mother would help to settle my hormones! She really couldn't have timed it better, I had a pseudo season during his stay. Quite frankly, I don't have a maternal bone in my body! Puppies are irritating little creatures and he was half kelb! The very idea that a Saluki would sully themselves in such a way just beggars belief. I soon tired of the cheeky young upstart, when he thought it was fun to chew my tail. I can quite understand why some animals consume their young! They just take up too much of your time and take the limelight away from you! Everyone coos and burbles over them. Granted, infidels coo and burble much of the time, it was hard to tell the difference.

Thankfully he only stayed a short while and she was able to find him a home. Life has returned to the usual tedium but the female infidel is back to my beck and call. I spent much of the time he was staying pacing round restlessly; it almost drove the female infidel to the brink of insanity. Particularly when these pacing episodes were carried out during the wee hours of the morning. (tee hee)

The only bonus to having the puppy around was that the kelb was completely terrified of him. One evening he was trapped in the laundry room, because said pup was stood in front of him. He is such a buffoon, he towered over the puppy and could have crushed him in the wink of an eye, but being the great girl that he is, averted his eyes and looked extremely worried (I have taught him this is a requirement when standing in front of a Saluki, so perhaps the half breed confused him. He isn't blessed in the brains department!). The female infidel had to come and save him from the peril of being stared at by a tiny weeny puppy, who was blind!

Of course it was up to me to teach the young upstart any manners. Not chewing my tail seemed to be a lesson he struggled to learn. He was such a drama queen when I severely scruffed him for it. The female infidel said I was far too harsh! I have seen her savage her offspring on many an occasion. Smacks rather of the pot calling the kettle to me!

Now that the puppy has gone I have been able to return to my role as "Undisputed Counter Surfing Champion, KSA". (C'mon dispute me; I dare you!) Just the other day the infidels baked a key lime pie. They put it on the counter and turned to get some plates out. The pie, baked with love and still warm was too good to resist, I decided to help myself much to their horror. The male infidel shouted at me, I snorted at him and continued to eat, he didn't seem to find this very acceptable especially as I only ate the meringue. Last night I was able to abscond with a garlic naan; the male infidel thought that the usual flapping of arms would convince me to drop my contraband, but I found it much more entertaining to eat on the hoof and made him chase me round the dining table, until I came down with a case of heartburn. I regretted this act at 3 am when I found myself crapping like a goose in the garden, under the harsh glare of the female infidel. She also strongly objected to my skiing round the lounge carpet post pooing! She is such a drag.

Day 1030 of Captivity

2010-06-13T19:01:00.002+03:00

Allah save me! The female infidel has embarked on some sort of canine first aid course. I have spent the past month enduring the insufferable indignity of being restrained, poked, prodded and splinted. I can only thank my lucky stars that the temperature section did not advise the use of rectal thermometers in the home! I thought I may have to consume that chapter. I found having my ear bandaged most objectionable! I seem to be the target for most of her insane activities whilst she studies this subject, apparently I am a more challenging dog than the buffoon of a kelb. Probably because unlike that dull-witted nincompoop I strongly object to being slowly tortured to death by a cacky fingered old wanna be witch doctor. Even if I was dying, I would not be calling on the "expertise" of that old shrew to save me!

In order to avoid her advances, I have taken to hiding away in my crate whenever I see her approaching me with a look of grim determination on her face. That look generally means I will end the afternoon looking like I belong in a sarcophagus! I believe she intends on doing a canine aggression course next, I will be mightily glad to assist her with her studies of this one! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Day 995 of Captivity

2010-05-08T20:07:00.002+03:00

I expect you all foolishly thought that the infidels had finally turned over a new leaf and begun to treat me like the Queen I am. No such luck! I haven't managed to document my plight recently, because the female infidel has been going to work and her treasured laptop is strictly out of bounds in her absence. I hated her going to work, not because I like her of course, but because she is more attentive than the other infidels. I was left in the "care" of the adolescent hairy one and the emo in her absence and am lucky to not have died from the dullness of spending the days in their inane company. They were far too busy "studying" or playing feeble minded video games to notice me.

The kelb almost drove me to distraction moping around in the absence of his beloved companion. I spent much of the day crying, not because I missed the female, but because I was so consumed with ennui at my circumstances and it grated on the adolescents last nerve. Not that juveniles are known for their patience! An added bonus to this was that when the teenaged infidels imparted this detail to the female, she became wracked with guilt for having abandoned me to this torment.

The adolescents enjoyed spending much of the day giving chase whenever I absconded with the tea towels from the kitchen or the female infidel's shoes. It gave them some exercise and prevented them from further becoming couch potatoes. The hairy infidel was prone to the odd fit of rage, and tended to vent his spleen after the umpteenth time of chasing me, but I believe this to be quite normal of adolescent ones.

The weather has been ghastly! We have experienced some dreadful storms, one which took out the satellite dish and much of the garden. The infidels have expected that I should still wish to use the outdoors as a bathroom, whilst the rain has been coming down like stair rods! I should rather risk renal collapse than go out in such dreadful weather. They have attempted to cajole and coax me into such madness, I have simply glared at them through the back door and made sure to leave them out in the murky weather, hopeful that I should join them and urinate out there. I'd like to see them try and poo in a force 9 gale! At one point I feared they would wring me out, threats were made, tantrums were thrown and eventually I had to yield to their lunacy. The kelb was just as reluctant to pander to their requests and he cowered in the doorway afraid that the lightening would strike him down (which I assured him it would. Ha!).

It has been threatening to rain again this evening, so before the infidels embarked on another campaign of madness to coax me out into the garden, I managed to gain access to the hairy infidel's room and relieve myself on his carpet. I didn't think anyone would notice, given that it smells like sassquatch's lair in there anyway, but I was caught in the act and once again the hairy one broke into an epic and boring rant.

The female infidel has finally seen the light and realised that she belongs at home pandering to my every whim, rather than in the work place pandering to the whims of other lesser mortals. She is back at home again and I am making sure she suffers for her faux pas. It was recently her birthday and the male infidel bought her a Blackberry. It has been most amusing to watch the sausage fingered cretin attempt to use such a dainty instrument to message her cronies. She has spent many a day standing in the living room swearing like a docker, clutching her new piece of technology with a look of grim determination in her eyes as she attempts to use the item in her usual ham fisted manner. I am not sure what possessed the male infidel to imagine that she could master such a device. So far she has managed to keep it out of my reach, but I am a patient creature, and the time will come she leaves it unattended, and I shall take my revenge for her having abandoned me for the best part of a month! She is often seen sitting in a chair stroking it and giggling fiendishly, whispering to her "precious". I am sure it will taste all the more divine knowing that it will completely ruin her day if I eat it. Her precious shall be mine! Mwahahahahaha!

Life has returned to the usual drudgery of the shrill harpy squashing every little expression of freedom, but she is back at home and I can once again torment her. All is as it should be again.

Day 946 of Captivity

2010-03-20T19:52:00.003+03:00

The infidels are very pleased with themselves indeed! They have recently purchased a new cooker, blaming the old one for all of their culinary disasters. Now every time they cook something the remaining members of the family are expected to congratulate the cook and greet the offering with jubilation. The female infidel made some vegetarian (yes I know the very thought is anathema) sausage rolls containing cheese. I have to admit they smelt divine, but every time I attempted to enter the kitchen I was ruthlessly banished by the female infidel, flapping her arms like a geriatric gnat trying to take flight. She eventually got tired of my diversionary tactics and brought the plate of food into the lounge to cool where it was under her watchful gaze. the only thing for it was to have a tantrum.

I have had some success taking food from the feeble nerdy infidel. Yesterday I absconded with a slice of pizza after overpowering the little milksop. I also managed to raid the handbag of a visiting infidel today, not once but twice. I found a lovely little packet of biscuits and was just savouring them when I was discovered and they were rudely snatched away.

The infidels went off over the weekend and spent the day with other people's kelbs, apparently some people socialise their kelbs! The infidels felt that if we attended it would be complete carnage. I did not want to attend, it is bad enough having to live with one disgusting gargoyle without having to spend an entire afternoon in the company of half breeds. The infidels came back reeking of kelb, it was absolutely stomach-churning! Ghastly creatures. I made sure to lie in my crate for the evening away from the stench of fetid kelb. Of course the drooling buffoon I reside with was only too happy to sit with his beloved infidels, having spent the afternoon lamenting their departure. Tragic!

I have finally discovered what is inside the TV remote having chewed it in half. It was not quite the exciting revelation I anticipated. It just contained circuit boards. It is, however, extremely amusing to watch the infidels contorting themselves into some truly bizarre positions in an attempt to change the channel.

Day 926 of Captivity

2010-02-28T21:11:00.002+03:00

Those devils took me in the automobile to visit the Vee Ee Tee today! As soon as the female infidel separated her beloved kelb from me, I knew she was up to something. I made sure she had to chase me round the house to get my leash on, snorting and wheezing like an asthmatic rhino, as she tried her best to catch up with me. She finally managed to get me into the vehicle, although I did my best to prevent this from happening by spreading all four feet across the open door and tugging back as hard as I could. I was no match for the Russian shot putter's sturdy frame (especially as I was weak with hunger) and her might prevailed.

Once in the car it took me all my strength to summon up a feeble amount of bile, as the evil shrew, fearing the worst on the car journey, starved me today. I had to almost turn myself inside out to vomit on her, but I managed enough to make her gag. Twice on the way there and twice on the way home, the male infidel was driving like the Stig over the most bumpy bits of road he could possibly find.

Once at the offices of the nefarious creature they call the Vet, I was completely terrified. Last time they took me I was sawn in half! Everyone in the waiting room of course thought I was extremely beautiful and cooed and sighed over me, but I gave them all my most piercing stare to make sure they kept away. A kelb was brought in and I gave the cheeky young upstart my most withering stare. He was unable to meet my gaze and rushed passed me to get into the room with the Vet! Little did he know I just found him distasteful, Sweeny Todd the Vet was going to steal his testicles! Kelbs are so vapid.

I was brutally stabbed twice by the Vet in the neck. He also manhandled my ears which made me very unhappy. If I was not so worried that Sweeny Todd would chop me up, I would have surely bitten him. The infidels seemed quite happy to let this evildoer manhandle me as much as he liked, as they twittered on about my diet or lack thereof! I only weighed a pitiful 17.5 KGs, as the witch has starved me to the brink of death!

When I returned home again, the kelb was so thrilled to see me he drooled on me! 9 out of 10 voices in my head told me to kill him, the other just kept humming the melody of Tetris!

I have been forced to scout the kitchen for the remains of the infidel's meal in the dishes which were left soaking in the kitchen sink (she must have burnt the dinner again). It tasted of soap and was not very filling! How they have managed to get so fat on what they eat, I shall never know, most of their food is disgusting and tastes like feet or perhaps it is just her cooking!

day 914 of Captivity

2010-02-16T16:13:00.002+03:00

A couple of days ago the female infidel went off to one of her coffee mornings. When she returned she brought with her an entourage of ladies. The kelb and I went out into the garden with two of them. Unbeknown to the female infidel I slunk back inside and was left unattended in the lounge. The female infidel was far too busy twittering on in the kitchen to some poor soul. Realising that I was no longer out in the garden and that I was very quiet, she thought it wise to come and investigate.

She was left red faced and aghast when she discovered that in her absence I had been foraging through the visitors bags and to my delight I had discovered a heart shaped cookie so beautifully wrapped, I was sure it must be for me. I took the cookie out of the bag, carefully unwrapped it and of course devoured it, I am not sure I even tasted it. The female infidel stood in the doorway burbling her excuses and throwing me the most withering looks. I snorted my contempt for her and trotted gaily into the garden to see if any of the other visitors had been kind enough to bring me a gift.

The cycling contraption has been off the road for a few days. It is entirely the kelb's fault. I am not sure there is a bike on the planet capable of standing up to his corpulent carcass, as he gallops through the compound with gay abandon. The brakes were non existent and the rear tyre in shreds. The female infidel was forced to lead walk us and is now incapacitated having come down with a terrible bout of shin splints. She is lying on the couch with her feet up looking thoroughly miserable and bleating every few seconds that she is in great pain but mustn't grumble. No longer able to bear her bleating, the male infidel dragged her off to the hospital and she is now off her face on pain killers and a lot quieter (and pleasanter).

We will have fun tomorrow, as the male infidel has been press ganged into taking us for a walk. We haven't been out for two days, as the female infidel has been on her death bed and the male infidel is far too lazy to walk us AND put in a days work at the office. Much eye rolling and scowling has taken place by the female infidel and I don't think he dare refuse a third day. After all she dragged herself round in "great pain"! I intend to take full advantage of the situation and have been secretly dining on sprouts and peanuts for days, I intend to make the evacuation as public and spectacular as possible, as he never remembers to carry bags. Security are fully aware where he resides, as it is a very small compound. I can hardly wait for that knock on the door!

Day 904 of Captivity

2010-02-06T19:19:00.002+03:00

The infidels went out on Wednesday night to see a group of men in skirts squeezing the life out of octopi to the rhythmic beat of rock music. They have very strange ideas about what is entertainment. I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels much to my chagrin. I spent the evening pretending I needed to be let out into the garden, then once out there I ate the plants until I needed to vomit, which did not impress the hairy infidel one bit! He is a bit imperious at the best of times. He spent much of the evening raging and when the infidels returned from their evening of fun he vented his spleen for at least 20 minutes before stomping off to his lair declaring that he was never being in charge of me again, as if he was!

The following morning the infidels, clearly guilt ridden for having left me in the care of such a dictator, went out shopping. They returned having purchased a new quilt for me covered in fairies and cup cakes, the female infidel was so thrilled with it. To show my contempt for her feeble gift I shredded it that very evening along with the cuddly toy they bought for the drooling imbecile of a kelb I must endure. I cannot be sure the female infidel did it on purpose, but she put the AC on in the bedroom that night and I was absolutely freezing. She muttered, unsympathetically I might add, that had I not eaten my new quilt I should be lovely and warm. I swear she was gloating beneath her 30 tog quilt.

To pay her back for her insolence I woke her at 2am desperate to gain access to the garden. It was absolutely freezing outside, but I made sure to keep her out there for a good 45 minutes, while I hung out in the toilet area crapping like a goose. She had to clear it all up before the buffoon of a kelb trailed through it and traipsed it into the house. She was seething to say the least. Her rage was fuelled further when she returned to the bedroom to discover I was in her side of the bed, head on her pillow sleeping like a baby. I was rudely awakened by her rasping voice, as she unceremoniously thrust me back into my chair and got back into bed rather huffily.

Tonight the male infidel deigned to cook the evening repast. It smelt divine. I decided that I would assist him and taste the odd bit here and there during the preparation. He left a huge bowl of fish lying on the kitchen counter, so I decided to taste some to make sure it was up to standard. Just as I was tucking in, the female infidel cleared her throat behind me. When this did not perturb me, she yelled at the top of her shrill voice that she was in the room. I knew, I just didn't care! I had already had the bacon out of the pan during stage one of the cooking process, but the male infidel covered for me. I think this was more because he didn't fancy a tongue lashing from the old shrew. I of course received none of the food, as per usual.

There was one moment of absolute joy for me though, when the female went to the kitchen cupboard for her hormone medication (not working obviously!), she was surprised by a large cockroach exiting said cupboard at precisely the moment she opened it! I was quite surprised at the speed she ran through the house shrieking all the time like a boiling lobster, trampling all in her path. The male infidel under duress is currently emptying the kitchen in search of lurking invertebrates, whilst the female gibbers on the couch occasionally emitting small peeping noises... who needs television!

Day 904 of Captivity

2010-02-06T07:25:00.002+03:00

My dear readers, I have entered a competition to have my blog shortlisted as one of 20 finalists, It’s called the TrainPetDog.com 2010 Dog Blog Award and as far as I know, it’s the first such contest in the history of the web. I need at least 50 votes to qualify for round 2 and I would be very grateful to you my friends if you would visit

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and cast your votes for my blog. My 5 digit identity code for voting is 4Y382. The main prize is much more exposure for my blog. You are only allowed to vote once, so please ask all your friends and family to vote too. Thank you for your help everyone.

Day 891 of Captivity

2010-01-23T20:30:00.002+03:00

The infidels went out at the weekend to enjoy something called Burns night, which seems to involve shouting poetry to offal in a bizarre language that no one seems to comprehend, before consuming it swilled down with distilled bog water that a yak probably wee'd in! GAK!

They returned and left the sleeping quarters in utter carnage before retiring to bed. The following morning filled with a sense of ennui, I decided to conduct some experiments to entertain myself. While the female infidel was showering, this is favourite time to include her in my experiments, I stole some pot pourri from a wooden bowl on her dressing table. She hissed at me from round the shower curtain, thinking this would perturb me! When I failed to bat an eyelid at the shrew's hissing, the Medussa was forced to exit the shower wet and seething, soap running down her face and into her now glowing red eyes. I decided to beat a hasty retreat to my bed.

Safe in the knowledge I was ensconced in my bed sulking, she returned to the shower muttering like a disconcerted bag lady. This was perfect timing for my next experiment, the findings of which were quite enlightening! The male infidel had scattered the various items from his pockets all over the dressing table on his return from the night out. I had a rummage through them and procured a pile of money. It would appear that the higher the number on the piece of paper one consumes, the higher the screams that emanate from the infidels. On discovering I had consumed almost an entire SR500 note, I thought the female infidel was going to have a stroke! The male infidel rummaged around my tonsils, in a pitiful effort to retrieve the remains. Thinking he could salvage the now dripping note, he was most put out that I had swallowed the numbers and muttered something about warm water and mustard!

Both the male and female infidels spent the remainder of the weekend pouting and throwing me disparaging looks. The male infidel inferring that I had best learn to behave myself. When his back was turned I ate his Raybans a little, just enough to show I cared...less!

Day 878 of Captivity

2010-01-10T20:33:00.004+03:00

A new year has dawned and I still find myself the captive of the tiresome infidels. On the bright side my memoirs have been published and I cling to the hope that once my Bedouin kin discover my plight they will implement a rescue plan and free me from this perdition. Of course the Female infidel has claimed the glory and her name is emblazoned across the front of my diary! At least the Bedouin will know who to look for when they come to avenge me!

I felt an appropriate celebration to be chewing a hole in the couch. The female infidel was furious when she discovered my act of self expression and she completely lost her mind. I thought I had actually killed her this time, she turned a shade of red you only normally see on a Mandrill's bum and began swearing like Robert De Niro wishes he could. I was positively scandalised and thought my ears would actually burst into flames. I took to my crate for the afternoon.

This morning the kelb went out into the garden after our exercise and the dull-witted fool managed to stand in his own leavings! He came trotting gaily back indoors leaving a trail of fecal footprints through the kitchen, closely followed by Mrs De Niro on yet another psychotic rampage. The woman flails her arms around like a fat penguin trying to fly. The male infidel muttered a hasty goodbye and escaped to work, as she almost drowned the kelb on the back yard scrubbing his feet brutally with a brillo pad. I actually felt a brief pang of sympathy for him...then I carried on living my life.

I have discovered wine gums, much to the male infidels ire. As soon as anyone approaches him he begins shouting "They are mine damn you!" or he hisses like Gollum clutching his booty. I find, however, that maximum use of fluttering eyelashes over powers him every time and he is putty in my hands. Half a kilo of wine gums later I find I cannot feel my legs and I am lying on the couch close to a diabetic coma. Damn those wine gums!

Day 865 of Captivity

2009-12-28T17:23:00.002+03:00

As if the kelb was not already ghastly enough, the great twit not satisfied with his gruel of chicken, ate a bee today. He now resembles a canine Mick Jagger and looks positively miserable. One just cannot believe that any creature could be as dull-witted as him! The male infidel rushed outside believing he was being killed, as the kelb shrieked like a mob of little girls. His nose quickly inflated to the canine version of Gerard Depardieu, as I stood in the kitchen doorway scoffing at his lunacy. All in all a good start to the day.

Bored out of my mind I decided to seek my own entertainment, because any wrestling attempts with the kelb have been thwarted by the irksome infidels. He has spent much of the day nursing his injured snout and looking wretched. Even the male infidel has ignored my advances and attempts to engage him in play, as he is allegedly "studying". This involves him sitting on the couch bent over his laptop whilst watching as many DVDs as he can fit into an afternoon. What on earth he is studying is anyone's guess! He is obviously taking a masters degree in second rate movies. The female infidel did not seem amused when she returned from work this afternoon, stating that she had only gone in this week to allow him the time to study. I fear if she comes home one more time this week and discovers him in front of a movie, he will spend the rest of his life studying hospital food and nursing a similar nose to that which the kelb is sporting today.

Day 864 of Captivity

2009-12-27T15:38:00.002+03:00

Thank goodness another Christmas season is finally over! I cannot bear another day of festive bilge! The adolescent infidels seemed most excited by their gift this year. A bizarre machine that requires them to stand in front of the television pulling the most horrifying faces whilst flapping about with remote controls pretending to bowl or play darts. I really can't see the fun in it, nor understand why they don't simply go bowling! I was most amused when the kelb ran in front of the television during a "baseball game" only to be clobbered round his great thick head by the hairy infidel psychotically wielding a remote with his tongue out and looking like he was out without his carer. I think he was actually quite glad to see the back of the infidels today after that.

The infidels didn't even bother to spend Christmas dinner with the kelb and I, we found ourselves once again stuck in front of the television listening to tedious tweedy people droning on about their "exciting finds". The Infidels in the meantime went out to visit friends and quaff copious amounts of food, before subsequently falling asleep in front of the television. I was most unimpressed, as Christmas day is a most prestigious counter surfing event. I was even more aggrieved when the infidels returned full of cheer and regaling tales of the wonderful food they had consumed without us. Blighters!

Yesterday presented many counter surfing opportunities. The infidels invited many of their infidel friends over to the house and the female infidel spent much of the day concocting all kinds of dishes which she then spread out on the dining room table and expected me not to sample! The dishes were heavily guarded during the day and I only managed to swipe 2 sausage rolls and some toasted bread which had I waited were spread with prawn cocktail! Every time the doorbell rang I took the opportunity to swipe some contraband off the table. By the time all the guests arrived I was feeling quite full! Never one to turn down a challenge, I spent much of the evening consuming prawn cocktail, tuna sarnies and the most sumptuous sausage rolls. I even overpowered a guest and took her sausage roll, much to the horror of the onlooking infidels. The female infidel apoligised and told her that I was evil!

Another years frivolities over and another year dawning in captivity. Let us hope that 2010 brings with it freedom!

day 852 of Captivity

2009-12-12T19:13:00.002+03:00

I have been in hiding. The infidels and their revolting kelb have all come down with pestilence. I have my suspicions that it is that dreadful disease born of pigs that I keep hearing about. There is absolutely no way I wish to contract such a grim ailment, so I have been hiding out in my cell. The infidels have been quite feeble during their affliction and have spent much of the time wallowing about the house sneezing into tissues and whimpering pathetically comparing the severity of their respective illness, whilst hacking and coughing like barking seals. Apparently man flu is far more deadly than the pitiful strain the female had contracted.

It really is quite objectionable. The other day the male infidel was sneezing and wibbling into a tissue; it really was intolerable. I overpowered him, stole the tissue and shredded it into a thousand pieces. He was far too pathetic to even protest. I have spent much of the week shredding tissues, and getting away with it too! It was so bad I could barely get any sleep, every few seconds the female infidel punctuated the air with a feeble peffle followed by a sigh of agony. If the male had not slapped her, I would have been forced to dispatch her myself!

Thank goodness they seem to be making a recovery, as I am not sure I could take another day of it.

This evening the female infidel was well enough to prepare a very pleasant smelling pie in between the jobs she has martyred herself to. She left it on the kitchen counter to cool while she waltzed off to teach an English lesson (most amusing, as she can barely speak it herself!). While she was out I decided to sample her efforts, but my most stealthy plan was thwarted by the ever present and unfortunately stealthier male infidel. He snatched the pie away and hid it in the microwave. Sadly I am not dexterous enough to open the door of this diabolical appliance! It is a good job the female infidel was blissfully unaware that the male was touching her precious, she usually screams like a thrash metal singer if anyone so much as glances in the direction of her prized white goods!

Needless to say the greedy beasts scoffed the entire pie all to themselves (with chips, I hasten to add). Obviously they have recovered and I shall cancel my order for my funeral outfit from Harrods!

Day 838 of Captivity

2009-11-27T12:03:00.002+03:00

Eid Mubarak Infidels! Of course there were no extravagant gifts or sumptuous delights for me; I was served up with the usual old gruel of chicken. I forced it down. The fat infidels made themselves a batch of delicious smelling blueberry muffins. I was not even given so much as a sniff! I waited until they were otherwise occupied, the female infidel smug in the knowledge they were "out of my reach." Where there is a will there is a way and I stole one of the muffins to wash the foul taste of their gruel from my mouth. The female infidel was not too pleased when she discovered my deed and she took the muffin off me and threw it away! I was outraged! That is just plain mean! I was forced to take out my frustration on their Christmas tree, as I sprinted through the living room skidding into it several times over and delighting as it rocked precariously and I almost dislodged the fat fairy from the top, the female infidel screeching like a banshee and waving her arms at me like a crazed conductor on speed.

Yesterday was the infidel festival of Thanksgiving. The kelb and I found ourselves abandoned at home and forced to watch never ending re-runs of the Antiques Road Show on BBC Entertainment. Entertainment HA! I couldn't even remove myself from this torment, as my captors had very thoughtfully pointed my cell at the television! At least the kelb had the luxury of taking his foul smelling carcass to the upstairs quarters to sleep through the terminal drone of the fat tweedy people on the TV extolling the virtues of what appeared to me to be a collection of useless old pots and other chewables. Eventually there was rather an amusing program in which a wizened old ginger hag berated a group of idiots, slowly whittling them down until there was only one left, who was named the "strongest link" and awarded a piffling amount of money that the other buffoons had managed to accrue whilst answering simple questions and floundering in the attempt! I thoroughly enjoyed this program and feel I should become acquainted with the crone, as she seems to share my penchant for torturing fools.

Eventually my own fools returned full of turkey and goodwill. They spent the evening reclining on the couch loosening their clothes and attempting to dispatch the kelb and I with their own variant of chemical warfare.

Day 833 of Captivity

2009-11-22T14:42:00.002+03:00

The infidels recently invested in some new shackles and bonds for the kelb and I. The female dragged the male infidel off into to town to collect a parcel that she was most excited about. The male infidel didn't seem to share her enthusiasm, particularly as it involved him driving her down town after a "hard day in the office". This was snorted at and the male, under protest, drove her down town. They returned some hours later, having been ejected from the shop to observe prayers, clutching a package. The female infidel then proceeded to produce a shiny new infidel shackle for my neck. The only saving grace to the fact I have to endure wearing the infidel bonds of ownership is that these ones are actually very stylish. The kelb has one too, but of course he does not manage to look at all elegant in his, but more like an overdressed transient, all drool, no class and smelling of wee.

The female infidel has gone quite insane; she happened to be passing the recreation centre a couple of days ago and noticed that they have erected their Christmas tree and put up the decorations. What followed her discovery was a ubiquitous feast of festive festooning, as she took this to be the go ahead to swathe the villa in garish garnishings, whilst listening to pre-pubescent crooners murdering Bing Crosby classics. It was quite frankly the worst afternoon of my life! The female Infidel sweating and wheezing at the top of ladders hanging fat santa mobiles from the ceiling and looking very pleased with herself. None of the other infidels seemed particularly enamoured by her efforts, much to the annoyance of the female infidel. She seemed determined that they would all embrace her particularly demented version of Christmas, involving decorations that are reminiscent of Liberaci's Wardrobe , in NOVEMBER!

Finally the dust settled and she returned to levels of sweat and sanity normal for her (and a wilderbeast). Apart from the fact she is now more obsessed with shopping than ever, something I never dreamt possible. The male infidel looks miserable all the time and seems to spend much of his time looking forlorn whilst fishing money from his wallet and handing it to her, the glistening of a tear in his eye, uttering the words "I'm not Bloody Rockerfella ya know!". None of which seems to perturb the female infidel on her manic mission to force everyone to have a good time at "Gulag Ibbotson". On one of her crazed shopping expeditions, I was left in the care of the adolescent infidels. This was a most excellent opportunity to abscond with and subsequently eat the baby Jesus, from her "special" home-made nativity. The female infidel was positively beside herself when she returned home to discover the now mangled, spit covered remains of her home-made baby Jesus lying in the half eaten manger. It has now been replaced with a crude Lego version, grinning inanely out from the patched together manger. I was going to point out that in the interests of authenticity they would not have had sellotape never mind Lego in those days, but thought better of it and held my council.

The female infidel is now sat in the kitchen sipping hot chocolate and squawking away to endless Christmas carols, whilst manufacturing hideous Christmas cards that she intends to force upon her poor unsuspecting family and friends. I am sure they will be positively thrilled to hang her infantile glittering efforts in their homes! When will this madness end? She is bustling about and making lists for endless amounts of baking she intends to throw herself into. The masses of sumptuous food piled high on neglected plates is the only thing I enjoy about this pagan festival. It is a great opportunity to brush up one's counter surfing prowess.

I had a practice run last weekend. The infidels invited over some friends for dinner. Whilst they were all prattling on after quaffing down a lovely dinner of roast beef and yorkshires, having kept me prisoner in my cell only allowing me to get the odd whiff of the delectable meal, I crept into the kitchen upon my release and ate the remainder of the cauliflower cheese and a bowl of french beans. The female infidel was not amused on making the discovery, as she just knew this would involve numerous trips to the back yard during the night and frantic bum wiping to avoid subsequent carpet skiing (a behaviour the infidels find quite disgusting and harrowing when carried out on their expensive kilims); rich vegetables never agree with me and I think she over did it rather on the garlic front!

Day 824 of Captivity

2009-11-13T18:45:00.002+03:00

The infidels spent much of the morning lying in bed the odd groan and escaping of noxious gases emanating from their direction. They went out last night to see a live band, how that entails rolling home drunk as lords in the small hours of the morning I will never know! This clearly was not a band of the classical persuasion, as I head them regaling tales of their crowd surfing activities during the show. They are such hooligans! The female infidel looks like death warmed up and is complaining about her self inflicted headache. I have done a spot of singing this morning and bounced off her head a couple of times in an attempt to get her to snap out of her self pity and wallowing.

I have just been attempting to assist the female infidel with cooking the dinner and doing a pre wash of the dishes. She is so ungrateful! When I jumped up at the counter to assist with the cutting of the sausage, she looked aghast and muttered something about being in the room. The infidels all sat down and quaffed a huge plate of pasta each. It looked so much more tasty than the ghastly chicken we are served up daily! Of course they didn't spare us so much as a whiff of their meal. After dinner my many attempts to pre wash the dishes were unsuccessful, and after the female infidel had pursued me around the dining room table for the fifteenth time, she seemed to lose the will to live. I am now behind bars no doubt until the cycle has finished on the dishwasher so that the female infidel can remove the dishes from the sink.

They tire so easily, the same thing happened this afternoon when I ran up and down the stairs with the male infidel's work shoes. He played with me for so long and then decided that the game was rubbish! I was forced to toy with the nerdy Infidel, I stole a pencil from his computer desk and giggled as he made chase like a pathetic rag-doll whining my name and telling me to stop in THE most feeble voice I have ever heard. Needless to say I did not feel compelled to stop and I carried on the game until he bored me and his grating voice became too much to bear.

Day 819 of Captivity

2009-11-08T18:36:00.002+03:00

I haven't been able to get near the laptop for love nor money. The female infidel has been sitting over it attempting to look intellectual and failing miserably! I have no idea what she can be doing that requires her to hog the laptop like she has and I am not very pleased! Apparently she has become involved in rescue and has had important things to do. Rescue is just an infidel code word for capturing poor innocent animals and holding them against their will, I was "rescued"!

The female infidel wasn't very well last week and was up in the night. She spent some time locked in the downstairs bathroom crying into the porcelain. Whilst she was incapacitated, I followed her down and took full opportunity to create havoc by deciding to eat a pencil. I made sure to chomp it very loudly and tittered to myself as I heard her shrieking that she was going to kill me once she was out of the bathroom. It was even more hilarious, as she had no idea what I was chewing. The rage was evident in the shrill bleatings emanating from the bathroom door. I tired of the pencil and left the shredded remains on the lounge carpet for her to decipher when she had finished being feeble. I then returned to my repose. The old crone finally stomped back up the stairs and threw me a piercing look as she entered the bedroom, huffing and chuntering under her breath, still clearly enraged at the loss of a pencil. Once again the male infidel managed to maintain a narcoleptic state throughout the entire episode, until the female infidel got back into bed and poked him in the ribs and began relating the sorry story to him. She lost the plot when he lapsed back into unconsciousness mid tale, snoring like an asthmatic rhino.

Last week the female infidel invited the friend she is in cahoots with "rescuing" animals to the house. She is a Vit, apparently that is New Zealand for Vet. I ran around the house barking and leaping into the air sporadically, illustrating the female infidel's lack of control over me. There is nothing better than humiliating an infidel in front of a Vit. It was even better when they discovered that I had consumed the Vit's Raybans whilst they were all prattling on incessantly. I left their crumpled remains on the couch for the female infidel to discover when the Vit had to leave. The female infidel jibbered like a baboon on an electric fence when she discovered my crime. The comedy way in which they were perched on the Vit's head as she left, was a fitting testament to my disdain for them all.

Day 803 of Captivity

2009-10-23T14:39:00.003+03:00

The male Infidel and the angst ridden adolescents have returned from their vacation, finally alleviating me from the ennui of being left alone for what seemed like an eternity with only the irksome female for company. The male returned sporting 3rd degree burns to his legs having been vacuous enough to go to the beach minus the vat of factor 50 sun cream that the female Infidel packed him off with. She just hasn't been irritating enough in her scathing comments to the male about his foolishness. Oh to be as enlightened as she! He has spent much of the week rolling his eyes at her and keeping his legs away from my karate chopping antics. I did manage to leap on him in the night and lie on his crispy limbs for a minute or two, the resultant shrieks would not have shamed a castrato in their pitch and intensity and were only made more satisfying by the fact that he was unable to chase me.

The males kindly brought back some new souvenirs for me to distress, I have my eye on a carved Bayon head that seems to have taken up residence on their coffee table. The look of serene smugness on all of it's four faces just asking to be gnawed.

My recent attempt at a hunger strike failed miserably, upon my discovery that as much as I try I cannot resist chips. However, I have been keeping the Infidels awake by dry retching in the night, having only my hatred of them as sustenance (and of course a few of the aforementioned chips)! Of course the male Infidel managed to sustain his powers of narcolepsy throughout the entire episode, much to the annoyance of the shrew. Yet he is able to hear a tea bag being gently placed into a cup from the concrete tomb in which he slumbers, which is enough to send the female into a blind fury.

I was forced to discipline the kelb quite harshly earlier this week, when the impudent beast attempted to steal a bit of chicken that I had discarded. I may not have wanted to consume it but there is no way I would share even a sneer with him. The spineless cur has not been able to meet my eye since I castigated him. He is now sporting a chewed ear and a scratched head for his impertinence. The female was absolutely horrified and we were both given the sharp end of her tongue (which is so sharp you could shave a rhinos bum with it!).

I am currently dropping my kong onto a glass side table in an attempt to either dislodge the hideous painted tile the female brought home from her trip, or send her into a fit of apoplexy at the thought that I might! It is having the desired effect as I can see the veins in her neck twitching spasmodically. Job done, I am off to my crate to sing the theme tune to the "Antiques Roadshow" over and over. Who will crack first I wonder? Dee dee dee dee der der dee Aroooooo!

Day 787 of Captivity

2009-10-07T08:00:00.003+03:00

I haven't managed to post much recently, because the fatuous female Infidel broke the laptop last week. I think you have to be some kind of special to break a Mac, but it seems the female has won her spot on the sunshine coach! She spent much of last week either swearing at it or threatening it with violence. It is repaired now, but no thanks to the old crone, she had to call on the help of a techy type, I think they are referred to as geeks. He seemed most amused at the level of stupidity displayed by the female Infidel, while she prattled on about how the laptop came to be in such a state of disrepair he seemed to be choking down hysterics.

The female Infidel has spent much of her time tied to the laptop attempting to collect her e mail from 2006! All the while she has been intolerable. She hasn't paid me much attention, so I have been forced to fetch pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard and gallop about the lounge with them. I even resorted to dragging 2 frozen chickens off the kitchen counter last week. It was to be our meal the following day anyway. The kelb was horrified I was going to consume both and the impudent creature bowled me out of the way in a most undignified manner. Of course I wasn't about to let that go unpunished and I berated him, until finally the female Infidel lost the plot. The shrill harpy sent us to our beds for the evening and continued to swear at her laptop, I am beginning to wonder if she has Tourettes. Her language would make a Sailor blush!

Once the laptop was working properly again she seemed to calm down. She claimed to have lost some very important e mail, I find it difficult to believe that anyone would entrust anything important to the old shrew. She also lost all of her holiday snaps, so thankfully we will be spared the torment of having to view countless photos of the old shrew. I am still peeved that she ignored me for much of last week, and have continued to fetch shoes from the cupboard and drag blankets off the couch and gnaw on her cushions. I have also beaten up the kelb, thrown myself into the dining room window every time someone has passed by or I have seen a peasant cat on the street and skulked round looking shifty so that she has to investigate. All of these things get her very annoyed. The male Infidels have still not returned from their travels, it is bad enough when they are all here, but the female is the most irksome of the Infidels.

The witch bathed the kelb and I yesterday. Of course the big fat creep jumped in and out of the bath for her. I was not about to make it so easy, I clung onto the door frame and pulled the shower curtain down onto her head as she tried to place me into the bath. She did not seem too amused to be wrapped in it, and when she freed herself she was sweating and gasping like a wounded Rhino. I think this is why she then proceeded to "Furminate" me after my bath. This can only be described as a medieval torture tool that is dragged through my coat stripping out any of the dead coat. The female Infidel just loves this implement of torture, the kelb and I hate it. As soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to eat it!

The buffoon of a kelb is rolling about the dining room on his back looking like a lunatic. The female is cooing over him, making him loll about even more grinning like an imbecile. I would never degrade myself and stoop to such a level. The female is lucky if I throw her a disparaging look. Will this torment ever end?

Day 779 of Captivity

2009-09-29T10:54:00.002+03:00

The female Infidel has gone too far this time! She has obviously been scheming for some time and she has come up with a plot to sabotage me, one of such cunning I never thought she had it in her.

She rearranged the furniture in the lounge a couple of days ago. It has been done in such a way, I can no longer skulk in the dining room undetected, or behind the console table chewing the cables because it has been moved, I cannot climb all over the back of the couches and I am unable to lie in the window shouting and engaging in a spot of banter with the gardeners or the binmen. In fact it is very difficult for me to look out of the window in the lounge at all, because the console table is in front of it and I can no longer loaf on the back of the couch whilst I am doing it and am forced to stand looking like a common kelb. I am outraged! The old crone doesn't even have to get off the couch to find out what I am up to when skulking round. The only safe haven left is the kitchen and it is so boring in there, because the old miser hides any contraband in cupboards and fridges. I suffer enough malaise just residing with these hairless clowns and now any possible entertainment has been shut down. She has reached a whole new level of cruelty!

The old shrew returned from her vacation with a head cold and a chest infection. She has been looking feeble for days and taking various medications in an attempt to shift it. The males were all very unsympathetic when she returned and told her to stay away, as they were due to go away on holiday.

Yesterday, after feeding us an insipid meal of gruel of chicken, she went in the shower and left the kelb and I in the bedroom lying on our chairs. She left the door to the en suite open so she could keep her beady eyes on our activity. I lay on my chair looking the picture of sweetness and light. I have spent the entire day chuckling to myself. Happy in the knowledge we were quiet and behaving she showered. During her shower I vomited my meal of chicken in amongst the scatter cushions on her bed. She must be deaf as a post with this cold, because she didn't hear a thing. I lay back in my chair and when she emerged from her shower and got dressed she called us to follow her downstairs, not seeming to care that the bed was ever so slightly disheveled.

It was just delightful to see the look of sheer horror and revulsion when she discovered my grisly deed later on that evening when we went to bed. I have never heard such language! It would put a docker to shame. She did not seem amused to be scrubbing the wet marks off the mattress late in the evening and we all had to sleep in the weedy Infidel's room while the bed dried out. It smells of adolescent in there and feet.

She hasn't moved the furniture back this morning, in fact she seems to be taking even more pleasure out of my dissatisfaction today! She truly is the epitome of evil!

Day 775 of Captivity

2009-09-25T20:39:00.002+03:00

Oh kill me now! The shadow of bore has returned! She deigned to bring me some manky toys from her travels, I have subsequently obliterated them to show my disdain for her meagre offerings, it is hardly recompense for her abandonment of her duties. I also shredded the kelb's just to upset him.

He has been like a lost sheep all week, moping about pathetically, crestfallen and close to tears. Since the return of the female Infidel he has been overjoyed and she cannot move without him accompanying her just in case she manages to sneak out again. He almost breaks his neck to follow her, it is really quite contemptible! I enjoyed a week of doing as I please without the miserable old shrew on my back all day; the males are far more laid back and seemed to concentrate their efforts on telling the puling kelb to "sod off".

I managed to sequester a box of Paracetamol earlier, plotting to put them in the crone's tea, but the male Infidel mistook my theft as an attempt at self harm! He was rightly horrified. I shall miss the old hippy when he goes off on his travels tomorrow, especially as he is taking the adolescents with him and leaving me with the shrew for three whole weeks! Hopefully he will bring back an offering befitting my status on his return. I hear that the jade is very beautiful from that part of the world.

Day 765 of Captivity

2009-09-15T18:16:00.003+03:00

Yes! I am getting rid of the shadow of bore that is the female Infidel for a whole week. She is heading off for a holiday tomorrow and leaving the kelb and I in the care of the male Infidels. This is great, because the males are such pushovers and are powerless to resist my fluttering eyelashes and astonishing good looks. They are not as relentless as the old shrew, although I have to admit the hairy one can be a bit of a tyrant when he is in a hormone induced rage. I am also so looking forward to the male Infidel attempting to cycle with us; the female is very adept these days, it will be fun to have some new blood to toy with. I am prepared to wager that by the end of the first day, he will be covered in pooh (having fallen off) and reverting to pedestrian methods of exercising us.

The kelb, however, does not seem to be as overjoyed as me that his beloved patron is leaving him. He has been pouting on the couch ever since he clapped eyes on her suitcase and he won't even sit with her. The big twit looks close to tears! I am too of course, but mine are tears of joy and elation! I won't have to listen to the rasping tones of her scolding me for some minor infraction or other. I think it is brilliant and it can't come around fast enough!

She was very selfish when packing her bags to leave and kept everything out of the way. She would not let me assist her. I believe that there is some very important documentation in one of her bags, but the miserable bat has put the bag on top of a cupboard well out of my reach. I was hoping to have a ferret about in this bag, but she is taking no chances. All I have managed to abscond with is a rather large and tired old pair of pants, I am sure I have saved her much embarrassment by snatching them! Her wardrobe like her hairstyle could do with being brought into the fifteenth century.

I am taunting the kelb by singing "Leaving on a jet plane", he will be reduced to a snivelling wreck (well more of a snivelling wreck) before the night is out. Oh what fun I will have with him, now that his protector is out of the picture for at least a week.

Day 757 of Captivity

2009-09-07T22:11:00.002+03:00

The female Infidel did not seem too amused when she emerged from her shower to discover the tattered remains of what was once a bowl of wicker balls strewn about the bedroom carpet and her bed. The kelb not wanting to be thought guilty of the crime had retreated to his own bed and was looking disgusted with me. I think that she should thank her lucky stars that she did not emerge to the tattered remains of her mobile, it was just too high for me to reach!

The kelb has been getting on my last nerve today. He has all the world to lie in, but he insists on parking his fetid carcass right next to me. I don't even like him, he disgusts me! I think he is either a cretin of the first degree or a masochist, he doesn't even move when I bite him, a sacrifice on my part as he is truly putrid and tastes of feet.

The female Infidel has been for a haircut today, as it was starting to resemble a crash helmet. She returned looking like a tactically shaved orangutan. I cannot see the point in this exercise, but then I am not a vain person! I am naturally blessed with good looks and perfect fur which is more than can be said for the miscreants who infest this hell hole. Not a decent haircut amongst them!

Day 754 of Captivity

2009-09-04T20:51:00.002+03:00

I cannot believe it! The female Infidel didn't even bother to get any meat out of the freezer for us last night. Instead we were forced to dine on a paltry meal of tuna and pasta. I forced it down, only because I was half-starved not having been fed since yesterday! I cannot believe that she would forget! The service around here is deplorable! Even the kelb looked dismayed when he saw her feeble offering, but of course he gulped it down and hoped that he could muscle in on my meal.

Having only been fed a pitiful meal, I was forced to resort to counter surfing for sustenance. However, anything nice that I might have dined on had been put into a diabolical Infidel invention called Tupperware. Damn evolution for not giving me opposable digits! Surely even in the wild these would have been useful for twisting the heads off peasant cats and other vile vermin! I am now concentrating very hard in the hope that I may manifest thumbs in the night.

Day 749 of Captivity

2009-08-30T17:17:00.002+03:00

Unbelievable! I was just tucking into my evening repast, when the electrical transformer in the garden went off and scared the living daylights out of me. I scarpered, and as I was beating a retreat, the gluttonous kelb darted forward and took the male infidel slightly off guard. He made a grab for my chicken leg, just as the male infidel leapt up and rugby tackled him to the ground. A scuffle ensued, during which the male infidel got the kelb into a head lock and wrestled the stolen chicken from his vice-like mandibles. The kelb was not giving up without a fight and he tried to guzzle the chicken leg, he looked like Marty Feldman; all bulging eyes, as the male infidel arose from the scrimmage victoriously holding the chicken leg aloft, keeping the kelb at bay with his leg.

The kelb was then put into the kitchen behind the screen door and he watched forlornly as I savoured every mouthful and enjoyed my reclaimed meal with gusto. I relished every mouthful and made sure to take my time to eat it. It is so satisfying seeing the kelb so dejected. Once I had finished the kelb was released, and he exploded from the kitchen and almost knocked the male infidel flying in his attempts to lick my empty bowl completely clean ensuring every last morsel was gone.

Day 744 of Captivity

2009-08-25T19:50:00.002+03:00

It has been an eventful week. The infidels invited a pack of strange heretics over at the weekend. There were six of them and it was quite stressful, as they were rather rambunctious! They finally all left and went out together and the kelb and I were left in the care of the adolescent infidels. Around midnight, we decided to make the adolescents let us out in the back yard. The kelb went to his favourite bush to urinate. Unbelievably, there was a peasant cat hiding in there! The kelb, unaware of the presence of the vile feline, urinated on it, and it was none too pleased.

The peasant cat had the sheer audacity to launch an assault on the kelb! I could not believe the impudence of the wretched creature. The kelb was scandalised and became hostile; his hackles raised, he launched the peasant creature into the BBQ. It made a break for it and ran up the garden wall, but I was not about to let a peasant cat behave so outrageously, even if his insolence was aimed at a common kelb! I made chase and trapped it in the bushes, but the adolescents had become quite hysterical at this stage. Realising that spraying water at us was ineffectual they banged some dishes together, which pulled us from our murderous trance! They used this opportunity to unceremoniously shove us back into the house. They then called the female infidel who rushed home to see what all the commotion was about. We were forbidden to go out without her eagle eyes upon us, by that time the half witted cat had made a swift exit and has not been seen on our turf since. The cats of today are just so ill bred, I could not believe my eyes! It actually had the nerve to scratch my nose. If it weren't for those pesky adolescents I would have certainly dispatched the treacherous brute!

I have been quite restless for the last few days. The female infidel is fretting that I am about to suffer another pseudo season. I have not gone out of my way to demonstrate otherwise and have used the opportunity to be more unruly than usual. I have had the female infidel at my beck and call retrieving articles that I have pilfered from around the house. She invited an infidel round that she did not know too well and was absolutely fuming when I stole the visitor's shoe and did a lap of victory of the lounge. I didn't get the chance to chew it, as it was snatched from me in a most impolite fashion. It was amusing to see her squirming and making her apologies to the stranger. I love to humiliate her!

This morning was hilarious! I woke in the small hours of the morning and made sure the female was up. To my good luck she thought her alarm was going off and she was slapping alarm clocks and floundering about in the dark. I almost burst out laughing when she emerged from the bathroom bleary eyed and dressed! She stumbled downstairs behind us. When we got down there she started to get our cycling gear out. This was too good to ruin by laughing. I don't know how I managed it, but I allowed her to get me ready to go and the kelb who is a moron anyway just went along with it. She seemed perplexed when she got to the front door and saw that it was dark but she hooked us up to the bike anyway and off we went. We did our circuits in complete darkness. When we got back the female infidel stomped into the lounge and looked at the clock. That was it, I could contain myself no more! I laughed so much my ribs hurt. The dullard had only walked us at 330 AM! I took a great deal of pleasure in her rage, as she silently fumed on the couch, throwing me the odd glare. It is a fact that dogs fall into a routine, what a delightful routine to have her up and out at such an unearthly hour!

Day 735 of Captivity

2009-08-16T18:06:00.002+03:00

I took great delight today in letting the female infidel think she had got away without any repercussions from the butter heist of yesterday evening. I slept through the night and was the picture of sweetness and light.

The infidels decided to pop out this evening for a change of scenery. When they returned I was hyper and ran around the villa like a whirling dervish. Conscious of the fact I was in a state of frenzy, the female Infidel made me accompany her upstairs whilst she went in the shower, as there was no one to keep an eye on me while she was gone. Therein lies her mistake!

I lay in my chair looking calm and mellow, blinking at her inquiringly as he shot me accusing looks. I waited until she went in the shower to achieve maximum chaos as I put my fiendish plan into operation. Once the water was running and I was satisfied she was otherwise engaged, I jumped onto the Infidel's bed where the revolting kelb was dozing just to be near their scent (he is such a spineless weasel!) Once on the bed, I began retching and hacking until I coughed up my dinner. The kelb seeing a chance for a free hot meal, leapt into action. I was furious, as he was taking all the evidence of my crime, so I leapt at him shrieking as hard as I could and bit his head, guarding the traces that remained and growling at him menacingly. It was a tense moment, when my plan could have been ruined by the portly kelb.

The female Infidel, hearing the commotion, popped a soapy head around the shower curtain and morphed into a deranged harpy, all soap and screaming like a hellcat. She leapt from the shower and almost perished as she blindly went sailing across the wet floor, sending her to new levels of dementia. The kelb and I looked at each other surreptitiously and we both fled in opposite directions as the soaked, soapy crone emerged from the bathroom in a fit of apoplexy. The bedroom door was thrust open and we were both unceremoniously propelled through it, I saw her foot almost make contact with my retreating hind, as I ran like the clappers down the stairs elbowing the kelb out of the way. I could still hear the shrill rasping of the female Infidel on the rampage, as I collapsed at the bottom of the stairs in a fit of hysteria.

She has sat scowling on the couch ever since! I have drifted off to sleep listening to the whirring of the washing machine in the background, punctuated by the female snorting like a buffalo, seething and snarling at all who dared to approach. Even the kelb has steered clear of his beloved patron. Infidels have a tendency to sulk for days and days, they are not as forgiving as us Salukis.

Day 734 of Captivity

2009-08-15T19:05:00.002+03:00

The female infidel deigned to cook tea this afternoon. While she was occupied I took the opportunity to gnaw at the zip on one of the sofa cushions. Realising I had been silent for a time, the old hag came to investigate. She was furious that I had chewed the zip and chased me out of the room, flailing her arms around like a demonic Morris Dancer and bellowing like a cow in labour. She then started fussing over the cushions. An opportune moment presented itself for me to meander into the kitchen and consume around 200g of butter that was left carelessly unattended. The look of horror and the realisation that this oversight on her part, would come back and haunt her later this evening or even better in the early hours of the morning, was just priceless! I have tummy ache and foresee vomit or a canine poo pancake in her future. She does not seem happy sitting next to me on the sofa as my stomach churns away like a washing machine. I think she too foresees what the future holds for her and is peeved.

I may just doze until 2am. I have been practicing retching, so I am prepared. Nothing has the power to move an Infidel quicker than the sound of a gagging hound in the early hours of the morning. They appear to develop the hearing of a fruit bat. What will vex her more, will be the male infidel's ability to sleep through the entire episode. This will have them bickering in the morning! Which is always a bonus!

Day 728 of Captivity

2009-08-09T13:16:00.002+03:00

The holy month of Ramadan is once more on the horizon. Sadly, I must spend it in the company of the proles I reside with instead of with my Bedouin kin. On the up side, the kelb has become more rotund than ever following his castration. He has been placed on a diet, which presents many opportunities for me to persecute him, as he is not amused. His rations have been cut by half, and his face was a picture when he was presented with this meagre portion this morning. I decided to wander about the garden until he had eaten, and then very slowly savoured every mouthful of my food, while he looked on gormless and drooling. He really is living proof that the male brain resides in the testicles, he is even more vapid than ever since his surgery! He spent almost 45 minutes licking the ground after we had eaten, in the vain hope of extracting one last morsel from the concrete. After a time the female infidel curtly called her beloved toady inside, having had enough of his incessant licking of the concrete. He then had to consume gallons of water, as his mouth must have been dry as a bone! He really is such a nincompoop!

Continuing my torment of the kelb, I vomited this afternoon, but the female infidel was too quick for me and she managed to sweep me out of the lounge, sparing her carpet. Even more impressive was the fact that she also swept the kelb along with us preventing him from snacking on my leavings and he was forced to look sadly on from behind the locked screen door, as the female infidel cleaned up the potential meal. He looked crushed, making the purge worthwhile.

The female infidel seems to be under the impression that she is off on a holiday soon. I am outraged that she would consider jetting off to enjoy herself, leaving me behind! I have made several attempts to sabotage her evil plan, but she seems undaunted by them. When I chewed her guidebook, she simply went on line to investigate the place she plans on visiting. I see I shall have to play hardball and eat her laptop or at least chew the cable. She seems to be becoming impervious to my actions of late, very disconcerting!

A couple of days ago whilst out exercising there were two members of the National Guard by the gate. We were on foot as the female infidel has damaged the rear tyre of the cycling contraption. The National Guard beckoned us, but being virtuous, I ignored them, secretly hoping that seeing I was a prisoner of infidels; they were going to snatch me and free me. Of course the brazen female went over to engage in conversation with these strange men! I was horrified to discover, it was the kelb they expressed an interest in! They were rather taken with his intimidating build! One of them even touched his grotesque frame and no doubt had to spend the remains of the day dousing himself in disinfectant! My, times are changing; I never thought I would see the day when a fellow countryman would rather touch a putrid kelb! I am a little perturbed by this encounter, I thought freedom was in my grasp at last!

Day 720 of Captivity

2009-08-01T19:09:00.002+03:00

The nerdy Infidel has obviously been biding his time after I recently accosted him. I was sound asleep today on the couch after my morning exercise and he thought it would be amusing to come up behind me and clap loudly. Needless to say I almost suffered a coronary! Not willing to let the little pipsqueak get away with such a brutal assault on my royal person, I let out a blood-curdling scream. Thinking I was being killed the female infidel rushed to my aid and the little upstart got a short sharp shrift for behaving like a miscreant. I smirked smugly at him as he beat a retreat, I could still hear his indignant bleating, as the female infidel berated him further for being argumentative. How I relished my victory!

It was a short lived triumph, however, when I found myself on the receiving end of the harpee just moments later when the little sneak sang like a canary and told the female infidel that I was distressing the camel stool on the landing. The infidels just will not be told that it is more authentic if it has Saluki engravings on it. They are so boorish!

Day 715 of Captivity

2009-07-27T21:34:00.002+03:00

The infidels barbarism knows no bounds! Today I have been feeling rather energetic and spent the morning carrying out vigorous exercises in order to prevent the onset of heart disease. The female infidel, however, did not seem amused by my acrobatic endeavours, especially as they threatened to dislodge her precious things or tat as I prefer to refer to it. She was particularly displeased when the kelb joined in, throwing his porcine body around the villa with clear disregard to life or property, however, she too joined in careening about the villa attempting to rescue her tatty belongings from imminent destruction, all to the blood-curdling sound of The Pogues. Needless to say I ended up in solitary confinement, with her scowling at me from across the room.

The one highlight to the morning was when the AC repair man showed up. The kelb, still delirious from our energetic morning, attempted to run off with his cloth and tools. The poor man was clearly traumatised being faced with such a hideous slathering gargoyle and the kelb received a scruffing for his impudence. The female infidel blamed me for inciting a riot! I am scandalised, this further added to the time I had to spend in confinement.

I was finally released, but having endured the tedium of what seemed like an eternity in solitary I still felt psyched. When the infidels sat down to gorge themselves as is there wont, I thought it a good time to alert them to the fact there were interlopers in the street. This seemed to tip the female infidel over the edge and she returned me to the confines of my crate stating that she would like to eat one meal this week in peace and quiet. It was most amusing when she returned to the kitchen and slipped in some of the kelb's drool and almost split in half. I burst out laughing when she shot across the kitchen, landing hard on her back, winding herself and developing the onset of tourettes. The kelb beat a hasty retreat.

My goodness, Allah is swift and sure these days!

Day 712 of Captivity

2009-07-24T19:54:00.002+03:00

I was so dreadfully ill in the night on Wednesday and woke the female infidel in the early hours. I think the kelb might have tried to have me dispatched, perhaps it would be prudent of me to employ a food taster in future. The neighbour's peasant cat might be a good candidate although I am not sure I trust those princes of darkness with my royal constitution! I had to wake the female infidel 3 times to tend to me, she was in a black mood, as the male infidel seemingly slept through the entire episode, yet when she asked him whether he would like a cup of tea and some breakfast, he suddenly developed the hearing of a fruit bat. I thought the female infidel would implode, but she took out her frustration on the crockery.

The female infidel thinks that my bout of illness was down to my greediness! How VERY dare she! I am the very epitome of restraint, unlike her toady, he is a walking garbage disposal unit. I was crushed by her accusations and sulked on the couch all morning.

This morning ravaged with hunger, having only had a light meal yesterday I was forced to stoop to counter surfing in the kitchen. This resulted in the nerdy infidel being chastised for not completing his chores and he was berated and forced to sort out the dishes. A small recompense for having my food source whisked away. The bonus was the nerdy one sulked and was miserable, I always get a degree of gratification out of seeing him suffer.

Day 708 of Captivity

2009-07-20T17:28:00.002+03:00

The female infidel was throwing herself about on the running machine this morning. For a brief moment, I did consider that it might be an enjoyable diversion to jump onto the machine whilst she was wheezing and sweating away like a rasping old hippo. On further consideration I decided against such action, one miscalculation on my part and I could have been crushed by her gargantuan carcass! Not quite how I pictured my glorious exit to this world!

This afternoon I dragged out the battered remains of the TV control that was stupidly abandoned in between the cushions of the couch. I was just about to disassemble it to finally discover what is inside when the female infidel discovered me and put an end to that plan. I was so miffed, I ate her tour guide of Istanbul with gay abandon, while she went to the lavatory. Ha! That will put an end to any plot she might be hatching to swan off and enjoy herself! Find the Blue Mosque now with half a map, not that they would let you in anyway you stinky infidel!

Day 706 of Captivity

2009-07-18T19:15:00.002+03:00

I soon tired of attempting to entertain the uncultured infidels last evening and decided that a snooze would shut out their monotonous prattle. I fell asleep on the couch and lapsed into a deep slumber. The goon of a male infidel struck the fear of Allah into me, when he apparently sneezed and blew away the inhabitants of the neighbouring town! I sat bolt upright and in my state of panic I was forced to hurl myself at the nerdy infidel who was presumptuous enough to be sat next to me on the couch.

I landed in his face and because of his puny frame, he buckled under the force of me catapulting into him and his glasses flew off. I eventually managed to gain a foothold on his capacious head and I scrabbled on to freedom, leaving the jelly-headed youth gibbering on the couch, whilst the infidels collapsed in peals of laughter at his predicament. They are as cruel to their young as they are to their captives. I actually felt sympathy for him for a fleeting moment, but the feeling passed as I spotted my favourite ball on the carpet.

Day 705 of Captivity

2009-07-17T19:31:00.003+03:00

The tedium of living with these wretched infidels continues to bore me to tears. I have been so consumed with languor, I decided to entertain myself with a spot of singing this evening. This seemed to gall the infidels as they were trying to watch Star Trek at the time. A story about a fat elderly man who resides on a space ship and apparently females are powerless to resist his geriatric charms. It is a very dated movie anyway and my singing is much more engaging. I had to sing very loud to drown out the surround sound in their movie machine, but I am proud to say I reached some notes I didn't know were possible. The boorish infidels of course did not appreciate my musical talents and insinuated that they would rather gouge at their ears with a cheese grater and rub their tattered remains with lemons than listen to another note!

Yesterday I had to suffer the indignity of being bundled into my crate for several hours, whilst the voracious infidels went out to a restaurant to stuff their porcine faces! I tormented the kelb by singing tribal songs of my youth to him for two hours. He seemed absolutely delighted to see the infidels on their return and when they released me from my cell the malodorous creature attempted to bite my face off! I almost fainted from the stench of his fetid breath and had to wash my face several times to remove his putridness from my coat. It was truly ghastly!

The male infidel gave us a small amount of chicken this afternoon, his idea of a little snack. On inspection I made the grisly discovery that he had attempted to feed me a chicken's derriere! I didn't even protest when the greedy kelb pilfered my portion, and took a great amount of satisfaction in watching the halfwitted creature scoff it down as if it were the best caviar. He truly is an imbecile and the male Infidel is a scoundrel!

I shall continue with my singing later when the infidels attempt to retire for the evening, I am sure they will appreciate my dulcet tones. That will teach them to try and poison me with a chicken's bum! Royalty does not chew on the toilet parts of animals, unlike dissolute kelbs!

Day 693 of Captivity

2009-07-05T21:18:00.002+03:00

This morning I was subjected to a most barbaric attack from the bellicose kelb! I was in the lounge when I heard an insolent fowl goading me from the garden. I at once leapt into the affray and took off running, only to be squashed by the corpulent kelb in his headlong lurch towards the door. The churlish creature jostled past me and I was flung unceremoniously into the refuse receptacle, at which point I landed hard and almost shattered my spine!

I shrieked in agony and when no one came to my assistance, was forced to drag my battered frame back into the lounge. I held up my disfigured leg, so the female infidel could know that her toady had physically crippled me. She made a contemptible effort to placate me, but I was overwrought and took to my crate for the rest of the morning. I shall seek retribution once I regain the strength in my withered limb. I have spent the afternoon chewing my nails into sharp points, which I shall insert into the kelb's ears until he cries. Vengeance shall be mine!

Day 692 of Captivity

2009-07-04T20:08:00.002+03:00

I actually reduced the strange nerdy Infidel to a sniveling heap yesterday afternoon. He had a small memory card in his pocket and just before he went to the bathroom he dropped it onto the floor. I was going to alert him, but thought it would be much more pleasurable to chew it to tiny fragments. I was right, it was indeed pleasurable and made more so when he realised and burst into tears. I felt utter jubilation when the female infidel then berated not me, but the nerdy one, for having left it lying about, because after all he should know what I am like. I lay on the sofa opposite and smirked at him as he sat sullenly throwing me the odd surly look. I thought the nerdy one would implode, as I moved over to him and lay my head on his lap, smirking up at him. He looked positively wretched!

It was a different story this morning when I stole an English muffin from the back of the kitchen counter and ate it. The male infidel raged at me this morning, something about having to drive 8 hours just to get them. Perhaps they shouldn't have been so reckless with their valuables in future, after all they know what I am like! I believe the nerdy one felt vindicated, a small sacrifice on my part.

Day 685 of Captivity

2009-06-27T16:53:00.002+03:00

The female infidel fed us very late this morning, because instead of catering to our every desire, she spent the morning on the phone twittering on to some poor undeserving soul. I can only imagine they were on the other end of the line sticking forks in their necks and slamming their heads repeatedly in the freezer, I know I wished I was! FINALLY the poor victim must have made their excuses and escaped, and the gabbling fool got off the phone.

After she fed us, to illustrate my displeasure at having to wait, I regurgitated the entire meal up onto the carpet in the lounge. I would have liked to have been able to vomit through the blinds, but I am still practicing my projectile technique. The repugnant kelb hearing the commotion came to investigate. At this point the female Infidel became enraged and started roaring at us both to get out, flailing her arms at us, like a spit fire plummeting to Earth!

I took an enormous amount of satisfaction in seeing the kelb out maneuver her in the dining room and make a run for it back into the lounge. Once he got there he gobbled up the pile of steaming spew, whilst I roared with laughter from the safety of the kitchen. I really thought the female Infidel would have a stroke, as she began venting her spleen. Yes, the kelb is not so adorable now is he missy!

Day 682 of Captivity

2009-06-24T19:04:00.002+03:00

The female Infidel is still sulking because yesterday she had a couple of visitors. I was already hyper before they arrived and had been performing the wall of death, much to the female Infidels horror and she rushed about the villa grabbing precious things whilst berating me. This only made the game so much more fun and sent me into a state of euphoria. I was in the middle of a lap of the villa when the visitors arrived. I felt it only good manners to rush to greet them and I took a good run up and launched myself into one of them, a small elderly lady. The female Infidel then lost the plot and banished me to my crate. How was I to know I could have broken her hip, I was just being a good host!

Needless to say I have had to endure the most intolerable level of pouting today, and they say Salukis can sulk! I have spent the day sleeping off the tedium of her bad temper.

Day 680 of Captivity

2009-06-22T21:17:00.000+03:00

The miserly Infidels have only fed me once today, claiming that because I vomited a little it was for my own good! Faint with hunger I was forced to find my own sustenance. I managed to intercept a cockroach and was just about to ingest it when all hell broke lose and there was a lot of shrieking and flapping of arms and wringing of hands. I thought the hairy one was going to soil himself! My meal was confiscated and freed (stupid Buddhists!) much to my disgust, even Papillon was allowed to eat the cockroaches.

Imagine my glee when I learned that roast beef with all the trimmings was on the Infidels menu this evening. I should have known the hedonistic, potbellied simians would eat it all themselves! However, intelligence sources have confirmed that the hairy one and the strange nerdy one are off to the dentist tomorrow, hopefully their mandibles will be wired shut, leaving an opening for me and my counter surfing deftness! Should I not perish from lack of nutrients in the night, I am reduced to chewing my own feet and the occasional nibble of the camel stool! How the kelb survives with his body mass I do not know!

Day 679 of Captivity

2009-06-21T19:15:00.002+03:00

Words fail me, I have been subjected to the most intolerable cruelty. The greedy fat male infidel has just sat and eaten an entire bag of maltesers, and despite my most pitiful looks, he didn't even spare me a crumb! I am outraged. I am considering chewing his notes during his next visit to the kitchen, he is working hard on his note taking for his masters, I am sure eating every other page would be due recompense for his miserly behaviour!

They had a stir fry for tea and all I managed to procure was one measly bean sprout. I wouldn't mind, but the corpulent kelb ate that!

I am still sulking with the kelb after his stupidity last night! The female Infidel actually allowed us to have a raw hide chew each last night. It has been some time since we had one, because the kelb always spoils things. I hid mine upstairs on the landing so they would think I had eaten it, then I taunted the kelb hoping to entice him into giving his up, but he was not giving in easily and he ignored me! I became tired of him, he does tend to bring on a feeling of malaise after just a few moments in his irksome company.

The little sneak sidled out of the room, as soon as my back was turned, and went upstairs to retrieve the chew I had hidden. He skipped into the room all smug with one sticking out of each side of his gormless great mouth. He even had the audacity to gallop round the room dancing with glee and taunting me. Needless to say I was extremely vexed and I let him have it. The female infidel chastised ME and then confiscated the chews. I berated the kelb for some time after they were taken and pouted at him from the couch across the room, whilst he sat gazing vacantly in the direction that the chews were last seen. I could almost hear the air rushing around the emptiness that is his skull. He sucks the fun right out of life!

Day 672 of Captivity

2009-06-14T18:06:00.002+03:00

Yesterday was the hairy infidels birthday. The ungrateful young upstart didn't seem to appreciate my gift of warm chicken vomit that I unselfishly left on his pillow for him. He thundered down the stairs bellowing like a bull and he called me some very unkind names! The youth of today are just so ungrateful. Next time I shall defecate in his slippers!

This morning the female infidel swanned off to a coffee morning on another compound, where she quaffed cakes (as if her ass isn't big enough!) and sat about all morning twittering on to any poor soul she could detain. I can just imagine the anguish, those poor people! The female infidel didn't even bring back a morsel for us, the greedy wench! Myself and the kelb were left in the care of the hairy infidel and the sullen strange boy infidel. I am still sulking about the hairy one's churlish behaviour yesterday. To teach him a lesson, I decided I would defecate in his slippers! My generosity knows no bounds. By the smell of them, I wasn't the first, although I couldn't name the breed from the stench, possibly Orangutan or some form of marsupial. I am dozing on the couch awaiting the fallout when he discovers them.

Day 670 of Captivity

2009-06-12T14:47:00.002+03:00

The infidels went out last night to partake in an evening of drunken debauchery at the British Embassy. They are truly scandalous and came home in the early hours of the morning in a drunken stupor, they are such heathens. I have my suspicions that they may have eaten prohibited pig meat as well, they are just depraved enough!

Before they went out they spent ages primping themselves. While the female infidel was in the shower she left the clothes she was to wear out ready and her new shoes. I have not eaten a pair of shoes in a while and thought this a good opportunity to revisit the pleasure. I managed to chew a small hole in the side of one of her shoes while she was busy in the bathroom. She became quite enraged when she came out of the bathroom and caught me just about to have a chew on the heels, I have never seen her move so quickly and the language was atrocious!

Needless to say the infidels have spent much of the day in bed. I tried to rouse them to let me out, but it was a pointless exercise. I was left aghast when I wrapped myself up in the kilim and began chewing on the corners, the female infidel has the hearing of a fruit bat and she was out of bed quicker than a flash and issuing death threats. She trudged down to the garden with me and became very impatient as I plodded round the garden smelling the flowers and taking my time to enjoy the baking sun, which seemed to turn the female infidel an ashen shade. They have not moved much today and look like death warmed up, the only thing that gets them active is playfully jumping on their heads, they don't seem too pleased about it either!

Day 667 of Captivity

2009-06-09T19:53:00.002+03:00

The vacuous kelb ate some red ants yesterday whilst inhaling his supper. It has amused me no end, as he looks like a canine Mick Jagger! His lips swelled right up making his head look even fatter than usual. He has not had a good day, he was given his boosters yesterday in his back legs, so to top it off he has been walking as if the Vet left the thermometer in. From the front he looks like Mick Jagger and from the rear he looks like John Inman. He has been such a bore and just lay around feeling sorry for himself. I have been forced to find my own amusement. I spent the morning distressing the infidels camel stool and pulling out wadding from the storage in the back room and shredding it leaving a trail of destruction for the female infidel to tut over.

The male infidel cooked this evening. As they were loading up the dishwasher I did a pre wash, I do like to do my bit. I think the male needs to tweek his recipe, it made my tongue burn and my eyes water! It has put me off assisting them for a time. No doubt I shall be spending tomorrow licking my anus like a common kelb! Damn his ham-fisted use of curry powder!

Day 665 of Captivity

2009-06-07T14:49:00.002+03:00

I am outraged! The female Infidel maimed me with her cycling contraption this morning. The foul kelb stopped to evacuate his bowels and the female infidel was most put out that I was attempting to alert her to a peasant cat encroaching on our personal space. The sheer impudence of the grimy creature was inconceivable! The female Infidel was attempting to pick up the kelb's leavings (a ghastly activity these Infidels perform that I have found most peculiar!) and became quite cross as I attempted to pull the cycling contraption round so that I could dispatch the ghastly peasant cat. She attempted to mount the cycling contraption and ignore the brute. I jumped up and scratched her arm to bring her out of the stupour she was clearly in. She became more determined to cycle on, there was nothing for it, I threw myself against the rear tyre in an attempt to stop the madness. She cursed loudly and told me to stop being such an imbecile. I am now sporting a large friction burn on my chest and a severe reprimand from the female Infidel for allegedly attempting to take her life. She can be such a drama queen! When I licked off all of the iodine and antiseptic cream, she even had the gall to threaten me with the cone of despair! The abuse continues.

The kelb was supposed to be taken to the vet yesterday evening to have his boosters. He managed to get a reprieve, as when the male Infidel came home from work he said he was far too tired for such ventures! From what I can gather his occupation entails his sitting in a large leather chair in a big office, I cannot understand how that would be very tiring at all. I am pretty sure by the look on the female Infidels face that she was struggling to comprehend this too. She muttered something about being slightly put out she was unable to drive herself. At least I think that is what the cursing meant.

Day 664 of Captivity

2009-06-06T20:39:00.002+03:00

Following the ups and downs of my illness, life has returned to the dull monotony of Infidel hell that I previously existed in. To pass the time I have been perusing the Infidels vast dvd collection. I came across an interesting series called Prison Break, however I am not prepared to have a map of the prison tattooed onto my royal coat and I certainly don't want the kelb getting in on the plan! He is far too vapid and his foul stench would give the game away.

I have taken to wandering nocturnally round the bedroom, occasionally bursting into song of such ear splitting pitch it would stun a thrush in mid flight. This normally rouses the female Infidel. I have to say she is a philistine where my singing is concerned. Waking in the night brings out the shrew in her and she is prone to fits of apoplexy.

To compensate for my nocturnal activity, I am prone to narcolepsy once I have assured she is awake and mobile. I tend to spend the day languishing on the couch, shouting abuse at the occasional passing peasant, whilst the female infidel scowls menacingly from the opposite side of the room with her moronic sidekick drooling at her feet.

I have set aside The Great Escape and Escape From Alcatraz for future viewing, as Prison Break was rather disappointing. Tattoos! *shudder*

Day 656 of Captivity

2009-05-29T19:57:00.002+03:00

During the dark days of my illness I flicked through some of the infidels novels. it would appear that Infidels take a perverse pleasure in torturing royalty. They had such titles as "The Man in the Iron Mask". What devils have held me captive?

The Infidels have finally removed the cone of anguish that they had burdened me with these past few weeks. I note that they have kept it and renamed it the cone of coercion. It is in the back room glinting at me fiendishly. As soon as the opportunity arises I will eat it.

I am slightly sad to see the cone go, as I had developed a great game for torturing the kelb. I would stand over him with the cone and trap his face in it. If you saw his eyes bulge and his legs flail you would think it was vacuum sealed. Most amusing! I also quite enjoyed using it as a weapon of mass destruction and knee capping the Infidels with it. That said I am fully functioning again as counter surfing champion KSA, the cone was somewhat hindering.

The female Infidel bathed me this morning and then dragged her victorian torture tool known as the Furminator through my coat. I was just pleased to be free of the cone of anguish so I did not put up a fight. The kelb was bathed too.

The Infidels were preparing their dinner. In their absence I chewed two enormous holes in one of the throws on the couch. It has been ages since I have been able to wreck havoc on their lives and I didn't want them forgetting just what I am capable of did I?

Day 649 of Captivity

2009-05-22T13:55:00.003+03:00

The Infidels thought the war was won when they put that huge cone on my head, but they underestimated me. Just before they were going to bed the other night I chucked myself about and managed to smash the cone in half and get free of it. It was very late at night, so the Infidels did a repair job on it and then the female guarded me all night. The following morning she called that evil vet and made arrangements to take me back! She seemed very worried and had been crying in the night. Clearly the guilt is back.

That afternoon they returned me to the vet. There was a lot of wringing of hands and worried expressions. It was discovered that I had removed all of my stitches and done some damage to the tissue underneath. I had an infection and was quite poorly. The vet gave me an injection in my back, the needle was huge! Neither of the Infidels could watch, but they didn't stop him either. They then took me back to the car and on the way home they bought a new giant lampshade to put on my head. As if the trip to the vet had not been torturous enough! To let them know how much I objected I vomited all over the female Infidel just minutes from home. I thought she was going to cry, she was literally covered in it.

It seems that dastardly vet had given the Infidels some tablets for me to sedate me and keep me from getting at my wound for a few days. The female gave me 2 tablets and stayed up with me all night, as I fought it and would not settle. Eventually I calmed down and the infidels have kept me in that state for a few days now. they have slept by my side taking it in turns to watch over me and brought me drinks of water, and fed me and just made sure I was well. Perhaps I have misjudged these Infidels, although I suspect a more likely explanation is that they have not been giving me sedatives at all, but mind altering drugs in an attempt to trick me into liking them. I am sure once I am lucid again I will see things more clearly.

In an attempt to make up for their evil deeds the infidels went out yesterday and bought me a new chair to sleep in. It hardly compensates for having me sawn in half, but it will do for a start!

I am now being as annoying as possible whinging in my highest voice and digging up the couch. When I am well again, I have a lot of making up to do.

Day 645 of Captivity

2009-05-18T20:45:00.002+03:00

Not satisfied with having me gutted, those depraved Infidels have gone on a mutilation spree and have now taken the kelb to the vet! He came back looking like his scrotum had been used as a punch bag by Ricky Hatton! He is not amused and has been rather pathetic. I was sawn in half and you don't see me rolling around being feeble! I have taken the bull by the horns and managed to work out how to push past that lampshade and get to my stitches. However, those cursed Infidels have discovered my little secret and have taken the torture up a level. I am now wandering about with a satellite dish on my head picking up Al Jazeera and sulking like only a Saluki can. The lampshade I am currently wearing would be more at home at Jodrell Bank!

They have also discovered that I have been scratching my chest and got it very raw. In an attempt to prevent this I am wearing stupid socks and a hideous off cast T shirt, the hand me down of a sweaty adolescent! It smells strange and belongs in Barry Manilow's wardrobe. The smell can only be described as youth. I am now confined to throwing myself about in my crate, writhing in agony and unable to chew my stitches. Can life be any more desolate!?!

Day 643 of Captivity

2009-05-16T16:23:00.003+03:00

The cruelty of the infidels knows no bounds! Not satisfied with having me sawn in half, they have now attached a hideous plastic lampshade to my collar. It is like an albatross around my neck. What kind of sadists are they? I have taken to my cell, as I am too ashamed to be seen in public looking like Shakespeare's dog! It is useful though, for knocking their precious things off tables and chaffing the kelb's posterior! The bonus is that the kelb is afraid of the collar, so I keep looming at him. It is most amusing seeing the vapid creature completely freak out!

O' frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! The kelb bids farewell to his plums tomorrow. Whilst I can't reach my own stitches I am sure I will manage to gnaw on his! *smiles smugly*

Day 641 of Captivity

2009-05-14T10:31:00.002+03:00

I just about made it through the night! I felt very uncomfortable and shuffled about a bit, the female thought it was my wound and allowed me to get comfy. I urinated on her couch. The male infidel was none too pleased, but the female, still wracked with guilt defended me saying that I was probably still a bit out of it on the GA. Little does she know that had the male not taken me to the garden and I was able to push I would have defecated on there as well! I finally managed to do that in the garden, after the humiliation of having wet cloths to assist me. Is there no end to the degradation I must endure!

The infidels are clearly beside themselves with guilt for having me maimed. They actually allowed me to languish on their bed all night in between them. I woke in the night a couple of times and was very sick. The female was alerted to it and took me out the back. I woke her this morning chewing on my stitches and she has now dressed me in a disgusting Adidas T shirt and tied a ribbon round the waist in an attempt to stop me. Adidas! I am Gucci or Amani for goodness sake! Not only have they injured me but they are now humiliating me as well. The female's guilt has obviously eroded as she has chastised me several times this morning for chewing my stitches. She clearly underestimates the power of the Saluki when it comes to sulking, she will pay dearly for this!

I can hardly wait until it is the turn of the kelb, he is trotting about with an air of smug satisfaction. *Growl*

Day 640 of Captivity

2009-05-13T19:23:00.002+03:00

I have been violated! Those devils took me into town today and left me at the Vets. I was then sawn in half and gutted like a fish! I am now languishing on the couch minutes from death. The female infidel clearly feels guilty for her part in this, she has been flapping round and giving me drinks of water. The kelb keeps pushing his fat face close to mine and licking me! If he gets close enough I will bite him, this is all his fault! I am taking solace in the fact that, little does he know, but he is next and they are taking his man bits. He will be barking castrato as of Sunday. I would sneer at him, but I am in too much pain! I feel I must milk this for the full duration. Those scoundrels will suffer for this!

On the bright side the crinkly infidels have gone. I didn't manage to eat much of their stuff, just a quick nibble on some headphones and a book. The kelb and I certainly seemed to cause them great stress while the infidels were away languishing in a hotel in Marrakech, having abandoned us and left us at the mercy of the crinklies. Don't worry we made the crinklies suffer! The kelb kept trying to make me his woman during my pseudo season, a hypothesis so grisly, bile rises up in my mouth at the very thought! The female kindly brought me back two sheeps leather pouffes, which I am delighted with and have distressed a little.

I will write more if I survive the night and gain my strength back. *peffle*

Day 623 of Captivity

2009-04-26T06:59:00.002+03:00

What an absolutely dreadful week I have had! Not only have I had to endure having more Infidels around me, but I have also been having another pseudo season. The kelb has been a dribbling, whining buffoon, no change from normal granted, but he has followed my every move and been fawning all over me. I have standards! I was taken to the vet to see if they can help as this has been the worst one in a long time. The Infidels have found a new vet and seemed to be very confident in him. There was talk of x-rays to confirm the remnant and possibly another spay operation! I feel pretty fed up at the moment and I swear if the kelb doesn't stop his whining, I will bite his face off!

On the bright side, there was a glimmer of hope yesterday! I saw a peasant cat on our bike ride and one tug, I managed to snap my leash and break free. I was so excited at the prospect of dispatching the cat, I didn't realise I could have run away! I ran off at top speed and screeched to an emergency stop just over the peasant creature, but it made off and ran under a car. The female Infidel was frantic and screaming my name. She released the kelb from the bike to chase me down. The cat ran under the nearest car and I stood guard ready to pounce when it came out, but unfortunately I was so focussed on the cat, I didn't see the female coming and she grabbed my collar and walked myself and the kelb home. She was in a black mood. When she got home, she realised I was bleeding, I had skinned my pads and the back of my rear leg in my emergency skid on the concrete. She has put some cream on them and will not let me keep them clean. When I chew them clean, she threatens to make me wear a lamp shade on my head, these Infidels are just the pits!

We did not go out on the bike this morning, but were walked round. I will wait until next time and run away, that vacuous cat distracted me, but now I know there is a way...........

Day 618 of Captivity

2009-04-20T10:27:00.002+03:00

The other night the Infidels were feeling lazy and ordered their dinner from the restaurant. The male Infidel put some money on the dresser ready to pay for the delivery and then popped to the lavatory. While he was gone, I surreptitiously removed the money from the dresser and took it into the lounge and shredded it into a million pieces. The male returned from the lavatory and sat on the couch waiting for the food to arrive. I lay on the couch with a sly grin on my face. The doorbell rang and I have to admit to taking some perverse pleasure out of seeing him go to the dresser, see the money was missing, then go about the house shouting to everyone asking them if they had removed it. The look of sheer horror as he passed through the lounge and saw the carpet festooned with a confetti of money was just hilarious. Not nearly as funny as seeing him red faced on the door step explaining to the restaurant that he would have to pass by later and drop off some money, as his beloved pet had ingested the money he had set aside. More amusing was the sheer realisation that it was one puzzle he was not going to ever be able to reconstruct as I had swallowed the odd piece.

I am suffering for my deed now as a few nights ago the house was invaded by yet more Infidels. These are the very Infidels that spawned the female! They are sleeping in the house and still have not left, it has been almost a week now. I hope that they are not staying for good. The Infidel they call Grandad worries me. I urinated on the end of his bed to let him know that I was not amused by his trespassing. I have tried to gain access to the room since, but they seem to be keeping it locked up tight.

Day 601 of Captivity

2009-04-03T14:21:00.000+03:00

The female Infidel was ill yesterday. She went to bed to wallow in her own self pity and of course the creepy kelb went with her to lie by her side, throwing her the odd pitying look and being a general crawler. He disgusts me! I went up there too, because I am quite nosey. The female Infidel eventually drifted off to sleep, but lying watching her being feeble was becoming rather tedious. I was bored and decided to sprint round the room at top speed, jumping hard onto the bed a couple of times, until the female Infidel sat up wide eyed and swearing like a Trooper, flapping her arms around and generally looking outraged. She then threw the bedroom door open and dismissed me, sending me from the room. I was only too glad to leave and went downstairs, her reddened distorted face and shrill rantings retreating into the distance as I ran downstairs to the safety of the male Infidel, who at least saw the funny side to my escapade. She has no sense of fun!

It is raining again today, and there is no chance the female will get me out there running today. I hate rain! I am so bored though. The Infidels will not allow me to amuse myself by sprinting round the lounge. I have thrown the couch into the window a couple of times, which is enough to send the female Infidel into a rage, she keeps threatening to crate me if I don't calm down. I have indulged in a spot of counter surfing, but the stingy Infidels have taken to hiding any contraband in the microwave and I can't quite get the door open myself. I have tried dragging it off the counter to see if the fall would open the door, but the noise it makes tends to alert the infidels who are never too far away from me for some strange reason.

I am lying on the back of the couch staring out of the windows, amusing myself by barking at passers by, this activity tends to gall the infidels, especially when the vacuous kelb joins in, because he is very loud and irritating.

Day 599 of Captivity

2009-03-31T18:34:00.002+03:00

The female Infidel woke the male with a cup of tea and some toast this morning. She then went back downstairs to get her own, leaving the kelb and I in the room with the male Infidel. I was lolling about on the Infidels bed, when suddenly I lunged at the male and absconded with a slice of his toast smothered in delicious peanut butter. The male was infuriated by my impudence and he jumped up out of bed and began pursuing me most vigorously. We danced from one side of the bed to the other, and I could see he was about to explode with fury. The female Infidel was aghast, as she opened the door to witness a naked male Infidel lunging across the bed like superman making a grab for my retreating posterior as I made a run for the now open door. I am not sure who was more disturbed by the vision of a naked male infidel leaping through the air in a pathetic attempt to catch me, myself or the female Infidel. She looked quite pale.

I made my way to the mid landing and relished my spoils. The male Infidel sulked for quite some time, he did not even crack when I leant against him with huge sad eyes, fluttering my eyelashes. That usually gets him every time, he is such a drama queen, he would have given me the toast anyway, I just couldn't wait! The kelb was horrified and kept giving me withering stares from his bed, letting me know that he found my behaviour distasteful. He then had the audacity to make several advances on my person throughout the day, when will he realise that I would never stoop so low!

The female infidel spent the morning baking the most delicious chocolate muffins, which she put under that annoying dome to prevent me from partaking in what should have been my share. She is so miserly, her excuse is that chocolate is bad for dogs, looking at what it has done to her ass, perhaps she is right!

Day 597 of Captivity

2009-03-29T08:43:00.002+03:00

Those dastardly villains have really gone too far this time. I have a cut on my leg, which I have been keeping clean by chewing it. This does not meet with the standards of the female infidel, however, and she has put some horrid stingy stuff on it and taped it all up. To add to my humiliation she has then forced me to wear a stupid sock, to apparently keep it clean. I think she just wants me to look a fool. She is very cruel and told me if she catches me chewing the sock, she will put olbas oil on it to put me off! She is a scoundrel and her cruelty knows no bounds! She is convincing herself it is for my own good. Poor deluded imbecile!

Not only have I had to endure this intolerable cruelty, but I was then forced to parade through the streets this morning, looking like I had a wooden leg. Of course I milked it for all it was worth, and when we passed anyone I put on my most pathetic of faces. I did get some sympathy, but no one seems to have felt compelled to come to my aid and free me. I am still a captive. I have concluded that all the infidels must be as depraved as each other. I continue to document their acts of sadism against me, in the vain hope that someone out there will take pity on me and come to my rescue. In the meantime I remain in this soul-destroying existence. The Kelb is drooling on the couch next to me, he really is repugnant.

The infidels managed to compound their abuse a few weeks back, thinking that I would be willing to share a chaise with the kelb for the evening whilst they slept. Most kind of them to free me from my cell, but really, sleep with the kelb? I choose jail! I skulked off to my cell in a sullen mood. I am a Pure bred Arabian princess and he is a disgusting troll, I would rather be flayed alive and rolled in salt than have to endure his drooling, smelly carcass next to me all evening. The very thought makes my blood run cold! Will this persecution ever end?

Day 579 of Captivity

2009-03-10T17:38:00.002+03:00

Today has been such a drag. A most heinous dust storm swept through Riyadh this afternoon, turning the sky almost red! We were confined to the prison, but quite frankly you wouldn't have got me outside today for anything! I have spent much of the day lounging on the couch, in a state of unconsciousness.

In an attempt to alleviate my boredom I went on a recce for food, as I was close to starvation given that the miserly infidels did not share their dinner with me just for a change. It smelt so nice as well and I gave them my best "wasting away" stare too! I really don't know how they managed to resist, they are so insensitive.

The female infidel made some shortbread this morning, that took my fancy. It was on the kitchen counter under a huge plastic dome. I was so annoyed, I had just managed to get the dome off and removed a large slice for myself. As I was about to clamp my jaws shut around my ill-gotten gains that infuriating cretin of a male infidel caught me in the act and swiped my contraband. I was crushed. He then banished me to my cell, berating me all the way. I am waiting to be released for a second attempt, as I think I would have quite enjoyed eating that! Damn infidels!

Day 577 of Captivity

2009-03-08T19:02:00.002+03:00

There is no end to the cruelty that these infidels will stoop to. This weekend I was taken in the motor vehicle to visit the Vet! I do not like the Vet, he generally sticks needles in me for no good reason. I refused to get out of my crate when we arrived and made sure that the female infidel had to heave and pant to get me out. I then refused to walk on my own, I was not about to make it easy for them. The female seems to believe I settle better with her, so she had the job of carrying me in and up the 2 flights of stairs. She was wheezing like an asthmatic Rhino by the time we arrived at the desk of the Vet, most undignified!

The Vet then stabbed me in the neck, not once, but three times! It was most disagreeable and if I could have turned my head I would have bitten him. The one thing I did like about the Vet's was that there were many peasant cats just there for the taking, although of course the shadow of bore did not allow me to indulge in any such delight. She really does suck the fun out of everything! I was made to stand about while they prattled on with the Vet. Finally they decided to return to the motor vehicle. I walked there on my own, I was only too happy to be retreating from the Vet's.

We set off for home again. Just as we were turning onto the street where we reside, I exacted my revenge. I vomited through the bars of the crate, managing to catch the female infidel as it passed through the bars of the crate, splashing onto her aghast face. An appropriate reprisal I feel.

Day 573 of Captivity

2009-03-04T09:07:00.003+03:00

I am so touched and humbled, a fellow blogger http://colyndog.blogspot.com and follower of my rantings has deemed me a Kreativ blogger and has given me my first award. I feel guilty as I have not blogged as often as I would have liked to lately, due to the female infidel hogging the computer! I have to nominate 7 other blogs, which will be very difficult as there are so many to choose from.
Once you receive the Kreativ Blogger award you’re supposed to pass on the good cheer.

Here are the instructions:
1. Copy the award to your site.
2. Link to the person from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate 7 other bloggers. (how to choose only 7!!)
4. Link to those sites on your blog.
5. Leave a message on the blogs you nominate.

I pass along the good cheer to the following blogs:

1. http://www.petconnection.com/blog/2008/12/07/total-sighthound-world-domination/

2. http://cautionhasbitten.blogspot.com/

3. http://smartdogs.worldpress.com/

4. http://baddogsandsuch.blogspot.com/indexhtml

5. http://www.underdogged.net

6. http://retiredgreyhoundwalkaround.blogspot.com

7. http://muttgal.blogspot.com

Day 571 of Captivity

2009-03-02T18:43:00.002+03:00

1 shoe (the female infidel was a bit put out by this as it was her favourite shoes, ah she still has one so I don't really see what she has to complain about!)
The infidels tea as it was left marinating, this made me sick, they really ought to learn to cook!
I have dug a trench right round the garden, which infuriated the female infidel, as the soil was wet and I got very dirty, so she bathed me; which in turn infuriated me!
1 kitchen chair leg, I only chewed it, it was not as if I completely destroyed it, but of course there were histrionics from the infidels
several dish cloths and tea towels
The new oven gloves
A candle, not too tasty that so I spit it out all over the place, and the female became quite vexed as she had not long hoovered.
2 pens, managed to deposit some of the ink on the carpet before they were confiscated.

All in all a pretty good week, although the infidels do not seem to be of the same opinion on the subject. In fact I overheard the female infidel muttering about taking me to see someone called Vlad the Impaler to have my hormones suppressed, as I am due to be inoculated anyway. I am not too sure I am happy about this, particularly as I heard her say that euthanasia might be cheaper in the long run!

There seems to be no hope of ever enticing my Arabic neighbours into a rescue attempt. They have forsaken me and gone over to the dark side, they are harbouring a peasant cat in their accommodation! I have tried to warn them on several occasions that it had got in there by shouting across at them, but now it seems the peasant has got comfortable and has bewitched them. It is wearing a collar, that usually means that they intend to keep you. I am demoralised, if anything I thought they might be my saviours one day. To add insult to injury the peasant keeps looking smugly across at me from the window of their abode. I am resigned to the fact I am facing more endless days of monotony under the regime of the infidels.

Day 563 of Captivity

2009-02-22T19:20:00.003+03:00

The female infidel was busy cooking dinner in the kitchen this afternoon, and the wizened old shrew would not let me assist. Every time I jumped up at the counter to better see what she was up to, she growled at me and sent me on my way. She grudgingly spared me a carrot to chew on, which I took into the lounge. She was blissfully unaware and thought I was happily chewing on my carrot, and left me to my own devices for a few moments. I took this opportunity to abscond with a string of fairy lights that the female infidel thinks looks fabulous in a bowl with some pot pourri. I beg to differ and ate the fairy lights and some of the pot pourri as well! I chewed them into several smaller strings, which seemed to incense the female infidel somewhat. I was sent directly to my crate for some time, apparently for my own safety! Once she released me I shredded the dish cloth. As if a little solitary confinement would bring my reign of evilness to a standstill. I scoff at you infidels!

Day 555 of Captivity

2009-02-14T10:58:00.002+03:00

The Infidels quaffed down a chinese take away last night, and despite my best endeavors to look as emaciated and pathetic as possible, the greedy beasts didn't offer me even a morsel! I was infuriated! Being an opportunist, I waited for them to engage in conversation after the meal and before they had chance to clear away the plates, I jumped up at the kitchen table and scoffed down as many scraps as I could, before the evil crone of a female infidel caught me and sucked the joy out of my life by taking away the plates whilst berating me. The shadow of bore strikes again, she is a nuisance!

She was quite livid last week when I attempted to eat a peasant cat that decided to perch on the windowsill outside the lounge! I think what galled her was the fact that I became ever so slightly entangled in the wooden blinds at the window. It was not my fault, and the intruder needed to be dispatched immediately for displaying such insolent behaviour. The female did not seem at all perturbed by the intrusion and was more concerned by the assault on the blinds! She is quite unhinged and I do worry about her at times.

Day 543 of Captivity

2009-02-02T20:09:00.002+03:00

I have had the most dreadful few days, I have been so ill. I think the kelb must have infected me with his disgusting germs, as it is most suspicious that he was ill at the same time. He is always breathing his foul breath on me, he must have contaminated me. Not only have I been ill, but I have been ill with a repulsive kelb virus! I could have expired! I have spent much of my time asleep, too weak to engage in much skullduggery.

I was feeling much better last night and decided a spot of skulking was in order, especially as the infidels have got off lightly these past few days. I managed to entice the male infidel into following me about for a time, but he soon tired of it and lapsed into a bout of rage! He can be so tiresome! The female wasn't engaging in being a source of my amusement either.

This morning she cooked a huge pan of stew, it smelt so lovely. I did attempt to remove the lid and taste some but she heard me clattering about in the kitchen and dismissed me from the room. They are so selfish and never share their consumables. I have to eat a horrid gruel of raw chicken, while they banquet on all kinds of wonderful things. In order to exact my revenge, I ate the cover from the female infidels novel she is reading while they were quaffing! She who laughs last, laughs longest!!!!

Day 533 of Captivity

2009-01-24T20:20:00.002+03:00

This week I have mostly been eating spectacles:

Consumables of 2009 1 pair of sunglasses belonging to a visiting Infidel (sequestering visiting Infidels possessions always has the maximum impact and causes the most fuss!)

1 Pair of spectacles belonging to the male Infidel

1 pair of spectacles belonging to the weedy adolescent Infidel

I have relished in infuriating the female Infidel this week. I am experiencing a "false season" at the moment, which is a great excuse to behave restlessly and partake in much skullduggery. Pacing relentlessly about the prison, looking shifty usually results in a bout of rage from either the female who has spent much of the day supervising my pacing (she doesn't appear to trust me out of her line of sight!) or the male who is "weary from a days work". Unfortunately this then results in solitary confinement for me. I do glean some satisfaction from bringing them to the brink of rage at times. I can then sit in my cell and plot my next assault.

I have managed to sequester several pairs of spectacles this week, however, I have not managed to eviscerate them thanks to the constant shadow of bore that follows me around all day in the form of the female Infidel. Quite a frightening form she is too! Her grating voice and tedious demeanour, she never lets me have any fun! Every little expression of freedom is quashed. Only this afternoon I was dragging my bedding from my crate, as I was most put out that it had been washed. I was going to drag it through the garden and get it nice and pungent again, but oh no the shadow of bore protested as usual! YAAAAAAAAAAAWN!

I have taken to singing along to various theme tunes on the television, much to the displeasure of the Infidels. I can reach some really high notes as well, but as usual being completely dreary the Infidels hate it. They say my voice pierces their ear drums! Coming from the female, who screeches incessantly, I find this to be rather hypercritical! Yes the tedium continues, sigh!

Day 526 of Captivity

2009-01-17T18:57:00.002+03:00

Consumables of 2009: 1 Satellite TV control

1 Coaster

1 watch strap

I like to keep my diet mixed and varied.

I almost managed to maim the male infidel this evening. He was throwing himself about on this new electric running machine they have bought. I was stood at the foot of the belt contemplating what would happen if I stepped on the end during his run, when the female caught me and flapped her arms about to make me move. They are always flapping about, it is most annoying. I assume that my stepping on the end of the belt mid run would have had dire consequences for the male infidel, perhaps I will store this one for another day, when the pesky female is not there to interrupt me.

Day 519 of Captivity

2009-01-10T18:59:00.002+03:00

The hairy adolescent infidel tried to kill me this evening! I was just about to tuck into the weedy one's pudding, when he shrieked at the top of his voice and almost gave me a heart attack! I was so shocked I almost dropped the mouthful of toffee pie I had sequestered! I was forced to bolt my second mouthful as he began to wave his arms around in an alarming manner. It is all rather disconcerting when one is trying to eat!

The male infidel took pity on me and gave me some of his ice cream. This does not mean that I like him and I will continue to eviscerate his underwear wherever and whenever I find it.

I managed to add to the kelb's already disturbed state of mind by draping myself around his neck this evening and biting a lump from the corner of his eye. The big jesse just lay there and allowed me to maul him. I told him to man up! He remains hopeful that I will one day be seduced by his brawny, untalented advances. Quite frankly I would rather be flayed alive and rolled in marmite! GAK! He is truly repellent!

Day 515 of Captivity

2009-01-06T19:29:00.002+03:00

I have not been very well over the Christmas period, it is all the Infidels fault for leaving such niceties lying about just asking to be consumed. As a result the evil Infidels decided to starve the kelb and I for 24 hours. To pay them back for their callousness, I woke them in the early hours of the morning gagging, having nothing to sustain me, but my hatred of the Infidels. It was my 2nd birthday that morning as well!

I was fed a meagre meal of gruel of raw chicken after suffering at the hands of the diabolical Infidels, hardly recompense! I stored their monstrous behaviour to use against them later. The opportunity arose to retaliate this evening and I regurgitated my ghastly meal of chicken onto their much prized Indian carpet. The fun then began as the female Infidel attempted to wrestle the big fat kelb to the ground before he banqueted on my leavings. I decided to fight the kelb just to add even more amusement to the situation. The female was not amused and exploded into a fit of apoplexy. The kelb astutely made his exit and let the female clean up what was left. I was sent to the solitary confinement of my crate.

Not satisfied with my counterattack on the Infidels, I waited until they were engrossed in the television and took my opportunity for some further skullduggery. While I was left in solitary the Infidels had dined on some nice smelling homemade herby chicken nuggets. I thought the oil they were cooked in smelt rather good so managed a good 5 minutes drinking it. The female Infidel was absolutely horrified when she walked in on me! It appears that the last laugh is on me though, I am now confined to the couch with the most frightful bellyache and they don't even care that I am crying! The male Infidel even said that it was my own fault! Perhaps I will turn the tables and wake them at dawn with some serious wretching, see who is laughing then!

Day 505 of Captivity

2008-12-27T20:21:00.002+03:00

Well I'll be damned, this heathen festival of Christmas has not been so bad after all, in that it has provided many opportunities for food thievery and skullduggery. The Female Infidel does seem to have placed me under a close supervision order these past few days which I find rather exasperating! I was just unwrapping my second quality street chocolate this afternoon, that I had looted while she was otherwise engaged; but unfortunately she returned to the room and caught me in the act. I made her chase me round the furniture to retrieve it, leaving her a gasping heap on the couch as I sprang gracefully round the coffee table. She is about as agile as a wounded rhino!

This festival seems to be a time for leaving plates piled high with copious amounts of wonderful smelling food just lying about the place to be pilfered. The boring fat kelb never takes anything, even when it is right there asking to be liberated. He almost caved at lunch time when it came to the cheese board, flapping his tongue about in the distance! How vapid of him, he is a large dog and could easily overpower any of the infidels and just take it, but he is too busy being a big fat creep. He sits and gives them a paw for goodness sake. The Infidels seem to absolutely lap this up and give him the odd titbit here and there. I would never descend to such degradation!

I have managed to purloin the odd mince pie and chocolate here and there. Christmas morning was marvelous, apart from a appalling beginning to the day whereby the female served me up with a plate of turkey giblets! She was so pleased with this abysmal offering it was really quite tragic. Of course the kelb devoured the lot with glee. He really is an abomination!

The day did pick up, however, when I "assisted" the hairy infidel and his weedy sibling in opening their gifts by dashing past them and ripping great lumps of paper off for them, which I then did a lap of victory of the coffee table with. I had a blast. It did seem to irk the adolescents, so somewhat of a bonus!

The drawback to the day was that I was put into solitary once it was time to serve up the mouth watering meal that they all quaffed. The miserable Infidels got irritated because I was circling the dining table like a shark. It smelled so good, much better than the abhorrent gruel that was bestowed upon me this morning. They must have been consumed with guilt for their cruelty, because after they had eaten I was given a lovely big bowl of cooked turkey, which I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed. Now what I would like to know is, why can't they feed me like that everyday!

Day 498 of Captivity

2008-12-20T18:57:00.002+03:00

This year I have mostly been eating:

1 camel saddle

7 pairs of shoes

1 mobile phone

2 pairs of spectacles

3 of the legs from a wooden elephant

2 TV remotes

2 kitchen chairs

A trashy novel

pot pourri

A brightly coloured pen (managed to get the ink on the carpet with that one)

An Umbrella plant

Several yards of tinsel

A blanket

All of the sweaty kelbs toys (he should not be so pitiful and run round with cuddly toys)

Cushion covers

Tassels from cushions

The curtains on the landing

The tie backs on the landing

The rug on the landing (bit of a clue here, supervise me on the landing!)

The face off a sock monkey (I was disturbed mid chew and did not manage to fully consume this item)

1 DVD

Several TV guides

Various invertebrates found in the garden

Various dish cloths and sponges (I particularly like the green scrubby variety of sponge if anyone is thinking of a Christmas gift!)

Much counter surfing activity has taken place this year and I have managed to surreptitiously liberate several doughnuts from being scoffed by the infidels ( I am only thinking of their girth)

And a Weim mar rah ah ah ner ( hmm it works to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas)

Yes, all in all it has been a good year for consumables. May 2009 bring more of the same.

Day 492 of Captivity

2008-12-14T20:25:00.003+03:00

As I lay pouting on the couch saddened at not being able to attend Hadj AGAIN, I am spurred on by the thought that at least I annoy the Infidels. The female Infidel in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up, left a black shoe box lying in the dining room. I think the thought was if I closed my eyes and ran round it I would imagine the thrill of mixing with millions of true believers making our way around the Kabbah, instead I ate the shoes and chewed the box. How lame is she?

She went out this morning to meet with fellow infidels and consume coffee and quaff cakes! She seems to be attempting to match her own body weight when consuming the cakes. I myself have found a new game to play with the kelb, it is called "Torture the Kelb with food". I wait for the imbecile to devour his chicken, all the while skulking round the garden pretending to sniff the flowers. Once he has finished I very, very slowly savour my chicken, enjoying every mouthful, whilst the drooling buffoon looks on. I particularly enjoy it when he attempts to help me with my meal and is unceremoniously stuffed in the kitchen to drool through the screen door. It is hilarious! One thing though, I almost died slipping in a river of his foul drool, what an embarrassing way to go! The sheer horror of being found in such a way by fellow peers!

I have actually managed to languish on the infidels bed these past few nights. I have to be careful to remain still until I hear the dulcet tones of the male infidel sucking in the room with his thunderous snores. The sound would put a rhino to shame! The nasal symphony is quite ghastly! In fact it vexed me so much last night, I was compelled to go into my crate of my own volition. As soon as the female heard me hit the back of the crate she leapt from her bed and locked me in, muttering something about my having been flapping about like a salmon! Still, I would rather be a salmon than a trout old bean!

day 485 of Captivity

2008-12-07T13:26:00.002+03:00

Scoff! The infidels have truly surpassed themselves this time, I really didn't believe they could be any more fatuous, but once again they have proved me wrong. They have erected a 7ft tree inside the house, yes you heard me right, it is actually INSIDE the house! It appears to be in celebration of that heathen festival Christmas! I am rather disappointed that the kelb has not tried to urinate on it even once; which is very out of character for him. That buffoon will urinate on just about anything, including on occasion ME!!!!

I have made many valiant attempts to sabotage this atrocity that now adorns our living room with its vulgar shiny embellishments and hideous flashing lights. I have driven the female infidel to the brink of insanity with my efforts, a favourite is to eat the tinsel she really gets upset by this. I have produced some very festive excreta in the last few weeks, complete with shiny bits of tinsel. Hang that on your tree infidels!

The female infidel is being all jolly and listening to tiresome tunes by worn out old has beens, such as Cliff Richards. If I hear Mistletoe and Wine one more time, I swear I will chew off my own ears! Oh, the monstrous torment these Infidels put me through is inhumane!

Of course it is Hadj, but instead of going on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I am to be left here surrounded by Christmas trees and bloody Father Christmas! I must have been truly evil in a former life to deserve the infinite perdition that is to be my daily life. I am going to wait until no one is looking and shred the Christmas presents, they will not enjoy this heretical affair. How very dare they! Allah be praised and deliver me from these infidels. I pray that the New Year brings opportunities for my emancipation.

Day 463 of Captivity

2008-11-15T17:43:00.002+03:00

I was just alerting the female Infidel to the fact that she had shut me out of the bedroom this morning, when she thrust the door open and ambushed me. I was unceremoniously plunged into the bath and scrubbed clean, in tea tree and oat shampoo! Since when has a Royal Saluki aspired to smell of tea tree! Curses!

The torture then continued as she cleaned my ears. I was rather vexed by this dastardly act. To pay her back for this treachery I did the wall of death of the lounge, bouncing hard on the new precious furniture. This sent the female Infidel into an apoplectic fury, which resulted in me once again being thrust into solitary in a most undignified fashion. In the hopes of giving her a heart attack or making her actually implode I then vomited on the carpet the instant I was released. I have spent the afternoon on the sofa with a look of smug glee on my face.

The only saving grace to this entire sorry episode was that the sweaty kelb was also tortured. He smells less like a decomposing badger, and one can be in his presence without feeling the urge to gag violently. Although, he still has the breath from Satan's buttocks! The horror.....The horror!

Day 452 of Captivity

2008-11-04T17:55:00.001+03:00

I knew that the Infidels were complete and utter simpletons, but I am now convinced that they don't have an ounce of sense! The world has been coming to an end and they have sat around drinking tea as if nothing were happening. There have been flashes of light in the sky, loud bangs and rumblings and the sky has been collapsing since yesterday, water has been gushing from the heavens. I am doomed to die as an infidel captive! Is there no end to the humiliation I must endure! I have been hiding in my crate and the kelb has taken refuge under the dining table. Death amongst these godless rogues must surely mean that I will not get into heaven, instead I will end my days surrounded by their pling pling gods and joss sticks. Help me!

Day 451 of Captivity

2008-11-03T11:40:00.003+03:00

This morning after our exercise on the cycling contraption the female infidel let me out into the garden. She was not as vigilant as she usually is and I managed to consume some umbrella grass. Once I was discovered I was ushered back into the house and the female infidel had a face like thunder. We went back to bed for a while as we had got up very early to exercise, I managed to secure a spot on the bed this morning and was enjoying languishing, scoffing at the kelb on his bed.

I waited until the female Infidel had drifted off and then I jumped off the bed and began to pace the bedroom looking for a suitable bit of carpet to deposit the regurgitated umbrella grass. I must have been a bit over zealous, as the noise I was making alerted the female infidel. I must say, she has to be applauded for the speed in which she thrust me into the en suite throwing bath mats left, right and centre as she went. I had no other choice but to deposit the vomit onto the tiled floor of the bathroom. Not quite the victorious technicolour yawn I envisaged for her carpets and the ensuing hysteria that it would have incited.

I felt slightly triumphant as the female, whilst swearing under her breath, wretched at having to clean up the slimy mess from the tiles, flapping her arms at the disgusting kelb who has been known to dine on my vomit on more than one occasion! That beast would eat things that would make a billy goat gag!

Needless to say my languishing was over and it was back to the cell for me. Still I took solace in the fact I had clearly upset the female infidel at an early hour of the day; a minor victory but I will take it.

I have been annoying her this morning by standing at the window on the precious new furniture, and every time she gets off her seat to remove me I jump down, only to jump back up when she returns to her seat at the computer book thing she spends her time "working" on. She took this for a time and then sent me to my crate, as she is clearly too lazy to keep getting up and down!

The tedium continues!

Day 442 of Captivity

2008-10-25T19:06:00.005+03:00

Oh what glee! The male infidel and his hairy offspring have returned from their holiday bringing with them suitcases full of new and interesting items for me to chew. I have my eye on a set of wooden elephants, the chewing opportunity is just too good to pass up. Thus far I have not been able to get near them without the female infidel flailing her arms about and shrieking at me like a demented banshee that I will be taken to the desert! Does she not realise this is what I have been waiting for all these long dark months. It seems all that it would take is to chew those elephants. I am, however concerned that my trip to the desert is also mentioned in the same sentence as shovels and deep cavernous holes.

Yawn! The Infidels are very pleased with themselves, they spent the weekend installing wooden bars at the windows and ever since I have not been permitted to even get so much as my nose near the windows without the onset of bouts of rage and mass hysteria! I am very peeved! They don't seem to comprehend that they require my skills as a sentry to keep away any peasant cats and other subordinate creatures that pass by the windows without permission. There is also the issue of those grubby men that turn up three times a week and steal our garbage!

To top it all off a new lounge suite was delivered this morning and it appears that all gymnastic activities and walls of death have been suspended indefinitely. My infidel hell just became the most tedious place on earth. My only source of entertainment has been that the moronic kelb has not been able to decide whether he is allowed to lie on the new furniture or not and the infidels don't seem to be letting on either. I am currently scoffing at him from the sofa as he lays drooling on the floor. Most amusing!

Day 427 of Captivity

2008-10-11T10:08:00.003+03:00

The female infidel seemed to become slightly enraged this morning when I ran away with the shower curtain, complete with pole, during her shower. I managed to hit her on the head with the pole as I made my escape, perhaps it will knock some sense into her! She was covered in soap and shampoo and screeching at me, she looked like an abomination, the sight was quite abhorrent and I soon began to regret this maneuver. She really ought to have grasped the fact that I become very bored when left alone for even a few moments! This week I have managed to gnaw on her mobile phone, shred a box of tissues and steal the shower curtain all during shower time, does anyone else see a theme here? Yes the female infidel truly is a dullard!

Oh well a little amusement to start off another dull day in the tedious world of the proles. I still remain a captive of the infidels after all these long months and I despair of there ever being a rescue party. One has to amuse oneself somehow during these dark days!

Day 422 of Captivity

2008-10-06T09:47:00.002+03:00

I have had such fun for the last few days, all at the female infidels expense of course. She and her friend have started making Christmas decorations! Every infidel knows full well that Christmas is Haram! She spent ages sticking little trees onto a skirt that is to go round her tree, and I managed to get hold of it the other day and bite a few off. She was not at all amused, as it had taken the best part of an afternoon to put them there. She bellowed at me when she caught me, she really must learn not to leave things lying about even if it for just a few seconds, I am a fast worker.

Last night was not so much fun, I seem to be experiencing another hormone surge and the kelb was like a dog possessed. He seemed to be of the opinion that I was his prison bitch yesterday, the mere thought sends a shiver down my spine and makes me feel sick to the stomach. Not even if he were the last kelb alive would I sully myself so! Luckily the female infidel removed him and made him lie down away from me, it didn't stop his attempts on my person, it was as if he were bewitched. I can understand his attraction to me, I am rather alluring, but he is a minion. GAK!

The dust seems to have settled this morning and he has only had a quick sniff as the female told him at once to leave me. I just know that if it continues I will have to be taken to see the vet and be impaled again with a needle to stop the hormones. What a wretched existence. A fatwa on the lustful kelb! Loathsome creature.

Day 418 of Captivity

2008-10-02T12:43:00.002+03:00

The visiting infidel is here again today. She has vexed me considerably this morning. I was enjoying a morning slumber, when I was rudely awoken by the visiting infidel hoovering the couch on which I was taking my nap! Such insolence! This injustice prompted me to consume yet another of her shoes, to let her know that I was scandalised by her impudence! Needless to say the female Infidel was outraged by my act of revenge and I, the injured party, was sent to solitary with a severe reprimand. Hardly just!

I let the female infidel know that I am brooding by letting out very long and dramatic sighs. She will pay for this injustice later, I will wait until she is tired and then antagonise her. I have many weapons in my arsenal that I can bombard her with.

Day 415 of Captivity

2008-09-29T14:21:00.002+03:00

The male Infidel has taken the hairy teen and the nerdy boy Infidels away on holiday for 18 days. The female infidel has remained at home with the sweaty kelb and myself, apparently many of her friends would be willing to take the kelb but they are all too lilly livered to cope with me! How feeble they must be!

I have been keeping the female on her toes and dug a nice big crater in the back yard which she consequently filled back in. I have pretended to be restless at the departure of the male infidels and used it as an excuse to chew on a few things. Quite frankly I wish they had all gone away, I could then live the life I was born for and enjoy a bit of freedom, instead of having to endure the tedium of these wretched proles. I shall enjoy bringing the female infidel to her knees over the next week or so, normally she has reinforcements, let's see how she copes with me on her own.

Day 404 of Captivity

2008-09-18T20:31:00.002+03:00

Ramadan Kareem! I have been quiet of late as it is the festival of Ramadan. I have spent much of my time sleeping during the day, waking late afternoon to attain a sugar rush from dates, I haven't managed to get my hands on any coffee, the infidels keep it hidden and make comments along the lines of me being wired enough!

I have managed to consume yet another of the visiting infidels pairs of shoes, which made the female infidel extremely angry. She can be a drama queen that one! I got hold of their music machine remote today and attempted to annihilate it, there is only so much Abba a girl can stand!

The Infidels went out this evening and I was left behind with the teenage hairy hormonal Infidel and the weedy stringy little Infidel, that tastes unclean. I amused myself springing into the weedy ones room and relieving him of his possessions and myself on his carpet. This was a great source of entertainment until the hairy one flew into a hormonal outburst and I was thrust once more into solitude. He really needs to chill out a bit and get a sense of humour! Still I doubt if I would have a sense of humour if I resembled a tactically shaved chimp!

Day 393 of Captivity

2008-09-07T11:45:00.007+03:00

The buffoon female infidel took some photos of me wearing a silly pink coat that I believe is to be my winter attire this year, or at least she thinks so anyway!

I refused to pander to her silliness and would not look into the camera.

Of course being a fabulous princess it was a little difficult to resist. (look at my tortured face).

I am acutely aware that I look a complete imbecile in this hideous Infidel contraption! I am not amused!

I am just trying to work out if there is any way that I can consume this coat to spare myself the humility of having to wear it in public.

You have witnessed the torture they put me through, if anyone out there wishes to emancipate me, please do! Infidels need not apply!

Day 390 of Captivity

2008-09-04T09:12:00.002+03:00

Yesterday not only did the big clumsy oaf Infidel kelb almost have my eye out with his fat feet during a spot of wrestling I initiated but the female Infidel, not satisfied with this attack, also tried to execute me yesterday! She administered some medication to allegedly worm me, princesses do not have worms! I spent the day out in the disgusting toiletting area or weeping under the dining table.

I managed to muster the strength to chew up a permanent marker in the teenage infidels room, getting green ink all over his rug and unfortunately all over my legs. A pitiful effort I know but I was frail and debilitated by the female infidels toxins.

I am feeling much brighter this morning. I ensured that the female infidel was unable to return to bed after our exercise this morning, by running around the house at top speed and fetching the tea towel and dish cloth in and out of the kitchen. Once I ensured she was completely awake, I decided to retire to my bed and sleep. I will probably sleep for much of the day now. The female infidel does not look too amused as I believe she was very tired this morning. What a shame! Perhaps she will have second thoughts before attempting to dispatch me in future!

Day 388 of Captivity

2008-09-02T06:20:00.002+03:00

Revenge is a dish best served cold. I woke the Infidels at 2.30 this morning to demand my breakfast as I must be fed before sun up. Being the buffoons they are, they simply threw me out into the garden and sent me in the direction of the toiletting area! When I was put back in my cell I thought a bit of singing was in order, but thought it prudent to fall silent when the male Infidel threatened to bury me in the desert.

We have had our daily exercise and a couple of hours later the Infidels fed me! I refused to indulge them, it is Ramadan! Now I shall have to wait until sun down to be sated, cretins! Needless to say the fat infidel kelb quaffed his meal this morning.

I am currently languishing on the infidels bed, but no doubt they will find some asinine excuse to put me in my cell. The usual crimes are running around the room at top speed, wrestling with the kelb when he is sleeping, jumping on their heads when they are trying to sleep and other such trivial excuses. Why don't they just have me stuffed and be done with it?

Day 387 of Captivity

2008-09-01T15:54:00.005+03:00

......look what those wretched degenerate Infidels have done to me now!

I then had to endure thirty minutes of being brushed and I smell of oatmeal and tea tree, GAK! Oh someone is going to pay for this most disgraceful violation against my person.

The only bonus was that their fat, smelly kelb had to have a bath as well and now he is a little more tolerable to be around, it took some shampoo to get rid of his smell I can tell you! Being the big creep he is, he jumped in and out of the bath for the female infidel, it would take half an hours of tears and a carton of chunky monkey to recover from lifting his fat carcass into the bath! I made sure to grab the doorframe on the way into the bathroom and spread all four paws on the sides of the bath to ensure bathing me was a most difficult task. I also made sure to shake all the water off onto the female Infidel before she managed to get a towel.

How very dare she! I am now lay under the dining table plotting my revenge. I keep throwing her the odd withering stare. May her abaya be infested with the stench of a thousand haddocks!

Day 384 of Captivity

2008-08-29T18:21:00.002+03:00

This week the infidels announced that they were holding a dinner party, I awaited my invitation with glee knowing that they could not fail to invite such an important and prestigious guest as myself, a pure bred Arabian princess, only to discover it was for buffoons only with the exception of my fellow Arab neighbours.

Last night the Infidels hosted the dinner party. The neighbours from across the street were on the guest list but the Infidels have got wise to my plans of speaking to them, so they kept me away from them by placing me in solitary for the evening and my chances of engaging in witty repartee and human rights abuses within the prison were dashed. This solitary confinement may also have something to do with the fact that over the duration of the day they were very busy and somewhat fraught and in order to return their focus on ME, where it clearly belongs, I ate a dish cloth, shredded a sponge, stole and chewed 3 napkin rings and the napkins therein. I also chased the visiting Infidel around the house a couple of times. The fat kelb drove me insane pacing incessantly around the house looking gormless.

The infidels and their guests sat down and quaffed a huge feast of tagines and rice, sweets and soup and I was given a manky bone to chew on in the afternoon and 2 dates from one of the guests, a fellow Arab, who took pity on my emaciated form and could clearly see I was starving and ill treated having to contend with living with these irksome Infidels. My shrill cries for help were ignored all evening as was my rendition of various Bedouin folk songs in my efforts to entertain and be part of this event.

I have taken my revenge today by defecating on the doorstep just outside the back door, much to the irritation of the male infidel. The kelb has shunned me all day despite my attempts to engage him in a spot of Arabic wrestling. I remain a prisoner of buffoons.

Day 380 of Captivity

2008-08-25T19:24:00.002+03:00

I have discovered that the neighbours across the street from the prison speak Arabic! A couple of days ago I went into the bedroom upstairs so that I would have a better view of their abode. Every time one of them moved about in their house I screamed at the top of my voice "help me, HELP ME!". I felt sure that they would hear me and see my predicament. However, the fat sweaty kelb came in when I was screaming and shouted over the top of my voice with his bellowings, singing like a canary and alerting the buffoon Infidels to my escape attempt. So once again all the neighbours could hear were the rantings of the local lunatic kelb! He needs to be on medication. The curtains were closed and I could make no further pleas for help from my potential saviours.

Needless to say I am still a captive of the filthy infidels. I have not given up on the neighbours, I just need to find a way to silence the kelb! He is such a big fat snitch!